I Ordered Russia Online I Didn't Get Him
by JoyHeart
Summary: I didn't bother asking what a 'unit' was. It was Ivan freaking Braginski related and damn it I wanted one! Unfortunately stupid company is stupid and did not send me what I asked for. Based on "est. 1995"'s  Formerly Lollidictator  manuals, here's my story. I feel unoriginal.
1. No, See, I Specifically Ordered RUSSIA

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 1: No, See, I Specifically Ordered _Russia_**

_((Joyful Note: This is a fan fiction based off of the manuals of 'Lollidictator' for Hetalia character "Units". I know I'm not the first to write a fanfic based off these, far from it in fact, but what I've noticed is that everyone can come across one of these units, even in a similar way, and take a slightly different approach to it. So I'm going to try my own. Why? Because I can. *puts on sunglasses* Deal with it.))_

I had never thought to question what exactly a 'Unit' was. All I knew was that it was Hetalia merchandise and goddamn it, if it came from that godsend of an anime I was going to own it. I was merely surfing Amazondotcom and low and behold I discovered this lovely alcove of advertisements for Hetalia 'Units'. There was a nice selection available to choose from, with a promise of future releases. They listed Canada, Switzerland, South Korea, China, Prussia (both male and female versions of that no less!), North Italy, England and... Russia. Oh god Russia.

Now obviously you'll have to understand something about me before you'll understand why Russia is my number one fictional character crush in Hetalia. You see, I'm a bit... ah... most of those fan fictions I mentioned reading? I tend to look up Russia centered fics for a reason, usually ones involving him... raping... and such and like. Toward other men true, but the idea of Ivan Braginski bursting into my home and tying me up, stripping me down, and taking me in the most violent of...

Ahem.

Well anyway, the point is, I'm a freak, those 'kolkolkol's turn me on like nobody's business, and if I was asked to become one with Mother Russia you couldn't get me to the bedroom fast enough. But enough about my perversions, for the moment let me continue with how I got into this situation. Yes the one where my cat has a bird in her mouth and the personification of Prussia is trying to strangle me while I tug it out, what else could I possibly mean? Geez.

So there I am, sitting at the computer and frantically going through the ordering information so that I could purchase Ivan. I assumed it was some sort of robot doll or whatever, a sex toy right? They could do some awesome shit with technology these days. And when one is twenty eight, single, and living in a huge house with four pets and enough royalties to feed her sexual perversions for fictional characters and yaoi for years, I was definitely in need of something willing to satisfy my womanly needs and in the shape of something I found sexy. And Ivan totally fit the bill here. Oh, why do I have enough royalties for that? I'm an author! I know, you're questioning how I'm an author when my writing is the quality you see before you. Well hello, have you read Twilight? The trick is in knowing what appeals to preteen girls and I am proud to say I've figured that out, but more on that later I think. And when I say I have enough royalties I mean... well enough to support myself, my dogs and cats, and feed my collections of anime merchandise. I never went anywhere or did anything I just kind of... stayed inside... no I am not a recluse! I just don't like real people, is that so wrong?

Anyway. How this happened. Right. So for the next two weeks waiting for the damn thing to ship, I was completely on edge and ready to die from the thrill and excitement. I hadn't been this hyped since I ordered the complete series box set of Black Butler in the mail. (And damn is that Sebastian fine piece of demon ass let me tell you!)

Still, time passed slowly. I would type leisurely on my keyboard for a few hours a day trying to finish my latest young adult novel. I'd eat snack foods, careless of my waistline that I'll admit was sporting a bit of a proud gut at the moment. I'd take my dogs Bandit and Dudley out in the backyard (it was fairly large, and covered in snow. Damn snow, it was so cold and wet) and cuddle them in front of the TV afterwards. I'd stroke my cats, Kelly and Coco. (Coco was sporting a pretty proud gut herself! We were buddies in the pudgy front I guess) And, naturally, every chance I got I was sitting in front of the window, staring past the tree branches to my rarely used driveway. I lived in the middle of nowhere really, out in the hills of Ontario. I had to get an electric fence put up to keep bears and prowlers out, but it was worth it for the quiet and privacy. No, I'm not a recluse, I just value my privacy. And my life. Hey I might fantasize over rough sex, but I don't want to die alright! Cities are scary, suburbs aren't much better so... well whatever.

At any rate, when at last I heard the doorbell ring (I'd been putting dishes into the dishwater at the time and missed seeing the delivery van pull up I guess) I grinned and rushed over from the kitchen adjacent to the front hall to yank open my front door. Immediately I was hit by a wall of blowing snow that left me drenched and shivering, but I didn't care too much. Standing before me was a delivery man. Just down my front steps behind him was a rather large crate. My attention was held by this (after I'd frantically taken off my wet thick rimmed glasses and wiped the snow off), and I didn't take much note of the delivery man's appearance at all. I did however take the clipboard he handed me and wrote my signature declaring that I had received my shipment and took the small stapled stack of papers he handed me as he went back to get the crate into my house. He seemed to be having difficulty on the icy steps but I really didn't bother helping him. This was his job right? Not everyone could be as great as me with my cushy way of living but he must've chosen it right? So he can deal with the consequences. I took a look at the manual cover while he was grunting under the strain of lifting the thing.

The cover read: **GILBERT BEILLSCHMIDT: User Guide and Manual**

"Uh, hang on a minute bub. I didn't order a Prussia Unit, I ordered Russia. No P. What the hell is this?" I pointed to the name and glared at the delivery man, taking in his appearance for the first time. He wore a dark blue uniform and hat, noticeably drenched from the melting snow inside my toasty warm house. I always cranked the thermostat so I could wear my t-shirts; I hated the feeling of sweaters, so suffocating! Apart from the uniform, the guy looked... decent I guessed. As decent as real guys got anyway. He was a bit short, around my height and I was only 5.5ft, but he had nice eyes, some sort of clear icy blue. Nose was a bit crooked though. His hair was greasy too. So gross. He looked slightly harassed as well when he answered.

"W-what? Wrong order? Urg..." he leaned against the box he'd finally managed to get inside and rubbed his temple furiously, "Okay, that's really not my department. I'm just delivery. I think you'd better call the company if you want a replacement, and the delivery person will take this one away when they send it. But you can't have opened it already when you do, I'm serious." His eyes were suddenly very serious. I frowned, but shrugged.

"Sure whatever. I'm not interested in this Prussia thing anyway. He's an arrogant bitch, why would I want him? Now if you're not going to be any more help I suggest you get the fuck out my house before I sic my dogs on you." Never mind that my dogs were a little black yorkie-poo and an only somewhat bigger beige and white shih-Tzu, and never mind that I had left them in the backyard to their own devices while I had made lunch and sort of maybe forgot to let them back in.

The delivery man gave me an irritated look and rolled his eyes before stomping back into the snowdrift muttering something about me being a bitch. Oh well, he was just some ugly delivery man with kind of nice eyes, so what did I care?

Once I'd shut the front door to the cold, I walked by the box without another glance toward my back door. My pups were shaking on the other side of the glass panel, and I slid it open. They tumbled inside and barked at my feet, wagging their tails.

"Aw, aren't you guys just too cute! Yes you can have a treat!" I giggled and went back to the kitchen, noticing I was still holding the Prussia manual. I tossed it onto the counter and pulled out a couple of dog treats from a glass jar and handed them to my sweet puppies. They took them happily and scampered off to chow down in peace. I giggled again. So precious.

Speaking of precious, I noticed that Kelly, my adorable grey tabby cat, had sprung onto the counter and was batting curiously at the manual. I gave her head a friendly stroke and revealed in her purring. I picked up the manual and went to sit at my kitchen table (pushing my chubby kitty Coco out of the seat, she looked indignant). I was disappointed from my lack of Ivan, and if anything had the phone number for the company responsible for handling my purchase of sex toys in the shape of anime characters, it had to be in this manual right?

So I began to read. As I did, I noticed Kelly jump up onto the table near me and begin washing her tail. So I began talking to her. What? I live alone! I can talk to my cat if I want to!

"Hmm, so I could have the female version in there? Weird," I shook my head, "Definitely not interested in _that_." I sniggered.

"Oh yeah, Gilbird! Totally forgot that thing. So it comes with accessories, nice, wonder what Ivan will have though...?"

"It can have jobs? I guess that's like... a role play feature? Journalist, drinker, m-model? Heh, and a band mate. Well that's pretty cool. Though it's making me wonder if maybe this is meant solely as a sex toy. Maybe it's one of those companion bots? Well I guess I wouldn't mind if it was Ivan as a companion bot... he's so sexy, ain't he Kelly?" I scratched my cat behind her ears.

She meowed brightly, rubbing into my palm. I smiled and continued reading.

"Removal from packaging... guess I can skip that," I did skim it though, and my eyebrows rose. I went back and read it again. "Huh, this is a bit weird, 'Agony to me and those nearby'? That sort of makes it sound... dangerous. Um... pouring beer on the lid? What the hell is up with that? Austrian apple strudel? This thing can smell? Well I guess they can do that with robots these days but..." I frowned and self-consciousness sniffed my underarms. I was usually pretty good and showering every day but sometimes I would get into a new anime and accidently spend 14+ hour intervals watching it without anyone to stop me and I'd forget... I seemed fine now but made a mental note to be sure to shower before opening my Ivan unit when it arrived.

"Heh, speak Russian to him? Oh hey, I never thought of that! Maybe Prussia unit has special interactions with the Russia unit? Maybe... maybe sexy interactions?" My eyes sped ahead to a section titled 'Relationships with Other Units'.

"BDSM yaoi... nice," I grinned, "Maybe I'll rethink sending him back straight away. Oh, but these units are expensive... might cut into my manga budget..." I frowned. I supposed I'd have to just make the exchange and that would be that. My eyes backtracked to the packaging removal instructions.

"Speak in Russian... 'Kilili'... 'Kalininin'...'Kaliningrad'?" I pronounced curiously, my voice naturally mimicking a Russian accent. I liked using accents now and again, it was fun damn it! Though suddenly... suddenly I heard barking from the living room. And... and sounds of breaking wood. My blood began pounding in my veins and I turned my head so fast to watch the front hall that my neck cricked painfully. The box was shaking... splintering. Suddenly the top flew off with such force that it slammed into my ceiling and sent plaster raining down. My dogs sped from the hall to the kitchen and cowered under the table. I sat dumb stuck as 65kg of male Prussian rage burst out of the box, somersaulted in the air and landed on the ground with force. His white hair was mussed rather attractively, but his red eyes were glaring in a way that made me rather wish I could be like my cats that seemed to have vanished the instant unfamiliar noises were heard. My reflexes were not as sharp as the Prussian immediately began tearing up the front hall, wrenching open the closet and throwing my coats to the floor, knocking various odds and ends on the ground (some of them smashing). I frantically looked back at the manual. Oh shit, I had to reprogram him? How the fuck was I do that before he came and killed me for possibly hiding the Russian from his awesome wrath?

I ran down the list of the reprogramming methods, but none of them were specific on how to get him out of this mode and possibly back to whatever default was. Erm, I guess perhaps the third? Depressed wasn't good per say, but it was better than destruction of my house.

"Um, hey, don't you think Roderich and Elizaveta are so cute together?" I called into the next room, my voice pitched higher than I would've liked. "Um, my boyfriend totally agrees!" I didn't have a boyfriend obviously but what the hell.

Suddenly Prussia stopped his rampage and turned to look at me. His eyes widened and he immediately slumped against the wall, lip trembling and suddenly was sobbing his eyes out.

Erm, well like I said, better than destroying my stuff right? I decided to keep reading the manual but the sobs got too loud to think around and I sighed. I pondered the last line I'd worked through. Activating Gilbird might cheer him up, right? I got up from my table and walked over to the box Prussia had burst from, pushing aside the top that had detached from the ceiling and fallen straight back where it came from. Inside I noticed a couple sets of clothes, a cross, some books, and finally a tiny bird that looked asleep. Reaching in hesitantly, my fingers brushed its feathers. Its eyes snapped open and it flew, twittering madly, out of the box and through the air. Seeming to hear his little friend, Prussia's eyes rose and locked onto it. A slow smile spread across his face and he was on his feet again.

"Hey Gilbird, long time no see!" he laughed as the bird landed on his head and then the albino turned, seeming to noticed me for the first time. His eyes travelled from my face down to my rack. I have to say I have a nice one, 42D. (Though some of that could be due to the fat layer I have but... um... I like ice cream! I'm not going to stop eating it for no good flipping reason, who do I have to impress? Well... if Ivan was as realistic as Prussia maybe I should consider... um...)

"Um, hi," I said nervously. I had to admit, I was feeling self-conscious here. Aside from my general geeky reclusive look (just because I'm definitely not one doesn't mean I'm not aware that I... well that I look like one) I realized that my Jack Skelington t-shirt was sporting a tomato sauce stain courtesy of Chef Boyardee and my hair was damp, frizzy and unkempt after the attack of the killer blizzard wind from the front door. Meanwhile Prussia, while never my favourite Hetalia character, looked rather hot. Rather... very hot. Hotter than any regular guy, that was for damn sure. And he looked so very... _real_, except for the unreal hotness thing of course. He didn't resemble a robot in the slightest, even his eyes had a natural sheen to them it seemed. The mouth movements didn't seem mechanical. Other than the quick changes in mood due to vocal commands, he responded to things pretty naturally too. For these reasons I for the first time wondered if maybe, just maybe, these fictional guys I was obsessing over wouldn't actually like me back if I ever met them in person. Which it seemed I was doing right now. Oh god.

Prussia stared at my rack for a moment longer before a slow smile spread across his face. "Nice breasts, wanna see my five meters?"

My mouth dropped open slightly and I sputtered, not expecting such a statement. He was across the room in seconds, and was suddenly groping my left boob, a seriously rapist look in his eyes.

Half of my brain, the outrageously horny part, was singing '_YES YES OH GOD I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR MY WHOLE LIFE I WILL GET TO HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH A CHARACTER I HAVE CONSIDERED FICTIONAL YES_'.

And the other half, the half that remembered that it didn't like Prussia no matter how unrealistically sexy he appeared, was screaming '_NO NO OH GOD I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS WITH SUCH A WHINY ARROGENT GIT DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN NO_'.

It was probably a good thing that my dogs agreed with my second sentiment because by the way my body was heating up it seemed more inclined towards the first. Bandit seemed to have re-entered the scene with Dudley at his heels and both began barking and snapping at Prussia's ankles. After a solid bite hit its mark, Prussia backed off pretty damn fast.

"OW! What the fuck? Stupid dogs! Sic them, Gilbird!" Prussia ordered and the bird flew from his head toward Dudley, who was currently digging his teeth into the albino's foot.

Gilbird launched itself at my dog, pecking it relentlessly. Dudley let go and tried snapping at the bird. When I heard a loud yelp and saw a bit of scarlet blood all feelings of potential arousal fled and I knew it was time to intervene.

"HEY! Call that damn bird off my dog, you dick!" I yelled, kicking Prussia's shin and reaching down to grab my dog off the ground, using my hand to brush bird.

"Well call your dogs off of me then! What the fuck is wrong with them?" Prussia snapped back, reaching down to grab where I'd kicked him.

"I don't know, maybe they have a problem with rapists!"

"I didn't hear you saying no!"

"You also didn't hear me say yes! Now fuck off!" I called Bandit to follow me through the kitchen and down a short hallway to the bathroom where I inspected my little dog's wounds. He had a shallow cut on his back. When I touched it he whimpered. I noticed Prussia in the doorway watching me as I took out some gauze and wrapped it around my pup to stem the bleeding. There wasn't much else I could think to do, and he would likely be fine anyway. Like I said, it was shallow.

Satisfied that my dog would be okay, I placed him on the ground where he ran quickly from the room, followed by Bandit. I looked at Prussia menacingly.

"If you or your bird hurt my pets again, I will crucify you," I said darkly. He shivered, apparently I looked quite serious. "Now then, I'm going to go finish reading that manual you came with. Then I will be calling customer services to get you exchanged for the unit I actually ordered. In the meantime you will find something to occupy yourself with _quietly_ until I'm done. Think you can do that?"

Prussia snorted and rolled his eyes, but he did turn to leave without another word so I assumed my request would be followed. Heading back to the kitchen I picked up the user manual again and began flipping through it, mostly skimming for the phone number by this point, though certain things stuck out to me- particularly the warning about bathing with him. Who in their right mind bathed with a robot? I mean, I guess there were fan fictions and pornography where I'd seen it happen but did people really try that sort of thing? The bathroom isn't really a very sexy place in my opinion...

It was then that Prussia marched in from the front hall (when had he gone past the first time?) holding one of the books I'd noticed from the crate and a pen. He was also wearing his iron cross I noticed. He sat at my table across from me, cracked open the cover, and began to write. Oh yeah, the manual mentioned that the books were blank journals. I tried reading it upside down but realised that the writing was in some other language- presumably Prussian or German. (Was Prussian a language?)

I felt a little awkward sitting at my table with someone else. I hadn't had someone else at the table with me in my own home since my editor came by two years ago to consult me about taking up another pen name when my newest book was such a different genre from my first few. I hadn`t minded, but yeah, it had been a while since I shared space with someone- even if that someone was a... a 'unit'. That was a robot right?

"Ah, there's the little bastard," I muttered. At the bottom of the last page was a customer service number. I got up and grabbed my land line, dialling the number into the phone. Prussia hadn't looked up from his journaling.

One ring, two rings, three...

"_Hello, you have reached the Customer Service Hotline for Hetalia Units,_" an automated voice picked up the line, "_If your Unit is trying to kill you, your friends or loved ones, your enemies, other Units, or the general public, press one. If your Unit is destroying your property or the property of others, press two. If your Unit is trapped in one program and cannot be coaxed out of it, press three. If your Unit is performing actions not specified in the User's Manual, press four. If you have received a Unit that you did not order and you wish to make a return or exchange, press five. If you-_"

I pressed five, giving Prussia a slight glance. There was still no response from him, only more furious scribbling.

"_We understand that you have a Unit that you did not order. If you ordered a different Unit and received the wrong one, press one. If you did not order a Unit at all and received one anyway, press two._"

I pressed one, obviously.

"_We apologize sincerely for the error that has occurred in your shipping. If the Unit you received is still in its box and has not been in any way tampered with, press one. If the Unit has already been released from the box but has thus far not interacted with you, press two. If the Unit has been activated and has already interacted with you, press three._"

"God fucking damn it," I muttered, pressing three. This couldn't be good. My swearing seemed to draw Prussia's eyes off his book briefly though and his red eyes locked with mine. He smirked. I glared.

"_We, again, sincerely apologize for the inconvenience our mistake has caused you. None the less, we are unable to take back Units that have interacted with their owners without several steps taken, most of which are illegal. We do understand that our manual offers replacements for accidental shipment of Chibi Units and alternate versions of Units. This is mostly because Chibi Units are much easier to wrestle back into the packaging. We ask first that you do not sue us for the damages caused by your new Unit and if you still desire the Unit you originally purchased, stay on the line and a customer service recipient will be with you shortly._"

"Oh, so I get to talk to a real person now? Spectacular," I said and Prussia looked up again.

"So, do you always talk to yourself?" he asked conversationally. He seemed a bit amused. "That's kind of un-awesome of you when you have the awesome me to talk with!"

"Shut the fuck up," I flipped him off and turned away. Awesome him... what the fuck.

"I mean, if it were me, talking to myself would be totally understandable because I'm just that awesome. But other than your rack you don't really have much going for you."

"Look, if you don't shut up I'm going to roast that flying fucktard alive!"

Prussia's eyes suddenly narrowed. "Leave Gilbird out of this."

"Then leave my appearance out of this," I replied darkly as I heard the line pick up on the other end. The voice was male and sounded harassed, a little familiar too actually, but I disregarded this.

"_Hello, this is the returns and exchanges help desk. I understand that you have a Unit that you did not order and it has already been activated and interacted with?_"

"Erm, yeah," I said, shuffling my feet, very conscious of Prussia's eyes on me. Why couldn't he just go back to writing?

"_Is this a Chibi Unit that you received, or an altogether different model that looks nothing like what you originally sent out for?_"

I rolled my eyes. "I should say it's different! I ordered Russia, not _Prussia_, which is what I've got glaring at me from my kitchen table right now because I threatened to murder his precious Gilbird if he didn't shut his cake hole."

"_Prussia? Alright, and I assume you want us to remove him in exchange for your ordered Russia Unit?_"

"Obviously, why else would I call?" I scoffed.

"_Well, after Prussia's out of the crate you're going to have some problems getting him back in. If he's glaring you have a normal Prussia Unit and not a Kaliningrad, which means your only hope, is to get him drunk enough for him to pass out and then lock him inside and hope the delivery van comes before he sobers up. Otherwise I suppose you could try getting him into Frightened Mode, but lacking a Russia Unit I doubt you have the strength to manage that._"

"So what, you're telling me I'm stuck with this guy? You've got to be kidding me," I growled into the phone and heard 'keseseseseses' ringing from the idiot Prussian as he returned to writing whatever it was he was writing. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

"_Yeah, sorry about that. But hey, we don't want you to be unsatisfied so tell you what, I'll have the company send you your Russia Unit that you paid for and let you keep Prussia as a free gift!_"

My eyes widened. That was a good deal. BDSM yaoi seemed once again in reach... heh heh. I sent an evil grin at the Prussian who happened to glance up again as I did so. His smirk fell and he gave me a look that seemed to pronounce many horrified misgivings as to staying in this house with me.

"Sure, why not? Ship over that Russia Unit! I'm sure he and Prussia will get along juuuuust fine," my evil cackling seemed to affect the Prussian at the table and he squeaked, then glared, getting up with a screech of chair legs on tile. I started to run (thank god for cordless phones) hastily babbling my shipping info and Amazondotcom account number into the phone and hit 'end call' just in time to get grabbed by the back of my shirt and thrown into the wall. I let out a shriek as I was flipped around and pinned there, the albino's red eyes glaring down at me.

"What the fuck did you do?" Prussia menaced, looking ready to move in for the kill. I was scared shitless, but I was not going to let this no account... 'Unit' thing... get the better of me. For the moment I would answer... but I would send him to his knees, mark my words!

"I got a two for one deal. They're going to send me an Ivan Braginski Unit and I get to keep you for free. Aren't I just a lucky duck?" I grumbled, twisting in his grip. I found it wasn't as strong as I would've thought but then, Prussia wasn't the strongest of the Hetalia clan, especially after he lost his status as an independent nation. In any case, Prussia had to use some visible force to keep me against the wall.

"Do you have _any_ idea what that guy will _do_ to me?" Prussia hissed, his face an inch from my own.

A sick, perverted grin spread across my face. I couldn't help it. I liked the mental image. "Oh, I have a few ideas. I am, after all, a fan of the fanfic."

At this Prussia reared back, suddenly looking horrified. "Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with you to be into that kind of shit? I mean I know Elizaveta is but I didn't think _actual _human girls acted like that! Goddamn, you know he's going to torture me, right?"

I sniffed, rolling my shoulders that had previously been gripped a bit too hard. "Well, since you got here you have broken my things, made a mess, hurt my dog and groped with the intension of possible rape. Excuse me for not feeling too much sympathy for you right now."

"Great, I had to get bought by an unreasonable psycho bitch with BO and stained clothes. Probably some kind of recluse. Just fucking great. I'm way too fucking awesome to deal with this." Prussia stomped down the hallway toward the kitchen, ignoring my protest of not being a recluse. Curious, I followed him. He walked straight to the front door. I continued to watch, assuming he didn't know about the weather or he would've grabbed a warmer coat before wrenching open the door. He was hit by the same icy blast that had hit me when his crate got here. Shivering violently, he shut the door and leaned against it, clutching himself and sinking to the floor, giving me a wide eyed look.

"Do you live in Russia or something? Is that why you want that psycho so bad?"

"Hmm... no, I live in Canada, you just happened to arrive in December and we're having a blizzard right now. Come to think of it... it's kind of a wonder that the delivery man got here at all." I looked out into the blizzard but my driveway was now clogged with snow, impossible to tell that there'd been a delivery van there at all actually.

Hey... did I even see the delivery van? I saw the guy and the crate but did I see...? Well, it had to have been there anyway. No time to think about silly things like that. What mattered now was probably figuring out where Prussia was going to stay. Well, that shouldn't be all that hard. I mean, I did have a kind of large house. Granted I only used a small part myself- just the ground floor bathroom, kitchen, living room with my sofa and surround sound plasma screen entertainment system, and my bedroom that also had my lovely computer inside it. All this was on the ground floor (the bedroom was really supposed to be a study but I decided to just cram a bed in there too because it was a pain climbing stairs every day when I didn't really have to). I had a second floor and a basement that were pretty much only used to store all my various books, games, DVDs and other merchandise I had impulsively purchased online over the past three years. So perhaps it stood to reason that I should "store", so to speak, my Prussia Unit in one of those rooms.

"Okay, so, upstairs or downstairs?" I asked suddenly and Prussia looked up from the floor, seeming confused.

"What?"

"Where do you want to stay, upstairs or downstairs?" I asked, irritated.

"Which is warmer?"

I thought about that for a moment. I never went to either of those places very much but... "I guess the basement probably since that's where the furnace is. Upstairs has a lot of windows and I don't really know if their weatherproofed... I mean they _probably_ are, but I don't really know. I don't go up there much unless I have to look for something or whatever. I don't have any other beds though... I probably have some sleeping bags. Oh right, I got that Tsubasa air mattress last year! Where did I put that?" I had begun to mumble to myself as I went to a door in the kitchen next to a cupboard and opened it, revealing a set of stairs descending into the basement. I fumbled for the light switch and a bare bulb illuminated the concrete steps. Absent mindedly, I motioned for Prussia to follow me and the echoing steps on the staircase made me assume he did as my gesture indicated.

The bottom of the stairs made me suddenly appreciate why I had decided to store most of my new stuff upstairs. Upstairs held more merchandise then anything, the basement was like a tomb for the things I had when I lived at home with my family. I had totally forgotten; how so, I'm not sure.

"Oh hey, I remember this old desk! And here's that crappy laptop that Coco knocked off the table, screen's cracked, see? What's in this box? Oh, just a bunch of old pencil crayons and stuff. Hmm... Oh hey, books! Damn, I forgot I had so many! I mostly read stuff online these days, except for manga. Well hell, everybody is now, aren't they? And... oh what do you know! I _do_ have a bed down here. Kinda disassembled but..."

I leapt over piles of random stuff stacked on top of each other toward the back where my old oak furniture set from when I lived with my parents was sitting around with a thick layer of dust. There were two dressers, two end tables, and a queen sized bed with a mattress and box spring leaning against the wall. In a bag on the ground nearby were the green sheets and white bedspread, with some case-less pillows in a pile as well.

I turned around expecting to see Prussia, but instead saw Bandit wagging his tail. Oops, Prussia didn't follow me after all.

"HEY PRUSSIA, GET DOWN HERE, I FOUND A BED, BUT YOU HAVE TO HELP ME PUT IT TOGETHER!" I shouted up the stairs.

"WHY DON'T YOU PUT IT TOGETHER AND SLEEP DOWN THERE YOURSELF? I JUST FOUND YOUR ROOM AND..." There was a long pause before some slow footsteps were heard walking from my bedroom down the hall to the kitchen and down the basement steps. The albino looked paler than usual.

"Why are there pictures of naked men having sex on your ceiling with torture devices?"

"You see _this_ is why I don't invite people over. They just have to poke their noses into everything," I grumbled, my face flushing. Well... no one went into my bedroom but me normally, so why wouldn't I put stills from my favourite porn on the ceiling? And it wasn't like it was all torture devices, and some was perfectly innocent fluffy yaoi art! So don't blow it out of proportion, I'm not a... a _total_ sick freak. I'm just really, really perverted. Yeah.

"So this is my bed, huh?" He examined the headboard. It was elegantly carved. "Looks kind of girly."

"Well it _was_ mine; it just didn't fit in the study. At any rate, I guess we'll have to clear some space if we're going to set it up..." I looked around. The basement wasn't a wholly empty space, there were different rooms; they just didn't have doors. "Um, so just pick a room and start clearing. We can probably just dump the stuff in another room and set you up... we can find some other blankets to staple above the doorframe for now until I decide if it's worth getting another door installed."

Prussia looked less than impressed. "What do you mean 'worth'? And why the hell is it such a dump down here anyway? You're like some fucking packrat."

"Lay off! I just happen to like my things okay? And someday they might be worth something! Erm... maybe. So suck it!" I sent him a lewd gesture. "Just for that, you're setting up the bed yourself. And the only reason I'm helping you clean up the room is so you won't break anything important."

"I doubt you'd even notice if anything in here was broken... look, that laptop is already broken! Why don't you just throw it out?"

"Because shut up!" I growled and seized the broken laptop from Prussia's reach, tucking it lovingly on top of a dusty bookshelf.

Prussia grumbled something under his breath but managed to pick a room that didn't have too many boxes and looked large enough to fit my old bed in. We worked more or less in silence, except for his constant bitching of course, and managed to move all boxes and debris out, leaving a more or less clean space. I ran upstairs for a broom and even did the courtesy of sweeping the place while Prussia pulled the bed parts into the room.

"Damn, this is fucking heavy!" he groaned, wiping sweat off his forehead. I looked on in wonder. Robots that could sweat?

"Wow, the things they do with machines these days."

"What?" Prussia asked, raising an eyebrow. Then he smirked. "Oh, are you turned on by the manly awesome sweat of my awesomeness?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I'm just impressed with how realistic you are, actually. I mean, I didn't think robotics had made it to this stage yet."

Prussia gave me a bemused look that slowly turned to amused. "Robotics? The Awesome Me isn't a robot."

I paused in my sweeping and looked at him, biting the inside of my cheek. Did he not know he was a robot? Or did this mean... if he wasn't a robot then...

"Then what are you?" I asked after a moment.

"I'm a Unit, duh," Prussia rolled his red eyes now and stuck out his tongue childishly. "Well if you're not going to be any more help, I suggest you get your un-awesome self the fuck out of my room."

My mouth gaped open. Oh no he _didn't_.

"HEY! Just WHOSE house do you think this is bub?" I yelled, stomping toward him and grabbing his shirt collar. "And QUIT LOOKING SO FREAKING AMUSED!"

Prussia grinned. "Huh, you're actually kind of cute when you're pissed."

"GAH!" I let out a frustrated yell and stormed upstairs; calling for my dogs to be sure neither would be stuck downstairs before slamming the door. I immediately heard the sound of wood smacking concrete and swearing. I sort of hoped that the bed hadn't been damaged, but decided it probably didn't matter. I looked into the front hall and the mess that was residing there. With a sigh I took the broom and headed to sweep up the plaster, hoping that the ceiling would be okay. I then packed my coats and the unbroken items into my closet, sweeping up the broken ones as well. Then I turned back to that damn crate. I looked inside it. Gilbird was nesting in Prussia's Luftwaffe SS uniform, his knight outfit and remaining blank journals sitting nearby. I pulled these other things out and went to the kitchen, where the unreadable, slightly used journal was still open on the table. I picked that up as well. Then I wrenched open the basement door.

"INCOMING!" I screeched before throwing the items down the stairs.

"HEY! CAREFUL WITH THE GREAT PRUSSIA'S STUFF!"

Instead of answering I slammed the door again. Then I went back to the crate where the bird was still sleeping on the uniform. Unceremoniously I tugged it out from under the creature... unit... thing.

Immediately Gilbird was twittering around me, pecking at my head. I let out a yelp and swatted at it, running toward the basement door. I wrenched it open a second time, threw the uniform down the stairs as well, managed to somehow snatch Gilbird from the air, and tried throwing him down the stairs as well. Except that, well, he could fly, so he caught himself and made a dash back for me until I slammed the door. A dull thump from the other side told me the stupid bird had flown into it.

"GILBIRD NO!" came a yell from downstairs and I heard some running on the other side. I sighed, leaning against the opposite wall and watching the door. "GET HIM OUT OF YOUR MOUTH YOU DAMN CAT!"

Hissing followed as I lurched forward, opening the door to find Prussia on the steps trying to wrestle a dazed Gilbird out of the mouth of an angry Coco.

"HEY! Let my kitty go!" I screamed, falling to my knees and grabbing Coco out Prussia's hands. She clawed at my leg as I turned away from Prussia and pulled at Gilbird to dislodge him.

"LET GO OF HIM!" Prussia wailed with one arm tightly around my neck and pulling me back as his other hand made swipes at the cat and bird.

Oh yeah, that's how I got into this situation. It sucks doesn't it? But moving on.

Prussia is giving me trouble, but I seem to be managing to work my cat's jaw open. Soon the bird falls to the ground with a soft plop and Prussia's hand is immediately around it, gently lifting it and holding it in front of his face.

"Oh god, oh no, oh you can't be dead little Gilbird..." He's whimpering. Huh. I... I guess I kind of feel bad for the guy. After all, I wouldn't want any of my pets to get hurt. That's it, I've made my resolve.

I tell Prussia to come with me, gently taking the hand that isn't holding Gilbird. Prussia seems mute with grief and doesn't fight as I bring him up the couple of steps and into the bathroom. He gently washes Gilbird's wounds and he even mutely lets me bind the bird for him. It's bleeding. This disturbs me greatly, because if it's bleeding, that means whatever it means to be a 'Unit' it means that they're... well... alive.

Alive in my house. With like... thoughts and feelings and shit.

What. The. Hell.

And Russia's coming.

And now my heart's hammering in my chest. And I'm blushing. Damn it all to hell.

Suddenly Gilbird's chest starts to rise and fall again. He sputters into wakefulness, apparently only fainted. Prussia cries with happiness and cuddles the bird to his chest, looking for all the world like a five year old told he could keep the puppy he'd fallen in love with.

It's... kind of cute. Huh.

Prussia seems in a much better mood now. So good in fact that I would have said it was a programmed response to helping his Gilbird, if I still thought he was a robot, which I can't say I do anymore.

"Um, so Prussia, you want some dinner or something?" I ask him because I'm hungry and he's creeping me out with the genuinely nice smile. (and hot... he's looking hot again oh god).

"Hey, no need for formalities, we're housemates right? You can call me 'Your Awesomeness'," he grins. Perhaps if I lived in the world of Hetalia I would find the grin lewd and distasteful, but living in a world where no real guy amounted to the perfect looks of an anime guy designed for that sort of thing, the grin was only dazzling. Okay, and maybe a bit lewd. I still punch his arm hard enough to hopefully leave a bruise.

"I'll call you Gilbert. Because I can," I say stiffly. "And I'm making spaghetti so you can just kind of deal with that."

"Eh, spaghetti's okay," he shrugs, still grinning, "But if you want it to be awesome, you should let me make it, ne?"

"You... you want to cook?" I tilt my head to one side and a slow smile is growing, I can tell. "Well, be my guest!" I step aside and using both hands in a rolling gesture motion toward the kitchen. He gives me a smug look and marches past me. Just as he reaches the kitchen he turns his head.

"Hey, when should I call you?" he asks. I think. He's down the hall and it is a bit muffled.

I pause before answering. "Uh, when it's done I guess."

He pauses now; looking confused a second before snorting. "I said _what_, not _when;_ you haven't told me your name, stupid!"

"Hey! I'm not stupid, jackass!" I shout. That's freaking offensive! I was not stupid, I had an English degree damn it!

Okay, so does Stephanie Meyer so maybe that isn't saying much but...

You know what? Shut the fuck up.

"It doesn't matter what you call me, as long as you're a good boy and do your chores, got it? I've got work to do," I snap, heading for my study/bedroom. I really do have to work some more on my novel, I do have a deadline to meet and I'm not even halfway done yet.

"Heh, sure thing Mom!"

I freeze, hand halfway to my doorknob. Oh no, he did NOT.

"I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER!" I shout, scandalized. I was nobody's _mother_. For one thing, I was only twenty eight and Prussia was like... twenty. So either I was birthing at age eight or he's calling me old. Second... well... I don't think I'm the only one who can tell I'd be an unfit mother at this point, right?

"Whatever you say, Mom!" Gilbert grins with a mean glint in his eyes, seeming amused by my reaction. He then steals into the kitchen as I storm into my room, slamming the door and falling onto my bed on my back, eyes locking on the various yaoi couples gracing my ceiling. I train my sights on one of my favourites- Sweden pinning Finland to the ground and ravishing him. You can't see anything scandalous, but it was passionately drawn. I wish I could draw like that, really, but everything I draw is either too cutesy or lacks any feeling at all. I never had drawing lessons, so I guess maybe that was part of it. Also, I never really practice too much.

I wonder when they'll deliver Ivan. I wonder if he'll be as much of a pain as Prussia is. I wonder if he's going to hate me because my house is a mess... as is me.

I make a mental note to shower after dinner and start cleaning the house tomorrow. After all, if Ivan is really like... well... Ivan... I didn't want to be on his bad side straight off the bat. That would be a ferociously bad idea.


	2. No That's Not Quite It Either

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 2: No, That's Not Quite It Either**

I don't consider myself a bad person, rather, I consider myself a good person who has some addictions to perverse things, some of which might be considered illegal in many places. Perhaps I don't donate to charity, and maybe when I was young I would lie to my parents on occasion. Sometimes I would neglect my homework as a teenager. Sometimes now I would publish novels I knew would rot the minds of youth just to make enough money to buy some hard core yaoi manga (it's twice the price of regular manga you know!) Still though, I do not believe I did anything to deserve what is happening right now.

I am standing in line at Wal-Mart during the Christmas rush.

I still do not have the Hetalia Unit I paid for.

There is a toddler clinging to my leg screaming and probably wetting himself.

Prussia is in a bear costume roaring at him.

There are people staring.

I am trying not to cry.

Now I know what you're thinking: 'What the hell is this situation I don't even' followed closely by 'HOW?' Last you heard I was waiting for Prussia to make me spaghetti. Well that was two days ago by this point, but I suppose I'll go back and explain how things led from there to here. After all, it's quite the sordid tale and I _did_ give you a full recap up until the moment I was experiencing last time we talked so you may as well learn what I've been doing since then.

First of all, Prussia's spaghetti was nothing special. I mean, it wasn't _bad_ by any means, but I wouldn't call it awesome. Then again it was made with what I had lying around the kitchen cupboards, which was basically noodles, canned tomato sauce and processed cheese, so it wasn't like he had much to go on. (I don't know what to do with spices or anything so I don't tend have them around.) I'm sure if I had made something of the same quality he would've bitched at me that it tasted terrible, but because he was the one who cooked it he refused to admit it was anything less than amazing, oh sorry, 'awesome'. Stupid Prussian.

After dinner I wanted to go back to my room and write some more because I _might_ have gotten distracted by Minesweeper when Prussia was cooking and _might _have only typed around two sentences. I swear to god, that game is too addicting. I had that problem in high school and university as well; I would write a paragraph of an essay and then play Minesweeper for ten minutes. And then watch an episode of whatever anime I was currently obsessed with. And then check my email. And then play more Minesweeper. And then write another essay paragraph.

How did I graduate university again?

Oh right, after dinner. Right. So I fully intended to go back to my room and try to actually get some work done, but as I turned toward my room Prussia asked me what he was supposed to do while I was working. After hearing him profess how awesome a cook he is all through dinner (along with my general feelings of being drained after so much interaction with a person... unit... thing... after so long going for the minimal in that department) I was eager to escape from him for a while. This new whiny question was less than welcome.

"How the hell should I know? Go watch TV or something!" I threw my hands into the air, determined to not look at him. I marched to my room, slammed my door (Which is always fun), sat in my swivel chair (spinning in it just the once) and turned on my monitor. I never turned the whole computer off, since I seemed to be on it nearly all the time anyway. I moved my mouse to dispel my screensaver that scrolled through all the pictures I had on my computer and had just pulled up Microsoft Word again when my door banged open, causing me to startle forward in my seat.

"Ever heard of knocking?" I snapped, swivelling around in my chair to glare at Prussia, who was looking pissed.

"Your satellite's out!" he whined loudly.

I rolled my eyes and made a clicking noise with my tongue. "I guess it's the blizzard. Not my fault. I think there's some DVDs somewhere if you want to find them..."

"Yeah, I don't think I want to watch whatever DVDs _you've_ got lying around," Prussia sneered, leaning against the doorframe with folded arms.

I folded my arms as well. "And what's _that_ supposed to mean?"

Prussia's eyes darted briefly to the ceiling, and mine followed. Oh. Right. Yaoi.

"It's not all like that! I have normal stuff too!" I defended.

"Like what?"

"Like Rent... oh. Um... like... Sweeny Todd! And Mamma Mia! Though I'm not entirely sure where I buried those... haven't watched them in years... uh... but anime DVDs, I've got them!" I grinned suddenly, "Yeah, I have the complete Death Note series with Relight and the live action Japanese movies and also Ouran High School Host Club and Negima?, and Tsubasa and FMA and... well obviously Hetalia." I paused here to breathe, but I was quite happy. If there was anything I loved, it was listing all the anime products and series I had collected over the years. True, most of my bragging was done online, but I revelled in the feeling that people were jealous my accumulation of pure awesome that radiated from-

"Well that's lame," Prussia snorted.

What.

What what WHAT?

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?" I screamed, jumping from my chair in anger. I heard my dogs barking in the other room at the sudden noise but I didn't care. "Nobody, but _nobody_ calls anime lame in _my_ house bub!"

Prussia rolled his eyes. "I don't mean anime is lame, Kiku makes some awesome shit. But why the hell bother buying it when you can download it online for free?"

"Well... I just..." I trailed off for a minute to think. Prussia's smirk grew until I managed to come up with a good reason and my glare returned. "It's because I happen to respect the distributors and the people who make my anime and therefore am willing to pay the money desired by them to encourage their further service. Does that suffice as a reason?"

"Phht, I guess," Prussia rolled his eyes. We stared each other down a few more minutes before I relented with a heavy sigh. I was so fucking done with company right now. I wanted to be alone again with my puppies and kitties, not dealing with some whiny idiotic git who can't find his own ways to keep himself entertained.

"Well then, do you want to watch them or not? Because... well if not I guess there's some old game systems in the upstairs you could try hooking up. I'm almost positive there's a Wii and a PS3 upstairs," I frown a bit, now trying to remember what games I had. I definitely had a few Final Fantasies and Mario games, but I wasn't really too much of a gamer. In high school I would play some games like MarioKart if I had friends over, otherwise I'd only play games with complex plots like Final Fantasy or else simulator games like Harvest Moon and the Sims, but even those I haven't played in quite some time. Which probably explains why I don't remember where my game systems are. Or what games I had.

"Well then help me find one; I don't know your house!"

"No, I'm busy _working_, foreign concept for you I'm sure," I said swiftly and turned back to the screen. Within moments Prussia is looking over my shoulder and I hastily closed the window.

"What? Why can't I read it?" he demanded indignantly.

"Because it's none of your business what my work is!"

"I live here!"

"You just got here! Now get the fuck out of my room! I don't like you, and I've had enough of your pissy spoiled attitude!"

"Fine!" Prussia snapped, "I'm too awesome to hang out with you anyway!" with that he stormed out, leaving me in peace. I sighed heavily and clicked my desktop link to Amazondotcom. If I was going to have Prussia as a semi-unwelcome housemate, I was going to need a lock for my door, pronto.

A few minutes later in the process of looking at heavy duty locks online (yes I know I should've been working, but as this was clearly going to be an issue I needed to do it before I forgot) I heard a couple of crashes from upstairs and winced. Then I heard Prussia yelling from somewhere in the rooms above me that my games sucked, followed by a loud question of why the room he was in was so full of plush dolls and figurines and a whining mention that they were staring at him.

Then he screamed and asked why the Prussia figurine was dry humping the Russia figurine. Oh right, I forgot I'd done that. But honestly, it wasn't just Prussia, I had all my Hetalia figurines going after the Russia's hot body in some respect- all became one with Russia eventually you know. Then Prussia just HAD to announce he was taking the Prussia figurine and hiding it somewhere where I could never disgrace it again. I growled under my breath until I heard heavy footsteps on the stairs, leading back down to my hallway and toward my study again. The door was flung open and Prussia marched to my bed and flung himself down on his back, glaring at the ceiling. Then he seemed to realise what he was looking at and flipped over onto his stomach. I had swivelled to watch him when he re-entered.

"What is it now?" I asked, rather exasperated. I noticed Bandit and Dudley walking into the room after Prussia and jumping onto my bed as well to begin sniffing at Prussia's legs.

"I'm boooooored," Prussia moaned into the mattress.

I rolled my eyes and swivelled back to my screen, eyeing a rather nice looking deadbolt. "Then find something to dooooo," I replied, mimicking his tone.

Prussia seemed to have lifted his face off of the comforter because I could hear him better when he next spoke, sounding rather annoyed I might add. "You have no TV, your video games suck, your DVDs suck, so what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

I sucked in my cheeks and thought about that as I added the deadbolt to my shopping cart. "Well... why don't you go play with Gilbird?"

"He's sleeping, and he gets pissy when you wake him up," Prussia said knowledgably.

"Then... write more in your journals! You like doing that don't you?"

Prussia scoffed. "It's hard to write about what I'm doing if I'm not _doing_ anything, duh."

I decided at this point to ignore him and see if he would go away. It was a tactic that I would use a lot in the past for various problems, mostly dirty dishes. Though I've come to understand that when you live alone dishes don't so much go away when you ignore them as multiply. I hoped this wouldn't be the case here.

After I eventually finished ordering a couple decent locks, I pulled up my novel again and re-read the last couple of lines to remind myself where I was. With a slight nod to myself, I typed about three words before I heard movement on the mattress and prepared to minimize the window if needed. But I didn't hear Prussia come up behind me; instead I heard, well, this:

"What are you looking at, stupid mutt? You bit my foot; I don't give a crap if Gilbird scratched you. I bled, in case you were wondering."

There was a low growl.

"Yeah I know you bled too, don't get up in my face about it! And what the hell are you looking at? Look, same thing to you, I don't have any sympathy for anything that messes with my awesomeness."

A low whine, sounded like Bandit's. I noticed that I'd paused in my typing and hurriedly finished the sentence, but found I couldn't really concentrate.

"W-what? Hey! Don't go sitting there! My lap belongs to Gilbird only! Back off! AH! GROSS!" there was some sputtering. "MOM! YOUR DOG LICKED INSIDE MY MOUTH!"

"Yes, Dudley tends to do that," I said, trying unsuccessfully to hide a snigger. "And I'm not your mother." I added stiffly as I turned around to see Prussia holding my Yorkie-poo in one arm and wiping his mouth vigorously with the other, spitting on my floor. How disgusting. Well, it was still kind of funny that he got a Dudley-brand make-out session. Bandit was nuzzling into his side as well. Huh. So my dogs have accepted Prussia. I doubted Dudley would accept Gilbird for a while though... unless maybe he forgot about the bird by now. I never really know with him. He seems smart one minute, the next he's running headfirst into the wall. But I digress.

"I'm still bored," Prussia announced, jumping off the bed and tossing Dudley onto the covers where he rolled over and looked utterly adorable. But then he always did. My precious little Dudders. Prussia was pouting at me, which was less adorable and more annoying than anything at this point. And exasperating. Very exasperating.

"Look bub, it's, uh..." I checked the time at the corner of my computer screen. "Eleven forty five pm! Wow, so late already? Uh, but yeah! It's late; I've got to at least finish this chapter before I go to bed. So get your ass out of here. I don't care what you do once you're out, but I would suggest going to bed as well because you're helping me shovel out the driveway tomorrow!"

Prussia was suddenly gaping at me. "What the fuck? I'm way too awesome to-"

"Yeah, yeah, too awesome to do menial labour, too awesome to get your hands wet, I don't care, you're helping," I tried to put as much finality in my tone as possible, but apparently it didn't take.

"What the hell do you need to shovel that thing for, anyway?" Prussia pursed his lips, looking rather defiant.

I groaned, rubbing my eyes. It was too late at night to deal with this shit; I hadn't had to deal with this shit since I made my first publishing deal and got to kick my roommate out of my apartment in Toronto. I shouldn't have to deal with this shit now.

"Because, Gilbert-who-will-die-by-my-hand-if-he-doesn't-leave-when-I'm-finished-this-explanation, I do not know when Russia will ship here, but when he does I need to be prepared. This means I need to buy more food first of all because what I have won't last three mouths very long. I will also need a Russian cookbook probably... god knows I haven't a clue how to cook but I'll figure something out. Then when I get back I..." I took a deep breath here, "I'm going to start... cleaning out some of upstairs. So I need cleaning products too." God, that was going to take hours if not days, but I had to make some room for the Russian. I wouldn't dare put Ivan in the basement, and honestly Prussia should thank me for that if he thought about it for a few minutes. He wouldn't of course but... Oh, I probably should order another bed online too while I was thinking about it.

"Well you'd better not think the awesome me is going to help you pretty up that psycho's room," Prussia spat as I switched my online search from door locks to beds and mattresses.

"No. But I _do_ expect you to help clear the driveway and come shopping with me. Not that I want to go shopping with you, but I am not stupid enough to leave someone like you here by yourself."

"What do you mean someone like me?" Prussia's eyes narrowed. My eye twitched.

"I mean, I don't want you nosing through my stuff while I'm gone."

"Then you have to buy me something when we're out."

"... no."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yesssss..."

"Noooo..."

"Buy me something."

"Go to hell."

Prussia pursed his lips again and narrowed his eyes as well. "You're going to buy me something." And with that he left my room, slamming the door.

"NO I WON'T!" I yelled through the wall, knowing he would hear me. All I heard in the hallway heading for the kitchen and the stairs to the basement was 'kesesesesese' so I didn't think he'd given up just yet...

I turned back to my desktop. My screensaver was on. The image onscreen was of Axel and Roxas from Kingdom Hearts making out against a wall. Such sexiness. With a soft sigh of contentment, I moved the mouse and began typing at my story again and I'm proud to say that at one o'clock in the morning of Thursday Dec. 11th year 2020 I managed to finish Chapter 10 of the novel Heart of Darkness, my halfway mark. If that title sounds cheesy that's because it is, but I knew it would sell and when one is primarily concerned with where the money for her new collection of plush dolls (and perhaps a new Prussia figurine depending on how well my current one was hidden) is coming from, selling was what mattered. After finishing the chapter I finished ordering my locks and picked out a nice looking bed and mattress set with some sunflower print bed sheets. Then I turned off my monitor, turned off the light, put my glasses on my bedside table, crawled into bed (shooing my pups to the end of it) and fell into a satisfied sleep. Only to be awoken at 3am by a yell from the kitchen.

"HEY! WHERE DO YOUR KEEP YOUR BIER?"

After I'd finished freaking out and remembered why I was hearing another voice in my house at three in the morning, I screamed back: "I DON'T HAVE ANY BEER!"

Stamping feet, Prussia bursts into the room, the dogs jump up and start barking loudly at him until they sniff his legs and quiet. When they'd shut up I took notice that Prussia was seething.

"What the hell do you mean you don't have any bier?" he said in a deadly quiet voice.

"I mean, I don't have any beer," I said, wondering what the hell I did to deserve this kind of ridiculous question while I was trying to sleep. Although if I'd unexpectedly ended up with a very real Ivan Braginski instead of a real Prussia, I would most likely be experiencing extreme pain due to lack of vodka in the house right now, so perhaps I ought to count my blessings. Unless that pain involved sexual conduct, which I would be more willing to accept, but let's not go there.

Prussia was twitching now. "Why don't you have bier?"

"Because I don't drink alcohol," I said simply, sitting up in bed by this point.

"Mien Gott, what the hell is wrong with you!" Prussia threw his hands into the air with a look of disbelief. "You live alone in the middle of frozen nowhere with a packrat hoard of stuff, you spend your days in some kind of sadistic pervert mode, and you don't even drink bier?"

"No. I don't. Fuck off. It's three in the morning, so go back to bed. We'll get beer in town tomorrow, okay?" Prussia stared. Then he started to smile, which soon turned into something of an evil grin. "W-what?" I stammered. I didn't like that look.

"So you're going to buy the awesome me something after all!"

"The awesome... buy... oh fuck," I fell back on my pillows. It was too early in the morning to deal with this sort of idiocy. "Go to bed. For the love of God."

"Fine, but you're still buying me bier!" Prussia laughed and slammed my door. I could hear him laughing all the way to the basement.

'_Goddamn Prussian. Ivan had better beat him good and hard with his water pipe when he gets here, I'm serious_,' I thought to myself as I got up, turned off my light, and went back to sleep.

A few hours later, round about ten, I climbed out of bed and went to the kitchen bleary eyed. I stroked my cats, fed all my adorable pets, and stumbled to get some Frosted Flakes shaken into a cereal bowl. I poured some milk on it, set it at my place at the table, and sat down to start eating. After swallowing my fifth bite I felt the uneasiness of being watched. I glanced up to see an albino man looking at me from across the table with a grumpy look on his face.

"AH!" I screamed, pushing back from the table and causing the milk to slop over the edge of my bowl. "When the fuck- why the fuck- oh right, Unit thing... Prussia... Gilbert... goddamn it." I rubbed my forehead as I suddenly remembered why I had a guy in my house before going to get a towel for the spill.

Prussia seemed rather scandalized. "What the fuck? You did _not_ seriously forget the Awesome Prussia was in your house, that's fucking impossible! I'm-"

"Too awesome for that! I know! _I get it._ Now shut the fuck up!" I wiped the table quickly, slammed myself back in my seat and started shoving the sweet tasting cereal into my mouth in huge spoonfuls, my cheeks puffing out like a chipmunk's as I tried to chew.

Prussia looked rather disgusted by me and made a noise that also conveyed as much. Whatever, like I care what Prussia thinks of me. If he were Ivan, I would likely be taking more care with my appearance. As it was, he could go die. The only reason I was letting him live thus far was to give Russia a peace offering when he arrived. The plan: Prussia would be Ivan's BDSM sex slave while I watched the action on a hidden camera network. Then I would convince Ivan that in order to make my house one with Mother Russia he would have to have serious rough, violent sex with me. It was foolproof! Erm... hopefully.

Oh, that reminds me, I have to remember to order the instalment of a hidden camera network. I would consider that my next priority after cleaning up a space for Russia.

At any rate, I managed to finish off my breakfast and reminded Prussia of the need to shovel my driveway. The blizzard from the day before had more or less subsided, though it did continue to snow lightly, and had left in its wake a good two feet of snow. Hard as it may be to believe, the day Prussia arrived I had pushed my snow blower around a bit in the morning so it wasn't three feet deep like the lawn around it, even higher than that in the piles where I'd blown the snow earlier.

Prussia had grumbled, moaned and bitched like nobody's business, but eventually he consented to put on one of my larger winter coats and grab a shovel when I reminded him that if we didn't get out of the driveway we could in no way purchase his alcohol of choice. The shovelling was a long and nasty business and by the time we got the snow to a level where it could be blown, my hair was sticking to my scalp and I stank like a Chinese kid in a sweat shop. (What, that was insensitive? Cry me a river bub, the simile is staying where it is.)

In any case, I hate the smell of sweat more than any other stench of the planet (perhaps the reason why I avoid exercise so diligently) so I announced to Prussia that his job was to clear the rest of the driveway with the snow blower while I had a shower and changed my clothes. He seemed happy with the idea of working the snow blower, probably because it made obnoxiously loud noises and spewed pollution into the air. They had so much in common it was surprising I hadn't read any fan fiction pairing the two. Chuckling at that thought, I opened my garage door, revealing my dark red 2006 Ford Taurus that I'd had in my possession since the day I'd left home. Even if it used to be my _father's_, I was quite fond of it. It didn't see much action these days as I spent much time at home (though I'm not a recluse, remember!) but I had still managed to get snow tires put on it in early November so I knew it should have theoretically been good to go down into town that day.

I pointed out the snow blower and explained how to start it. I honestly doubted Prussia was listening too closely as he was busy snorting over how old my car was. Dick. Still though, I left him to his job as I went back inside and began stripping off my clothes on the way to the shower. My dogs were running around at my feet but I really didn't have time to indulge them with love at the moment. I was down to my underwear when I opened the bathroom door and quickly got rid of these last articles of clothing when I entered the room and shower. Hot water! What bliss after that frosty nightmare that was outside!

As I pumped some shampoo into my hand and lathered up my hair, I began to strategize. I hadn't been into town in a few months, the last time being because I had a craving for mint chocolate chip ice cream and found that the only ice cream flavours I had left from my previous food order were strawberry, regular chocolate and Rocky Road. This was rectified quickly enough, but I generally ordered everything I needed over the phone or online. I believe I've said I dislike leaving the house. (But I'm not a recluse! I can leave whenever I want to- I'm proving so right now! I just don't usually want to...) I hadn't left my house in a while, so I needed to plan what I was going to do. I would have to get into the car with Prussia, drive to the grocery store, get food. Did they have beer there? I wasn't sure, but if not I was pretty sure there was a liquor store nearby. I was pretty sure the grocery store had a florist section as well since it was probably the store in town that did the most business. Actually, I could probably just go to that one place! That would be nice, just in and out without hassle.

Finally I shut off the water, feeling rather pleased with my strategizing skills. I was feeling quite confident with myself as I strolled from the bathroom and down the hall to my study. I opened the door wide.

Prussia was at my computer looking at something. How and why I didn't know, but he looked up as I walked in. I hadn't put my clothes on or even bothered putting on a towel as I had assumed Prussia would have stayed outside. Clearly I was wrong.

"GAH!" I shrieked, slamming my door to Prussia's wild laughter. I ran back to the bathroom, grabbed a towel, wrapped it around myself, grabbed the toilet plunger, and stormed back to my room with bloody murder in my eyes.

"WHAT THE HELL GILBERT?" I screamed, swinging the plunger at the suddenly distressed man.

"HEY! I'M GOING, I'M GOING!" he yelled, jumping out my chair and running from the room before I could land a decent blow. I slammed the door behind him and groaned, leaning against it. What the fuck. Seriously. What the fuck.

This thought running through my mind, I checked my computer screen. Hmm, a blog? It was in German but...

I suddenly realised my door still did not have a lock. I scurried around my room and made sure I was fully dressed (wearing a set of blue sweat pants and a t-shirt with a dragon on it) before running the blog entry through a translator program. Obviously it was a bit choppy in translation, but I managed to get my head around what it said for the most part, and I'll give you the version that I picked out of it so as to save you the headache of deciphering it:

_Dec. 11, 2020_

_Hello my fans, it's me, the Awesome Prussia, back again to do my blog of all my awesome happenings so you can stay updated! _

_Well, things aren't that awesome right now. I just got bought by some reclusive chick with big tits but no figure. I don't even get what her damn problem is, I offered her my five meters of awesome but she just gets all pissed off and sets her dogs on me! It was totally un-awesome! But then Gilbird fought them off, so that was actually pretty awesome. But then the chick (who still hasn't told me her name by the way, what the fuck) goes all postal on me and keeps threatening Gilbird, whom her cat almost ATE. And she's making me sleep in the basement and she doesn't even keep bier in the house. _

_Not to mention she's making me work like a SLAVE shovelling her driveway for her! I only just finished and she's in the shower. WOAH! No she's not, she just came back and saw me at her computer. Stupid psycho didn't even have a towel! She screamed, but it's not like I really want to look at someone like her naked anyway. Oh, she's a psycho because she ordered a Russia Unit, but I think she's going to come back so I'm going to post this now and explain more of her psycho-ness later. SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THE UNAWESOMENESS._

_Love, the Awesome Prussia_

...God fucking damn it. What an exaggerating little bitch. I checked the watch I had put on. Nearly noon now, I had to get going, but I bookmarked Prussia's blog on my web browser, promising myself to look at his previous entries later. The weird thing is that there _were_ previous entries. Many, in fact, by the archive numbers. Hadn't he just been activated yesterday? And he hadn't had access to a working computer that I knew of so... what did that mean?

No, I had priorities. First was to finish shopping. Next was to clean a space for Russia. Then install cameras. After that I could worry about what those other entries could possibly be.

I quickly brushed out my hair (it was still damp but I figured the car would be warm) and when I left my room Prussia was sitting in the front hall with Gilbird on his head.

"So are we going to get bier now?" he asked with a smirk.

"You're a prick. Go to hell and burn there," I muttered, grabbing my coat and boots.

"Why, cause I saw you naked? It's your own stupid fault," Prussia scoffed.

"No, it is not because you saw me naked. That was a dick move too, sneaking around my room like that, but if you don't fucking like it here then you can just fucking leave cause I don't see what's stopping you!" I snapped angrily.

Prussia paused for a moment and then looked concerned, the corners of his mouth tilting downward. "You can read German?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, it was an online translator program, dumbass. Now if you don't like it here, I'll just leave you in town and you can find a way to ship yourself somewhere else. Won't that be just great for you?"

Prussia paused, looking a little uncomfortable. Then his eyes suddenly hardened and he got this defiant look. "Don't tell me what to do! Just for that, I'm staying whether you like it or not!"

"... what," I said dully, my eyelids lowering and staring at him without a clue how to react to that. So he did want to stay? What the hell was with that blog entry then?

"Now come on, if I'm staying you're buying the awesome me enough bier to last me for at least the rest of the week!" Prussia announced, somehow already in his coat and marching out the door. "So at least four cases!" Still not having a clue what brought on this firm declaration to stay with me, I set the alarm system, locked the front door and followed him to the garage. As I climbed inside the car and Prussia clamoured into the passenger seat, I noticed that Gilbird was still on his head.

"That thing isn't coming into the store with us," I said firmly as I started up the engine and ignored Prussia's return glare. It seemed that it would need a minute to warm up properly. Thank god I had taken good care of it or it might not have started up at all. But I loved that old thing, I really did. I even named it. Its name is Ricky Astley. You know, like 'never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...' like Rick Rolling! That old internet meme, with the... with the guy and the... and the fake out and... and the...

... don't judge me. And shut the fuck up, you just got Rick Rolled, suck it.

At any rate, I finally managed to pull out of my rather long driveway, hitting the remote button to close my garage door as I got out onto the ploughed road. It was only really kept ploughed because I and the few others who lived along this stretch paid the town extra to get them to come out here; I was kind of secluded with the trees and the hill and everything. When I reached the road I gave my house a final fleeting look in the rear view mirror before turning and having it blocked out by a line of pine trees. My house stood on a clear lot surrounded by these trees (and my electric fence to keep out bears as you know) and they served as a good means to block out any noise or light my few neighbours would give off. I bet they thought I was some kind of hermit-like recluse. Which is completely wrong, cause I'm not. Seriously, even if it may seem like it sometimes. I was going out now though, wasn't I?

I drove along in silence at a slower pace than usual due to the slippery state of the road. Prussia was staring out the window at the passing trees as they began to grow further apart until we reached a stretch of farmer's field.

"Geez, how far away from a store do you live, anyway?" Prussia broke the silence after ten minutes of driving this way. Oh well, all good things come to an end.

"Not that far, maybe a twenty minute drive, we're halfway there," I explained. Prussia made a noise of unhappy acknowledgement before fiddling with my radio. He found a station that blasted some kind of rap music that I quickly fell into background noise and I didn't pay attention to it. Prussia didn't seem that interested either and went back to looking out the window. So much for the silence but at least I wasn't required to respond to some guy swearing to a beat over a radio broadcast.

We were about five minutes from the store when I finally broke down and asked. I knew I was going to wait until later but it wouldn't leave the back of my mind. "Why were there previous entries in that blog? Weren't you just activated yesterday?"

Prussia actually jumped a little at my sudden question and I smirked.

"Previous…? Oh, I didn't write those," Prussia replied. I scowled at the road.

"What do you mean you didn't? It was your blog!"

"Well, it's the Awesome Prussia's blog," Prussia said.

"I just said that."

"No, I mean, it's a blog for all the Prussia Units," Prussia explained, "We all post there. It's totally awesome because I can find out what my awesome self is doing all over the world!"

That… was kind of a weird idea. But giving it a bit of thought, perhaps it made some kind of sense? I mean they _were_ selling these things, even if they were living, but it was weird to think that there was more than one of him… wait.

"So, what, you're some sort of clone then? I didn't know the world had descended back to slave trade," I said in monotone. Had I purchased a slave? Damn, how unethical.

"Slave? No one can enslave the great Prussia! But, um, yeah I guess I'm kind of a clone," Prussia suddenly fell silent and I glanced at him from the corner of my eyes.

"Um, but that implies an original version. And I didn't think countries were actually… HOLY CRAP, ARE HETALIA PERSONIFICATIONS REAL?" I screamed, the car swerving on the road. Thank god I was the only one out there or we might've hit someone.

"Of course not! Don't be stupid, it's un-awesome!" Prussia huffed, "The 'original' was genetically modified. They took an egg, a sperm, and genetically engineered all over its ass until it became the Awesome Me. Then when it got old enough to extract DNA from, they made a bunch of clones of it."

I frowned. "So somewhere out there is a facility with all the Hetalia characters as well as clones of them?"

"Well not just Hetalia characters, there's other animes and American characters too, and some stuff from other countries but not as much, it's kind of a free-for-all," Prussia shrugged. I noticed he was staring out the window while he answered my questions.

"And they just sell them over the internet. Why haven't I heard about this on the news or anything?"

"Do you _watch_ the news?"

"Uh… I read internet articles! So why wasn't it there?"

Prussia shifted in his seat, looking uncomfortable. "Well it's like…"

"OH FUCK!" I yelled, turning the corner to where the old grocery store used to be, effectively cutting Prussia off. The explanation would have to wait, the grocery store was gone and in its place was a Wal-Mart!

What. The. FUCK. This totally messed up my strategizing from earlier! Well probably, I didn't know what was in the Wal-Mart yet but this was still not cool, when had this happened? I know I hadn't been to town in a while but GEEZ.

"Okay, don't panic, I-I'm sure there are other places to get food. Um, um…" I glanced at the surrounding street. Not much was open, probably having fallen to the superstore and its small town economy crushing ways. Wait a minute; they sold food at Wal-Mart! What was I worried about? "Okay, so we're going in, I'll grab some food and cleaning supplies. Then we'll go to the liquor store over there and get beer. Then we will go home. That's the plan, we can do it! Huzzah!" I tried to keep my breathing even but I was still feeling nauseous. I never liked Wal-Marts, and I hadn't expected such a change in my plans. On the other hand, Prussia seemed to have lost his discomfort and responded normally.

"I'm way too awesome for a stupid cheap store like that."

"Shut the fuck up Gilbert," I snapped, finding a parking spot. Since it was half past noon on a Thursday, it wasn't particularly crowded so I got nice spot close to the door, which is of course excellent for a quick getaway in case things went wrong. And between Wal-Mart and Prussia, things could go very wrong indeed.

I managed to coax Prussia out of the vehicle _sans_ Gilbird who could wait where he was, and we went through the front doors of the plaza.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" the voice of a young lady came from my right, smiling and waving. Greeters. One of the many reasons I disliked this store. No one wants to be greeted by these people! I'm here to shop, not to have a conversation, seriously. I was about to walk by when the girl screamed. I turned to find Prussia latched onto her breasts.

"Nice breasts, want to see my five meters?"

"WHAT THE HELL GILBERT?" I shrieked, grabbing the back of his jacket and yanking hard. He fell backward into me.

"Hey, what the fuck was that for?" Gilbert snapped, struggling against my hold.

"You can't grope people in public damn it!" I shouted, pushing him to one side and sending him a death glare. He fell into irritated muttering and I turned to the horrified girl with a semi-apologetic look.

"Wh-wh-wh-wha…?" Her eyes sped from me to Prussia and back again, her arms covering her breasts and her skin blanched.

"Um, sorry about Gilbert, he's not… erm… he's not right in the head," I tapped my own head to emphasize the point. To my left, Prussia gaped at me.

"I am totally right in the head! I'm AWESOME in the head!"

"See?"

The girl's face turned disgusted. "Ew, I was groped by a retard?"

"I'M NOT A RETARD!" Prussia screamed, once more scandalized.

"As far as I'm concerned you are," I muttered, sending the girl another apologetic look before pushing Prussia toward a shopping cart sitting on its own. I began pushing it and Prussia hopped inside. I stopped, giving him a disbelieving look as he settled into the basket.

"Really Gilbert? _Really?_"

"Shut up and push the cart. How can I walk by myself if I'm retarded?"

"You're not really… mentally handicapped. And those people can walk anyway!"

"Whatever you say, mom."

"Not your mother! Seriously, I'm only eight years older than you, so shut your fucking cake hole!"

I noticed there were some actual mothers hurrying their children by me, a few clasping their hands over their children's ears. Oh right, swearing in public is bad. Forgot.

In any case, I figured if Prussia was in the shopping cart at least he would be less likely to wander out of my sight and grope more people, so this could be a good thing. For the first while I managed to collect some detergent, some glass cleaner for the windows, and also restock for milk, eggs, bread, Mac and Cheese, spaghetti, Chef Boyardee and everything else I knew how to cook. Prussia jumped out of the cart at some point when he ran out of room and went around buying what he called 'actual food' as well as spices and stuff. Since it seemed he might actually know more in the kitchen than I did I just let him get whatever he wanted. It would be expensive sure, but it wasn't as if I couldn't afford it. It did mean I would have to see how well Heart of Darkness sold before I could buy all the latest anime series that I wanted, such as the VassaLord box set on DVD next year. God, I remember in high school when I started reading the manga. It took them six years to license it to DVD, but with cyborg vampires and yaoi relations it was only a matter of time before that bout of pure amazingness was brought to fluid motion, or as fluid as anime ever got at least.

At last we managed to get out of the store. What? You thought the bear thing was happening this time around? I said the spaghetti was two days ago now, not one! I know, going into town twice in two days isn't something I would normally do but trust me when I say it will be explained. As it is, the rest of the Wal-Mart visit went fairly normally. It kind of reminded me of ancient days where I would go there with my friends, back when I kept in contact with them. Now they were all just Facebook faces I rarely contacted, but back then we were all kind of crazy, running around stores and pulling stuff off shelves and giggling and… well Prussia wasn't really doing that, but the company kind of reminded me…

Not that I really missed those days. I liked how I lived now. Really, it was almost suffocating having all those people around, laughing and giggling like crazy, I could never just sit around and do what I wanted, I was always having to schedule around _them_ not _me_ and none of them ever had any money to do anything cool anyway! Not that I did anything now… well it's not like I had anyone to do anything with but… but well…

A-anyway, I got out of the store. Right. So we got back into the car and Gilbird flitted back to Prussia's head instantly, causing him to perk right up as I piled our groceries into the back seat. Taking up my position at the wheel I cruised straight from the parking lot and across the road to the liquor store. There was only one reason I knew where that store was, and that was because I had decided one day that I would buy a bottle of wine and try to get drunk, just to find out what it was like. I bought some white wine, brought it home, took a sip and as for the taste… well I spat it on my dog. Couldn't even try to swallow it. I was aiming for the floor but Dudley got in the way so… well I hadn't bothered trying since then. I still knew where the liquor store was though.

It wasn't a particularly large store, but then it wasn't a particularly large town. There were only about five thousand people living here, which meant that there were only twice as many people here than there were students at my old high school. Inside the selection was pretty much red wine, white wine, some various hard liquors… I hoped to god vodka was among them. And if I recalled correctly, about eight kinds of beer. Hopefully one would appeal to the Prussian otherwise I don't think I would be able to stand his whining.

I pulled up onto the curb outside of the store and it was a wonder that Prussia didn't break the door off its hinges in his haste to dash toward the alcohol. I sighed as the door was left swinging open. If he broke anything on my car, he couldn't even pay me back.

Oh wait, hadn't the manual said he could get a job? Maybe I ought to look into that later. For the moment though, I got out of the car, shut the door and went to Prussia's side to shut that as well. Then I locked the car. The town was pretty much dead at the moment. The kids were in school, the parents were at work, only the local town hobo was to be seen behind the Wal-Mart where only a few cars graced the parking lot… it was nice. Peaceful even. Thank God for that.

Then I heard a loud yell from inside the liquor store. Oh God, what now?

I hurried inside to find Prussia with his hand on the crotch of the employee manning the counter. Gilbird was flying around in his usual twittering maniac manner.

"Awe come on, you don't need to throw little Gilbird out! How about I show you my five meters?"

"GILBERT WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU AT WAL-MART?"

"Mom, seriously, it's fine," Prussia gave the poor man's crotch a rub. He was a skinny guy, a little feminine looking actually, and looked scared out of his wits as he whimpered and looked at me wide eyed.

"I'm not your mother," I hissed, "And let him go or we're leaving right now, Mister." My eyes widened suddenly, mirroring those on the guy currently being molested. Oh yeah, that _totally_ didn't sound like a mother thing I just said. And if it did it was because Gilbert was acting like a total child right now. Dick.

"Awe, fine," Gilbert reluctantly released the man who darted behind the counter and looked ready to press the panic button. It was my turn to look pleadingly at him.

"Look, I'm sorry; he loves that bird, I don't get it, just… do you have any vodka here?" I asked, feeling bad for the guy. I mean, I'm no people person but I knew most people were more averse to random groping by hot guys than I was.

The man nodded blankly, staring at Gilbert who had gone to look at the types of beer available.

"Then could I get some of that? I think a dozen bottles should do for now. And then Gilbert will pick out a few cases of beer and we'll be gone, okay?"

"I- erm… he's your son?" the man managed to gasp out. He was sweating. Kind of gross but you know, I couldn't blame him after what just happened. The comment irritated me though.

"No, I just said I wasn't! He's just a… an annoying housemate. That's all, I'm only twenty eight!" I insisted.

"So, um, he's gay then?"

"Er, bi I think, probably," I wondered where this was going.

"So… think maybe I could get his phone number?" he asked in a low voice, a tiny smile sprouting on his lips. I gaped at him. He… he wanted…

"No! No, he gropes everyone, just like... no he doesn't really like you, I mean he groped _me _when we met, so it's just like how he says hello you know? Um, so like…"

"Hey Mom! They have a German bier! Score!" Gilbert picked up a case and called over his shoulder, clearly not listening to my awkward conversation.

"I'M NOT YOUR MOM! So like… he probably isn't actually that interested. His type is more…" I paused, noting the deflated look on the guy's face. "Erm… well… it's like…" I trailed off as Gilbert slammed six cases of the German beer on the counter, next to the vodka bottles the skinny guy had slowly been putting on the counter. It was then that I saw behind the counter and noticed for the first time the bulge in the front of the guy's pants. Wow. So Gilbert really did turn him on. Though I supposed he was rather hot, and some people liked a forward attitude, I could attest...

Before things could become more awkward (as the guy was already looking like he might try to ask Gilbert's number anyway and I didn't want some random townsperson calling my house) I yanked out my credit card and told him loudly that I would be charging the order. He reluctantly took the card and seemed to have lost his will to ask Gilbert out as the albino seemed to have stopped paying attention and was instead petting Gilbird.

Gilbert carried the beer to the car and I somehow managed to take all the vodka bottles in one trip (and as there was a half dozen that was some feat lemme tell you). Once in our seats and buckled in, I hesitated in turning the ignition key.

"Erm… hey Gilbert?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you want to have sex with the guy in there?"

Gilbert snorted. "What, are you jealous of seeing the awesome me paying attention to someone besides you?" Strangely there was some kind of dark look in his eyes. Huh, this sort of reminded me of something in the manual... didn't it say Prussia actually wanted a relationship? Well even if I was wrong, what good was preventing this from happening? I doubted Gilbert could conduct an actual relationship, but a hook up or two might actually keep him out of my hair so I could get some work done without him barging into my room. Also, potential homosexual sexy time viewing.

I paused and then smirked, deciding. "No, he was just asking for your number in there. I said you weren't interested, but if you went back in there, you could probably get in his pants. Just saying."

Gilbert stared at me, his jaw hanging slack. Could it be that he honestly didn't think he could get into everyone's pants?

"What, like, seriously?" he asked, seeming disbelieving. I clucked my tongue.

"Yes seriously, so did you want to shag him or not?"

"Well he's not… I mean I don't… but he… he wants…. _Seriously_?" Gilbert's mouth was still hanging open. How unattractive. Still though, what the hell. He _honestly_ didn't think that guy wanted him? It was so fucking obvious... what the fuck.

"Yes seriously! So are you going or not?"

"I… heh. Kesesesesese, I know what you're doing, it's not going to work," he gave a sick grin and I scowled.

"What?"

"You're trying to get me to leave so you can drive off without me! It's not going to work!"

"… what."

"Just go get the goddamn sunflowers for your precious Russia, oh I'm sorry _Ivan_. Don't worry, I'm going to stay well out of the way while you try all your sick perversions on him." Was it just me, or did Prussia seem for all the world… upset? What the fuck? That was too fucking much for me.

"No! I'm completely serious. Do you want me to go in with you? Because I will! Come on, let's go!" I opened my car door and walked around to Gilbert's side, yanking it open once more. He stared at me once again slack jawed and I had to pull him from his seat and push him toward the liquor store again. The man at the counter looked up straight away, suddenly blushing brightly.

"Erm, d-did you forget something?" he asked.

"You want to have sex with him right?" I asked, pointing to Gilbert. The man at the counter stiffened and his entire face went red.

"I- but- you- but- didn't-?" he started to sputter unintelligibly and I hoped he wouldn't ruin this.

"Do you or do you not?" I demanded.

"I… well if… if he wanted… um…" the man looked quickly away, his wide eyed look firmly back in place. Hmm, except for a mole on the right ear and just off center nose, I could him cute. But of course, those in the real world always had physical flaws, I could fully attest to that and realised I had several of my own.

Gilbert's demeanour changed instantly with the liquor man's admission. He strolled right behind the counter and cupped the man's face with one hand, his crotch with the other. My face started heating up and my hands started wringing together down by my waist. Oh God, guy on guy! Guy on guy! REAL LIFE YAOI FLUFF YOU GUYS. If I weren't standing where they could see me...

"So, I hear you want my phone number?" Gilbert asked softly, his eyes boring into the guy and a shit-eating grin on his face.

"I… y-yeah?" the other guy was starting to smile now, his blush lessening to just his cheeks. I hardly noticed my hands going up to clutch at my breasts. It was a comfort thing, because god this was hot. I could see Gilbert's hand moving on the other guy's crotch.

"Awesome," Gilbert said and then abruptly drew away from the man and turned to me. My hands quickly shot away from my chest. "Hey Mom! What's my phone number?"

"Not… n-not your… ho shit," I started breathing again, unaware I had stopped doing that. I slowly rattled off my phone number in a daze. God, I had to look up some decent porn when I got home. Even before cleaning, I had to get some goddamn release over here; this was torture knowing they most likely wouldn't go further in front of me!

"Good with that?" Gilbert asked the man.

"Y-yeah," he whispered.

"Cool, so call the Awesome Prus- erm, the Awesome Gilbert when you want to set up something, deal?" Gilbert grinned.

"G-Gilbert? Huh, um, y-yeah. Yeah I will," the guy was looking far more confident now, brushing his longish dark brown hair out of his eyes. "My name's Corey."

"Great," Gilbert grinned again in his most perverted way, giving Corey's crotch one last firm squeeze. "Totally awesome." And with that he left the store. I followed him in a daze, visions of guys ripping each other's clothes off dancing in my head.

Prussia's grin continued as we got into the car again. I started up the engine and we drove a few blocks to the florist's. Prussia was in such a good mood that he even helped me carry all the sunflowers I bought out to the car (I'd bought out the entire supply the store had. Strange they carried this many in December...) and didn't even make a comment when I told him that if he was going to fuck Corey at my house he was going to have to help me with cleaning up the upstairs.

About ten minutes into the drive home I finally gave in and started to smile as well. Prussia's good mood was becoming infectious.

"Damn, you must seriously like this guy if you're this happy," I observed, blowing a slow breath out of my mouth. I would've given a low whistle, but I never quite figured out how to do that. My best whistle was something like a bird-ish tweet.

"Huh?" Prussia had been staring out the window again and seemed to startle out of a daydream. "Oh, um, well the Awesome Me obviously can have whatever ass he so wants. But I guess Corey's pretty cute. Yeah..." he was back to grinning out the window, his eyes glazed. Huh. I wonder if this kind of behaviour was normal in a Prussia Unit. Prussia clone. God what a strange concept.

"Oh, I just remembered something. So you _are_ going to get a job right?" I asked, the farmer's field passing us by and the view turning into trees again, slowly growing closer together.

"I'm too awesome to-"

"No. You're getting a job," I smirked, "Maybe your new boyfriend could hook you up with one at the liquor store?"

Prussia suddenly... blushed. Okay what the hell...

"Erm... yeah... yeah he could!" he was grinning again. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck, was this normal? Did I break him? I mean I knew he was a clone and therefore a person but clearly there were expected behaviours since there was a manual and well... what the hell. I had no fucking idea getting him a potential hook up could lead to something like this. Was this good or bad? I didn't know but... strangely it didn't seem like it was... wrong for him to act like this. I mean I'd only ever seen Prussia act arrogant and git-like, but this didn't seem like a weird set up so...

"Hey stupid, you just passed your house," Prussia pointed out the window. I slammed on the break, sliding on the snowy road. Shit he was right! I backed up slowly.

The driveway was covered in snow again. Great.

After getting out of the car and retrieving the snow blower, I cleared off the driveway and drove the car into the garage. Prussia then finally got out (having refused to clear the driveway again and sat immovably in the car while I did so myself) and we gathered up the alcohol first and walked from the garage to my front door. I unlocked it, disabled the alarm, and took a deep breath inward. Home. I was home. It felt good to pet my dogs who were barking wildly at my feet and shut the door to the biting cold air. It was nice to dump vodka on my kitchen table, knowing soon Ivan would be sitting here enjoying them with me... god my heart was hammering again. Prussia took the beer and vanished downstairs, so I was left to carry in the sunflowers and the rest of the groceries myself, taking a good four trips to do so. I didn't mind though, the euphoric feeling of being home after the strenuous outing dispelled all possible rage. The feeling wouldn't last, but it was good for the moment.

Once I'd put the groceries away (making myself a peanut butter sandwich and eating that whilst in the process) I decided that I should get myself upstairs and figure out which room I would clean up for Russia.

I hadn't been up to the second floor too much over the last month and a half, most of the videos I watched were online and I found that most of the things I purchased online didn't have much use to me once I got them. When I got upstairs I opened the door of the first room I came to. It was full. And by full I mean I opened the door and was faced by towers of boxes and still-in-the-package games, toys, everything. Crazy. But there was no way I could clean so much of this, I couldn't even tell if there were windows in here! I closed the door and moved down the hall. I noticed two yellow eyes at the end of it and froze a second before I realised it was only Coco.

"Heeey chubby kitty. I'm looking for a room for Ivan, that's Russia from Hetalia, you remember?"

Coco just stared at me. She never was a responsive as Kelly...

"Fine, be that way," I rolled my eyes and opened another door next to the first. Oh, this was much nicer. A large window faced my back yard, and I only saw about half the room covered in DVDs, games and various other electronic devices. Right, I'd forgotten I sequestered this room for that sort of thing. And if memory served, the room next door held my dolls and figurines. How on earth had I forgotten that? Well at any rate, this room would probably do as a room for Ivan. Not the largest room in the house (I believed that might've been the one that was full to bursting) but a good size. The yellow paint on the walls was a bit bright for my liking, but Russia might approve of it. Yes, with the bed installed, maybe getting a dresser and moving a lamp from the living room upstairs, this could be a cute little living space. And he could of course decorate as he saw fit.

Or sleep with me. Or sleep with Prussia. I would make sure not to be too picky on where he slept because even if Russia was awesome sauce and I with all my heart and vital regions wished to be one with him, I knew enough to be afraid of getting him angry with me without a very, very good reason.

Anyway, I was indeed happy that this upstairs room was not as horrible as I'd feared it would be and I bustled about grabbing my stuff and depositing it in the room next door. Hmm, now that Prussia had mentioned it, the dolls around the perimeter _did_ look a bit creepy staring at whomever so entered...

W-well, that just helped to guard my electronics right? So in any case, it took me about an hour to move all the piles but that was a much shorter time then I had imagined it would take. Somehow I'd gotten it into my head that all the rooms upstairs looked like the first one... geez. Well after moving my stuff (I had kind of dumped it on the floor in the other room, I would organize it again later! Probably...) I set to work cleaning the spotty windows, sweeping the dusty floor and generally making the room into a somewhat clean empty space. Then I suddenly realised there was a closet in the room.

... a full closet.

I really shouldn't have to explain what happened when I opened said full closet, because if any of you ever saw that old kids' show Zaboomafoo, you should have a pretty decent idea.

So once I'd managed to pick all _that_ up and finish wincing over my various bumps and scrapes, I hobbled downstairs to enjoy a glass of frosty milk and got back to my bedroom. Finishing the glass I set it on my bedside table and flopped down on my mattress, closing my eyes to just rest. Such exertion today, so exhausting that I could just drift off, so I did.

When I woke up, I could smell sausage and heard incredibly out of tune singing. I was still kind of sleepy, but I moved from my bed and stiffly walked out of my room toward the kitchen where the smell and terrible sound grew more intense. I didn't recognise the words, probably in German, but it sounded something like a drinking song.

Walking into the kitchen I wasn't surprised to find Prussia frying up sausage at the stove. What did surprise me was the fact that he was wearing a frilly pink apron.

"Hey, ready to eat honey? Cause dinner's almost done! Hope you like nice big juicy sausage!" he started giggling wildly and I awkwardly sat at the table.

"Erm... okay..." I said slowly, wondering what the fuck this was about. Prussia served me up a plate and I slowly carved into my wurst, taking a bite. Huh, well it _was_ good just... this was a bit... weird. A bit very weird.

"Corey called while you were asleep!" Prussia giggled, smoothing his apron and sitting across from me.

"... okay..." I said with a frown.

"He wants to go on a date! Like, not just a hook up, an actual date!" Prussia giggled again. How unnerving.

"G-great..." My eyes travelled over to the counter where Prussia's manual was still sitting. "Give me a second would you?"

I hurried over to the manual and flipped it open. Prussia took little notice and began eating his sausages with earnest. I flipped easily to the 'modes' that were listed.

"The hell... domesticated mode I guess since he's wearing an apron... where the hell did he get that from?" I was whispering to myself. So sue me.

"Can be caused by leaving alone with... well I don't have any of these other units! How the fuck did this happen when I don't? God... well maybe it's because... well these other characters, don't they all have pairings with him? Is this because of the Corey thing?" I was still whispering. Again, so sue me.

"One way out... oh god do I really have to say that?" I moaned. Prussia had now gotten out of his seat and was starting to run water in the sink to do the dishes, humming out of tune.

"But goddamn this mode is creeping me out. I'd rather he was spouting shit about being awesome than this," I muttered.

Finally I sighed, giving in. Yeah, it was a sexist thing to say and I might wish this mode was back later, but goddamn the pink apron was creepy. Again, _where did it come from?_

"Um, hey Gilbert, you know that only women should be in the kitchen right?" I said dully. Immediately Gilbert's hands dropped the dishes into the sink and he turned and sneered at me.

"Well duh, the Great Prussia is too awesome for dishes!" he scoffed, tore off the apron (_no, seriously, WHERE DID IT COME FROM?_) and then went down the stairs to his room. The fuck...

Well now I was left with the dishes to clean up, but at least Prussia was back to normal. For now. Good god what the hell, he was a clone, so he was alive, but he did weird mode shifting things and I don't even know what genetic modifications his original might've had and FUCK this was confusing.

So I decided to play a few dozen games of minesweeper, watched twelve episodes of Ouran High School Host Club (I had decided to re-watch them recently, Kyoya is my sex god on that show!) and then went to bed with all thoughts of Prussia's confusing mannerisms effectively brushed from my mind.

I would then receive a good eight hours sleep. I would've gladly slept longer if I hadn't heard my doorbell ringing and Prussia yelling for me to get the door. Someone was at the door? This early? Well with a check of the clock it was around eight am but still...

I got out of bed and wrapped a bath robe around my pyjamas before venturing into the house. Prussia was sitting in the living room as I could see when I reached the front hall. I looked hesitantly out the window.

It was that guy. That delivery guy. With a crate.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD YES! YES! OH MY GOD YES!" My mind started flashing through what I had gotten ready. The sunflowers were set up in the room, the bed would have to wait but he would probably want to sleep with his peace offering tonight anyway and well... I would have to put on clothes before I opened it but this was just... just... I quickly flung open the door. And got blasted by frigid air again, soaking into my robe but I didn't care- I was getting Russia! Honest to god...

"Oh wait, hand me that manual first bub," I said darkly, holding my hand out. The delivery man rolled his eyes and handed me the paper.

The front cover read: **IVAN BRAGINSKI: User Guide and Manual**

"YES!" I screamed, "BRING THAT PUPPY IN!"

I could hear Prussia muttering something from the living room but I didn't give a crap, Russia was here! Ivan! My lovely, lovely Hetalia heart throb! I could cry from excitement!

I started riffling through the manual eagerly as the delivery man heaved the crate through my front door. Once again, his job, I wasn't going to help the guy. Besides, he was just an average Joe, whereas now I would be sharing house space with two impossibly perfect looking guys who would have sexy interactions and... and well... god it was going to be a good day!

"Jobs... Bodyguard, Drinker, Athlete, heh. Removal... I'll get back to that. Modes? Creepy? Oh god you can always be creepy with me Russia... Relationships with other... oh ho ho, Gilbert you will be raped," probably a good thing I was muttering this to myself... "Cleaning... um, hold my head? Good thing I didn't intend to do that. Feeding... oh shit, forgot that Russian cook book! Oh wait, internet, so that's fine..."

"So are you good?"

"Huh?" my eyes locked back on the delivery man.

"Are you good? Can I go now?" he asked, eyeing the door.

"Oh yeah, sure, get out," I said, waving dismissively. He rolled his eyes a final time before leaving and shutting the door behind him.

Finally. _Finally._ I had waited my whole life for this moment. Ever since I started having crushes on fictional guys, I had waited for one of those I adored so greatly to come to life and it seemed that science had given me that miracle. I would have him, all to myself and my perverted desires...

Finally. Finally. Finally.

As I started looking at the Removal Instructions, Prussia came in from the living room and glared at the crate.

"So this is him, huh?" he asked.

"Yep!" I replied cheerfully, raking my fingers through my tangled brown hair and fixing my glasses on my nose. Pretending to be Belarus and frighten him? Oh no, I'd never do that to my beloved sexy Ivan...

"You know he's going to rape me right? What the fuck about Corey? Cheating is not awesome," he scowled. I paused in my reading. I... hadn't really thought about Corey. Well they probably wouldn't have worked out anyway and RussPruss was way hotter.

"Hey Prussia, mind screaming that you're awesome at the top of your lungs?" I asked innocently.

"Sure! I'M AWESOME!" Prussia yelled loud enough to shake walls. I winced at the sound and noticed Kelly darting out from the living room and going to hide in the kitchen. My dogs (where they had been when the delivery man had come in I don't know) scuttled into the room and began their usual campaign of barking. I immediately went to stand back, expecting the box to explode with a Russian roving to molest the next Prussian he saw.

But... the explosion never came. No sound was heard from the box at all actually.

"Um..." my blood felt like ice in my veins. What the hell did this mean? W-was he... th-they didn't get him... he couldn't be... dead in that box could he?

"What's wrong? You're all pale and stuff, totally un-awesome," Prussia observed, leaning against the wall and looking huffy.

"Well, considering that should've made Russia leapt from that box and rape you on sight, I'm concerned that he... well..." I couldn't say it. But the last option was to open the box and, well, I guess I would have to open the box. Whatever was inside... I would just have to do it.

Slowly and carefully I searched the edge of the box top for a hint of a latch. I found none, so with a sigh I went to my bedroom and grabbed a crowbar. I kept one there in case of a break in. Not that I had ever had one but you can't be too careful you know?

I managed to work the crowbar between the lid and the box and pried the two apart. Prussia watched the proceedings warily as the lid was removed and I peered inside.

At the bottom of the box were a beige Red Army overcoat, a white scarf, an Imperial Russia uniform, a water pipe, five bottles of vodka, and a sleeping child of about six year of age wearing an overcoat and a dark coloured ushanka.

I quickly flipped open the manual, ran my eyes down to trouble shooting, and looked back in the box.

The small child's violet eyes opened. He smiled up, looking hopelessly adorable. They sent me Little!Russia? Not what I asked for, not by a long shot, but still... looked... so cute...

"Oh, are you Mother Russia?" he asked softly, cocking his head to one side.

God fucking damn it.

_((Joyful Note: You know what? I've just hit 27 pages. This is too fucking long! I'm ending this sucker here and you can find out what went wrong at Wal-Mart next chapter! As it is, stay tuned; don't get caught in traffic, and stay frosty. Bleck. I hope you're all satisfied with this; I make no guarantees on the next part being longer or shorter than this one because I HAVE NO IDEA ANYMORE. It just kept getting longer and longer and I'M CUTTING IT OFF I SAY. So yeah. Have fun with this.))_


	3. Is This Some Strange Marketing Campaign?

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 3: So What, Is This Some Strange Marketing Campaign or Something?**

Apparently, the gods are firmly against me fulfilling my sexual wishes. Why else would they do this to me? All I wanted was to order a potential sex toy in the shape of an attractive animated character, and I end up with the self-absorbed idiot personification of Prussia and an adorable little kid version of my sex god who is about to enter a house that is not exactly built to house children. That is, not if I don't want to scar them for life.

"Mother Russia, are you okay?" asked the little Ivan junior, standing up in the crate and looking concerned over my heavy frown and dark, twitching eyebrows.

"I'm not Mother Russia," I said darkly, moving away from the crate and going to stand in the corner. The gods hated me. My life was trash. Why.

"So what's in the crate?" Prussia asked, moving in to get a look. I watched him from my corner as he looked over the edge.

"Oh! Are you Mother Russia?" The little voice came from inside the crate.

Prussia gave a look I would've laughed at if I wasn't feeling the doldrums of disappointment leeching through my veins. No full grown Ivan. No BDSM yaoi today. No backbreaking sex against the headboard watched through a video camera… oh wait, I forgot to order that didn't I?

"Do I _LOOK_ like a girl to you?" Prussia demanded into the crate as I continued to think about this.

_'Okay… well I did forget to order the surveillance system… perhaps I could do that now? And then just call the company and have them take back the kid and give me the real deal! I-it's easily rectified. Everything is fine. Though seriously, to mess this up twice in a row is really bad service…'_ I clapped my hands together and forced a smile onto my face. "Okay! I know what I'm going to do!" I pointed at Prussia who had his attention drawn by the whole hand clapping thing. "You will babysit while I order something online. Then I will call the Unit Company or whatever it's called…"

"It's called Unit Co., yeah," Prussia shrugged, "But I'm too awesome to babysit."

"Just watch the kid and keep him in the crate. And… and we should probably get the vodka out of there too, I don't think kids should drink that stuff…" I walked over to the crate and reached down to get the vodka but Little Ivan jumped on the bottles.

"NO! I need it! It is Russian fuel!" Little Ivan screamed, looking up at me with wide pleading eyes.

I blinked and withdrew my hand. "Um, sure why not," I mumbled. It wasn't like he would be here long anyway. And well… that wide eyed look was kind of hard to refuse. Damn, I knew Ivan was cute as a kid but when faced with him in person like this with such an expression was just unfair.

"You're letting him keep the vodka?" Prussia snorted, "You seriously suck as a parent."

"I'm not a parent! I have no intention of _being_ a parent!" I snapped, "I am totally unqualified… plus then I'd probably have to get married and cut down on my perversion indulging and… and well… I can't do that okay? A-anyway, just watch the crate, I'll be back." And with that I marched out of the front hall, through the kitchen, down the hallway and into my bedroom.

Sitting down at my swivel chair and giving it a good three spins just to keep my mood up, I quickly logged onto Amazondotcom and began looking for an in-house hidden camera network system and set-up package. Some would call it a horrid wonder that the internet had progressed to a stage where I could choose a system that would place cameras in all rooms in my house including the bathrooms and have people install it in under seven days, paying for it all with a PayPal account and a few clicks of a mouse. I wouldn't call it a wonder however; I would be more inclined to call it only natural. After all, the first thing people did with the internet was use it to mass market porn, then they made human shaped robots because they needed human shaped sex toys... and now apparently genetic engineering and cloning was being used to sell sex slaves to horny anime fans across the world. In a world of such perversions, to be able to buy and install such a clearly invasive system in a home so easily is a simple concept to accept.

Once my camera system was ordered, I leaned back in my seat, trained my eyes on a rather naughty fan art of Light Yagami chained to a chair and L licking whipped creamed from his... well you can imagine, and wondered what I should do about Little Ivan in the crate. When it came down to it I would probably have to send him back and ask for my fully grown Braginski. After all, besides the fact that the small child would require much more hands-on care than a full grown Unit, I would also probably have to make some alterations to my house. Like taking porn off my ceiling. And not swearing as much. Like hell I would do that.

So with a sigh, I wandered out my bedroom and toward the kitchen. I had left the Russia manual in the front hall, so I intended to grab Prussia's manual and look up the customer service hotline number again. However, upon entering the kitchen I heard Prussia speaking to Little Ivan and I couldn't help but be tempted to listen in, though I stayed out of sight.

"No, I'm not Mother-fucking-Russia! I'm Prussia," there was a pause; "_You_ will call me 'Your Awesomeness'."

"You are Russia? No, I am Russia!" said the soft yet insistent voice of Little Ivan. He sounded in good spirits. Bah, and even his voice was hopelessly adorable. I was going to have to hurry and call the company before I lost the nerve. I grabbed Prussia's manual from the counter where I'd left it and began to riffle through it for the customer service phone number.

"No, I said I'm _Prussia._ With a P damn it!"

"You know in my Cyrillic alphabet, the letter that looks like the P in the Latin alphabet makes your R sound," Little Ivan piped up.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Prussia asked huffily.

"I am just making an observation. When I get older and more powerful, I will become friends with you, yes?"

"Phht, like I'd ever be friends with a creepy psycho like you!"

"Creepy?"

"Yeah, you're fucking creepy!"

I found the phone number and picked up the cordless. Hopefully, this would be the last time I'd have to call customer service but... well I wouldn't bet my collection of Gakuen Heaven body pillows on it at any rate.

"Are you sure? Because my sisters do not find me very creepy, though sometimes I think Natalya acts a little creepy. I don't really speak to many others right now though, not until I have grown big. Are you sure you are not Mother Russia?"

The automated voice rang in my ear. "_Hello, you have reached the Customer Service Hotline for Hetalia Units..." _blah blah, I pressed five for exchanges.

"NO! I'm not a fucking girl! I am the Awesome Prussia!"

"Hmm... so who was the woman I saw when I woke up then?"

I grasped the phone hard as I pressed one for receiving a unit contrary to the one I ordered. "Gilbert if you tell him I'm Mother Russia so help me god I'll..." I muttered under my breath.

"Eh, you can call her Mom. That's what I do, since the bitch still hasn't told me her name yet."

"Oh, so she _is_ Mother Russia?"

"DAMN IT GILBERT!" I screamed, punching three for having activated and interacted with the incorrect unit.

"Why is Mother Russia angry?"

"Kesesesesese..."

"I'm not Mother Russia! Now shut up, I've got to talk to the guy who's going to fix this mess," I snapped, finally poking my head into the front hall again. Prussia was leaning against the wall, and Little Russia seemed to have leapt up enough to hang onto the edge of the crate facing the Prussian, his legs still dangling inside. He turned his head and smiled as I came into the room, holding the phone.

"Oh, hello Mother Russia! May I come out of the box now?" he waved, and losing his grip fell back into the crate making an 'oof' sound as he landed. Prussia broke into hysterical laughter and called the toddler nation something in German that I likely didn't want to understand (nor did I honestly care too much).

"Jesus," I hissed, sending Prussia a glare as the same harassed voice from before sounded in my ear. Once again, I found it a little familiar but couldn't place it. Oh well, like it mattered. I went back to the kitchen as I listened.

"_Hello, this is the returns and exchanges help desk. I understand that you have a Unit that you did not order and it has already been activated and interacted with?_"

"Yeah. I called you two days ago when you sent me Prussia instead of Russia. Kudos on the speedy delivery of the replacement and all, but you fucked up again. Big time."

There was an exasperated sigh on the other end. "_Is this a Chibi Unit that you received, or an altogether different model that looks nothing like what you originally sent out for?_"

"Chibi this time bub and lemme tell you, I'm not happy. Seriously, what the fuck? What kind of service do you run over there? How the hell do you screw up a simple order twice in a row?" I huffed into the receiver. Because seriously, that's just bad business.

"_Well... to be fair, we did ship it rather quickly so... mistakes are made?_"

"I had better be getting some god damn reciprocation for this mess! I could sue you, ya know!" Well... not that I knew exactly how to go about suing someone and Lord knows that seems more of an American tactic but if they kept depriving me of my fully grown, outrageously well-endowed Ivan Braginski they deserved anything I could throw at them, lawyers included!

"_Now hang on a minute, we can fix this! Now if it's a chibi unit... you got Russia right? So, oh. Russia. Little Russia. Erm... well technically we could take him back but uh, first you have to seal him back in the box. And I would do it quick before you start to get too attached._"

"What? Attached? You've got to be kidding; I can shut a little kid into a box!" I snapped, walking into the front hall and set down the phone. Prussia seemed to have heard my outburst on the phone and was somewhat gaping at me as I brushed past him, grabbed the lid and glared down into the box. Little Ivan looked up at me.

"M-Mother Russia?" he whispered, starting to shiver. I hesitated. Oh shit. "What a-are you doing Mother Russia? I-I'm scared of the dark, and it's lonely if I am by myself... please don't..." His pleading look was cast upon me once again. Shit shit shit shit shit...

"SHIT!" I screamed, throwing the box lid at Prussia, who didn't expect it and didn't have time to block it. He immediately let loose a long stream of swear words in both English and German as the crate lid smashed into his face. Great things to be teaching the kid. I snatched the phone back up and marched back to the kitchen.

"_Well?_"

"I... can't."

"_...right. Well that can happen, Little!Russia is one of the more difficult Units to send back._"

"Well can't you just send someone to pack him back up?"

"_No, that's not really our department so... um, we're very sorry about this, but lacking the wrongly delivered unit when it is technically possible for you to return your incorrect delivery, if you want a full grown Ivan Braginski Unit you will have to order (and pay for) another one._"

"... You have one twisted marketing campaign there bub. And what the hell, I can't raise a toddler! My house is filled with porn and I swear all the time, not to mention I have a Prussia Unit and according to the troubleshooting section of the manual he's going to bully Little Ivan into next year!"

"_I suppose I can see where you're coming from. Here, I'm going to speak with my supervisor and get right back to you, deal?"_

"Yeah, sure, whatever," I muttered, turning to glance back into the front hall where Prussia seemed to be stemming off his nose bleed.

"What the fuck did you have to do that for?" Prussia demanded; his eyes bloodshot (well, more so than usual, they were always red).

"Mother Russia is very angry..." a soft but ominous voice came from the crate. The box trembled slightly; I assumed the kid was shaking. Fantastic, he's been in the house less than an hour and I'd already traumatised him. Do I really need to re-iterate that I shouldn't be trusted with children? Hell even my dogs and cats seemed to have fled all the noise and commotion...

Oh wait no; I could see that Coco was now in the kitchen pawing at the cabinet with her cat food. Figures, I hadn't fed her today yet and nothing would stand in the way of her and her food. No wonder she was so pudgy.

"Meeeeeyooooow..." she howled mournfully at me. With a grumble I opened the cupboard, grabbed her food dish and filled it with cat food as I listened to Prussia continue to swear and Little Ivan tremble in the crate... not to mention the hold music on the phone was some Nickleback song I didn't particularly like. A few days ago my life was so peaceful, just me and my adorable pets and all the anime merchandise I wanted, where the hell did that lovely time go?

I had just set the bowl in front of my cat (who started shoving her face in it immediately) when the customer service rep picked up the line again.

"_Hey, I've got good news!_"

"You're going to send me a full sized Ivan Braginski and send some sort of child services person to pick up the small one?" I asked hopefully. Because... well you know.

"HA! Hear that brat? Mother Russia's getting rid of you!" Prussia sniggered from the front hall, having calmed his swearing enough to listen to by phone conversation apparently.

"What? Wh-why would Mother Russia do such a thing? Does she not care about me?" Little Ivan had stopped trembling it seemed, but now I could hear sniffles coming from the box.

"SHUT UP GILBERT!" I roared. I took a couple of deep breaths. "N-no, I'm not getting rid of you sweetie! I'm just... erm..." I trailed off, unsure if the kid was even listening or not, I couldn't see into the crate from here.

"_Er..._"

"Uh, sorry go on," I muttered into the phone.

"_Well, if you're not going to shut him back in the box for shipping we can't send a full grown Ivan Braginski. You'll have to fill out another order form for that. However, because you do not believe yourself capable of taking care of a child unit, my supervisor has given the go ahead to send you a Unit that features child rearing capabilities!_"

"The hell... I don't want another Unit if it isn't Ivan Braginski!"

"_Well... it would be free. How about I list the options available?_"

"Free? Er... well I suppose... yeah. Go ahead, what've you got?" If nothing else, maybe I could get one that would offer more pairing options for Ivan or Gilbert, and having someone else take care of Little Ivan could only be a good idea.

"_Alright. Oh, and so you're aware all these options are only Hetalia Units. If you in the future decide you want a different Unit to take care of children, Unit Co offers a wide selection of different animated character Units that can be viewed on our company website that-_"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll check it out, what are my options for a freebie then?"

"Freebie? What, they're sending another one?" I jumped, the voice coming from so close behind me. I spun and was within a ruler's length of Prussia, who was apparently trying to hear both parts of the conversation now.

"Go back and watch Ivan!" I snapped, holding the phone away and sending Prussia a glare.

"Not till I find out who you're getting sent this time!"

"_Er..._"

"Sorry, go on..." I muttered into the phone, still giving Prussia my darkest look. He looked pissed, but still didn't leave. Goddamn fuck of a Prussian when my full grown Ivan got here (which he most certainly would, I would be off to order him again as soon as I hung up) I would personally lock him in a room with the guy until he was so firmly lodged into "frightened" mode that no amount of therapy would ever cure him!

"_Yes well... the Units for Hetalia we have with child care functions are Yong-Soo Im, Yao Wang, Feliciano Vargas, and Vash Zwingli. Do any of these Units interest you?_"

I searched my brain for the nation equivalents of those names. Though I loved Hetalia to death, those names were only used in Fan fiction so I was limited to what Fan fiction I liked to read.

"Okay, that's China, Italy... Vash is... Sweden? No, Switzerland. Who was Yong-Soo again?"

"South Korea, and don't fucking get him, get Italy!" Prussia gave an extremely perverted grin.

"What about Corey?"

"Oh... oh right. He said he'd call me today..." Prussia looked a little uncertain.

I disregarded this and spoke into the phone again. "South Korea? Yeah, no, I don't want to be groped anymore thanks," I scowled. No more groping unless it was Russia of course. Then he could grope me all he wants. "And... I don't know, Italy? Child care? _Really?_"

"_Yes, I know he doesn't quite seem the type but he loves kids!_"

"Yes, but loving kids and taking care of them are pretty different... plus I think Italy's afraid of Russia so... huh. Switzerland? I'm pretty sure he won't be happy with Canada's gun control laws."

"_So Yao Wang then?_"

"I suppose so... hey, that could work out well when I get my full grown Ivan, right?" I grinned.

"Yeah... and hey, it could even distract him from the awesome me! Not that anyone could get distracted from the awesome me but... definitely get that one!"

"Shut _up_," I hissed at Prussia before speaking into the phone again, "But yeah... okay fine. China then. Super."

"_Alright, seeing as you seem desperate, I'll have them ship your babysitter Unit ASAP. I hope you will continue your business with us in the future, could I have your shipping information?_"

With a sigh I relayed this over the phone and hung up. I frowned at Prussia, who was giving me a look with raised eyebrows.

"What?" I asked after a moment of staring each other down.

"Nothing," Prussia shrugged. "So where's the stupid brat sleeping? Cause it's not my room, I am WAY too awesome to share a room."

"_Obviously_ I wouldn't-" I was cut off by the phone in my hand ringing. I jumped a little at the sound, I heard it very rarely. I typically did the calling. I held up a finger to indicate that Prussia should hold that thought while I answered. "Um, hello?"

"_Yeah, uh, hi! It's Corey... is Gilbert around?_"

"Unfortunately," I grumbled and handed the phone to a suddenly delighted Prussia. He practically giggled as he grabbed the phone and ran off for his basement, babbling incoherently on the way. Was that in character for Prussia? I really couldn't tell anymore. I sighed and walked into the front hall, glancing into the crate.

Little Ivan wasn't there.

"FUCK!" I shouted. This was just too much, how was I supposed to live my cushy life with this sort of crap going on? I can't handle this. It had been way too long since I had constant interaction with other people... Units... clones... anyone... so to suddenly be thrown into this was just overwhelming. I circled the crate. No Ivan. I checked the closet. No Ivan. I went to the kitchen (even though I had just been there) and checked around. No Ivan. No Ivan in the living room. I ran upstairs. No Ivan. I checked the downstairs bathroom. No Ivan.

One room left. Oh god, it would be, wouldn't it? I, for the first time, turned my head and forced myself to look at my bedroom door. It was open a crack. I winced and moved toward it, pushing it open. Little Ivan was standing dead center in the room, eyes fixated upward. At his feet, Coco was brushing up against him as his fingers absently scratched at her head.

"Um... Ivan? You, er... you okay?" Damn! I just kept traumatizing this kid over and over...

Little Ivan's gaze from the ceiling broke suddenly and he looked at me with a wide smile on his face.

"Those men on the ceiling must be very good friends, they hug each other very close! When I get big, I can have friends like those, yes?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. When he gets big, yeah, I would want... well not _this_ Ivan specifically but the big version of him yes I... no I had to wipe that perverted grin off my face! Okay good, um...

"Y-you can have friends now Ivan, don't be silly!" W-wait what the hell was I saying? "Er, not friends like _those_ specifically because... because uh..." Little Ivan looked confused, maybe slightly hurt too? Oh fuck oh fuck, I AM NOT GOOD WITH CHILDREN. "H-hey, you can't just go walking into people's rooms, its fucking private!" I stopped dead. "Uh, and swearing is bad! I can do it because I'm a legal adult, so don't you start!" Uh, did I dodge a bullet? I haven't a clue... "S-so, erm..."

"Oh, I am sorry for trespassing in your room Mother Russia!" Little Ivan bowed his head and quickly scampered from the room so fast that Coco startled and bolted away herself, tearing up threads in my carpet as she did so. Damn it. Well, it wasn't as if there wasn't stains from pops and tomato sauces past on there anyway.

Oh shoot, Ivan just ran off again, didn't he?

"Ivan? HEY IVAN! Get back here!" I demanded, leaving my room and firmly shutting the door behind me. The sooner my lock arrived the better... what was taking it so long?

"D-da?" Ivan reappeared around corner of the doorway to the kitchen. He was trembling again.

"Ah, er, i-it's okay, I'm not really that mad it's just... my room is off limits, got it?" I said sternly. He nodded. "G-good. Now uh, I guess you can have Russia's room since, well you _are_ Russia and I don't want to clean out a new room right now so..." I walked toward Little Russia as I spoke, carefully holding out my hand. He watched me carefully as I approached, finally darting forward and grabbing my hand. He smiled up at me.

"Da, okay!"

Gah... too cute... I felt my face heat up in embarrassment. "Right. So. Room. Let's go there." Walking at half my usual speed so Little Russia's toddler sized legs could keep up, I walked through my kitchen, into the front hall and up the stairs to the second floor. Bypassing the room too full of stuff to think about, I noticed my two dogs cowering at the end of the hallway. Suddenly both of them began barking loudly.

"Hey, shut up! SHUT UP YOU GUYS!" I snapped, but my dogs continued to growl and wouldn't come near me or Little Russia. To my surprise, Little Russia did not seem in the least concerned by this.

"Oh, you have very cute doggies!" he laughed, squeezing my hand lightly. I felt my eyebrow rise.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, they aren't usually this unfriendly. Guess they just aren't used to kids, Lord knows I'm not." I shook my head and opened the door to Ivan's room. It still seemed kind of barren. There wasn't even a bed, just dozens of sunflowers lying everywhere, matching the bright yellow walls. "Sorry for the lack of furniture in here by the way, I ordered a bed and I suppose I'll have to order a dresser and... damn you're going to need extra clothes too. The view from the window's a bit bleak but in the summer it faces the forest and backyard so... anyway I guess we're going to have to set you up on the couch tonight or something."

I looked down, but Little Ivan did not appear to be listening. His eyes almost shone as they danced from one vase of flowers to the next. Then without warning his hand was yanked from mine and he was suddenly crushing my legs in a hug reminiscent of a vice grip.

"AH!" I shrieked as I fell off balance and crash over on my side. As I lay in a daze, Little Russia moved up my body and curled into my side, throwing his arm around me and giggling like crazy.

"Spаsèbо! Spаsèbо! Thank you! Thank you!" Little Russia squealed happily and dug his fingers tightly into my regrettably generous love handle. I'm only going phonetically here. I assume he was saying thank you in Russian. Lord knows I could be remembering it wrong too, so probably best to ignore it if I'm wrong.

"Hurting, HURTING!" I groaned, pulling back his hand. Luckily he wasn't nearly as strong as his full grown counterpart would be. He had a grip like a bitch though, damn... that might actually bruise later. "Well I'm glad you're happy but... well yeah." I sighed, managing to sit up as Ivan hurried to touch the sunflower petals with his bare hands. No gloves. Huh. Oh right, I remembered that one episode of Hetalia World Series with Little Russia and Little Lithuania meeting for the first time. He hadn't had gloves then either, I remember commenting on the video on Youtube (that happened back in high school didn't it? Huh, old memory...) that I thought his hands looked frost bitten. Well, they seemed alright now, but I would probably have to find him some gloves if he was going to go outside. He was going to need more new clothes actually now that I thought about it- the stuff in the crate was all for a fully grown Russia. I would also probably need to find Prussia a couple of outfits too... damn this Unit deal was getting expensive! Well, Wal-Mart carried cheapish clothes so maybe that was fine... oh crap, did that mean I had to drive back down there today? That was so not fair, I don't even know where to start ranting.

"Mother Russia? You look angry again..." I startled out of my thoughts and looked at Little Russia, who was trembling again.

"Ah, look, I'm not Mother Russia. Really. If there is a Mother Russia at all she's not around here, so... so yeah," I decided that we had best clear this up now, the last thing I wanted was people at Wal-Mart thinking I was his mom while I was screaming at Gilbert to quit groping everything that moved... I didn't think for a minute that he would stop because he had Corey asking him on a date.

"Oh," Little Ivan's head drooped downward, and his next words were spoken to the floor. "I guess I might have known as much but... do you think I could maybe... call you that anyway?"

"What? Uh, no, no I don't think that's a good idea," I said with a frown, worry lines growing on my forehead.

"Oh but, it would make me feel better, less lonely..." he looked up again, his adorable, pleading eyes staring directly into mine. Oh god oh no oh shit...

"I- well I- Y-you see- Well people will assume... that... well..." I trailed off. The pleading expression was growing sadder and more pitiful by the second. Well maybe... maybe it would be okay... as long as he knew I wasn't... and since he was about six people wouldn't think I'd had a baby too young or something so... "Um... well sure I guess that's alright." Why was I instantly regretting this?

"Yay! I love you Mother Russia!" Little Ivan leapt at my chest and hugged me tightly around the neck. After some hesitation I awkwardly wrapped my arms around him as well, my regret fading a bit. Were all children this cute, or was it just because he was a genetically modified clone of an anime character? Yeah, that likely had something to do with it. So cute though... and damn it if I didn't love cute things almost as much as I did sexy and perverted things. Maybe this would be okay. Maybe I could handle this, after China arrived to take care of all the hard stuff like feeding him and making sure he brushed his teeth of course. I tightened my hug on the little nation, noticing for the first time that I was starting to smile. This was nice. This was quite nice indeed.

Then suddenly Bandit came barrelling into the room, snarling like mad and charged at myself and the young boy I was cuddling. Before I could blink he had bitten straight down on Ivan's leg.

"OUCH!" Ivan screamed, kicking out and looking horrified. I shrieked as well, slamming down a hard open handed blow on my dog. He let out a loud bark and whine, cowering backwards as I stood up and grabbed him. He struggled in my arms, snapping again but I managed to lock a fist over his muzzle. I carried him across the hall to the bathroom where I shoved him inside and slammed the door shut.

"AND YOU CAN STAY THERE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY UNTIL YOU CAN BEHAVE YOURSELF!" I yelled through the door, even though I knew he wouldn't understand me. Hopefully after being stuck there a while he would get the message that biting children was unacceptable though (hell, even I knew that much).

Inside his new room, I could hear some quite sniffling and hiccups. I slowly approached the toddler, who was cradling his injured leg. When he saw me though, to my surprise he actually smiled a bit.

"Your dog is very strong! I wish to get to know him better; he could be a good friend when I am powerful!"

"Strong huh?" I laughed a little uncertainly, still confused over his behaviour. Six year olds typically didn't act so calm after a dog digs their teeth into them and certainly didn't want to be friends with the dog afterwards. Then again... was he six? Well, if he were the actual Russia from Hetalia he wouldn't be, he'd probably be at least a few to several hundred years old but being a clone he likely was about the age he looked. The genetic modifications though... arg, what the hell this all amounted to I had no idea. What I _did_ know however was that the kid was bleeding, and needed some disinfectant. Luckily I had that handy.

"Well, come here then," I sighed, digging my hands under Little Ivan's armpits and lifting him up against me. If he got blood on my shirt, that was just too bad I supposed. Any sniffles that remained quieted as I lifted him; he seemed just as surprised by my response as I was at his. I carried him from the room and awkwardly down the stairs (it was hard because I was going sideways to make sure I could see the steps as I wasn't really able to grab the railing, I was actually kind of terrified I would fall.) eventually making it to the downstairs bathroom where I kept my bandages and other first aid articles.

When Prussia arrived I'd had to bandage both Dudley and Gilbird. Now I was bandaging Little Russia. Was this going to become some kind of tradition? Yikes. Anyway, I carefully cleaned Ivan's wound with warm water and soap. He winced a little, but didn't make any sound as I in turn wordlessly began banding up the bite marks on his leg. Now that I was thinking of Gilbird, I recalled that when Prussia had brought him to Wal-Mart the day before he had been missing his bandages. He was healed already then, I wondered if I should remove Dudley's now...

"Thank you Mother Russia," Little Ivan said softly as I began putting away the first aid stuff. I looked at him with a small smirk.

"Well hey; it was my dogs that bit you, so don't worry about it."

"Okay!" he said happily jumping down from the toilet seat where I'd sat him. He grimaced a little as he walked with his injured leg, but seemed more or less alright and we walked out and into the kitchen just in time for the basement door to burst open.

"HEY MOM! COREY WANTS TO GO- oh," he saw me standing in front of him, covering my ears at his unnecessarily loud shouting.

"And what did you need to deafen me for? Corey wants what?" I snapped, glaring at the albino as he shifted giddily from foot to foot.

"Corey wants to go out tonight! I need you to drive me to get something to wear; all I've got is this and a military uniform! He said I could meet him at the liquor store too. Heh heh, I guess my five meters were too awesome for him to resist any longer..."

"Tonight? Awe fuck... well I guess I have to go get some clothes for Ivan too," I sighed and walked to the front hall to peer out the window. The driveway was covered in snow again. Naturally. I groaned and wrenched open the closet to find my boots. Why were the gods so against me relaxing all of a sudden? They were turning into downright jerks, and all after blessing me for so long! It wasn't fair.

At any rate, I got my boots and coat on. I had a lot of shovelling to do and Prussia had better well watch Ivan while I was doing it!

After about half an hour I had managed to shovel and snow blow my way into a clear driveway. At least by this point it was snowing only very lightly, so it might now be completely covered when I got back. I pulled my Ford Taurus out onto the driveway and closed the garage door before heading inside to check on my reluctantly received Units. When I found them, I couldn't help but gape.

"I- what- you- GILBERT! _What is Ivan doing in the microwave_? Let him out!"

"Help, Mother Russia!" Little Ivan sobbed from his prison. Gilbert seemed to have shut him inside and looked like he was threatening to press the power button.

"I wasn't really going to cook you, idiot!" Prussia grinned, pressing the button to release the door, "You're too un-awesome to eat."

"Gilbert, I swear to god..." I went to the microwave and pulled Ivan out. "Why the hell would you do that? Asshole!" I snapped, checking Ivan over. Except for his leg (obviously) he seemed more or less unharmed. He wrapped his small arms around my neck and I could feel his trembling rather easily.

"Look, the kid had it coming! He told me to make him something to eat- like I was his fucking servant or something! So I went to _make him something to eat_, play on words right? I can't help it if he's too un-awesome to take a joke made by the Awesome Me!"

Little Ivan was still sobbing into my shoulder and I sent my best death glare at the albino Prussian. "If you ever do that again, I'm going to shove Gilbird in there next. Got it?"

Prussia's eyes brightened and he gave me a deadly look. "Stop. Threatening. Gilbird."

We glared at each other for a while longer, and I noticed Ivan's trembling increased. I held him tighter. Finally Gilbert seemed to give in to annoyance and changed his stance from warpath to irritation.

"So the driveway's clear right? Are we going into town or not?"

"Yeah, we're going. Come on Ivan, I don't have a child's seat so you're going to have to duck if you see any cop cars, alright?" I said as I carried the six year old back to the front hall. Prussia followed, albeit with some reluctance. Clearly he was still angry at my, to quote what was likely going through his head, 'un-awesome' behaviour. I waited as Prussia grabbed his shoes and pulled on the coat I'd assigned him on our last outing. With a brief nod, I sent him out the door with Ivan toddling along on the ground behind them. It only took a minute to set the alarm and lock the door. I walked out to the driveway. Prussia stood by the car, grinning widely.

"... where's Ivan?" I asked flatly, my eyes narrowed.

"Mother Russia!" I heard a muffled cry from the snow bank behind the car. I looked to see a pair of boots kicking in the air, the rest buried in snow.

"GILBERT! What the fuck, I can't even leave you alone for a fucking minute without... FUCK!" I yelled, grabbing at the boots and pulling the sputtering child free. His face was flushed from the blood having rushed to his head and as I flipped him upright and set him back on the ground I noted his shivering had only increased, likely from cold this time.

"Hey, he was the one being all un-awesome and complaining about the cold, I was only showing him the awesomeness of snow!"

I was going to kill that man-unit-thing. Very soon. It would be bloody.

"Just get in the damn car," I muttered, taking Ivan to the back door of the vehicle and setting him inside, buckling him in. I made sure the shoulder strap was behind so he wouldn't choke himself before shutting the door and getting into the driver's seat.

I glanced at Prussia and noticed something. "Not bringing Gilbird this time?"

"Nah, it's kind of awkward having sex with him around," Prussia shrugged.

"... right," I said, starting up the car.

"What the fuck is sex?" Little Ivan asked hesitantly from the back seat.

"AH! Ivan, fuck is a swear word, don't say that!" I said quickly.

"Oh, sorry Mother Russia."

"... right," I sighed, pulling out of the driveway and heading down the road, passing the trees on either side.

"Oh, so you _are_ Mother Russia now?" Prussia asked with a smirk.

"Shut the fuck up," I muttered.

"... so what is sex?" Ivan asked again.

Somehow, I could tell that this was going to be a long and awkward twenty minutes.

"Um, sex is... erm... well when a man and a woman love each other... or two men sometimes, or two girls I guess, or um... two people. Yeah, so when two people love each other and... they have to be adults!" Why was I having this conversation with a six year old? "Sex is for adults! You can't know about it until then, sorry!"

"Oh, but, I won't tell that you told me, I promise!" Ivan pleaded. I kept my eyes firmly away from the rear view mirror so I couldn't see his expression. If I couldn't see it, perhaps I would be immune to his hypnotising cuteness.

"Sex is when you shove your penis into an ass or vagina," Prussia said with another smirk in my direction. I gave him a horrified look back.

"GILBERT! What the hell, children are supposed to be innocent of that or something!"

"Oh, that doesn't sound so bad. Perhaps I will try it sometime!" Ivan piped in happily.

"NO! N-not until you're an adult!" I stammered quickly, passing the farmer's field on the right. Why oh why was this conversation happening? The gods hated me, it was the only explanation. Why I didn't know, but thus far I had pretty much assured Little Ivan the most messed up childhood ever, and all within a couple of hours! He's seen gay porn, been shoved in both the snow and a microwave, had a dog bite his leg, not to mention learned what sex is and said his first swear word. They had better send China soon, because if they didn't I was starting to think it was entirely possible the kid could be dead before the end of next week.

After that, I tried my best to divert the topic to something, anything else. I finally settled on asking if they wanted to get some McDonalds while we were at Wal-Mart, since we hadn't eaten today. Well, Prussia might've, I didn't know, but I sure as hell hadn't.

"What is McDonalds?" Little Ivan asked.

"Disgusting, greasy, and un-awesome," Prussia snorted, "They don't even have bier to wash is down."

"Alright Gilbert, where do you suggest we get food then?" I asked in irritation as we began to pass a few houses. There were many more cars on the road today than there were yesterday. Well, it was kind of later in the day on a Friday, so maybe that made sense. It was actually pretty busy. That meant the lines in Wal-Mart would be longer, the parking lot more crowded and Prussia would likely be groping far more people than is considered excusable by society, even for the mentally unstable. Again, the gods hate me, no idea why this is coming on all of a sudden.

I found a parking spot with difficulty, as I suspected. We were far from the front doors when I pulled in and got out of the car. I went to the back and got Ivan out of his seat (he seemed to have some trouble with the buckle). Holding his hand tightly, I walked around toward Prussia and grabbed his upper arm tightly as well.

"OW! What the hell?" Prussia growled, trying to pry off my fingers with his other hand.

"No groping when we go in there. At all."

"No... what? Awe, but that's so unfair! You're no fun at all!" Prussia pouted, yanking his arm out of my hand at last and crossing his arms defiantly.

"I'm serious. If you do I'm going to tell Corey and good luck getting him to sleep with you then."

"Why would he want to sleep with Prussia?" Little Ivan asked wide eyed.

"Uh..." I tightened my grip on Ivan's hand and flashed the six year old a slightly-too-wide smile, "Let's go into Wal-Mart and find you guys some clothes eh?" I giggled, noticing that my tiny Canadian accent had snuck into my speech right there. I always laughed when I noticed that, and I had no idea why.

We walked through the front doors and saw the greeter from the day before. She appeared to remember us as her smile momentarily dropped when she saw Gilbert and her hands immediately darted up to guard her breasts.

_'Good idea,'_ I thought with a small, exasperated smile as I tugged my white haired Units into the store and toward the clothing section. Over the next half hour, I was forced to listen to Prussia complain over the poor quality of the clothes and moan and grumble when I told him it was here or nowhere since there wasn't much in the way of clothing stores in this town. Finally he consented to legitimately look for a few new outfits while I looked into the children's clothing section for stuff for Ivan. He was happy to receive a set of soft yellow footie pyjamas (they looked pretty warm), a pair of white gloves that matched his scarf, and though he wasn't exactly happy he didn't object to me choosing a few pairs of dark pants and a few shirts in varying colours for him. I also grabbed a dark red sweater with a white diamond pattern on it that looked especially cute on him.

I had been separated from Prussia while I looked for clothes for Ivan. I probably shouldn't be surprised that I heard a hysterical scream coming from the men's clothing department...

"Great, just great, what's he gone and done now?" I muttered darkly, taking Ivan's hand in my own, holding the hangers with various articles of children's clothing in my other hand.

I marched to the men's clothing, but Prussia was nowhere in sight. Odd. I saw a pair of legs sticking out from beneath a clothing rack and pushed aside the trousers to find a man lying on the ground in a daze.

"Erm... are you okay?" I asked, debating if I ought to get help for him or just cover him back up again. If I got help I'd likely have to stick around longer and answer questions and I was about done with the crowd in here. There were people wherever you looked and it was so noisy...

Luckily my internal debate seemed unnecessary as the guy (presumably an employee judging by the blue vest) managed to sit up and manage to shake his glazed expression. "S-some albino guy came up, grabbed my crotch, clubbed me over the head and stole the bear costume I was taking out of the Halloween department... what the fuck..."

"Damn it Gilbert..." I grumbled.

"Um, maybe we should leave without him?" Little Ivan suggested. I looked down at him.

"Uh, yeah let's check out. We can wait at McDonalds for the police to escort him out I suppose." How I was going to explain why they should release him into my custody was anybody's guess.

We managed to work our way out of the clothing department and hurried into the lineup that looked the shortest. It was while we were waiting there, distracted by Ivan looking at the many chocolate bars gracing the shelves, that Prussia snuck up behind us in a full realistic looking bear costume and grabbed Ivan's shoulders, letting out the loudest roar he could possibly make.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Little Ivan's scream seemed to carry on and on and he grabbed my leg, digging his fingers in with the same bruising vice grip as before. I winced hard, feeling tears spring to my eyes, but I didn't let them fall. Goddamn Prussia. Goddamn Ivan. Goddamn company sending me the wrong units. Goddamn gods for hating me.

Oh yeah, that's my situation right now and let me tell you, I am not happy. Not happy at all.

"GILBERT, TAKE OFF THAT COSTUME NOW!" I roar, raising a fist and preparing to hit him with all the force I can muster.

"Gott, I was just having fun... you're so un-awesome Mom..." Prussia mutters, pulling off the bear mask at any rate.

"I'm not your mom, and thank god for that," I say, eyes narrowed, "Now where're the clothes you picked out?"

"Here," Prussia unzips the costume to show some rumpled clothes pressed next to his body. I pull them out and try my very best to ignore all the stares we're attracting. Damn it's hard.

"Now go return that costume to that guy you jacked it from and meet us at McDonalds. If you grope him again I'll know. Then you can change into whatever you picked for your date and I'll drop you off at the liquor store. Is that _awesome_ enough for you?"

Prussia only snorts before he turns on his heel and heads back to men's clothing. I will assume he will do as I instructed only because I do not have enough patience left to consider anything else right now.

I turn and notice that the line had moved while I was talking with Prussia. I sigh and place the clothes on the conveyer belt thing, grimacing as the purchases are rung up. Ouch, even at Wal-Mart that was a bite out of the old manga budget. It would be much worse when I ordered Russia again; I should hurry and finish Heart of Darkness so I could get some more royalties coming in. And maybe force Prussia to get a job too, that ought to help.

"Hey, um," I look up and notice that the cashier, a timid looking girl in her late teens with long strawberry blond hair and bright green eyes, was addressing me.

"Yeah?" I ask, a little confused. Normally the only conversation that came from cashiers I spoke to was limited to 'Hello', 'How are you?', 'Would you like a bag?', and 'Have a nice day/night'.

"Um, that guy who was just here, was that, you know, Prussia?" her voice had suddenly dropped and I wondered why.

"Oh, um, yeah, he's one of those Unit things. I actually ordered a Russia Unit but they sent the wrong one, so I got to keep him as a freebie. Still trying to get Russia though..." I grumble.

"Wow! Uh, this is actually the first time I've met anyone else with one of those things, I thought I was the only one! I mean, I thought maybe they were some other world thing that... well cause I never... so people _can_ actually order those things for real?" the cashier is blinking slowly. It's actually quite creepy.

"Uh, yeah. It's expensive but... I'm sorry, why are we having this conversation again?" I ask in irritation. Honestly, I just wanted to get some greasy food and go home, I didn't want to have to talk to this blond bimbo stammering around like she was.

"Oh! Well, it's just that I clicked a pop up ad online and got sent a Switzerland Unit about six months ago. I thought maybe I got some sort of magical miracle but I guess it _was_ just a normal ad... still though," she shakes her head and I sigh heavily.

"So are we done? Can I pay now?" I ask.

"Oh! Oh yeah sure!" she nods hurriedly and I pull out my VISA. Within moments I'm done and pulling a quiet Ivan over to the McDonalds. I order him up a Happy Meal while I get myself a Big Mac, a large fries and a medium Diet Coke (because you know, I've decided I should really be cutting down on the junk intake, am I right?).

"Um, Mother Russia, are you sure that this is edible?" Little Ivan asks, poking at his small hamburger experimentally. He looks at me with wide eyes. So cute.

Okay, so maybe the gods are against me, but at least they were trying to kill me with cuteness. Not the worst way to go.

"Well... if you don't like it we'll go see if we can find some carrot sticks or whatever it is you want to eat, does that sound good?"

"Okay!" Ivan giggles, and I can't help but giggle as well. Damn he is cute. I look up to see Prussia heading toward us, a grin on his face that I don't like in the least but for now I don't care. At the moment I'm feeling pretty good, what with the McDonalds sugar rush kicking in and all.

I know the good feeling isn't going to last, but what the hell. I take a long leisurely slurp of my Diet Coke and happily prepare myself for whatever idiocy Prussia would be spraying at me this time.

"So Mom, can you get me some condoms for Christmas?"

Okay, and now the Coke is coming straight out my nose and I'm choking. Thanks gods, thanks a lot. (Sarcasm hand raised).

_((Joyful Note: Okay, closer to length of the first part now, a bit longer... I don't even know guys. Consider this like... the second part of the last part. I don't know. I just don't. I'm tired and it's 1:30 in the morning and WHY AM I TYPING SO EARLY I DONT EVEN. So yeah. Arg... so China appears next chapter, and Prussia goes on his date. Look forward to it. I'm going to bed. Yaaaaaay.))_


	4. All Right I'll ReOrder!

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 4: Fine I'll Re-Order, But You'd Better Get It Right This Time or So Help Me God...!**

My life is spiralling into chaos. I mean it was never absolutely perfect, and I suppose it was never normal per say, but it was at least a peaceful, predictable existence and now that was all going to pot. I am not happy about this. I've got a crazy Chinese guy with a pony tail having a duel to the death with an equally crazy albino Prussian in my living room while a miniature Russian is dropping strawberry Pop Tart crumbs on my rug. My dogs are barking up a storm, my tabby cat is nowhere to be seen while my fat calico cat is meowing loudly at her food dish (nothing fazes her when she's hungry, honestly), and I am trying to hold my sanity together as I try to explain to my mother on the phone why I can't join my family for the holidays again this year. For once I have a good reason and yet I don't think I can explain this properly...

Of course, naturally, you are all eager to find out how my life got to this point from the last time you checked in. As per usual I shall explain; if only to regain a bit of routine back into my life. Because seriously, this is just fucking out of control and I need a break. God I'm so tired I could start hallucinating at this point. Not that I would likely notice I was hallucinating since things are already so unbelievably bizarre in my house now anyway... bah.

So back in the McDonalds eating area at Wal-Mart, after Prussia's request for a... a 'special' Christmas present and I finished gasping for breath around the Coke that was running through my windpipe, I managed to inform him that if he wanted condoms, he was buying them himself.

"But I don't have any money!"

"Then get a job!"

"I'm too awesome for a job!"

"But you're not too awesome for a kick to the crotch are you?"

"... yes I am."

"Um, Mother Russia? I don't think I can eat these potato wedges, they are really too salty..."

I turned to look at the small boy beside me, who had set his burger aside and was licking the top of a fry with his tongue. His eyes turned to meet mine. I shrugged and pushed the little cup of ketchup towards him.

"Try dipping it in there, it usually helps. And anyway," I turned back to Prussia, "I wasn't really planning on buying Christmas gifts anyway. I think I just bought you new clothes; yesterday I got you alcohol. That should be good enough I think. If you want more you'll have to get funds yourself."

Prussia rolled his eyes. "Phht whatever. So can we go now? I _do_ have an awesome date to go on," he flashed a grin. I sighed and gave him an exasperated look.

"You know the liquor store's right across the street. You could walk there."

"I have to change first!" Prussia huffed, crossing his arms firmly. I made a 'tsk' sound and wordlessly held up the bags of clothes.

"Bring back the rest when you're done, just shove what you're wearing now into one of the bags."

"Duh, I know _that_," Prussia scoffed, snatching the bags from my hand and heading directly for the men's washroom. Okay, so that should be taken care of at least. I glanced back at Little Ivan who seemed to be eating his fries alright now that he had discovered the wonders of ketchup. Well, he was a small child. If he was full grown Ivan he probably wouldn't have been won over so easily by the tomato-y goodness of ketchup.

"How much longer do you think that's going to take you?" I asked him, gesturing to his meal after I'd finished off the last of mine. I was always something of a quick eater.

Little Ivan shrugged and continued to shovel ketchup coated fries into his mouth; when Prussia came back and handed me the clothing bags with his usual outfit jammed in on top of the rest of the clothes Ivan was still finishing off the last few of them. Prussia was wearing a surprisingly good looking tight black t-shirt and skinny jeans... _skinny jeans_? Huh.

"Skinny jeans, really?" I said with a cocked eyebrow, looking the Prussian up and down.

"What's wrong with that? Skinny jeans are awesome!" Prussia sounded defensive. Interesting.

"They're... very gay looking. Not that I find anything _wrong_ with that. In fact, they look quite sexy I just... I didn't expect it," I shrugged dismissively.

"Ja, well, i-it looks good right?" His expression was suddenly uncertain and he was tugging at the shirt hem.

"Is the Great Prussia really going to work himself up over his appearance? You're a fucking- er," I glanced at Ivan but decided he'd heard it enough times already today that it probably didn't matter at this point, "You're a fucking anime character come to life! You're too pretty to exist and would easily overwhelm Corey with sexiness if you wore a paper bag!"

Prussia snorted. "Obviously, I'm too awesome to worry about my appearance! I just... is it too much bitch, not enough butch? Cause I am not letting Corey top me and I don't want him thinking he can..."

I frowned at that. "Erm... well the pants do seem rather uke-oriented. But with that shirt and... well you're both taller and more masculine looking than Corey anyway. As long as you act as the seme and be assertive as per usual you should be fine. I think. I mean, I've read plenty of yaoi manga, watched romance anime and I would say that would seem the case but... well I'm not..." I trailed off there, looking uncertain.

"You're not what?" Prussia looked annoyed. Good for him.

"I just realised I have absolutely no idea if anything I learned in fan fiction, anime or anything else fiction related has anything to do with real life at all," I said dully, staring at nothing in particular. It was a strange thing to realise. Or rather, to have hit me. I guess it was always a question under the surface, but faced with an actual person-unit-thing asking me a question regarding a relationship with another human being it occurs to me that I had no clue if the real world operated in any way similar to the fictional realm I tended to exist within.

"... so... I can wear the pants then?" Prussia asked after a moment's awkward silence.

"Huh? Oh yeah, sure, whatever," I mumbled, still staring at nothing. I felt a tug on my shirt and looked down to see Little Ivan, his lips and fingers coated with ketchup. He might've just killed some small animal and eaten it alive from the look of him- his proud grin wasn't doing much to lessen the effect. Maybe that's why he took to ketchup so well...

"I'm finished! We can go now, da Mother Russia?" he asked, eyes shining. I glanced down at my shirt wear he had been grabbing. A ketchup stain was just visible on the black fabric of my old 'No Kangaroos in Austria' t-shirt that I had gotten on my single trip to Europe back in the summer between grades eleven and twelve and it still fit to this day! Though granted it used to be roomier... heh heh McDonalds. Well, at least the fabric was black so the stain wouldn't show too much. I grabbed a napkin and dabbed it off myself before turning to Little Ivan.

"Just hang on a second, clean yourself off first," I snickered at his confused expression and handed him a clean napkin. "You look like you just killed something."

Little Ivan stared at me for a moment before taking the napkin and smiling. "You are so funny Mother Russia!" He proceeded to rub his face into the napkin, which didn't seem to do more than spread the ketchup around more.

"Hey, you're doing it wrong! Don't you know how to clean yourself off yet?" I groaned, taking the napkin out of his hands. He looked apologetic at any rate.

"I'm sorry Mother Russia..."

"Yeah, yeah it's fine, um..." I looked from him to the napkins and back again, trying to figure out how to explain the finer points of cleaning ketchup from your skin.

"Hey Mom..."

"Not your mom... what?" I asked Prussia, who had taken a seat across from myself and Ivan and was currently balancing his chin in his hands.

"Why don't you just clean him off yourself?"

I stared at Prussia now, down to the napkin, then back to Ivan, then to Prussia again.

"Uh..." I giggled a tiny bit, "Right, could do that. Heh heh heh..." God I was being a dumbass. I blame exhaustion! I grabbed a clean napkin and wiped it across Ivan's mouth, catching the biggest globs of the red stuff. Brownish smears still graced his features when I pulled away however and got another napkin. I tried again to wipe it off but it wasn't coming, it had dried.

"You have to spit on it too, stupid," Prussia scoffed. I sent him a glare.

"I knew that!" I snarled before horking up a wad of spit and wetting the napkin with it, attacking Ivan's face again. The small boy giggled as I finished clearing off his face and moved to his fingers. Once he had stopped looking like a beast after a hunt, I put all the trash on the McDonalds tray and dumped it in the garbage before returning to the table.

"So you can drop me off at the liquor store now, ja?" Prussia asked, looking amused for some reason, his cheek leaning on his palm now, propped up on the table.

"Yeah, yeah," I waved my hand dismissively, though in all seriousness he could just walk... "Come on Ivy, let's go." I took the kid's hand. He looked at me strangely.

"Ivy?" he asked.

"Yeah- oh right, that's not your official pet name is it? Sorry, let's go Vanya," my lips quirked up into a smile as I called him this, and my smile was mirrored by Little Ivan. What can I say, it was a cute little name and the fact that I got to use it was so bizarre and awesome, how could I not smile? Because, well, it had occurred to me in that instant that _holy shit I am at Wal-Mart with anime characters_. I mean, fuck all if it was Prussia and miniature Ivan Braginski as opposed to the full grown sex god, this was the most awesome thing to ever happen to anyone! Plus the post-McDonalds food buzz was a help in keeping my mood up for the next while as well, which was nice.

We strolled out of McDonalds. After I had run back to grab the clothing bags I'd forgotten (to Prussia's smug laughter... dick, he forgot about them too!), we left Wal-Mart as well and made our way to the car. I looked at the liquor store standing perhaps sixty metres away and in full view across the small street. Oh well, I had to drive past it anyway.

"Oh wait... I was going to get a kid's seat when I was in Wal-Mart..." I muttered to myself, unheard by the white haired units. Now at this point I could've rushed back inside and found a child's car seat, but that was all the way back in the sweaty crowded store and... oh to hell with it, if I met a cop I can pay the fine and buy a seat later! Brushing the thought aside, I helped Little Ivan buckle into the back seat again and climbed in the front, Prussia already eagerly in shotgun. He actually looked a bit nervous. It was strange... but kind of endearing. Huh.

As I started the car and began driving across the parking lot (stopping frequently as pedestrians and other cars kept jumping out in front of me. Do people never _look_?) I decided to interrogate Prussia a little about this alleged 'date'.

"So it's what, about three in the afternoon? How late are you going to be?" I asked casually before hissing a curse at a red punch buggy that saw fit to back out of their parking space just as I made to pass them, making me slam on the break. Seriously. Rear view mirrors people. USE THEM.

"I dunno, why? Do I have a curfew now?" Prussia asked with a snort and a dancing expression in his eyes that told me if I tried to give him one he was disobey it just to spite me. Not that I had any intention of that anyway.

"No, but I will lock my door and turn on the alarm and electric fence at midnight. Usually I'd do it at 10pm, but just for you I'll leave it for midnight because I'm just that thoughtful. If you're back past that you'll be waiting outside until morning when I put the dogs out. Of course you could always stay the night with Corey and come back tomorrow I guess, whatever works for you. Oh and how are you getting back to my house anyway? Is Corey going to drive you?" I swore again as a harried looking mother darted between a set of cars, each hand clutching that of a young girl- presumably her daughters, whom I could've killed if my foot hadn't been on the brake pedal already. Great job honey-bunch, you won't be receiving mother of the year.

Prussia seemed to think about that for a moment before answering. "I don't know... I guess so. We didn't actually talk about how I'm getting back after; I don't even know if he has a car. I guess I could get a taxi."

I scoffed. "With what money? I'm not paying for a taxi service!"

"Well then why don't you come back and pick me up?"

"Because _I'm_ not a taxi service either!" I sent him a glare as I managed to work my way onto the street at last and swung over to park beside the liquor store. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel for a second before unlocking the door so Prussia could get out.

"What?" he asked, noticing my debating expression.

I let out a heavy sigh. "I suppose I should go in with you and find out how you're getting back. Since I think I technically own you after all, it's probably the responsible thing to do."

"Hey! No one owns the Awesome Prussia! And since when are you responsible?"

My eyes narrowed. "I am plenty responsible! I just went out and bought you guys clothes cause I know you need them, I'm setting up a bedroom for Ivan... okay sure I'm not exactly good with kids but I'm not incompetent in general. I take my pets to the vet, and pay my bills and get my work in by the deadline! Well… I usually get in by the deadline! I mean sometimes I have to push the deadline back a bit but… Anyway, I'm coming in, I should really talk to Corey too." I turned back in the seat to look at Little Ivan, who had been sitting quietly and listening to this exchange. He smiled at me. "Think you can be good and not touch anything until I get back?"

"Um... will you be long?" he cocked his head to one side, his smile faltering momentarily. I shook my head and told him I didn't think so. "Then, da!" So cute so cute so cute...

"Right then!" I nodded firmly, unbuckling my seatbelt and getting out of the car with Prussia. He didn't seem overtly thrilled I was walking him in to meet his date but he would have to suck it up because I wasn't getting a drunken plea of a phone call at three am from Prussia begging for me to shell out money for a taxi ride home.

Just before we opened the door I quickly turned to Prussia, grabbing his wrist to stop him opening the door just yet.

"If you come back in 'domestic' mode again, I might have to slap you. That pink apron was creepy as hell," I said with all the seriousness I could muster.

"You're just jealous of my awesomeness, I understand," Prussia smirked and I rolled my eyes as he pushed the door open decisively. Behind the counter was Corey speaking with an older man (presumably whoever was taking over when his shift ended) who wore glasses and had a small black goatee. Not the worst looking guy in the world, but the crow's feet around the corners of his eyes told me he was in his late thirties at least, more likely mid-forties. As the bell rang to indicate our entrance, Corey's eyes went straight to Gilbert's and he smiled brightly.

"Oh, see Derek, there he is now!" he waved and then suddenly blushed brightly and pulled his hand down. "Uh, yeah. So, um, ready for our- ah!" Corey had barely acknowledged Gilbert's presence and already the albino had leapt over the counter and was molesting his crotch and shoving his tongue down the smaller man's throat.

"Gilbert! Seriously, what the h-hell," I sputtered, noticing my face heating up and my hands trying to work their way up to grasp at my chesticles. Well... it looked hot okay! I was bound to have a reaction to unbridled yaoi sexiness presenting itself in front of me!

Finally Gilbert released Corey who slumped against the counter; face bright read and mumbling gibberish. The other guy, Derek, let out a chuckle and leaned against the wall shaking his head.

"So you're Gilbert huh?" he asked, putting out a hand for Gilbert to shake. The albino did so with a smirk.

"Yeah, but you can call me 'Your Awesomeness'."

"Or you could call him dickhead. Or idiot. Or moron. Or Kaliningrad."

Prussia's eyes flashed into anger and his head whipped around to look at me. "Don't call me that. Ever."

"Kaliningrad?" Derek looked confused.

"Inside joke, don't worry about it," I waved the question away. "So you're Corey's co-worker I assume?"

"His boss actually," Derek grinned. "I don't usually work on the weekend, but Corey begged for an early end to his shift so he could go on a date. I figured I wasn't doing anything anyway and this way I don't have to pay him as much, so why not?"

"Why not indeed," I nodded sagely.

"So who are you?" Derek asked, raising an eyebrow and looking down at my ketchup stained t-shirt poking out from beneath my short purple winter jacket. Yep, just spreading the geek all over the place.

"I'm Gilbert's roommate, er, landlord actually. More like that. Except he needs to start paying rent soon. Oh right, do you think he could maybe get a job here? And if not, do you know anywhere else with a job opening?" I decided that since this Derek guy was in charge he would likely know about hiring positions.

"Hey! Quit trying to make me work, if I want a job I'll get one!" Gilbert snapped, crossing his arms and looking like a petulant child. Corey seemed to be recomposing himself, but wasn't talking just yet.

Derek glanced at Gilbert and seemed to think about it. "Well... I guess I don't really like working the late shifts. Can he work week nights?"

"Er, I guess so. How late are we talking?" I nibbled my bottom lip, coming to terms with the fact that if Gilbert got a job in town I'd likely have to start driving him back and forth from work and at minimum wage, was it all really worth it?

"HEY! I said I'm too awesome to get a job, so can you get out of here so we can go on our date? I don't need a chaperone!"

"I'm not chaperoning! Jesus... hey Corey!" I snapped my fingers to get the feminine-looking man's attention. He still looked a tiny bit dazed but nodded at me. "Can you drive Gilbert home whenever you're done? Cause I don't really want to drive all the way back here."

Corey took a short breath before giving a smile and answering. "Y-yeah, no problem! I've got a car, where do you live?"

I quickly gave him my address, deciding that one person possibly coming to call now and again wasn't too bad as long as it was to remove Prussia from my sight once in a while. I had a feeling I would be getting sick of him fairly soon...

Bidding a quick farewell after informing Corey of the midnight cut off time for getting back into my house, I headed out to the curb where my car was parked. However, Little Russia was not smiling and waving where I had left him. I opened the car door and looked in the back seat. No Russia. I checked the front seat, just in case I'd over looked him, but not there either.

Little Russia was gone. Again. Oh shit.

"IVAN!" I shouted, pulling my head out of the car. "VANYA?" I tried that as well as I'd had no immediate response to the first call.

I scurried around the car. Nothing on any side of that. I looked under the car. Again, nadda. "VANYA IF YOU HEAR ME YOU HAD BETTER FUCKING ANSWER ME!" I screamed, starting to feel cold threads of panic coursing through me. I had had the kid for less than a day and I already lost him? Behind me I could hear the liquor store door open and Prussia's voice sounded behind me.

"Hey, what are you still doing here? I told you, I'm too awesome for a chaperone!"

I whipped around and stared at him with wild eyes. "Ivan's gone! He was in the car when we went into the store and I come out and he's not here!"

"Ivan?" Corey questioned, glancing from me to his date and back again.

"Gilbert's little brother," I said without missing a beat. Prussia immediately glared at me. Well if he wanted to call me mom and induced Little Russia to call me the same then what did he expect to be the first relationship to come to mind? "He's only six... SHIT." I stormed off to check the alleyway next to the liquor store on impulse. No luck. I stomped back to the car and checked under it again, not sure why.

"Oh, we'll help look for him!" Corey offered immediately. Gilbert rolled his eyes.

"I'm sure he'll be fine. He's too creepy to be kidnapped."

"He's not creepy, he's fucking adorable and you _are_ going to help me find him before he gets into trouble!" I snapped, twirling on the spot to survey my surroundings. Across the street was obviously the Wal-Mart parking lot. There was the liquor store, and beside that a... a...

"Since when has there been an ice cream parlour there?" I said in surprise.

"Oh, that just opened today. I didn't even know what it was until they put the sign up," Corey explained. "I went there on my break, it's pretty nice. They're offering one free scoop per person on opening day!"

I quickly ran to the store and peeked in the window. Sure enough, Little Russia was sitting at a table holding an apparently animated conversation with the owner of the parlour as he licked a vanilla ice cream cone.

"Thank God," I muttered, pulling open the door.

"Okay, well we're going on our awesome date, don't wait up!" Prussia laughed and draped an arm around Corey's shoulders, steering him down the street. I myself hurried over to Little Russia who grinned at my approach.

"Oh, hello Mother Rus-"

"Ivan, what the hell do you think you're doing in here? You almost gave me a heart attack, I told you to stay in the car!"

Little Russia tilted his head to one side and looked confused. "Oh? No you did not! You told me to be good and not to touch anything! So I got out of the car as soon as you left so as not to touch anything! But I decided to wait inside the ice cream parlour because it was cold outside and the nice man gave me an ice cream cone for free!"

I sighed and turned to the man behind the counter who I hadn't looked at until now. I froze. This was definitely weird. If I hadn't already known about units and had two of my own, I would likely have started questioning if God had sent me a miracle. As it was, I wondered if maybe I was seeing someone else's 'miracle' as I stared into the face of Hetalia's Switzerland wearing a white uniform and apron with a small paper hat balanced on his blond hair. He was also looking slightly irritated I might add, but didn't he always?

"Holy shit, you're a Unit," I said in deadpan, eyes wide, unable to fully grasp the situation.

Switzerland's irritated expression didn't change. "Yeah, so?"

"So... nothing I guess." I shrugged. "Oh, hey do you live with that blond chick from Wal-Mart?" I said suddenly, remembering the cashier who had gaped at Prussia. Switzerland frowned, but nodded stiffly. I blinked. Well... suspicion confirmed then. "Huh. Well, if you'll just give me a scoop of chocolate ice cream I believe I'm entitled to, I will be on my way."

Ice cream in hand, I drove back to my house. Little Ivan still sat in the back seat because even though I didn't have a car seat for him I knew enough not to have him up front where air bags could crush his ribs or something if I crashed. And with icy roads, lots of cars and driving one handed between licking drips of ice cream from the cone and my wrist, crashing was actually a possibility. Luckily I managed to avoid that fate this time around however, I got back to my house without incident. As I had hoped, the driveway was still relatively clear and I pulled into the garage with ease. Just as I was releasing Ivan from his seatbelt however, a delivery van pulled into the driveway behind us. At first I thought _'Oh god oh god Russia!_' then I mentally slapped myself, remembering that I hadn't even re-ordered my dream unit yet. My next thought was _'China? Already?'_ Because I had only ordered that unit today so it would be odd if it was here already.

However when the delivery woman (yes, a woman this time! She was stout with orangey red hair) came up to get me to sign her clipboard, I discovered that I had been in fact delivered Little Ivan's bed. How convenient! I supposed he wouldn't have to sleep on the floor after all.

It took a couple of trips from the front hall to upstairs, but I managed to get all the parts of the bed into Ivan's room eventually. After the first trip up the stairs, Little Ivan had stopped and waited in the room as one piece of bed after another was brought in. As I passed the bathroom door I noticed Dudley lying outside it (he'd growled at Ivan as he passed too) and I remembered Bandit was still locked inside there. Well, I would let him out when the bed was set up. That way he wouldn't be underfoot. On my third trip (deciding to bring up the pillow, sheets and blanket in one go this time) I noticed that Coco had joined Ivan and was rubbing herself against him. Well, if my dogs didn't like the kid for some reason, at least one of my cats was willing to be friendly. Little Ivan seemed to like her too, so that was good.

Finally all the bedding and bed parts were upstairs. The mattress and box spring were the hardest to get up, but since it was a twin size bed it wasn't too heavy and only somewhat awkward. I started fumbling around to put them together. One again, Little Ivan merely watched with a big smile plastered on his face. If I hadn't already dignified him as utterly adorable, I suppose I might've sympathised with Prussia that he was a little creepy just then. As it was, I just tried to forget the never ending stare and concentrated on the task at hand. As I worked my mind drifted off on a tangent and I began fantasizing over what Prussia and Corey were likely doing at that moment. Perhaps Prussia had found some secluded corner of a restaurant bathroom and had shoved Corey into a stall and was currently-

"FUCK!" I swore loudly as the wooden side of the bed I was trying to manoeuvre into place slipped from my grasp and landed on my foot. I didn't think it broke anything but damn it hurt like a bitch! And Little Russia seemed to be giggling. I shot him a glare. "So that's funny, huh?"

"Oh, um, no, s-sorry Mother Russia," Little Russia looked away and trembled to show he still feared my anger... but something in that didn't seem quite genuine. Was he trying to manipulate me now? He turned his puppy dog eyes at me. Crap. Well if he was manipulating me it was working.

"Uh, no, it's alright don't worry about it..." I mumbled and continued messing with the bed frame. Since I had managed to set up my own bed in the study I had a point of reference and it only took me about twenty minutes to fully put the bed together, sheets and all. When Little Russia saw the sunflower print, he immediately glomped my legs in vice grip again, though this time I was able to grab the bed frame and prevent myself from falling over. Coco jumped up onto the bed and curled up in a sunbeam, falling asleep instantly.

Sunbeam.

"Oh shit, I need curtains too," I mumbled, trying to sort out everything I had to order online now. I needed a dresser, bedside table, curtains... damn. Pricy. Maybe I should auction off some of my anime stuff on eBay or... no. No how could I do that? My things were too precious for that! I shook my head and glanced at Little Ivan.

"Yes Mother Russia?" he asked with wide eyes.

"I'm going to let Bandit out of the bathroom now. Um, are you okay with that?"

"Why wouldn't I be, Mother Russia?"

"Uh, because he bit you..." I gestured to Ivan's leg. Under his pants still lay the bandages from that encounter from the morning.

"Bit? Oh, that was nothing! It is probably healed already," Little Ivan pulled up his pant leg and started to pull off the bandages.

"What? No!" I grabbed his hand to stop him, it can't have already healed, it had been a deep bite! Even if he hadn't limped or winced since a short while after it happened, it couldn't be better already.

"No, it is fine, do not worry, Russians heal fast!" he jerked free of me and I sat in puzzlement as he ripped away the bandages. I stared.

There was no mark whatsoever.

"See?" Little Russia giggled.

"But- how- it- what the fuck..." I sputtered and breathed heavily. What the hell was this? Even if the bleeding had stopped there should be a scab, a scar, there was quite literally _nothing_. I brushed my fingers over the place I thought the mark ought to be, but the skin was smooth. My eyes widened and I gazed into Little Russia's little violet orbs.

He placed a hand softly on my cheek and rubbed it in what could be considered a soothing gesture... or maybe a bit of a creepy one. Yes he was cute, he was, I just... he was starting to freak me out at this point.

"Do not worry Mother Russia," he gave me a concerned look, which was sort of nice I supposed, "This is normal, I am a Unit, not a regular human remember? We heal quickly."

I pulled back from his touch and blinked, my breathing slowing to normal. Right, Units, forgot. "Oh! Well yeah, I guess I understand that then, so it's fine. Um, are you hungry? I mean I know we ate maybe an hour ago but you only had fries and that isn't that much."

"No, I am fine. Perhaps I could meet your dogs again, da?" Little Russia asked. I frowned. Well... if he was going to live in the same house as them they would probably have to make some sort of peace I supposed...

"Um, sure I guess. Just... you wait here and I'll bring them to you alright? Alright," I answered myself before leaving the room. I spied Dudley still sitting in front of the bathroom door where Bandit was trapped inside. I decided that since Dudley was smaller, I should have him meet Little Russia first and if that worked out I could give Bandit a second try. As it was, I lifted the small dog from the ground. As I moved him towards Little Russia's room he immediately began barking his little doggie lungs out and struggling in my grasp but I still pressed on and Little Russia's face lit up with delight as he saw the desperate animal in my arms.

"Oh, he is so cute!" Little Russia exclaimed, jumping onto his bed and holding out his arms to receive the puppy. I couldn't help but feel this was a very bad idea all around, but if Ivan felt like bleeding some more today he could feel free to. I handed the dog over and Ivan's arms tightened around it instantly. Dudley yelped as Little Russia twisted him into a position where he could barely turn his head, let alone bite the child. I watched in horrified wonder as Little Russia leaned forward and spoke into my dog's ear, it sounded a little like Russian, but with a growling edge over every word. My dog fell still and began to whimper. The Russian child relaxed his hold and Dudley lay quietly in his lap, unmoving and looking at me with terrified eyes. With a soft, secretive smile Little Russia began stroking his head, causing the small dog to tremble.

Coco took one lazy look at the scene from her sunbeam before going back to sleep. I, on the other hand, was gaping like a fish. Because, well, you saw that right? That was just... that shouldn't... what. What the fuck.

"May I see your other dog now? This one will not trouble us any longer!" Little Russia giggled again. Okay. I was definitely starting to see the creepy parts now. I mean on full grown Russia the creepiness was sexy, but as my old childhood friend Valerie would say 'There is nothing creepier then a creepy child'. And well... yeah. I could feel my skin crawling as I numbly walked to the bathroom and opened the door. I was immediately faced with Bandit barrelling out from between my legs and racing for Little Russia's room, barking growling and slobbering up a storm as he did so. However it seemed that this time Ivan was ready for him and from the doorway of his room I watched the child jump from his bed, land on top of my dog, and repeat the process he'd just done to Dudley. Unlike Dudley however, Little Russia did not whisper into Bandit's ear. Instead, he fully bit down on it.

I somewhat remembered an old movie I'd seen where it said biting a dog's ear made him recognise you as dominant, but damn it all if I could remember what movie it was. Anyway, it seemed to have the desired effect because when Ivan pulled away, Bandit looked at him, sneezed, and then jumped onto the bed to sniff at Dudley's trembling figure.

Well alright then.

"So, er, I have toys and stuff around if you want them but um... I think I have to work so... just knock on my bedroom door if you need anything... okay?" I said, hoping it would be okay to leave the kid alone. Well at the very least I doubted he'd be bitten again, and quite frankly I was about done hanging out with him for the time being. I mean, yes he was cute, but he was also coming across as rather creepy right now, so some time to compose myself would be nice.

"Okay!" Little Russia nodded and hopped onto his bed to start stroking Coco's flabby stomach as she sprawled across the comforter. With a brief nod, I left the room and hurried down to my own. I was about to shut my door when Kelly darted in and leapt onto my computer chair, looking at my imploringly.

"Oh Kelly! My life is just bizarre, what the hell!" I moaned tragically and shut my door before running over to scoop the tabby into my arms. I nuzzled her fur with my cheek and after struggling to get a better position the cat began purring. My adorable Kelly, always the best to talk to about things!

"Kelly, I'm afraid Ivan is creeping me out."

"Meow"

"I mean, the fast healing is normal for what he is I guess, but you didn't hear him talk to Dudley, and now the poor little pup won't quit shaking... I don't know if I should be happy or mad or upset about this."

"Meow"

"Yes, I know I like grown up Ivan because he is cute and creepy and sexy beyond imagining. Just... little kid creepiness is more... terrifying?"

"Meow"

"Well yes... I guess creepy kids are more interesting than impossibly cute ones..."

"MEOW"

"Okay fine I'll get you a treat! God!" I snapped, dumping the cat on my bed and opening the drawer in my bedside table where I kept a bag of tuna flavoured kitty treats. I dug into the bag and took out about a dozen, dumping them on my mattress for Kelly to devour as I went and plunked myself down in front of the computer monitor. I was quick in bringing up Heart of Darkness and after reading over the last couple of paragraphs of the chapter I began furiously typing out the next. Since I'd just hit the halfway point, it was time to escalate things quickly toward the climax. I was surprised to find I had rather a lot of inspiration that day and had typed out nearly three pages before my fingers trailed off on a sentence and it occurred to me that I wanted to order some things off the internet. I quickly minimized my story and brought up Amazondotcom once again.

It didn't take long to order up an end table, a lamp and a small dresser for Little Russia, but it occurred to me that China would also need a bed to sleep in, and that is where everything went downhill. I wasn't very familiar with China's character- in truth I hadn't actually watched the Hetalia in quite some time, reading Fan fiction for it more than anything else. Funny, considering how much I professed my love for the show when I hadn't seen the first couple of seasons in... god I don't know how long. Well, before I worried about that I hurried to the Hetalia Units section and ordered up Russia again. As I did so I noticed a new Unit available now, America. Well, that was interesting. I always liked Russia/America pairings in Fan fiction. But of course it would be insanity to order him up, I was already going on credit to order Russia again as it was. If Heart of Darkness bombed I would be in deep shit let me tell you. Honestly, at this point I would have to make Prussia get a job no matter what the hours because we needed the income. China could probably get a job too, though I really needed him to take care of Little Russia because Lord knows I was doing a terrible job at it.

Anyway, after ordering my full grown Russia for the second time, I decided that perhaps it would be useful to re-watch Hetalia: Axis Powers in order to get a feel for China's character again. That would probably help me figure out what kind of furniture to get, or where to set his room up. All I could remember was that he was Chinese (well... duh) and that he liked cute things. Cute things. Cute things. Hmm... maybe I could just get a bed and put it in my plushie room? Those were definitely cute. Though it would mean moving my electronics again...

I stopped heading for my door and went back to the computer. Maybe I didn't need to watch Hetalia right now after all, that was a pretty good idea I'd just had. What was better was that the plushie room had a closet already so no dresser required! I quickly ordered a twin sized bed for China with a plain white comforter (since I still had no clue what he would actually like). I resolved that in order to save money, I would just take one of the freestanding lamps from the living room and put it in China's room, and if he complained I'd just tell him to earn the money for furniture himself! Ha ha, that worked out well. I smiled to myself as I closed Amazondotcom and brought up my novel again. I felt ready to finish off perhaps a whole new chapter before dinner, or at least before bed time!

And so I typed. Eventually I found myself getting hungry and I decided to cook up some mac and cheese. I was about to eat a bowlful when Little Russia appeared in the kitchen and I remembered, oops, you have to feed kids. So I offered him a bowl. He looked at it uncertainly until I grabbed some ketchup and doused the meal in it. With a smile the kid started to eat, effectively looking covered in blood once again. He was smiling again too. Well, at least I could get him to eat stuff, thank god.

After dinner Little Ivan expressed the desire to spend time with me. This weirded me out a rather lot since most of the time people don't really seem to enjoy being around me, but I figured he was probably bored. So I offered to watch TV with him and he agreed with vigour. I flipped on the television (apparently the satellite was back on) and scanned through the channels until I found some old re-runs of Phineas and Ferb. Well, that was always a cool show. And kid friendly too, a bonus! I still had a Perry the Platypus t-shirt in my drawer and a Ferb mug in my kitchen cupboard. It was the episode about the aglet, which was a classic. However despite my constant laughter and enjoyment of the old cartoon, I sort of noticed that Little Ivan seemed rather bored by it all.

"I do not understand this show," he finally said during the commercial break, "Why is there so much fuss over what the tip of a shoelace is called?"

"It just... it's what the show is about! They always do something weird, like building a water park or starting a fashion line or making a big deal out of aglets... and what about Perry and Doofinshmerts? They're just awesome you have to admit... well it's... I'm not lame damn it!" I felt my cheeks heat up, why am I getting embarrassed about this in front of a six year old? This was my house and I could watch and enjoy what I wanted damn it! I looked at the clock. It was ten pm. "Woah, look at the time! So late already, better go to bed!" I laughed at my luck and gently pushed Little Russia off the couch. He frowned a little and stumbled to the front hall, looking up the dark stair case to the upper story. I saw him tremble again, although this time he didn't seem to be faking at all.

"Um, Mother Russia, can you come with me to bed? It is only that I cannot quite reach the light switch and um..." he had his hands to his chest and was looking hopelessly adorable once more. Something I would never be able to fight- I could tell. Damn it!

"Y-yeah, sure," I mumbled, shutting off the TV and walking over to gather Little Russia into my arms again. I ascended the stairs without too much trouble and adjusted my hold on the kid to open his door. I flipped on the light and found both dogs and Coco lying on the bed where I'd left them before.

"Thank you Mother Russia!" Ivan giggled as I placed him on the bed and nudged my dogs to wake them up. They whimpered in their sleep and opened their eyes.

"Okay pups, I'm going to put you out in a minute, so get off the bed," I pushed them again and they lazily jumped off to the floor. They didn't even seem to notice Ivan watching them. I looked at Coco and then at Little Russia. "If you want the cat in here with you the door has to stay open so she can get to the litter box."

"Oh, that is fine," Little Russia nodded and I nodded back.

"Right! Okay, so get some sleep, Prussia might be back in a couple of hours or else in the morning I suppose. And if something bad happens, um, I guess come wake me up, urg... god I hope China gets here soon," I muttered, going to close the door when Little Russia piped up behind me.

"Oh, do I not get a kiss goodnight, Mother Russia?" he asked quietly. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. My first time kissing Russia and it was going to be his kid self. No pedo thoughts! Well, there wouldn't be anyway because I wasn't into kids it was just that... well it was confusing because I loved big Russia and wanted to have back breaking sex with him but his child self was adorable and slightly creepy but really sweet and... "Mother Russia? Are you okay? Your face is turning very red..."

"Oh, no I'm fine!" Sure my voice was at a pitch that would normally give dogs a migraine but I was fine I swear! "S-sure you can have a kiss goodnight!" I let out some uneasy laughter and Little Russia continued to look concerned as I cross the room and gave him a brief peck on the top of the head before dashing out of the room so fast the rug could've caught fire from the friction. Why I ran I would have trouble explaining, but it seemed the thing to do at the time so...

I stumbled to the back door to find my dogs already waiting for me, back to normal and wagging their tails eagerly. I smiled in some relief; they seemed okay after whatever they experienced with Ivan. I opened the back door and the dogs burst out into the snow drifts, bouncing along. I sighed as I watched them and let my mind drift over once more to what Prussia was doing with his newfound boy toy right now. I felt myself grow heated again and my hands drifted towards my chest as I opened the door to let the dogs inside again.

With the kid tucked into bed and Prussia safely out of the way, not to mention good headway met on the writing front, I decided that maybe, just maybe, it was time to watch some good old internet yaoi hentai...

Heh heh heh heh heh heh...

So two hours later when I went to lock up the house, I was feeling very, very content and giddy. I always felt that way after watching two hot animated guys bumping uglies in the middle of the night. It was a good feeling.

Roughly three seconds after I locked the door and went to turn on the electric fence, my doorbell went off. Immediately my dogs raced in and started barking up a storm and I'll admit I might have been surprised by the sound as well. Still, it was no surprise to find Prussia when I opened the door, looking thoroughly shit faced and grinning like a maniac, clothes and hair mussed rather well.

"Most. Awesome. Night. _EVAAAAAA_..." Prussia started giggling wildly as he stumbled past me. I shook my head and shut the door, finishing locking up just as a crash sounded from the stairs to the basement. Presumably Prussia had fallen down them. I sighed heavily and walked to the stairs. The door was hanging open and I could see Prussia sprawled at the bottom. Gilbird was on his head again and chirping wildly.

"Are you alive or should I call the morgue?" I called down the stairs. Unintelligible groans followed by a shaky thumbs up was a pretty good answer I supposed, so I made to shut the door. However, curiosity stopped me here. I did rather want to know what had gone on to put the Prussian in such a good mood so throwing caution to the wind I descended the stairs and poked Prussia in the side.

"What do you waaaaaant?" he moaned, turning his head to face me and looking bleary eyed.

"So, you had fun I take it?" I asked with a smirk.

"Yeah," Prussia giggled again, "Corey is sooooooo cute!" The albino hiccupped.

"Mm hm..." I hummed thoughtfully, "So what did you do with him?"

"Kesesesesese... I fucked him!" he made a lewd gesture with his fist. Immediately I had the mental image of Prussia and Corey naked and sexing it up... Corey's body might've been a tad romanticized, but it was a hot image. Might have to look up more porn...

"So was that all you did, or did you do regular date stuff too? When'd you get smashed?" I asked, noticing that his breath reeked of beer.

"Nrg, uh... I dunno..." he seemed to be straining to think past his inebriation. After a moment he gave up and started to laugh wildly. "H-he wants to hook up again! And it was awesome!" Prussia then tried to get up and threw up all over the floor.

"Oh gross!" I reared away from the drunken albino and looked around for something to mop up with. My eyes settled on the open door to the bathroom I had never used, though it seemed Prussia had since the items inside it had at least been cleared all the way to the toilet. I got off the floor and grabbed a towel, coming back to start mopping off the floor. I then took a good look at Prussia. His shirt and chin were dripping with the stuff too. Gross.

"Kesesesese... I sh-should clean up huh?" Prussia slurred, giggling again.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," I said with a sigh. Sadly, this wasn't an entirely new experience for me. Before I tossed my Toronto roommate, Christine, out after my first publishing deal, I had the poor fortune of getting to clean up her drunken vomit on multiple occasions. The difference was that she tended to get depressed and burst into tears when she was drunk, at least Prussia looked rather exuberant. I never did understand why Christine drank if it made her feel so down, but that was years ago now so back to the matter at hand. Even if it was gross, I think I preferred this to domestic mode.

"Come on Gil, let's go to the sink," I tugged on his arm and after a moment I managed to get him back on his feet, even if he swayed a bit. In the bathroom I grabbed another towel, wet it in the sink, and attacked Prussia's face with it.

"HEY! Phht, get away from me!" Prussia sputtered, trying to pull his face from my towel assault but I would have none of that!

"Fuck off; I know what I'm doing!" I spat, pulling away the towel only when satisfied that he was vomit free. I then grabbed the bottom of his shirt and yanked it up over his head before he had time to breathe.

"W-what are you doing?" Prussia gasped as he stood shirtless. I frowned. Some more vomit had gotten onto his face from the shirt so I attacked it with the towel again. "STOP THAT!"

"I guess all this can go through the laundry then," I sighed, grabbing the shirt and towels and heading out of the bathroom and around the corner to the one room downstairs I used on a semi-regular basis, the laundry room. I dumped the articles in with the rest of the clothes that had been mounting up there over the last couple of weeks and turned on the washer. Then I returned to the Prussian, who had left the bathroom and had managed to get into his own room, collapsing on the bed face down again. I shook my head. This is why I didn't drink. Well, one of the reasons. No dignity in it. Also, I liked remembering everything that happened to me. Plus, I'm kind of afraid of what I'd act like if I was drunk. And there's the fact that I had yet to find an alcoholic beverage that didn't taste like shit to me.

In any case, I walked over to the Prussian and pushed him over so he was on his back. His red eyes opened slightly (redder than usual from intoxication). He glared.

"What now? Let me sleep... un-awesome..." he mumbled as Gilbird flew over from wherever he had been and perched on the bed post.

"I'll leave when you get under the covers like a big boy. Come on, it's not that hard," I put my hands on my hips and gave an expectant look.

Grumbling so much you'd think I'd asked him to drive thirty minutes to pick up milk at two in the morning, Prussia slithered his way up the bed and managed to get himself more or less under the covers. I smirked.

"Not so hard, was it?" I smirked. He gave me the finger. I laughed. However, as I went to leave the room, I heard a mumbled whisper from behind me. I frowned and turned to look at the Prussia, my hand already brushing the light switch. "What was that?"

Prussia gave a small, soft snort. "You're so un-awesome Mom, not even a goodnight kiss?"

I glared and chewed the inside of my cheek before giving him the finger. "You probably taste like vomit and beer; no way am I kissing that."

"Not even on the cheek?" he sent a cheeky grin. Stupid drunk Prussian. He probably wouldn't even remember that I helped him clean off in the morning. He probably wouldn't remember any of this actually.

Huh...

No, no! He's dating that Corey guy and I'm saving myself for Russia now damn it! And he's so drunk he probably can't get it up at this point anyway.

"Fine. On the cheek," I said decisively marching back to the bed. Prussia looked surprised as I leaned down and pecked his cheek before striding out of the room, clicking off the light as I did so. I ignored the 'kesesesese' that followed me up the stairs, because I had been right. He tasted like vomit and beer. Disgusting.

I brushed my teeth to rid myself of the taste of Prussia before heading to my room. It had been what, three, four days since my life went to pot? That was tiring. I needed sleep. I settled under the covers, after a moment I felt two creatures jump onto the foot of the bed (by the sounds of dog tags jingling I assumed my dogs) and they curled around my legs as I slowly drifted off.

Several hours later, I awoke to feel three lumps pressed against me. Two of them were by my legs. One was lying up against my side. I turned my head to see a small boy's face inches from my own. His eyes were closed and he was breathing lightly. I was groggy, confused and slightly terrified.

"AH! KID IN MY BED!" I screamed, jettisoning my hands forward with all the force I could muster, effectively giving the kid a stellar wakeup call as he landed on the floor and stared at me with wide, confused and horrified eyes. And he started trembling.

"W-why Mother Russia? I-I'm sorry I came into your room without permission but you were asleep and I had bad dreams so..." he shivered harder. I stared at him for a moment before it came to me.

"Oh... oh fuck Ivan! I forgot you were... oh. Um, sorry about that," I swung my legs out of bed and picked Little Russia off the ground. "I just have this weird problem where I can't remember anything in the morning. I'm not a morning person. What time is it?" I glanced at my clock. Seven AM. Too early to be moving really, but I was awake now so whatever. "How about breakfast?"

"As long as it isn't those disgusting noodles from yesterday, the red stuff you put on them only just masked the taste."

"... well that was rude," I muttered, opening my bedroom door and heading for the kitchen. I deposited the kid at the table and set about making a couple of bowls of cereal. Little Russia looked at it suspiciously before giving a resigned sigh and picking up his spoon. I had a strong feeling that he found the meals he was receiving in my house less than satisfactory, but hopefully when China got here he could cook him up something more palatable for the tiny Russian.

"So did Big Brother Prussia come home from his date last night?" Little Russia asked after a few grimace-heavy bites of cereal.

"Oh yeah, he did," I nodded.

"Then why is he not at breakfast?" Little Russia cocked his head to one side, cute as usual.

"Oh, he has a hangover. He drank too much."

"Oh. Oh! That's a good idea, perhaps this would be better if I washed it down with vodka, da?" Little Russia piped up happily. My lips quirked downward, but I figured that well, it _was_ Russia, even if he was in miniature. He could probably handle more alcohol than I could. I went and got a bottle, pouring some into a glass and setting it in front of the Russian. He frowned.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Why is the glass so small?"

"Because it's early in the day and I want to see how you handle that before I give you any more," I said sternly, leaving no room for argument. Little Russia pouted, but still took the glass and raised it to his lips, giving a contented sigh as the liquid poured down his throat.

I had given a six-year-old boy vodka just because he asked for it. I am a terrible person.

I was just putting the dishes in the dish washer and was in the process of turning it on when the doorbell rang. I shut the washer and pressed the power button before going to answer it. My dogs were already at the door and barking, but strangely when Little Russia followed me into the hall both looked at him and fell silent, backing away into the living room. Damn that kid travelled from cute to creepy like a flash.

When I opened the door I found myself facing what was growing to be a familiar face.

"Hello Mr. Delivery Person, I assume you brought China?" I asked, rubbing the last of sleep from my eyes. He looked at me bizarrely.

"Uh, is this a bad time?"

I looked down. Oh, right, no pants. I don't usually wear pants to bed but living alone for so long tended to make me forget about putting them on in the morning sometimes.

"Nah, bring it in. I'll just go grab some pants while you do," I said and dashed quickly back to my room. I grabbed the first set of jeans I touched and pulled them on before heading back to the front hall where the blue-eyed delivery man had just finished grunting and straining to drag the crate inside.

"Sign here," the delivery man handed me the clipboard and I signed quickly. He handed me the manual.

It read: **YAO WANG: User Guide and Manual**

"Yep, sounds right. Although if it's the chibi version in there I'm probably going to castrate you when I see you next, fair warning," I said airily as I started flipping through and scanning the booklet.

"Well don't shoot the messenger, it's not my fault!" the delivery man protested. My eyes darted to meet his.

"I said castrate, not shoot. And how do I know this isn't all because you kept mixing up crates? You just better hope you got it right this time. And next time too, I ordered Russia again you see," I smirked.

"I know," the delivery man rolled his eyes. Suddenly they widened. Mine did too for an instant before narrowing.

"And how would you know?" I asked suspiciously, suddenly putting pieces together...

"I just- I don't! I just figured since you were so obsessed with getting him you would keep trying so..."

"I think I know where I recognised that customer support guy's voice! It was you, wasn't it?"

"Uh..."

"_Wasn't it_? Mr. Don't-Shoot-The-Messenger-I'm-Just-Delivery?" I glared and tapped my foot.

"Well... I got you two free Units already, I don't get why you'd be upset!" The delivery guy looked pissed off and crossed his arms huffily. I rolled my eyes and gave another glare.

"Just one more reason to castrate you if you screw it up again. Clearly if you're in charge of re-ordering my Russia Unit and in charge of delivering it, you're quite likely to be the reason I keep missing out. So just be sure it's right next time, and your balls have nothing to fear, okay?"

"Whatever lady..." the delivery man grumbled before stalking out of the house, slamming the door behind him. I glanced toward the crate. Little Russia was standing beside it, running his hands over it in a circular pattern, his eyes wide.

"China is in there?" he whispered in wonder. I raised an eyebrow, but nodded, unsure what to make of the excited expression on the kid's face. Oh well. I opened the manual again and began reading. "A Panda-aru Unit? Oh wait... that was that giant panda that could talk wasn't it?" I grimaced. I always found that thing strangely creepy when it appeared in the anime or the manga. Well, China would likely be able to control it so... Oh and of course he's a babysitter... and a voice actor? I didn't know he had a good voice..."

"Yes, China sings beautifully!" Little Russia cooed, hugging the box. Okay, he was just crossing the boundaries of cute and creepy again... best keep reading along...

"Removal from packaging! Here we go..." I read silently down the page. I didn't know the Chinese national anthem, and I didn't want a lesson in Mandarin. I supposed I could play the Japanese national anthem, but that would kind of be like tricking China out of the box and he likely would be disappointed without a Japan unit... but I would come back to that probably. And speak Russian and he would... well obviously I didn't want him to jump me.

"Y lublu vаs Кetаoy!" Little Russia said happily. Or something to that effect, I'm not entirely sure, not being able to speak Russian myself let alone be sure of pronunciation. But it _was_ Russian, whatever it sounded like. The room seemed to become almost eerily quiet. Little Russia turned his wide violet eyes on me. "We can open the box now, da?"

"N-no, I don't think that's a good idea. How about I go find some Japanese music and calm him down, sound good?" I offered with a shaky laugh. I did not want China jumping me and trying to kill me today. Just wasn't in the mood.

"Hmm... no, that's fine. I do not want to listen to Japanese music," Little Russia smiled. "I know! How about I open the box for you, Mother Russia?"

"No! That's fine, I-" But it was too late. Somehow, Little Russia jumped up and hit the edge of the crate lid with enough force to send it flying off. I had no idea he was that strong... I needed a crow bar to get him out... where was the cute little helpless kid from yesterday? In that instant a man no taller than I launched himself out of the crate, performed a mid-air triple somersault before landing in front of Little Russia. His dark hair was held back in a ponytail and... and...

Well he was pretty.

Very, _very_ pretty.

I mean... well damn.

He looked down at Little Russia and suddenly looked rather confused.

"Er... Russia, is that you-aru?" China asked hesitantly.

"Da!" Little Russia grinned, holding up his arms as if in want of a hug. China's confusion continued as turned his head and looked at me. I held his manual loosely at my side and shrugged.

"Um, I tried to order full grown Russia and they sent me the chibi version... and then they sent you to babysit him," I explained, not really having much else to say to China. He wasn't a character I either really liked or disliked, I never felt much for China at all that I could recall offhand. "I ordered your bed yesterday, but if it doesn't show up you'll sleep on the couch till it gets here I guess. You're in charge of looking after Ivan and cooking since I don't really think Prussia should be in the kitchen and Ivan doesn't like what I make."

"You'll make me many delicious things, da?" Little Russia said to China happily, arms still raised for a hug. China looked down at his adorable eyes and flushed. I could see resistance weakening in his eyes.

"I-I can do that... but... well i-it's Russia-aru and... well he..." China closed his eyes and let out a wail before dropping to his knees and grabbing Russia's miniature, hugging him so tightly that I thought his eyeballs would pop out of their sockets for a second there. "HE'S SO CUTE-ARU! CUUUUUUTE! ... ARU!"

I blinked. It was too early in the morning for this.

"Well... good luck with that. I actually think I'll be going back to bed now. Have fun." And with that I left Little Russia struggling to breathe in China's embrace and went to my bedroom. I still lacked a lock but... hey, I'd been lacking a lock for a while now hadn't I? Where was _that_ thing I wonder? Well, not that I could do much now. Too much stimulus for one sitting. I sank back onto the bed, yanked off my jeans and tossing them on the floor I snuggled down and prepared to go back to sleep until noon.

It was only ten minutes later that my phone rang. Giving a cry of frustration I lifted it from its cradle beside my bed and held it to my ear.

"Yes, what?" I asked in tired irritation. I could still hear China screaming about Little Russia being cute from the front hall.

"_Honey? It's your mother_!"

My eyes widened. Shit.

"Oh, uh, h-hey Mom," I stammered, rolling off my bed and going to lean against the bedroom door to prevent unwanted entrance. "What's up?"

"_It's almost Christmas sweetie, I was hoping you could come home for Christmas this year. I know you're busy with your work, but we all really want to see you! Your sister's coming up with her husband and kids; she has two now you know_!" Yeah I knew, she'd called me to tell me the good news three months ago. I still hadn't seen my sister's first child though I at least remembered that it was a boy. I thought her second was a girl, but I couldn't really remember.

"I can't come home Mom, things are even worse right now than usual. I have to finish my new novel by the end of January, plus I'm... er... I have some fri- frien... I'm renting rooms in my house right now."

"_Y-you're renting rooms? Oh, are things really that bad honey? I don't hear from you often, just be careful when renting. I know your aunt Paula had some serious problems with renters in the past._"

"Yeah I know, I've heard," I suppressed a sigh. I could tell my mom thought to some degree at least I was bullshitting her. But she couldn't complain. She knows why I won't come home. I know why I won't come home. Neither of us will say it, but we both know why. This call happens every year. We both know how it will end.

Though I didn't account for the huge crash I heard from the living room and the absurd shouting match that followed.

"_What was that?_" my Mom heard it too apparently. Great.

"Uh, that was probably my boarders. Crap. Uh, I'd better go check this..."

"_Honey, if you need any help, you know I'll be there as soon as I can!_"

"Not necessary Mom!" I insisted as skittered out of my room and down the hall to the living room. The sight I faced was Prussia, dark circles surrounding his red eyes and hair a mess, duking it out with China, looking ready to kill and swinging a wok (from the crate presumably) around like a maniac. On the couch was Little Russia, eating Strawberry Pop-tarts. I wasn't happy about this. I only had two packages of strawberry pop tarts left after all.

Oh and the chaos thing. None too happy about that either.

"Erm..." I watched helplessly as China clobbered Prussia over the head. The Prussian grabbed the Chinese man's ankle and yanked him to the floor. The dogs were barking uproariously.

"_Honey? Honey are you okay?_"

"I'm fine Mom!" I laughed into the phone, though it sounded faked, even to me. I frowned and looked at Little Russia who had waved when I came in. I covered the mouthpiece on the phone so my mom wouldn't hear any more. "Ivan, what are they fighting about?"

Little Russia giggled, both a cute and creepy thing. Well I seemed to be getting used to it by this point. "Big Brother Prussia came upstairs and saw me getting these pastries from the cupboard. He called me a brat and tried to shove me into the oven. Then Big Brother Yao came back from the bathroom and clubbed him with his wok, and then they just kept fighting! It is much more amusing than that strange cartoon from last night."

I tucked my tongue into my cheek in irritation and looked back at the other two Units. From the kitchen I heard some telltale meowing. Coco was hungry.

Yep, here's where I stand, and I can't say I like it as much as Little Russia.

Throwing all sense to the wind, I step in between the two fighting Units.

"ALRIGHT GUYS! That's enough, quit fi-" Huh, everything's gone black suddenly.

...

...

...

I open my eyes. I'm on the floor. Prussia, China and Little Russia are standing over me.

"Mother Russia, are you okay?" Little Russia whispers, tears in his eyes. I mumble, unable to find words. His eyes widen.

"That was dumb, walking in front of China while he's swinging his wok around," Prussia snorts.

"I'm so sorry-aru!" China says, looking very upset.

"I... I'm okay..." I manage to choke out, moving to sit up. The room spins. I lay back down. "Er... for the most part. Oh, shit, where's the phone?"

"Phone?" Little Russia looks around and moves out of my line of sight, returning quickly with the phone. "Here, Mother Russia."

"Thanks," I mutter, grabbing it and holding it to my ear. There is a dial tone. Shit. I quickly work to dial my mom's phone number. One ring, two rings...

"_Sweetie are you okay? I hear another crash and the phone goes dead, what happened?_"

"It's okay I just er... I just dropped the phone! Chin- uh, Yao... broke a dish. Yeah. So it's okay, nothing's wrong, sorry I can't be home for Christmas!" I say as quickly as possible, feeling rather nauseous.

"_Well... if you're sure dear just... remember I'm only a phone call away. If you ever need help with anything, I'm here. I just... I miss you sweetheart. Your sister does too, e-even you Dad..."_

My face darkens. "Mom, we both know that's not true."

_"Yes it is! It is true!"_

"Goodbye Mom." I press the button to end the call. I sit up, not feeling dizzy this time. I bite my lip but recomposed myself before the silent Units around me could question my phone call. I stand swiftly. "I'm not exactly sleepy now, so I'm going to work on my novel for the rest of the day. Don't bother me."

With that I march to my room, ignoring the questioning looks from those in the living room. I ignore the dogs racing after my feet. I ignore my cat meowing in the kitchen. I go straight inside and shut the door. I go to my computer. I go online and look up the anime Chobits and pump the speakers up to a blaring level, watching with a blank look and fighting back any tears that try to come out of my eyes.

_((Joyful Note: Ah ha. Daddy issues. I know it's probably cliché... well I already knew I was being unoriginal. I'm also sorry we didn't see much China interaction but I assure you that we'll see more as time goes on. ... you know, even if it is unoriginal of me, I'm kind of liking what I wrote this time around, at least the last part. Kind of a downer ending, but things will improve with time. I just want some genuine conflict as well and I figure there needs to be a reason my character here is living away from human contact! So we shall discover. Anyway, I updated 24 pages! Huzzah! And who knows? Perhaps next part she'll get... oh who are we kidding at this point, honestly? Well stay tuned to see how our delivery guy fucks up next time! Tooda-loo!))_


	5. I Just Wanted Some Sanity Damn It!

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 5: Well... I Don't Know, Maybe I Just Want Some Sanity, Is That So Wrong?**

Actually, things are pretty quiet right now. Well, it's the middle of the night and I'm staring at my now-bare ceiling thinking about how much I wanted to skin Yao alive for making me take down my porn pics, but still it's nice to know I can still get a quiet moment around here once in a while, even if there seems no logical end in sight to my screw ups in delivery. What is so hard about delivering one clone of a genetically engineered adorable, sexy psychopath is anybody's guess. But before I lead you all down the inevitable dance toward this quiet moment from where I left off last time, I would like to tell you about someone very close to me who has inspired me to distance myself from family as much as possible. I want to tell you about my dad.

My dad wasn't a hard man or anything like that. He liked smiling, except in photos, it was rare to get him to smile in those. Even when he did, his moustache tended to hide it. He was always good for a joke. He was in the military, sure, but he was never enforcing military regulations on me or my sister. Our rooms were messy and he didn't like that, but as long as there weren't piles of stuff on the floor he'd usually give a trademark eye roll and move along. I somehow doubt I'd get off so easily if he saw the state of most of my house, but he's never visited me.

He was kind too. If I was down, like after getting a verbal bully thrashing from the morons at school, he'd give me a hug and tell me that when I grew up they'd all be working for me. And generous! I remember vividly all the awesome Christmas presents over the years like my laptop, or iPod Touch... I think I remember saying he gave me his old car, the Ford Taurus right? Well that was only because the car he bought for me turned out to be something of a lemon. Rather than risk me having such a dangerous thing he insisted I take his old car and he drove that lemon back and forth to work instead until the day it died completely. And he wasn't just generous to our family either. When my grandpa died, he donated a full $2000 from his inheritance to different charities. My dad was and I suppose, if you twisted my ear and made me say it, probably _is_ a good man. I know that. In fact, we always tended to agree on a lot of things, and even dare I say share a somewhat twisted sense of humour.

However, we also disagree on some things I would consider rather important. My dad's a religious man, and my beliefs are more... vague. I mean, God just doesn't seem to factor into my life very much, you know? Still, that isn't what our biggest problem is, since my dad seemed to accept for a long while that I was having a... spiritual crisis of sorts and I think he believed I would find God again given enough time. He wasn't going to push it though.

And, well, he definitely knew about my anime addiction. But he was cool about that too. Even if he was rather vocal that he thought the Japanese were trying to take over North America and it was working because anime was so popular, he still would give in and buy me anime DVDs and Japanese video games whenever I asked for them over Christmas or for my birthday. Anime was not... precisely the catalyst for the row that made me sequester myself from my family for the last five years. Not precisely, but it played a role. A rather big role, I suppose, giving it some thought.

Maybe it was my own fault for not speaking up sooner about how I felt. When I lived with my parents, I always found it best to live under the radar. I would do what my parents asked since I knew they asked relatively little, and when either parent started a conversation that would cause a problem if I voiced my opinion on it, I would either try to force the topic away or else sneak out of the room entirely. If both those options were unavailable I would sit quiet, eyes glazed and trying to ignore the bubbling angry goo that would seem to line my intestinal track during my dad's rants. Rants about something I would never be able to agree with him on. Rants about something I would never be able to sway his opinion on. Rants that I could barely stand to hear, that would prevent me inviting certain friends over for fear of what my dad would do, that would make me have to warn friends of what they said or implied in his presence. Rants that would always limit what I could confide in him and that would always place one Grand Canyon of a chasm in our relationship that could never be crossed without a painful fall.

My dad hates homosexuals. He hates them with every part of his body. And that is something about my dad I will never, ever be able to accept.

... I think that's enough for now about him. No doubt I'll have to get into that more later, but that's all I can stomach for now about that whole mess. So let's get back to where I left you last time, shall we? No really, we'll get back to this later I promise, I'm just wiped out.

In my bedroom/study, I watched Chobits for a good two hours before I felt calm enough to actually work on Heart of Darkness. I got two paragraphs done and was sitting back in my chair balancing a pencil crayon on my upper lip and wondering if I should have Lilith, the rival of my protagonist for her love interest, actually be working with the kidnappers, or if I should have her redeem herself and help save my protagonist. It would likely be easier to make her evil, but it would probably be more interesting if she turned out not as bad as the protagonist thinks of her. This train of thought was disrupted when my bedroom door opened and the scent of Chinese food wafted toward me. This wasn't the usual Chinese buffet crap though, this was the real thing straight from the wok.

I was annoyed at the thought of being bothered, but the smell was just too delicious to resist so I spun in my chair, expecting to see Yao holding up a plate as a peace offering and perhaps professing another apology for accidently hitting me with his wok. I doubted Prussia would be hospitable enough to bring me food and... well maybe it could be Little Ivan but I somehow thought that unlikely.

What I did not expect in the slightest, but what seemed to be there holding the plate of delicious smelling food was a gigantic panda bear.

"G-g-g-giiii... giant Panda. Oh my God," I whimpered, sitting back far in my chair. I was frozen. I don't know what it was about this creature that had entered my midst. Giant animals are fine. Talking animals are fine (and I sort of recognised it as China's panda. I knew he could talk and likely would in a moment). But... this panda was just... he looked as if someone was wearing a panda costume and then some wizard made it so the costume was their actual skin and fur. It's just... a really creepy thing to see, or even think about in that context. Particularly when one had read the manga '_Franken Fran_' and a particular story of surgery gone horrific when a man's brain is placed inside a monster created from a theme park costume and... oh god. Why did I have to go through such a long horror manga phase in my youth? Now I had all sorts of scary mental images that come up at random...

"Hello," the panda blinked and cocked his giant mutant head to one side, "I am Panda-aru. Yao has sent me with some food. He would have brought it himself except he is afraid you're still mad at him for hitting you with his wok, as well as he's busy guarding the small Russian child from the strange albino man."

"Er... a-at least he's doing his job," I coughed a little to try and hide my stammering. Panda-aru's voice sounded just... wrong. Too human, I guess. It's weird I would prefer a squeaky or growly voice to emanate from black and white creature, but the extremely normal human sounding voice just seemed unnatural coming out of the bear's mouth. It was odd that its mouth could even form normal words, now that I thought about it. I did like the smell of the food it had brought with it though. "Um... just put the food on my bedside table and go. I-I'm busy."

"... I see," the panda glanced at the computer screen over my shoulder. I glanced there as well, a little involuntarily, and saw a game of minesweeper halfway completed. When did I start playing minesweeper? Damn, I played it so much apparently it had started popping up out of nowhere (or more likely I just pulled it up without thinking about it and quickly forgot when I looked away). But it certainly didn't look like work.

"Y-yes, I was just er... Minesweeper helps me think okay?" Why was I defending myself to a giant panda bear? This was too surreal. The bear shrugged.

"Well, I suppose to each their own," the bear placed the food where I'd asked and left, shutting the door carefully behind him. I turned slowly back to the screen and thought about what I had in my house right now.

A cute yet creepy Russian child. An egotistical idiot albino Prussian and his annoying bird. A cuteness-obsessed Chinese man who wields a mean wok and is friends with a giant mutant panda bear. Two adorable dogs terrified of the Russian child. Two adorable cats who have been running in fear much more often than normal lately. And an anime fan girl of twenty eight years of age, trying to hold her last shreds of sanity together.

God help me. My life was turning into a crack fic and I couldn't summon up enough energy to reverse the damage.

I got up after a moment and went to retrieve the Chinese food from the end table. China had supplied me with a fork, most likely because I only had one set of chopsticks and they were in my bedroom. This was because they were quality chopsticks and came in a special box and it just didn't feel right keeping them in the kitchen. I... really don't know _why_ that didn't feel right, but that was the case and damn it, this was my house and no one should question me on where I keep my foreign eating implements! I set the fork aside and quickly retrieved the chopsticks for use, because Chinese food doesn't taste the same when eaten with anything else, am I right? Don't bother answering, I know I am.

I have to say, it was probably the best Chinese food I'd ever eaten in my life. Though that makes sense, considering China made it. I pushed the plate to one side and stared at the computer screen. My musings had somewhat fled, but I had a deadline to meet and I was determined to get at least one more chapter finished today before I had to go deal with the fact my life might never be the same again. I didn't want to think about that. I liked my life before!

My hands were held over the keys to resume my work when my door swung open again, slamming into my wall so hard the doorknob probably dinted it. I jolted forward in my seat and my arms swept to hug myself as I spun to face the intruder. This time, it was Prussia. At his heels, Bandit and Dudley burst into the room. Bandit cowered at my feet and Dudley jumped into my lap. My arms gently released my shoulders and encircled my dog, which I petted absently as Prussia shut the door firmly behind him and gazed at me wide eyed.

"There is a giant panda bear in the kitchen _and it's talking_," Prussia whispered. I bit my lip, both out of my own concern over this situation, and to bite back some laughter at how freaked out the albino looked right then.

"Yeah, it's China's. He came in earlier with food so... yeah he's creepy isn't he?" I laughed nervously before clearing my throat. "Why didn't you go hide in your own room?"

Prussia rolled his eyes. "My room _still_ doesn't have a door," he explained, leaning heavily against mine. "I'm not going to stand at the top of the basement steps holding onto the doorknob you know, I'm too-"

"Awesome for that," I finished for him. He didn't seem to like my tone and glared, but piss on him the catchphrase was wearing thin on my patience by this point. "Well find somewhere else to hide from the mutant panda, I'm busy working. I thought I said not to bother me?"

"Yeah... oh hey that's right, who were you talking to on the phone again? Whoever it was they seemed to piss you off," Prussia let out a stream of 'kesesesese' that I did my best to disregard.

I nibbled on the inside of my cheek before responding. "It... was my mom."

"Oh, grandma then," Prussia nodded; grinning maliciously at my both angered and further scandalized expression.

"Gilbert, I'm not you mother, my mother is not your grandmother, you are not related to me **_at all_.** And thank fucking God for that. Now get out of my room."

Prussia's grin widened and he crossed his arms. "No."

My hands abruptly stopped petting my dog. My muscles tensed. "What did you say?"

"I said no, what are you going to do about it?" Prussia's head cocked to one side and his eyebrows rose in challenge. I pushed Dudley off my lap and stood. I marched over to the albino and stabbed a finger sharply into his stomach.

"OW!" he cried and covered his stomach with his hands, doubling over slightly. I took this opportunity to grab his shirt collar and yank his head further down to my level to look him in eyes. It was a good thing he was surprised, because I was well aware that with his wits about him he could easily break my hold right now, it wasn't a very strong one.

"Gilbert, do you know how much I would suffer if I threw you out in the snow with your annoying little bird and left you to die in the frozen wilderness?" I asked quietly, my face inches from his and my blue bespectacled eyes boring into his red ones.

"Er... how much?"

"Not at all."

Prussia frowned as this and pulled himself upward. I released him so he was uninhibited from standing upright again, but I stayed in the same location, my hands on my hips and glaring up at him with a continued stream of intensity. Prussia seemed to consider me for a moment, then walked straight past me and threw himself on my bed. He looked at the ceiling. This time however, instead of turning on his stomach he peered at the pictures more closely. Well... he _was_ in a homosexual relationship now I supposed. Oh wait. Oh god he-!

"Oh that's right; you scored with Corey last night!" I grinned, waltzing over to my bed and poking Prussia in the side. He grunted looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

"How do you know?" he asked, and I noticed his cheeks turning a little pink. Awe, he was embarrassed? Who knew Prussia could be cute.

"You told me last night, when you came home drunk, fell down the stairs, vomited on my basement floor and then begged me to kiss you goodnight," I laughed. Thinking back on it, it was kind of funny.

"Oh, that's why my back hurt this morning..." Prussia scratched his cheek, eyes returning to the ceiling. Then his fingers froze and a creepy smile was turned on me. "So, did you kiss me goodnight?"

"What?" I reared back and flushed. "Of course I didn't! I don't want to kiss _you_, especially last night when you were covered in sweat and vomit and beer, disgusting."

Prussia stared at me hard, his eyes narrowed. I chewed the inside of my cheek and grimaced as a grin grew on the albino's face. "HA! You totally did!" He broke into hysterical laughter that I managed to turn into a cry of pain when I slammed my fist down on his shin. As he clutched it and whined about me being a bitch, I went over to my computer chair and firmly planted myself there, still sending Prussia a dirty look. (And I mean dirty as in another glare, not dirty as in... well you know).

"You are a dick. Get out of my room. I'm writing," I looked back at the document on the screen behind me to emphasise my point.

Prussia smirked. "What, you don't want to hear all the juicy details of what I did with Corey last night?"

I paused, my eyes slowly moving back to the albino still lying on my bed. My lower lip was sucked into my mouth and I fought with myself for a bit. On the one hand, I should continue to emphasize that he should leave, both to assert the fact that I was the boss around here, this being my house and having paid for him and all... well paid for Ivan but you get the drift, and also because I really did have to work on my novel.

On the other hand... a live recounting of gay sex.

"Okay okay tell me then!" I snapped loudly, facing the Prussian with full attention. He began giving me his 'kesesese' but I would have none of that and grabbed a pencil from my desk to throw at him. I missed and hit the wall with a soft thunk and Prussia only laughed harder. "Dick! Either proceed with the recount or get out of my room! If you don't I'm grabbing my crowbar and don't think I won't wield that thing like Russia's water pipe!"

Prussia scoffed. "I doubt you've had as much practice as Russia has wielding a water pipe. But hey whatever, I want to brag. I mean, I already wrote a journal entry about it, but I can't go get it right now. Oh, and I want to borrow your computer so I can post about it in my blog too."

"We'll see," I said with raised eyebrows and a neutral expression. I waited for him to continue.

Prussia sniffed but his grin overtook him again as he started with enthusiasm. "Okay, well it was awesome, obviously, cause we started just walking to this local bar cause we wanted to start off a little drunk right? Only it was totally awesome because there was a party going down all day for some chick, I don't even know her name but everyone there was already drunk and having a good time and didn't know we weren't part of the party ne?"

I nodded absently with glazed eyes, but don't get me wrong, I was paying attention. I was just getting the mental picture into my head. I wasn't one to get off only on an act of sexual deviance alone. Atmosphere, presentation, story, these were all important parts of any Fanfiction, any story, any hentai, any yaoi I watched. If there wasn't any of that, there was no emotion behind it. Sure, watching a sexual act was exciting in and of itself to the body, but the mind needed stimulus too, doubly so when only hearing about a sexcapade rather than witnessing it firsthand.

"So we started off getting some shots and bier, I was just starting to feel a buzz but Corey was already giggling up a storm, it was really cute," Prussia beamed, eliciting a smile from me as well, "And then one girl at the party comes up and starts flirting with me, she was totally wasted. And then Corey gets all jealous and red-faced and screams at her to keep her paws off his date. And she cries about all the hot ones being fags while Corey rushes over to french me. So I took him into the bathroom and fucked him."

I had laughed at the image of Corey getting all possessive over Prussia, but now I looked at Prussia with irritation. "Come on, that's all I get? You fucked him?"

Now Prussia looked irritated as well. "Yeah, what? You want to hear about how it feels to throw a giggling drunk boy into a bathroom stall, shove his pants down and pound into him to the stench of shit and vomit?"

"Um, duh," I said with an eye roll to accent, "Though obviously with more detail than that."

Prussia stared at me for a moment. I stared back. He gave me the finger. Dick.

"Anyway, after I shoved him full of the Prussian Awesomeness that is my five meters, we left the party and decided to go get some food. There's this one little diner in town we went to, 'Grace's' I think. Anyway yeah, we went there and had some steak and more bier. It was pretty awesome I guess, but it would've been better if they'd had German bier. Oh well. Then I took Corey into the bathroom and fucked him again," the Prussian's eyes glazed at the happy memory. "I made him scream my awesome name, and we got thrown out."

"Hmph," I folded my arms. The screaming was interesting, but he seemed to be cheating me out of the details I really wanted to hear. Bastard.

"Then we went to this other bar and drank… gott I don't know, a lot. I think I might've fucked him again but I don't really remember what happened, I think we started walking again and ended up at his house, it's kind of tiny but we drank a ton more I guess and..." Prussia suddenly looked puzzled. "I guess I blacked out because the next thing I remembered was lying in my own bed with no shirt on."

"Yeah, that should be in the laundry," I sighed, assuming that he wasn't going to reveal any further details. Oh well, the camera system would be delivered soon, and then I would be able to see any further sexcapades if I could arrange for them to happen in the house.

Oh that reminded me, I had to figure out how to get my Units out of the way while they set up my surveillance system so they wouldn't know it was there. Maybe I could drive them into town and-

Wait… drive? How did…

"How did you get here if both you and Corey were falling down drunk? That doesn't make sense; Corey said he would drive you home!" I was actually pretty pissed that he would drink irresponsibly after promising me as much.

"Eh, I don't remember," Prussia shrugged, rumpling my bed sheets further from his position atop them.

"Of course not…" I muttered, resigning myself to never knowing a lot of things about Prussia's first date. What a gip.

We sat in silence for a moment before I turned back to my computer screen. "Now get out of my room."

"Hey! I told you about my date, you have to let me stay now!" Prussia's cheeks blew up in rage, to which I sent a patronizing look.

"Don't give me that, I don't have to do anything for you. You're lucky I've done as much for you as I have, considering that I didn't even order you in the first place."

"What porn's that from?" Prussia asked, suddenly pointing up at a ceiling picture of a guy chained to the floor while another guy pounded into him.

"Hmm?" I glanced at the picture and took a moment to recall the anime it was from. "Oh, I remember that one it was called… um…" I floundered, "Um… well I think I only had the Japanese version so the title was in kanji letters so I don't know how it's pronounced. But I saved it, want to see?" I asked with a smile, already going into the video file folder and the yaoi subfolder of my computer as I asked.

"Well… yeah I guess that's okay," Prussia frowned a little but still scooted up beside me at the computer. I shot him a sideways glance.

"You know, for a country that's known for grabbing vital regions and a guy who I've witnessed grab the genitals of total strangers in public, you seem strangely uncomfortable around porn," I observed, recalling his first encounters with my yaoi fixation and the disgusted looks he'd given me.

Prussia frowned. "I just… don't really like torture porn. Which you've got up there by the way," he gestured to the ceiling. Well yeah he had a point… "And I don't really like rape much either. I mean, molesting is fine obviously, especially if it's the awesome me doing the molesting, but well… hey I can be a gentleman under this awesomeness, and I have some respect for people!"

"A gentleman?" I scoffed, "I don't recall any of that behaviour from the anime. I mean sure that one time you gave Hungary your coat when you realised she was a girl, but I wonder if that's because you were afraid of sinning by touching her vital regions or something."

Suddenly, Prussia's eyes seemed to flash and he grabbed my chair, swivelling me towards him and grabbing my breasts in both hands. I squeaked. I'm not proud of that.

"Do I look afraid to you?" Prussia menaced. I tried to find my voice but only issued another squeak as he clenched my breasts tighter. It hurt. Damn it hurt. But it hurt… _good_ you know? Oh god I'm a masochist! My cheeks were heating up. A moment like this passed before Prussia mercifully released me and stood back a little so I could catch my breath.

"I-I… you… d-don't _do_ that you little… fuck… _Prussian_!" I was breathing heavily and my heart was beating rapidly. In some sense, that was rather terrifying. I had honestly felt like I couldn't move.

"I'm not really Prussian you know," Prussia said darkly. I blinked and stared at him for a moment, surprised by this shift in tone.

"I… well I suppose Prussia did dissolve but… you consider yourself German then? Weird, wouldn't have thought you'd want to give up your identity," I shook my head, but noticed Prussia's eyes darken further.

"I wasn't born in Germany, or in Prussia. I was born in a laboratory. I know the manual says I was made in Prussia but even you should realise it's only to help with the fantasy in that respect. Hell, I wasn't even really cloned from the guy you associate me with, so why the fuck should I have to be like him? And even if I _am_ like him, do _you_ even know what he's like? You just watched the anime but from what I can tell you didn't like the Prussia character much so wouldn't you be biased? How about you stop just assuming what I'm like because of how you interpreted that character and get to know the awesome that is me?"

I had sat glassy-eyed throughout this little speech and the gears of my mind turned rapidly in my head. Honestly I… hadn't really thought about it that much. Here and there it would come up but… well… yeah he wasn't really Prussia was he? He wasn't a nation, he was a Unit. He didn't even really go by Prussia, he was... Gilbert. I mean, so would any other clone like him but... huh. I haven't really been thinking about him as Gilbert, just Prussia.

Although... "Even if you _aren't_ Prussia, you still look and act just like him. It'd be insane to think I wouldn't associate you. Isn't that your job anyway? To be someone's fantasy?" I asked haughtily.

"And how the fuck is that fair? What about _my _awesome fantasies? Those don't matter then?" Prussia said... Gilbert said? Is that even right? Geez, what did he want from me? "Mein gott, why is it so wrong to want your own identity? I want to be special damn it! I don't want a hundred others with the same face and name as I do!" The childish foot stomping at this point was enough to break my trace.

"You want to be special? Find a different reality, no one's really special anyway!" I spat, "Unless you want to evoke mass genocide on all Prussia Units in the world, you're sort of stuck. You seem good with yourself as you are and with good reason, you're a hot guy with a cute boyfriend. So be happy with who you are and stop caring if other people are like you!"

Prussia glared. "Yeah, and what happens if Corey ever sees another Prussia Unit and thinks it's me? Knowing me, the other Unit would probably go along with it and have sex with him, I won't know... if he found out I was a clone, what if just decides to order one of his own that has to obey his commands? Or else... gott. You don't have any idea what it's like knowing that mass production of yourself is going on!"

I rubbed my forehead. So melodramatic. "Okay I'm confused, did you want to watch this porn or not? Because I was going to play it, and-"

"Did you even listen to my awesome speech just now?"

"And you don't seem very into it. I mean if not that's fine but you should probably get out of my room then. I do have work." I... wasn't precisely ignoring him. I realised he was upset, but between being annoying, having a conceited problem and grabbing my breasts about a minute ago, I wasn't really sympathising with him very well right now.

Oh hey that reminded me...

"And by the way, you call me Mom right? So what the hell are you doing grabbing my tender chesticles? I don't do incest."

Prussia snorted, his mood seeming to lift a bit. "So we _are_ related now?"

"What? No! Just... stop calling me mom! And get out!" I shouted, looking away fiercely.

"If you don't want to be called Mom, why don't you tell me your name? Dumbass," Prussia folded his arms. I paused. Well... yeah, why didn't I just tell him my name? This was kind of stupid never introducing myself.

"Fine, whatever, my name's-"

"MOTHER RUSSIA!" the bedroom door burst open and Little Russia ran past my dogs, who whimpered and ran out of the door when he entered, and leapt into my lap, throwing his arms around my neck. Prussia scowled.

"AH! W-what?" I stammered as the little Russian giggled wildly into my ear.

"There are some men at the door with packages and they say they are for you!"

"Oh, something must've been delivered. I hope it's your bedroom furniture," I sighed, grabbing Little Russia more firmly so I could stand and carry him. I dropped him on my bed and left the room, heading for my front door. In the kitchen I passed China and Panda-aru.

"Oh, feeling better-aru? Someone is at the door for you," China said, pointing.

"Thank you I know," I said, not looking at China to also avoid the dark gaze of Panda-san, because that thing was still horrifying, seriously.

As Little Russia had said, at the door were a couple of guys (one blond, one a red head) in jeans and t-shirts with a bunch of packages at their feet. They were looking around my front hall, but their eyes snapped to me as I entered.

"Alright, what've you got for me?" I asked with a smirk. Hopefully it was something good.

"Yes, you ordered a surveillance camera installation?" the red head asked, looking hopeful.

"Oh! Yes, I did!" my eyes lit up for a moment. In that moment visions of live streaming yaoi action danced tantalizingly before me. Then I froze. China, Prussia, Little Russia and a giant Panda were still in the house. Oh dear. "Um... hey could you guys just stay here for a really short while?"

"Um... I guess so," the blond said with a shrug. I supposed they were not paid extra for speed then. With a nod I darted into the kitchen.

"Hey China!" I say quickly.

"You may call me Yao, aru!" China said with a pretty smile. I smiled back a little, but that fled when Panda-aru turned his monstrous head so I had to look away quickly as I told them to come with me for a minute. I ran back to my room followed by the Chinese man and his bear.

Prussia and Little Russia were at my desk watching porn.

Little Russia. Oh fuck no. I winced as he turned to look at me wide eyed. Then his eyes shifted to China.

"China! When I am powerful, I will play with you like these men, da?" he said, pointing to the screen on which a man was, as I mentioned, chained to the floor while another man took him rather harshly from behind.

"AH! N-NO ARU!" China screamed, rushing over and smashing my monitor screen.

Oh you heard me.

SMASHED. MY. MONITER.

"DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" I screamed the loudest I ever have, I swear. That's where I worked. That's where I watched pornography. That's where I read Fanfiction. That's where I ordered things and downloaded Japanese anime.

Now it was smashed. Well, the monitor anyway. And I would have to go into town to get a new one because it was my monitor that I ordered things with.

China will die.

DIE.

I was still screaming and thrashing with fires blazing in my eyes as I worked to decimate the Asian Unit. However, this was difficult with Little Ivan clinging to my legs, Panda-aru grabbing me around the stomach (in a calmer mindset I would've freaked out at this) and Prussia holding down my arms. But even then it was a struggle for them.

"Ah, ah, I'm sorry, aru!" China said quickly, looking quite terrified at my rage. Well good! He destroyed my monitor, the bastard!

"Okay. This is what I'm going to do," I said quietly. I had stopped struggling and the three holding me loosened their holds ever so slightly. "I will give China some money. He will take all of you Units... you should probably bring Gilbird as well, come to think of it. And you will all go into town and _find me a new monitor_. It must be at _least_ as big as this one. If you do not succeed, I'm kicking you out. China is in charge since this is his fault and therefore will be responsible for whatever trouble the rest of you get into."

"B-but that's not fair-aru!" China wailed, "I can't help it if... if you can't keep your pornography away from Vanya!" suddenly the Asian glared. "You should not be allowing young children to see things like that-aru!"

"Oh, but I like it..." Little Russia said wistfully, looking up at the ceiling. China's gaze followed the child's and as his eyes widened I had a strong feeling that this would not end well.

"Wha-wha-WHAT IS THIS PLACE?" China gasped, forgetting his trademark –aru. He seemed to be having a mental breakdown. Great.

"Porn mansion. Now everyone, get out of here," I said deadpan. I noticed Prussia was seething. Wonderful.

"Why is China in charge? I've been here the longest, so I should be in charge! Not only that, I'm the oldest!" the albino protested. All valid points. Unfortunately I had a valid point of my own.

"Indeed, but leaving you in charge of Ivan would be like leaving a weasel in charge of a henhouse. Just not a good idea. And as I said, China broke it, therefore he is in charge of replacement. He's just lucky I won't make him pay me back for it. This time." I shot China a dark look.

"I have a question," a scarily human voice came from the direction I was making a point not to look in.

"Um... y-yes?" I asked as calmly as possible.

"Why do you want all of us out of the house?" Panda-san asked.

"None of your business!" I said quickly. Four sets of eyes bored in on me. "F-fine! I just want some me-time okay? God, with you guys running around I get no time to myself these days! Now go!"

"Fine-aru!" China said, sniffing loudly. Apparently I'd driven him close to tears. Good for me. "But you have to take your porn down from the ceiling!"

I stared at him. Then I began laughing manically. Panda-aru, China and Prussia shuffled back from me a little, but Little Russia was staring up in what looked like adoration. Well at least someone around here appreciates a good evil laugh! I used to practice all the time with my old friend Valerie- same one who deemed creepy children more terrifying then any given Saw movie. (While her laugh was always more the traditional deep 'mwah ha ha' mine was more of a deranged cackle.) It was nice to have a good opportunity to use my well-honed skills.

Wiping away a tear, I looked at China with a smile devoid of mirth. "That's not happening."

"Th-then I'm not going-aru! As his appointed guardian, I do not approve of Vanya being subjected to this debauchery-aru!" China protested angrily. I was about to argue further when it occurred to me that the camera-set-up-guys were still in the front hall.

Well... if it had to be done, it had to be done. I needed to get them out of the house, fast.

"Fine! I'll take them down, just get me my monitor! Happy?" I hissed. China frowned, but nodded. "Good. Oh... oh wait... none of you can drive, can you?"

"I can drive," Panda-aru offered. I shivered, imagining a cop car going by to see a giant panda in the driver's seat. Even if he assumed it was a costume, I think there are laws against wearing suits like that while driving since normally they would restrict vision.

"I'll call a cab. You guys go wait at the end of the driveway. P-Panda-aru will not speak while you're out because Lord knows we would prefer people thinking he was a crazy guy in a Panda suit rather than a talking animal. China, instead of cash I'll give you my credit card but I will _track_ it later, and if you've paid for anything besides my monitor and the cab fare, you'd better have a damn good reason." I reached into my pocket, pulled out my wallet and handed my VISA to the Asian. He looked at it uncertainly, but finally nodded.

"Alright but make sure to take down those pictures-aru!" China said stiffly before leading the procession of Units out of my room. I followed them to the kitchen, watching as Prussia went to the basement to retrieve Gilbird, and then to the front hall where they pulled on coats and boots and left via the front door. When I was sure they were heading to the end of the driveway, I grabbed the phone and called for a cab to pick them up and take them to Wal-Mart because, well, they had monitors there right? I knew they had TVs at least...

I looked at the camera guys who were at the moment eating a couple of sandwiches. They thought it was break time? Wrong.

"ALRIGHT!" I yelled and both men jerked upright from their seats on the floor.

"Uh... you're done?" the blonde asked, blinking.

"You bet I am!" I laughed, "And now we're going to set up hidden cameras freaking EVERYWHERE, with a remote link so I can log on under a password and view any of them from my personal computer. Ready?"

"Let's do it," the red head nodded. I grinned gleefully and began to direct the two men. I didn't know how long it would take to set up the cameras, but hopefully we would be done long before the Units returned...

So after about three hours, the last of the cameras were set up. Every room was covered in the basement, ground and second floors, save for the master bedroom because it was filled with too much stuff to get into. I even had them in the closets. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to check if the remote link was working until China returned, but luckily one of the camera guys had a laptop in their van. With it, I added my password to the link (It was _HetaliaIsMoe_, in case you're wondering. I'm just so sentimental) and bid the guys adieu. They weren't too bad I supposed. They looked alright, followed orders well... they were okay guys. I smiled as I watched them get into their van and drive off. Now I had only to wait for my lovely Units to return and all would be well.

Deciding to wait in my living room since it had a large window facing the driveway, I decided that it might be a good idea to look over those manuals again. Especially Little Ivan's, since it would apply to full-size Russia as well, presumably. So I set about trying to find the manuals.

First I found Prussia's, since it was still in the kitchen where I had left it. What was not where I had left it but nearby was Ivan's manual. China's was more difficult, but after a sweep of the kitchen I realised I'd brought it to my bedroom and hadn't looked at it, so a quick trip there found it sitting on my bedside table beside my dirty dishes. I grabbed those as well and dropped them in the kitchen sink on the way back to the living room.

I checked out the window and saw nothing, so I lay on the couch face down, propped up on my elbows and a blue cushion. The second I landed, both my dogs jumped up with me. I'm not sure exactly when they entered, but I didn't mind much as Bandit cuddled up at my side and Dudley curled up on the small of my back. They were warm, it was quite nice. I do this rather a lot when I wanted a change of scenery and my eyes hurt from staring at the computer. Just coming into my living room, lying down with my dogs… it was a peaceful feeling. Relaxing, which was a feeling I'd been deprived of since Prussia entered my house. I surveyed the manuals and decided to look at China's first, since I hadn't really bothered to pay much attention earlier.

"Wait a minute," I muttered, looking over the ways to address China. "China can be called 'Panda-san'? How does that make sense?" I shook my head and continued moving my eyes down the page. Age seventeen. Oh. Oh dear. How old was Russia supposed to be? I checked his manual briefly. No age specified.

Well, um, what you don't know can't hurt right? Anyway, if I decide it's too statutory-rapist for my liking I could always just try to distract the Russian with Prussia, and myself if he wants of course although I was getting more under the impression this Unit procuring would lead more toward getting me off on homosexual sex rather than getting any sex for myself, if you know what I mean. But there's always vain hope, and I really do love Russia.

Anyway, I continued on with China's guide. However, when it listed China's items, I gave pause. I looked in the front hall. Then back at the manual. Then back at the front hall.

The crate was gone. Come to think of it, all the crates were just… gone. That was weird. Very weird. I actually shivered before coming to the conclusion that perhaps my Units had removed them when I wasn't watching. I… I'm uncertain when or why they did it, nor am I sure precisely where they would've put them but perhaps I would ask when they got back? Still though, creepy. I forced myself to go back to the guide.

Strangely, I noticed that all programming and reprogramming features for China had to do with babysitting and sex. Well, that was sort of... that just... didn't seem right now did it? It was sort of like a mail order bride. Disgusting actually. And to speak so casually of raping him it was... well I did write Fanfiction about that, read it too, but... he wasn't a robot. This seemed kind of wrong to me.

Biting my lip, I continued along, wincing when more sex or rape was mentioned. Well, perhaps it would be okay as long as he consented to Russia... but if he didn't then...

I really didn't want to think about this. Not now. I coughed a little and grabbed Prussia's manual, intending to skim it over before Russia's. Just my luck if I caught a cold I supposed as I sniffed.

My eyes lingered on the possible professions for my idiotic Prussia. I wasn't sure how much money drinking would get him, and as far as model and band mate went there wasn't much call for either in the small town. However... perhaps I could bring up that he could perhaps get a job writing for the town newsletter or, hell, perhaps any online writing group. If he wanted to try journalism he could be my guest, but he'd likely need another job as well.

Most of this manual I'd read through already, as I'd said, so I mainly skimmed the remainder. The only other thing I made some effort to remember was that if ever Prussia lost his iron cross, I was to tell him to get off his lazy ass and find it. Not that I likely would've done anything else, but it was a good thing to remember to do in case I was in a generous mood that day and offered to get him a replacement for some reason. This in mind, I moved on to Russia's.

His jobs were less than intriguing to me. Sports and drinking obviously never interested me, and bodyguard, well, perhaps if I ever decided to try and use my book writing to become famous as my publisher wants (since it would mean more money for her as well) maybe that would be useful. As it was, he would have to find monitory sources elsewhere.

Moving on to removing him from the package, I supposed I could likely convince or trick Prussia into screaming about his awesomeness again. This would lead to his rape but... rape. Again with that. Geez, I didn't care before! Why should I now? No, if Russia wanted to rape Prussia, he could go ahead. He was a dick anyway. But... well for now I supposed China would be under whatever rape protection I could provide. If Russia coaxed him into it that's fine, but there will be no raping of the Asian. And if anyone beats him, it will be myself because he did something horrible like break my monitor again. I wondered briefly if I should actually take down the pictures from my ceiling or not. If I did, I could probably put them back up when my door lock arrived. Perhaps I would then, but later. For now I continued my reading.

Hmm... Sadistic mode concerned me. I, of course, would not be so stupid as to state I preferred beer to vodka, not liking either one myself, of course. Prussia, however, likely _would_ do something that stupid, and as the manual stated, Russia could become stuck in that mode _forever_ and would invoke his sadism on myself and the rest of the house. This was not a happy thought at all. I would have to talk to Prussia about that.

The rest of the manual was either uninteresting, or I knew as much already (such as that he was afraid of his sister and would not eat hamburgers) so after a moment I piled up the manuals and laid my head down against the cushion, closing my eyes and feeling Dudley shift against my back.

This was quite nice. Very quiet. Very peaceful.

"MEOW"

"Damn it Coco..." I groaned, tried to bury my head further into the cushion.

"MEOW"

"Shut uuuuup..." I moaned. I was so comfortable...

"MEEEEEEOOOOOOW"

"FINE!" I screamed, causing my dogs to jump and start barking. I yelled for them to shut up and glanced out the front window where there was still nothing but snow and trees to be seen. I checked my watch. It had been nearly four hours now, what was taking so long? How much work was it to buy a monitor for a computer? What if the police had caught them or something? Jesus...

I fed my cat without paying too much attention. It occurred to me a minute later that I was worried about them.

Oh shit. I was worried about fellow human... well... I was worried about them. China, although I still was pissed at him for smashing my monitor and demanding I remove porn from my ceiling, still made a killer plate of food which I would miss if they were lying in a ditch somewhere. Obviously if Little Russia was hurt that would just... of course Units apparently healed quickly if Little Russia's dog bite was any indication, still though. And Prussia... maybe I was a little concerned. But if I was it was because I wanted to see him have sex with Corey still, as well as with grown up Russia. I had a camera system now and everything!

If Panda-aru was dead in a ditch... well I can't say I'd be so upset about that.

I shook my head fiercely and marched back to the living room to stare out at the yard. As we were approaching Christmas, it was already starting to get dark out there. Only Prussia knew anything about the town, and that wasn't much knowledge. God... what had I done? Where _were_ they?

I had a horrid feeling gnawing at my stomach and replacing the peaceful feeling from before. God. Worry. I'd forgotten exactly what that felt like, having managed to avoid it so long by avoiding most news media and family phone calls. No news is good news they say but I knew that really, they should be back by now.

I couldn't stand just waiting here, but I had to be here in case they came back. I might've called Corey in town to ask where they were, but I didn't know his last name let alone his phone number. All I could do was wait for the police to call saying they found my credit card and a bunch of dead bodies in a dumpster. I would check my credit card information but obviously I had no computer monitor and I couldn't have a cell phone because in my teenage years my mom gave me the book Cell by Stephen King. Suffice to say, I did not wish to become a bird-like swarming zombie that bites off the ears of dogs. Not my poor puppies.

But at the moment, I wished that my Units had a cell phone because I was starting to wring my hands over this. I shivered. I needed something to take my mind off this, or make me happy... something.

I wasn't sure if this was bad judgement or inevitable since my mind was thinking of them at the time, but I ended up going upstairs into China's new designated room. Inside the various DVDs and electronics I owned were still piled in the middle of the floor, surrounded by plushies. I'd have to move those but for now I shifted through the DVDs and came up with seasons one and two of Hetalia: Axis Powers. I hurried back downstairs and peered hopefully out the ever-darkening window but there was nothing.

Feeling sick, I went to the front door and turned on the porch light. It flickered to light easily, and it occurred to me that I probably had only used it once in all the time I'd lived here, and that was because I had to meet the man who was going to appear in public for one of my pennames at a restaurant in town during the evening. That was nearly a year ago. Time flies.

I turned on the TV and popped the old DVD into the player. As the commercials that could not be skipped played on the screen (the one downside to anime DVDs, you could never skip the previews) I went to the kitchen and decided to pop myself some popcorn and grab a Pepsi. I liked Pepsi better than Coke, it tasted sweeter in my opinion. Grape Fanta was of course my favourite soda, it _was_ like drinking a Popsicle after all, but I didn't find it went well with popcorn.

As the popcorn continued to heat, I went back to the living room, turning habitually to look out the front window, (no dice) and pressed the play-all button. Say what you want, this was the one and only anime I actually preferred the dub to the sub. I only had two objections to it. One was the scene where Italy hugs Japan and while the Japanese had Japan insinuate that Italy had to marry him to take responsibility, FUNimation only had him express how awkward the hug was for him. Far less moe if you ask me. And the other was Russia's voice. Not that I found anything _wrong_ with it per say. It was still nice and creepy, and as voice acting goes it works with the series. But it sucked the innocent child quality right out of Russia, and that always killed me.

Still, for the most part, the dub struck me as funnier both for the accents and the additions made to the dialogue. So English it was for watching now. This said, I do love the Japanese as well, of course.

The popcorn dinged halfway through the first episode, but I didn't bother pausing as I ran to get the bag from the microwave. I'd seen it countless times before after all. When I laid myself back against the couch cushions once again to absorb myself in the peace of Hetalia-viewing, my dogs jumped up with me and began begging for my food. With a resigned sigh, I gave them each a small piece. By the second episode, Coco had leapt unto the top of the couch and was settled near my head, looking content. No clue where Kelly was, but she did tend to wander a lot and rarely sat with the rest of my pets.

As I munched the popcorn it crossed my mind that the only real food I'd eaten today was the Chinese stuff way earlier. The only reason I could think of for me not being so hungry was that my stomach was squeezing too much to feel it.

Still, I let myself be as distracted by the show as possible. Oh, I don't think I'd mentioned this yet, but the Units seem to speak with their Japanese voices, even if they're all speaking in English. It was a little strange to hear to be perfectly honest, but it did make me feel better about when Russia would arrive. Whenever that would be, I had no idea. The English voice just wasn't as awesome.

I finished the first season and they still weren't back. For the first time I wished desperately to leave the house and yet was terrified to do so at the same time. What if they called? What if they came back but couldn't get in? It was nearly 7:30pm for Christ's sake! In December, that means its pitch black out there, save from the moon reflecting off the snow. Okay... so a bit brighter than it could be. But still, this did not help alleviate my fears.

Suddenly a thought occurred to me. Jumping from my seat I hurried to the phone in the kitchen. I checked the list for recent calls.

There it was, gloriously written above my mother's name, the phone number of that Corey kid. Thank you God. No, honestly this time, thank you.

I hit the button to call and after ringing several times (I swear my blood pressure hitched with each dead ring) the line finally picked up.

"_Hello?_"

"Yes, er, is this Corey?" I asked with hesitation.

"_Nope, I would be his friend Derek. Who is this?_"

"Oh," I said with a frown, "Um, this is Pru- uh... Gilbert's landlord. He, er... he and my other tenants went to get a computer monitor in town earlier today and they've taken far longer to get back than I thought they would. Normally I wouldn't care of course, but one of the tenants is new to the area and one is a small child so I'm a bit, um, concerned. So I was hoping Corey had at least seen them today or something."

A laugh came from the other end of the phone. "_Oh he's seen them alright. He's in the bedroom with Gil right now. I swear to God I've never seen as much stamina in a guy as that Prussia has!_"

"Ye-aaaah..." I trailed off mid-reply. "P-Prussia?"

"_I know Hetalia kiddo. Corey doesn't, but I sure do. I'm assuming he's a Unit hmm?_"

"Yeah, you know about Units too, huh?" I said, feeling a bit sheepish. Then suddenly it clicks. "Wait a second, _PRUSSIA'S THERE?_" A wave of relief crashes over my body. "Oh thank God, what about the others?"

"_Others?_"

Worry was back. Oh God. "Y-yeah, he went out with three other tenants... well other Units I guess since you know about them. China, Panda-aru and Chibi Russia."

"_Panda-aru?_"

"China's giant panda friend. Kind of freaky looking."

"_Well he didn't mention anything. He just kind of turned up at the house while I was helping Corey fix his computer and asked if Corey wanted a fuck. He seemed pretty pissed actually. Did you want to talk to him?_"

"Obviously!" I huffed. No wonder they weren't back! Prussia was the only one who knew even a little about the area and he ditched them. What a wanker! Well... not a wanker if he was with Corey but... you get my point!

More laughter from the other end of the phone and footfalls were heard on tile as presumably Derek went to the bedroom. This theory was further emphasised as sounds of creaking bedsprings were heard punctuated by loud moans and a yelp or two.

No my hands! Away from breasts! Back!

"_Hey Gilbert!_" Derek's voice was a little distant, clearly not speaking into the receiver.

"_What?_" Prussia's voice was muffled, but distinctly his own.

"_Your mom's on the phone!_"

"NOT HIS MOM!" I yelled into the phone. More laughter. For the love of God... this is going to haunt me forever, wasn't it?

"_What? Oh, shit, what time is it?_" Well... at least he seemed surprised he was so late. Still though. I heard a softer reply, and assumed he was being told the time as a door was opened and Prussia's voice was suddenly much clear. "_It's Yao's fault!_"

"Really," I said, sounding sceptical.

"_Yeah! He's the one who got all pissed off because I tried shoving Ivan in a box and told him I was shipping him back to the Motherland- I was only joking!_ _Then he hits me with his damn wok and he was bossing me around, I'm older! And then someone thought his stupid panda was supposed to be at a children's birthday party and apparently I wasn't being helpful swearing in front of the kids and Yao screamed that he didn't need the awesome me so I left to have angry sex with Corey._"

"Damn it Gilbert! Where'd you leave them? You had better FIND them RIGHT NOW and come HOME before I drive into town and possibly commit homicide!"

I heard some chirping. Apparently Gilbird was with Prussia.

"_Er... it was... well they probably aren't even where I left them anymore!_"

"Gilbert, get Corey and Derek to help if you must, but you had better find them if you ever want to come home again," I said in a soft, deadly voice.

"_Mein gott... fine. Whatever. Bitch,_" Prussia sniffed.

"Remember to call when you find them, and... and be careful! It's dark, there are probably perverts out there so... so yeah," I finished lamely. There was a short silence on the other end.

_"... careful huh?"_

"Y-yeah," I said, my forehead furrowing, "Because, well, you're my Units right? If you want to get technical you're kind of my property. Like it or not, and I don't want you to get hurt! So just... just come home. Honestly, how does it take you six hours to find a computer monitor?"

"_It's a long story._"

"So I would imagine," I sighed, "Well go then, the less time wasted the better."

"_Okay, er, talk to you later._"

"Bye," I said, hanging up the phone. Well... Gilbert was safe at any rate. Still though... well at least someone was looking for them. I was still anxious, but it wasn't quite so bad now. Phone in hand, I popped season 2 into the DVD player and began watching again.

As I watched, I couldn't help but spend more time concentrating on China's character in the series. I would've concentrated on Prussia's as well, but he wasn't shown more than once or twice in Axis Powers. As I watched I have to admit I was recalling some old fondness for the character, which made the current lack of knowledge regarding his whereabouts even worse. And of course, Little Russia's absence wasn't helping either.

Which is all why when the phone rang during the episode where Japan, Germany and Italy asked the other countries how they celebrated Christmas, I nearly cried in utter joy as I paused the DVD and answered.

"Hello?" I asked before the other end could get a breath out.

"_Hello? Is this, er, Mother Russia-aru?_"

"China? Yeah, um, well no I'm not Mother Russia but I am who you think I am so-"

_"I said you could call me Yao-aru, it's okay! Oh, and we... w-we... we seem to have lost Prussia-aru,"_ I could almost hear the wince in his words.

"It's okay, he's alive, he was at Corey's house but I sent him to find you. Just stay somewhere he can find you alright? When you're all together, give me another call and come home alright? And when you do, you had better have a DAMN GOOD reason for staying out so long!"

_"Eeah! Um, yes aru... I'm sorry aru!"_

"Yeah, yeah, okay, bye," I said with a sigh, hanging up the phone. Thank god. They were all still alive. I could just cry.

Then the doorbell rang. My head jerked up. The hell, they couldn't possibly be back already. I got up from my seat as my dogs scampered to the door, barking their heads off as per usual.

I tugged open the door and my eyes widened. Well. This was unexpected.

"Er... hello Mr. Delivery-Person," I said blankly looking at the Unit Co man, behind him a large crate.

"Hey," he said with a smile. His eyes nearly sparkled too. How odd.

"Oh! So you brought Russia," I said suddenly in understanding. Though... I strangely wasn't feeling excited over it. I'd chalk it up to the unexpectedness and having spent the last few hours worrying over my other units.

"Nope!"

"No?" I said, eyes narrowing, "What do you mean _no_?"

"I _mean_, that we don't currently have any Russia Units in stock," he continued to smile. This smile ended when I punched him in the face. "_HOLY SHIT LADY WHAT THE HELL_?" he screamed, clutching his face. I grabbed his shirt, yanked him to face me fully and glared into his eyes.

"What. Is. That. Supposed. To. Mean?"

"I-it means... w-well I-I guess we could have one shipped to us from overseas, they sell English speaking models there too, I- er, i-it just costs more and-"

"Get one," I hissed.

"Er... I brought you America as a replacement! But um... I guess I c-could talk to my supervisor and... and yeah I could probably get you a Russia Unit... eventually... it might take about a month though so..." the man bit his lip.

"What's your name?" I asked suddenly.

"Huh? Oh, er, it's Wes," the guy blinked.

"Well Wes. I appreciate the thought, and as much as I like Russia/America pairings, my life is chaotic enough now without a super strong hamburger crazed moron fucking things up more. I don't want it," I said, glancing at the box.

"Well... here, at least have a look at the manual! If you don't like how it functions I'll take him back now, alright?" Wes looked at me pleadingly. I quirked an eyebrow. "Okay look, I'll admit I kind of suck at this whole delivery thing."

"Understatement, go on," I said, taking the manual but not yet looking at it.

"But I really, really need this job. My dad's sick, and my mom's already got three jobs, if I get another complaint that I fucked up a delivery I'm fired, okay? So please, I swear to god I will get you Russia just please don't tell my supervisor!"

I sucked in my cheeks and glared at him. "Then don't fuck up next time," I growled and finally looked at the manual.

It read: **MATHEW WILLIAMS: User's Guide and Manual**

"I thought you said this was America?" I asked, though I admit I wasn't upset by this in the slightest. After all, Canada was one of the few sane characters in Hetalia and I could do with some sanity right now.

"I- oh," Wes glanced at the manual upside down. "I guess not. Sorry."

"No don't worry, if it's Canada I'll take him. Bring him in," I said, standing back and watching Wes push the crate into the house. I helped him make it the last few inches so I could close the door faster, the cold air sucked.

"Okay, so you're good? I have to ship out, and I will get to work on Russia right away, I'm totally serious about needing this job," and he looked dead serious. Though I was unsure if he really needed it because of the reasons he stated.

"Alright, good luck with that, I'm serious that if I don't at least get a status update on where my Russia Unit might be by the end of the year I will lynch you," and I looked dead serious. Wes frowned.

"Right, well... bye then..." he said awkwardly, leaving through the front door. It seemed anti-climatic to me, but not all of life came equipped with a proper punch line. Now I looked at the crate in front of me.

Well, I was still waiting on that call saying my Units were coming home, so I decided to read over this new manual before I even thought about releasing Canada. Even if he was sane, I didn't want to be caught off guard by something as weird as Prussia's random pink apron or Panda-aru.

The first thing I noticed as I sat in the living room and looked over the first page was that he came with a Kumajiro unit. Finally! A country with a pet I found truly adorable, unlike that pesky bird and creepy panda, Kumajiro always gave me moe giggles. That was all good then.

Once again, his potential jobs all seemed a little fanciful. Hockey player? Secret Agent? Blackmailer? However, if Switzerland running an ice cream parlour was any indication, they could get normal jobs as well. And would have to soon, because I was getting a little terrified at how big the bill was going to be if I need to buy food, clothes, furniture, alcohol and whatever else was needed to run a household with five people and seven animals if I had to pay for it with my budget alone. Good god, how was I going to buy any anime merchandise at all? This just sucked.

As for getting him out of the box, that seemed like it would be easy enough. I could just sing the national anthem, or speak the very little French I remembered from grade nine and he'd be happy as a clam, nothing to it. I could of course insist he apologize for Justin Bieber because someone needs to apologize for that guy. Honestly, he's twenty six years old now and looks and sounds exactly as he did at age sixteen. I swear he's either a robot or a eunuch. But that really wouldn't be fair to Mattie, since he wasn't _really_ the country of Canada. The national anthem it would be then.

The modes didn't seem too bad. In fact, unlocking French and MANADA might even be fun later. Much later of course, after things had calmed down around here a little. I hoped to god they would soon. I mean, today was pretty peaceful but I was starting to think I didn't want to know what happened when the other countries were out...

Ah here we go, relationships with other units.

Prussia/Canada pairings. I forgot all about those! How could I? Holy Moses... oh but Prussia has Corey so maybe he won't... unless maybe if they were drunk...

"Woah there, hold the evil cackles in for now girl," I chortled to myself and continued reading. One thing I noticed was that now I had three units who uke-d for Russia. Was I somehow collecting a harem for him? If I was then... god I'm a terrible person. I was still going to get him though, and let him sex up whoever he wanted, as long as he got consent first- that was important! No rape unless he makes them want it! Or yells surprise...

So Canada could cook well too. This was good; he could be in charge of breakfast since I didn't want Chinese three times a day. The bit about waking him up leading to pain seemed a little unexpected, but I figured I was usually asleep well past dawn anyway, and I wasn't going to wake him up for no good reason.

The FAQ was pretty standard fare. I didn't think I'd forget Canada; he was too cute for such a thing. If he wanted to make hash brownies he could go ahead as long as I or Little Ivan didn't accidently eat them. And I knew about the curl, obviously, and I'll leave the tugging of it to more seme-ing male Units thank you.

The only things that concerned me were the trouble-shooting instructions. I didn't need a tiny Canada that only spoke French, which would only be a pain and another kid to traumatize. And Cracked mode didn't sound good. Still, if I kept him happily within notice, that shouldn't be much of a problem, right?

Oh God tell me I didn't just jinx that.

Suddenly the phone rang again. My heart sped up a moment as I answered. After a quick conversation with Prussia and China yelling at each other over control of the phone and screaming that it was all the other's fault, it was announced by the voice of Panda-aru that they were coming home. I shivered and hung up. That voice was less creepy when I didn't see it coming from the panda's mouth, but imagining it was still uncomfortable to say the least.

Turning to the box at hand, I decided to start things up.

"_Oh Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love, in all our sons command! With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the true north strong and free! From far and wide oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee!"_

Now I have to tell you, I'm nothing that could win American Idol or Britain's Got Talent, but my voice is none too shabby; which is why it confused me when I received no response from the box.

_"God keep our land, glorious and free! Oh Canada we stand on guard for thee! Oh Canada we stand on guard for thee!"_

By the end, I still heard nothing from the crate.

"Well that's a bit of a sticky wicket," I mused rather Britishly.

"HEY IGGY! Is that you?" the loud response came as the lid of the crate flew up and cracked my ceiling. Again. Seriously, this must be causing structural damage at this point, one day it would cave in I swear. But that was not the issue. Oh no, the issue here was that I had not received Canada, I had received America as Wes had said originally.

Only the fucktard had _GIVEN ME THE WRONG MANUAL_.

So I had no idea what to expect, and not a clue what to do.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Oh, you're not Iggy! Are you British then? Is that why you're smacking your head off the wall like that? Arthur does that sometimes when I talk so yeah. ANYWAY, nice place you got here! Ceiling's a bit cracked though, oh hey is that SNOW outside? Looks deep too. So do you live in the Northern States? Or... hey do you live in Canada? Is that why you were singing that lame sappy song before? Weird. Hey, you're hitting your head even harder! Doesn't that hurt?"

Yes it hurt. I was hoping to knock myself unconscious again. It wasn't working. Instead I slumped into the living room and hit play on the DVD. More Hetalia. Other countries. Please God tell me why this had to happen. I only wanted some sanity.

"Oh hey... this is that show! The one with me in it! That's so cool!" America leapt onto the couch beside me and immediately had my dogs sniffing his legs. "Oh look doggies! There're so cute! Only they're not real, manly dogs like golden retrievers, kind of like old lady lap dogs. Hey, how old are you anyway? I'm nineteen myself, physically anyway. But I'm strong, I can take on anything, you can count on me grandma, cause I'M THE HERO!"

"Wh-wha-WHAT? Grandma? I'm only twenty eight!" I said indignantly, show on the screen forgotten.

"Ooooh, um..." America paused, "Mom then?"

"WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?" I screamed as the front door opened and China, Prussia, Little Russia and Panda-aru walked inside, the first two still bickering until they saw America. And by saw, I mean America jumped up and ran over to them talking at a speed I would've assumed was reserved for supersonic jets. I was hoping to rant at them myself but America seemed to have exhausted me.

"Wh-what? Slow down-aru!" China held his hands up and looking over at me with wide eyes.

"Er... America Unit... came a little while ago. They gave me the wrong manual too," I said, holding up Canada's manual and feeling rather dejected I might add.

"Why an America Unit?" Prussia asked, deciding to try to ignore the bespectacled blonde nattering away.

"Apparently it'll take longer to get Russia here than originally though, so this is some twisted form of compensation I guess. Oh, did you get my computer monitor?" I asked suddenly. China nodded and gestured to Panda-aru who was holding a box. Little Russia ran over and reached up for a hug, to which I obliged.

When he was next to my ear, he whispered, "I do not like that American pig. May I make him bleed?"

"Um, no Ivan, that's discouraged," I said, trying to laugh off my chills. Was this psycho behaviour normal or was Ivan getting corrupted by living in this house? I wondered... dear lord. "Well Panda-aru, just, um... just go put it in my room. And while you're there... you may as well take my pics off the ceiling too. Put them in a pile so I can put them away when I get there."

"Sure," Panda-aru shrugged and left. I suddenly noticed that America was poking me in the shoulder rather hard.

"Okay, what do you want?" I sighed in resignation.

"I'm hungry! Let's go to McDonalds!" America said cheerfully.

"No way. That will cost a fortune the way you eat," I grimaced.

"No prob!" America yanked out a piece of plastic and waved it in my face. I looked at it. Huh, an unlimited for lifetime supply of McDonalds food. Well that was useful.

"Not going to town tonight," I said sternly. America turned on full puppy dog eyes with tears and everything. Luckily I'd seen that episode where he suckered Japan into paying for his Christmas party enough times to resist it. "_No_ Al, not happening."

"No faaaaaair!" America wailed, going to sulk like a child. For fuck's sake...

The rest of the evening passed in a blur. I managed to hook up my computer and couldn't help but feel weird that my ceiling was so... white. Pure looking. It seemed wrong to me. Still, a quick look into the kitchen where Prussia was poking Ivan's cheek, getting hit with a flying wok and being laughed at by America told me the surveillance system was working so that was good at least. I closed the system window and turned off the new monitor. It wasn't bad, a full three centimetres bigger than my old one. I then went on Amazondotcom and with a sigh ordered up yet another single bed. I could just forget buying any new manga or anime next year I guessed. Any at all. It was take a miracle to afford all this I swear to god...

I returned to the kitchen feeling rather dismal and announced that for the night, China should sleep in Little Russia's bed if that would be okay (he agreed readily) and America should sleep on the couch in the living room. He asked if he could use the TV. I said sure as long as it wasn't too loud. With a grin he ran to use the plasma screen and immediately found the movie Die Hard playing for the yuletide season.

According to China, the group had eaten while they were out at some point or other, so it wasn't long before Little Russia yawned widely and China scooped him up and carried him to bed. I sighed and looked at Prussia, who had brought a journal to the kitchen and was scribbling furiously until a moment ago, but at my gaze he seemed to decide to disappear to the basement once more.

A quick look at the living room saw America enjoying the last of the popcorn I'd left sitting aside and laughing loudly at each explosion. Well, as long as he was happy I supposed. I glanced at the clock and learned it was only 9pm, so when I got back to my room I actually managed to get another several pages written up before I made my way to bed at midnight, stared at the ceiling, and felt some more resentment toward China for insisting I remove my pornography. Who was he to tell me what to do? What a little bitch.

Which is of course where I am now. You're all caught up. Here I am, in a rather peaceful state, except for some resentment toward China. I suppose tomorrow I should really ask what they were doing today for all those hours. It should be somewhat interesting at least. For now, I suppose I'll just get some well earned sleep.

Why do I hear my door opening...?

"Um, hey," some shuffling of feet. I turn my head to see America shaking in the doorway, clutching a teddy bear. Where he'd found a teddy bear I couldn't say, it might've been in the crate with him I supposed.

I mumble something obscene before responding properly. "Yes, okay, what do you want?"

"Um, so, I finished Die Hard, and that was cool, but then I was changing channels and I saw A Haunting in Connecticut and I watched it because it's American and that's always cool! But now I... I..." and now he was sobbing. Shit. "Can I sleep with you so the ghosts don't get me?"

If I had the energy to scream right now I would. I really would. But I'm too drained to fight right now. "Fine. Come on then," I move over as far as my single bed would allow and America wastes no time slamming my door shut and jumping into the bed with me, pulling the covers up to his nose and cowering into my chest, clutching at my overly-large t-shirt I used as pyjamas. And now I'm frightfully aware at how pants-less I am at the moment. Shit.

"Um, hey, what's your name?" America asks suddenly, looking up with wide eyes. I realise he's still wearing his glasses.

"Idiot, don't wear those to bed, you'll break them," I mutter, snatching them from his face and folding them before setting them beside mine on the bedside table. When I turn back the Unit is asleep. What the hell, he asked a question... whatever.

Strangely, I think I'm forgetting about the bare ceiling as I fall asleep, my nose practically inhaling America's silly little fringe of Nantucket.

_((Joyful Note: I feel like I took too long posting this and I'm sorry. Still though, I don't think I did too badly. 27 pages. Very nice. And America is here, so even more FUCKING INSANITY. So next chapter, I'm planning to do something of an OMAKE of the Units day out in town and what exactly took them so long anyway. Which means, NOT MY CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW. Nope. Not certain at this second if I'll do it all China's view, all Prussia's view, or if I'll switch it up between. Not sure if I'll detail Prussia's sexy time with Corey (if I do, rating will be bumped to M, how would people feel about that? I don't mind personally, I'll add it in if it's requested) but I hope it will be good. I'll work hard! Hope you're all happy!_

_... god I have a lot of little things going on here. Prussia's relationship, his frustration of being a clone, my character's problem with her dad I'm trying to build on a little, Unit Co and its shipping difficulties... damn. This is going to be one huge fucker of a story when I'm done, eh? Heh.))_


	6. Prussia's Omake

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 6: OMAKE ~ Prussia's Awesomeness is Fucking Awesome and Asians Just Can't Fucking Appreciate It**

_((Joyful Note: I know what you're thinking. 'WHERE WERE YOU FOR SO LONG?' Well I'll tell you. I had to write 2 essays, prepare for 2 presentations AND study for exams, plus regular school and work, plus planning my birthday party. BTW, I am now 19. Also, I know I shoved out a bunch of one shots but... THEY DONT LEAVE ME ALONE UNTIL I WRITE THEM. And, and, I have to work every bloody weekend... This time next year I will be living out on my own! Phht, I feel all old and stuff. Anyway, here we go! OMAKE HERE WE COME! Also... take note of that rating gentle lady. M. Consider that all the warning you'll ever get in this story. Even if right now it isn't as sexy as you would like... later it definitely will be.))_

_((Joyful Note II: It took a FECKING LONG TIME to figure out how to write this omake. I had to pick a point of view, figure out how to tell it, gah. Well I just hope it works out... APPRECIATE MY HARD WORK DAMN IT! Because writing as Prussia ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME. I mean I know that he makes the most sense to do a POV from but... god I really REALLY detest Prussia. I mean I love him as a Hetalia character in all the wackiness but... he just... I don't like him as a protagonist. Which is why he's in this story as a protagonist. I mean I NEED to give myself some foils or this will turn all wish-fulfilly Mary Suey and THAT WOULD RIP OUT MY HEART. And although this should be obvious, I will inform you that the following journal entry would have been written in German originally and if we were silly and assumed this was a factual account, we could call this a translation even with the occasional German work. So with that...))_

Dec. 14, 2020 (Monday 1am because I'm way too **awesomely pissed off** to sleep right now)

I was so cool today! But no one else was. Well maybe Corey, and Gilbird obviously, but that's it. I swear this is completely un-awesome! How the fuck was I supposed to know that stupid Russian midget wouldn't like being held upside down over the bathtub? Sure it was full of water and had a hairdryer sitting in it (while it was plugged into the wall kesesesese) I didn't deserve a fucking wok smashed into the side of my face! I wasn't _really_ going to drop him; I was just showing him who the awesome boss was!

_Fuck_ this stings. Damn it. Stupid Asian... thank god I'm a Unit or else that would bruise like a motherfucker. Where the hell is Gilbird? I've got to rant about today or I'm gonna fucking explode. Well I guess I have my journal here but that isn't the same as the awesome little fluff ball. I don't know, he hasn't been around much since he figured out the vent system in the basement can get outside. I have no fucking clue how he can stand the fucking FREEZING temperature out there but then again I guess he's just awesome like that. I'd be awesome like that too if it didn't remind me of that rapist Russian who I was dangling over the tub earlier. I mean sure it was his kid self but he probably deserves it since he's so damn creepy.

Seriously, I don't know how anyone could stand that creepy piece of communist trash! He's got that weird innocent smile that he gives just before knocking you unconscious with his water pipe and then you wake up to him shoving himself inside you and _giggling_ over it. Fucking _giggling_ like a five year old! I swear to gott every time I hear that kid upstairs laugh I keep getting flashbacks and I just... I mean you'd want to get revenge anyway you could too right? I mean why not? It's not like I'd stand a chance getting revenge on the full grown version so you take what you can get.

But seriously, how anyone likes that un-awesome Red I'll never know. Yet for SOME reason, he's one of the number one sellers at Unit Co.! Hell, even the geeky bitch upstairs is trying her best to get him here so she can, I don't know, jump him or something. Or watch him jump me. Seriously, what the hell, why would anyone EVER want to watch that EVER? Gott what a freak... EVERYONE knows the Great Prussia should always top in any relationship!

Anyway, I GUESS I should rant about today since that's what I wanted to do anyway but I got sidetracked again by the impending RAPE that freak upstairs is planning for me. WELL MEIN GOTT WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT THAT WOULD DISTRACT ME? Gott I am way too awesome for this...

Okay so this morning I was completely hung over after my totally awesome date with Corey. Seriously, that guy is adorable, especially when his face is drenched in my cum. Kesesese... oh but I'll get into that later. So I wake up and my head's pounding for some reason my back hurts, and I hear the doorbell ring upstairs and those stupid mutts running around barking. I bury my head under the pillow and wait for it to be over but it's hard because I swear to gott you can hear every damn footstep through the ceiling like fucking tap dancing elephants or something. I mean I knew that bitch (who, yeah, has no name STILL I don't even know what the hell she's doing not mentioning it, it makes no sense AT ALL. I mean I can't help but feel like I know it just like at the back of my head since it was programmed in before shipping but I can't access it unless she fucking TELLS me) and that creepy little Russia Unit were up for a while before that but at least they were kind of quiet.

But yeah, finally the dogs shut up and I heard some mumbling voices. I knew one was the geeky bitch. I groaned and pulled the blankets over my awesome head and hoped to Gott it wasn't Russia being delivered because that sure as hell wouldn't help my headache. I think that was when I noticed I wasn't wearing a shirt and I started wondering how I ended up in bed at all. The last thing I remembered was stumbling into Corey's house while making out and a couple of things before that... things got fuzzy at some point...

Oh right, and then there was this un-awesome scraping noise that I swear split my head in half and I guess that was probably the crate because ten minutes later there was a loud thud, voices, and then a really loud screaming over something being cute which was obviously that stupid Asian with how he kept ending his sentences with that dumb 'aru' noise.

After a while of listening to that, I got pissed off and jumped out of bed (and if I slid on a stray shirt and landed on my ass I totally meant to do that because it's just a part of my endless awesome) I pulled on a shirt (not the one I totally definitely did not slip on) and went upstairs to tell the dumb Asian to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

When I got up to the kitchen the first thing I see is that Russian brat pulling some Pop Tarts out from a cupboard. Obviously I had no idea those were there or else they would be gone already but whatever, I grabbed the kid, threw him in the oven and was going to go all be cool and tell him that all Pop Tarts and anything else awesome was to be delivered straight to the Awesome Me on sight, but then that stupid Asian came out of nowhere and smacked me over the head with his un-awesome wok.

That's when things got totally cool because I went all Teutonic Knights on his ass and threw punches and kicks and he swung his wok and it was extremely awesome (at least from my side). I think we ended up in the living room and I heard the phone ring but I figured the bitch would get it and call me if it was Corey so I just kept beating the crap out of Yao. (Any hits he might have got on me were just lucky hits or else I let him hit me so he would think I was slightly less awesome so I could catch him off guard with something REALLY awesome, like a Super Prussia Headbutt! Kesesese)

I could see the Russian brat giggling on the couch and dropping pop tart crumbs on the cushions. I hoped the bitch would get pissed at him for once but next thing I know there she is, not even looking at the kid making a mess and only looking at _me_ making a mess of that Asians stupid FACE. (Though I admit I'm pretty damn awesome and cool to look at so maybe I'll forgive her just this one time.)

And then I was about to dodge Yao's wok again but the bitch walks right in the middle telling us to quit fighting and obviously went right into the line of fire. Yao's face when she hit the floor was priceless! He was all "Oh no aru! Oh no aru! Is she alright aru? I didn't mean to aru!" or something like that. It was kind of annoying but his face was hilarious so whatever.

Anyway so she's out for a good ten or twenty seconds and we all just sort of look at her. I don't know what we're supposed to do, it's not like there was a class on this at Unit Co or anything. Okay _maybe_ there was but I sure as hell don't remember it, since it probably wasn't cool or awesome enough for the awesome me to attend. But anyway, I was sure she'd wake up so I wasn't worried at all obviously, but Yao was freaking out and that Russian brat was looking all scared and weak as usual. It's weird he looks so weak as a kid when it's obvious he's got major strength when he actually tries but I guess he's just trying to lull us into a false sense of security or something. Well I'm not falling for it damn it!

So yeah the bitch wakes up _finally_ and looks at us like we have six heads. Kesese, maybe she got a concussion and she really saw six heads. That'd be hilarious! So Mini Russia is all "_OMG IS SHE OKAY I'M A PSYCHOPATH SOMEONE SHOVE ME IN A BLENDER" _and Yao's all "_OMG FORGIVE ME LORD AND MASTER FOR I HAVE SINNED AND STUFF WITH MY STUPID ASIAN COOKING UTENSILS"_ But I was super cool and told her that she was stupid for walking in front of where Yao was swinging his wok. She didn't answer or glare at me though so I guess maybe she didn't hear me or whatever.

So then she tries to sit up and falls back down again. I would've laughed but she kinda looked really pathetic and not in a good way. Then she asks for the phone and I guess she had been talking on one when she came in but I didn't really pay attention because like I care who she's talking to. Mini Russia goes and grabs it and she redials and listens for a second before apologizing about dropping the phone or something uninteresting like that so I tuned her out and started noticing that my hangover seemed beaten out of me when about ten seconds later the bitch stands up all huffy and dramatic and tells us she's going to work on her novel all day and not have us bother her. I... didn't know she was writing a novel. That's weird. Is that her job then? I thought she ran porn websites or something. Gott I never want to read whatever novels she writes. Yech.

So she storms out leaving me in the living room with those uncool losers. How lame. Then Yao looks all pissed off at me for some reason so I asked him what his damn problem was.

"So what's your directive-aru? Being an ass? Because that's what you're doing!" Which obviously I rolled my eyes to because obviously that Russian brat is one thousand times the ass I am.

So I tell him, "That bitch never gave me a directive, she didn't want me in the first place. I guess she wants my directive now to be 'let Russia rape me when he gets here' but like hell I'm letting that happen." Then Yao's eyes are suddenly huge and he starts hyperventilating and asks if I think he's supposed to get raped by Russia too. Well... I guess thinking about yeah, that's probably what's going to happen, so I say as much and Yao's eyes suddenly go all dead and we both turn to look at Mini Russia smiling up at us from the ground.

"_I love you China!" _is what he says in Russian. Yao picks that up too and shudders slightly before swallowing. Well good, I was glad the stupid Asian finally got why I keep trying to show the brat who was in charge.

But then he goes and says, "But even so, I am directly to be this boy's guardian-aru. If that is my job, I will not allow myself to be distracted by personal feelings. And besides-aru, he is at least much cuter like this." Then he smiled and gave Mini Russia a hug. I made an awesome retching noise and got Yao glaring at me over Mini Russia's shoulder but the brat just started giggling. Damn it, why couldn't that stupid bitch order a Unit that's actually cool? Like maybe another me... but a female me because there's no way I'm sharing a house with someone who looks identical to me! Anyway yeah, so then I take off and decide that if the bitch's gone all reclusive again and those other guys are going to be lame I might as well explore the house some more.

I've already pretty much figured out the basement. Mostly it's this big space at the bottom of the stairs full of random junk, most of it is dusty or broken like that one laptop. I tried using it even though the screen was cracked but the battery was dead and I couldn't find a power cable anywhere. I'm still looking but there's literally so much stuff you can't move without falling over something. And then from there there's about six or seven rooms branching off from it. Three of them are as full of stuff as the room at the bottom of the stairs. It's weird, because in one of the rooms I saw a bunch of Japanese stuff that actually looked pretty nice and I wondered why she didn't want them to decorate the rest of her house because it looks almost barren in the rooms she actually uses. I don't get it. But anyway, one of the rooms down there I guess is the laundry room, and she has a bathroom down there, but that's pretty full as well. I don't know why she put stuff in the bathroom since there's a room down there with nothing in it at all, but that one's furthest from the door so I guess she was too lazy to go all the way over there to dump stuff. I don't know. My room was empty too when I got here, but I've moved her old bedroom set in there now at least. It's kind of girly but at least it looks more like a room now and less like a Russian prison. And yeah, she still probably hasn't even thought about getting me a door for my room yet. Which is totally un awesome, especially if she tries moving anybody else down here because I don't need anybody touching the Great Prussia's stuff!

And I guess I know the first floor pretty well now. Like I said, it's kind of barren which is weird because it seems like it's the only floor she really uses. The front hall is kind of in the middle of the house and both staircases (one to the second floor and one to the basement) are right behind it (even though the staircase to the basement opens in from the kitchen). The front hall has a long closet, but that's pretty much it. Going in from the front door, the kitchen's on the right hand side. It's pretty small in comparison to the rest of the house I guess, it doesn't even have an island, just a string of cupboards, a dishwasher, sink, stove, microwave (the Ruski's already been introduced to that! Kesesese) and then there's a small table with two chairs off to one side. I don't know why there's two chairs since I can't see anyone being friends with that reclusive bitch but whatever.

On the left of the hall's the living room. Even that doesn't have much in it, just a big corner couch in the middle with a couple of end tables and her big screen TV. If there were some paintings or vases or something it could look nice in there, but for some reason all that stuff is stacked in the basement or maybe upstairs in some of the rooms I didn't look in. I have no fucking idea how a person can own so much stuff and have such bare walls everywhere.

Both the kitchen and living room open up to a hallway at the back of the house, and there's literally nothing in that hallway. Branching off is a little closet with some bath towels in it, a bathroom, and the tiny room she sleeps in. I think it's supposed to be a study but somehow she crammed a single bed in there beside the desk with her computer on it. And the ceiling it covered in yaoi hentai. Some of it with torture devices. Seriously, this chick could be a psychopath, which probably explains why she wants Russia so damn badly. What a freak.

Anyway, that mostly left the second floor. I'd already been up there once and seen a couple of rooms, but I figured that this was as good a time as any to check out the rest of it, since I'm just that awesome. So I climbed the stairs and was faced by another pretty much empty hallway, except for one of the bitch's cats sitting at the end of it. It was the fat calico one with the big yellow eyes. It was glaring at me from the dark end of the hall so I ran at it while growling. It ran away and I laughed because no cat is a match for the Awesome Me! Kesesesesesesese...

But anyway, I started by opening the door directly across from the stairs I hadn't bothered opening the last time. Good thing too, since I had to close it right away to stop a pile of stuff from falling on me. Seriously, how the FUCK do you fill a room that full? This packrat psychopathic... yech.

The room next to it I opened for a second before closing again. There were sunflowers freaking EVERYWHERE so I assumed that was where she was storing the Russian brat. Damn that guy, now I couldn't even look at sunflowers without thinking of that huge mass lumbering at me from nowhere and- well you know so...

Anyway! The room next to that I didn't bother with since I already knew it was full of creepy plushies and dolls so I moved on to the last room on the left hand side. I peered in and saw yet another bedroom, this one seemed mostly empty save for some boxes of what looked like clothes. I pulled one out and nearly dropped it in disgust- it was a Japanese school girl sailor suit. I mean, maybe it could be sexy on the right person, but the idea of that bitch trying it on and posing was just... urg... I mean she'd throw a fit for me saying it but that would be like seeing your mom wearing that kind of thing. Just kind of _wrong_. And uncool. And unawesome. A quick look at the rest of the boxes made me believe that this was where she kept her cosplays. Creepy.

Across the hall was another bedroom, this and the one next to it didn`t have much in them either, just random junk piled up. Then there was a closet with more bath towels and an upstairs bathroom. This one wasn`t full of junk like mine though. Fucking lucky Russian brat was too precious to have to clear it out himself I guess. Damn it.

Anyway, that left one room to the left of the stairs and I didn`t really expect to find anything cool or awesome in there either since I hadn`t found anything yet, but I have to admit the bitch kind of surprised me. Cause in there... well... it was cool. There were swords freaking EVERYWHERE. I swear to Gott, there were hunting knives and daggers with ornate handles and broadswords and long swords and shuriken stars and axes and samurai swords and I even saw a couple of shields and a mace... it was like a weapons factory in there! Though I guess when I went in and actually looked not many of them were good quality, I don`t think any were even sharp... but they were still pretty cool to look at.

How someone as uncool as that bitch could have a cool hobby like weapon collecting I have no idea but I guess she thought they looked pretty or something stupid like that. The Awesome Me was still bored so I went back down to my room to see if Gilbird was around. I found him sleeping on my bedpost and poked him in the side until he finally woke up. Seriously, Gilbird is awesome but he sleeps like a log. Anyway, he gives me this little glare and I guess I can't blame him because first he's awesomely cute and second I think he didn't get much sleep that night anyway but whatever I was bored and the house was full of losers except for him!

So I said, "Hey Gilbird, have a good sleep?" And Gilbird chirps that I was an asshole for waking him up. Which is completely unfair because I was only gifting him with my awesome presence and he should really be _thanking_ me, but he's so cute when he's pissed that I was able to forgive him. _This_ time.

"I'm bored, let's do something!" and maybe I whined but seriously that's the ONLY way to make Gilbird hang out sometimes, especially when he just woke up. He glared a bit more but finally sighed and chirped in agreement. "Awesome!" So Gilbird flew up and perched on my head as I started looking around the basement for something to do. I dug around in one of the storage rooms for a while and found a super old Battle Ship game. I guess if there's anything to be said for the geeky bitch, at least she doesn't lose game pieces since there was still all the little pegs and ships in the boxes.

"Let's play Battleship!" I told Gilbird, and he sighed again but chirped consent. We went back to my room and sat on the bed, Gilbird flying across from me as I opened his Battleship station for him. He began grabbing ships with his beak to set up while I concocted a super awesome battle strategy of my own. Sure, some people would say it was cheating to move your ships around whenever the opponent was going to hit one, but I'm awesome enough to know that any strategy is good, even 'cheating' ones, as long as you don't get caught doing it!

So after beating Gilbird three times in a row he got all huffy and refused to play anymore, which I don't get because I only did about a quarter of my victory dance both times because I didn't want to offend him. That was kind of un-awesome of him, but he was cute and fluffy, so I forgave him again. Then I was feeling kind of hungry so I decided to go get some food in the kitchen. When I was climbing the stairs I started smelling something really good and when I opened the door I saw Yao at the stove making Chinese food and mein Gott it smelled good! I had no idea where the fuck he got ingredients for it, hell they could've just burst out of his magical wok but I didn't care, that stuff looked awesome! There were noodles, bean sprouts, green onions and stir fried beef... I think Yao told me it was called 'Beef chow fun' or something weird like that, but it tasted as awesome as it looked. Not as good as wurst made by me of course! But, even if he's a stupid Asian he can at least cook.

I don't think Yao liked me just grabbing a fork and eating it out of the wok, but since he was using his wok to cook he hit me with the spoon instead so it didn't hurt that much. I did burn my tongue a little on the food I swiped though.

So I whined at him until he gave in and handed me a plate. I passed Mini Russia shovelling food in his mouth at the table and sent him an evil grin as I went to the living room. He cowered at me. That felt great, I love watching that brat freak out because of me, fucking deserves it...

Anyway I switched on the tube and started watching some awesome cartoon show about these kids and a platypus, I don't remember what it was called, but it was awesome. After about a minute the geeky bitches dogs jump up on the couch with me. At least they're cute, but they're really unmanly. Dogs should be more butch, but whatever, they curled up on either side of the awesome me. (For some reason Gilbird didn't like sharing and flew off somewhere) But then I hear someone walking behind me and I turn and see this FUCKING HUGE PANDA walking behind the couch to the kitchen. And then when it GETS there, it starts telling Yao that he'd given the 'young lady' her food. By 'young lady' I guess he means the geeky bitch but... he was talking. And like, not all cute talking like Gilbird but TALKING LIKE SOME FUCKING ACTUAL GUY and that was ... fucking ... creepy. And he was in the kitchen, so I couldn`t even run by him and hide in my room from his obvious unawesome radioactive freakiness!

S-so I... now don't you dare judge me but I ran to hide in the bitch's room! I mean yeah she's fucking annoying and all but I figured if she encountered that monster and lived through it maybe her insane bitchiness would scare it away again if it came back for blood ne? Anyway, so I pretty much slam open her bedroom door and the dogs run in past me because I guess they were terrified of the huge monster panda too. (I think I dinted her wall when the door opened but she probably deserved it so whatever, I'm too awesome to care about that)

I slammed the door shut again behind me and saw the bitch staring at me from her computer chair, hugging her little black dog with the beige one at her feet. She looked kind of surprised to see me so I calmly told her that there was a giant panda in the kitchen _talking_. And if my voice was shaking which it DEFINITELY WASN'T I blame the mutant pandas because those should not exist. The bitch bit her lip and looked concerned so at least she wasn't a total idiot and didn't know an obvious threat to the peace when she saw one. She made some nervous laughter and agreed that he was OUTRAGOUSLY creepy, which is good because it's bad enough she won't admit Russia is a creepy bastard, if she was on the side of the panda thing too I'd think she was insane! Well, she still is insane but... more insane! Way WAY more insane!

So then she asks, "Why didn't you go hide in your own room?"

Now obviously I wasn't going to tell that bitch that I was too afraid to run past the bear to the basement stairs because the Awesome Me is not afraid of anything, and shows no weakness! But luckily I quickly came up with the fact that the bitch STILL hasn't given me a door for my bedroom.

So then I say, "I'm not going to stand at the top of the basement steps holding onto the doorknob you know, I'm too-" and the bitch CUTS ME OFF and finishes my 'awesome for that' line, which I obviously glared at her for because it's not fair that she interrupts my awesome catchphrase!

So then she says, "_Well find somewhere else to hide from the mutant panda, I'm busy working. I thought I said not to bother me_?" in this really annoying voice like she's trying to act all snooty or something. As if she was really working, she was probably looking up more porn or something!

But she did say not to bother her, so I decided to play it cool and distract her from kicking me out so I asked her who she was on the phone with before and mentioned that they seemed to piss her off. I cackled after saying it, but I guess maybe I was a little curious. I mean I didn't think it was anyone awesome or cool, but if they annoyed her maybe I could join forces with them and REALLY give her something to be pissed about! Because even if she's definitely not pretty, she's kind of cute when she's pissed!

And I swear to Gott if anyone reads that and tells her so she takes it the wrong way, they're going to die. I only said KIND of cute. It's like... well her cheeks puff out and her eyes go all slitty and she kind of reminds me of Gilbird when he's pissed cause he gets pretty much the same look. In fact, I probably only think it looks cute because it makes me think of Gilbird and so I was thinking of him when I look at her when she's pissed off. So there.

So she gives me a weird look for a second and then says she was talking to her mom.

So I just say, "Oh, grandma then," and she looks completely pissed and Gilbird-y again. Seriously, she's WAY too easy to piss off so I just shoot her my awesome grin as she starts ranting at me about not being my mom as if I don't KNOW that. It's just too funny to get her mad. Finally she tells me straight off to get out again so I just cross my arms in my super awesome manly way and say "no".

Then she gets all weirdly tense and is all, "What did you just say?"

Which I guess was kind of weird, but I didn't think she was going to do anything, so I just went, "I said no, what are you going to do about it?" And gave her a challenging look. So she pushes her dog off her lap and stands up, marches over to me and jabs a finger into my stomach! And yeah she's not that strong or anything but that's kind of a sensitive area and it hurt like the bitch that did it. Damn. Then she goes and grabs my shirt and makes eye contact and she's like... maybe four inches from my face and I could still smell the Chinese food on her breath, especially the onions. Totally unawesome. Though I guess if she got glasses with less geeky lenses her face wouldn't be that bad looking. Kind of spotty though. Yech. She should get some zit-cream too.

So then she says (spraying her disgusting breath on me with every word, I swear that's the only reason I didn't pull away- I was paralysed by the stink) "Gilbert, do you know how much I would suffer if I threw you out in the snow with your annoying little bird and left you to die in the frozen wilderness?" So I ask her how much and she says, "Not at all."

So that was an unawesome thing to say. I pull up and she let go but she just stood there glaring at me like I should be intimidated by this annoying reclusive chick with a stained t-shirt and an extensive porn collection. So I just walk past her and jump unto her bed to stare at her ceiling. I STILL can't believe how much yaoi she's got up there. But I guess now I get that it's not all torture porn... it's still pretty kinky up there though for the most part. I have no idea where most of them are from, but some of it just looks like fan art so it probably isn't all from X-rated anime... oh and I don't even want to talk about all the pictures of naked Russia up there because I'm trying to forget about those because they're just... erk... though I DID notice that she had NO pictures of the Awesome Me up there. Not even any of me getting raped by Russia which is what I thought she was into. Fucking bitch...

So I just staring at the ceiling and out of nowhere she suddenly starts gushing about how I scored with Corey last night and poked me in the ribs. I had no idea how she knew that, and it was kind of embarrassing to have it come out of nowhere like that while I was looking on her ceiling for naked pictures of myself so I asked how the fuck she knew that.

She gives me this little drunken smile and says, "_You told me last night, when you came home drunk, fell down the stairs, vomited on my basement floor and then begged me to kiss you goodnight_." Then she laughs like that's funny or something. Geez. But that explained why my back still kind of hurt and I said as much as I went back to looking at the ceiling. Then I guess I realised the rest of what she said, and seriously, she makes it WAY too easy to piss her off. I just grin at her and ask if she kissed me, and she suddenly starts blushing and rambling about how she definitely didn't. But when she stopped for a minute I could totally tell she was lying and I said as much and obviously started laughing because that was solid evidence that she totally liked me even if she kept pretending she didn't! I mean, why the hell else would she give in and kiss me just cause I asked her? I mean she was probably right that it would be disgusting since I was covered in beer and vomit at the time but yeah, I guess for a human girl it'd be impossible to resist genetic perfection right?

Of course then she got pissed at me for laughing and smashes my shin with her fist. I called her the bitch she is and she skulked over to her computer chair again glaring at me. I seriously need to get onto that computer again and put up another blog entry, and read the ones that are on there, I'll bet there aren't any other Prussia Units that have to deal with this kind of abuse. I mean it's bad enough I have to share my genetic code with all those other Units and stuff, but I don't deserve to get hit by a bitch who can't take a joke or anything...

So then she's all, "You are a dick. Get out of my room. I'm writing." But I wasn't done just yet and knew exactly what would keep me in that room as long as I wanted.

So I just smirked and said, "What, you don't want to hear all the juicy details of what I did with Corey last night?"

And she totally froze in her seat and I knew she was putty in my hands. Obviously it was disgusting that she wanted to know about my sex life but if that's what it took to get my way I was damn well going to do it!

So finally she gives in and is all, "Okay okay tell me then!" So I start laughing at her and she gets even more pissed and puffed up and throws a pencil, that totally misses me by a mile and obviously I start laughing harder because that just makes her even more pissed. Then she yammers something about grabbing a crowbar if I don't start talking, so I shrug and tell her that I wanted to brag anyway. I lied and told her I'd already written a diary entry about it but I'm going to do that in a second anyway so it won't be a lie anymore I guess. I also dropped a line to tell her I wanted to use the computer again but she gave a whole Japanese 'we'll see' line so I'm guessing that was a no. Like I said, bitch. But I did want to brag about Corey I guess because he is one seriously hot piece of ass I groped and as soon as I get online again that's the first thing I'm bragging about! Kesesese...

So I start telling her about the party at the bar we walked in on and how we started getting drunk and then this one girl who was pretty hot in this little red mini skirt came up and got all over me. I mean she was totally drunk but she starts rubbing herself on my leg and tells me that she wants my man meat. And I definitely played it cool and wasn't getting all sweaty and freaked out over it, because that would definitely be uncool! Er... but then Corey's all "PAWS OFF MY DATE!" And I knew he only freaked out that much because he was getting drunk too and his face was all cutely flushed and then he leaps over to start frenching me on the bar stool. The tramp gets all upset and ditched us, but it was pretty awesome that Corey was getting so forward.

So I didn't detail all this for the geeky bitch obviously, but Corey started rubbing his crotch on my leg, same spot the tramp had been doing it, and making these super sexy mewling sounds. Then he goes and nibbles on my ear and I could feel my pants getting tight when he whispers for me to fuck him in the bathroom. And well, who was I to argue with that? Kesesese... so I took him into the bathroom and he was giggling insanely at that point and I shoved him into the stall at the end of the row. I locked the door, got our pants down and his button up shirt was yanked open, turns out he brought a bottle of lube with him so luckily he was thinking ahead this far. So I slicked up, shoved some fingers to make way for the Awesome Me and pounded into his ass on the toilet seat so hard we probably would've been kicked out if the music in the bar wasn't louder than him screaming my name! I swear to Gott, I've never heard anything sweeter than that!

Of course all I told the bitch was that I fucked him, but she got all huffy and wanted to know the details. She argued it a bit but shut up after I gave her the finger so I could continue my awesome story.

So we left the bar to get some decent food at a diner. I had a steak and bier and then he looks over at me with this cute little mischievous glint and we both look at the bathroom and about five minutes later we were having a repeat performance in there too. He was saying that we should go all over town and fuck in every public bathroom there was but then I hit his prostate and he screamed really loud and then the diner manager sent the cook in with a spatula and he chased us out. We were yanking up our pants while running, but he was pretty fat so we outran him anyway. We kind of decided not to fuck in every bathroom in town after that since we might want to go to some places more than once. But we still went to this one other bar that was kind of seedier and we drank a lot more and then everything goes really hazy. Cause I remember him telling me he was taking me home with him and then dragging me out of the bar and up the street from it a few blocks and I think we were lost for a while and it was really late, but we managed to get to this little house that I guess was probably his, and I think we walked in the door, and I know we probably fucked some more, but then I black out and I still don't know how I got from there to my bed at the bitch's house this morning.

I also didn't know where the shirt I was wearing last night was, but the bitch told me it was in the laundry, so that was fine I guessed. I'm starting to like it even if it's cheap Walmart stuff, since Corey said I looked really hot in it. Sure he was getting seriously drunk when he said it, but I saw him checking me out earlier, so I wanted to keep it.

I look at the bitch again and she's looking pissed off and asked how I got home if me and Corey were both so smashed. Which was a stupid question since I'd just _said_ I didn't remember getting home. I said as much and we were quiet for a second before she turns back to the computer and tells me to get out again. Which was definitely a bitch move because I'd just given her what she wanted to hear (well mostly but she doesn't need to hear about Corey's sexy face when he's cumming! His hair got all sweaty and his eyes half lidded and... yeah) So I tell her as much and she just sends me this disgustingly patronizing look, as if I'm being the immature one or something!

So she's all, "_Don't give me that, I don't have to do anything for you. You're lucky I've done as much for you as I have, considering that I didn't even order you in the first place_."

Which well... she doesn't have to keep reminding me of that! I know perfectly well she didn't want me and she was still being a bitch to me since SHE was the one that decided to keep me anyway! But I wasn't going to say that since that wasn't going to keep me away from the mutant pandas, so I just pointed to a random picture on the ceiling and asked what porn it was from to distract her. It worked pretty well, she floundered for the name a bit and then went on her computer to find it for me even though I could care less about porn, the real thing was way better. Though I seriously doubted this bitch ever had the real thing to compare it to. But I had to act interested or she'd keep trying to kick me out so I went over next to her to see the screen. The file folder was called 'yaoi hentai' and there looked to be a good two hundred videos in it. Yech.

Then I notice she's actually looking at me and she says, "You know, for a country that's known for grabbing vital regions and a guy who I've witnessed grab the genitals of total strangers in public, you seem strangely uncomfortable around porn."

Which is a totally stupid, I'm not uncomfortable around porn! I just... don't... well a lot of it's disgusting! So just told her most of the truth, "I just… don't really like torture porn and I don't really like rape much either. I mean, molesting is fine obviously, especially if it's the awesome me doing the molesting, but well… hey I can be a gentleman under this awesomeness, and I have some respect for people!"

Then she just scoffs and says, "_A gentleman? I don't recall any of that behaviour from the anime. I mean sure that one time you gave Hungary your coat when you realised she was a girl, but I wonder if that's because you were afraid of sinning by touching her vital regions or something_."

Yeah. She just had to fucking go there. Why the hell do these human fan girls, hell even the humans at Unit Co, they all seem to think I should be responsible and judged for the shit that guy did in that damn anime! I'm not the same guy who did those things! I don't have any real memory of doing those things! I had totally had enough of that, so I grabbed her chair, spun her so she was facing me, and grabbed her breasts!

... okay yeah I don't know exactly why I grabbed her breasts, I mostly meant to yell at her what I was just ranting about, I guess it was probably a programmed response... damn it.

So then I had to think about what she said again and come up with some sort of reason for grabbing her breasts so I went with, "Do I look afraid to you?" and she started blushing and looked about to hyperventilate so I let go. But, well, she deserved to feel all freaked out after saying something stupid like that!

And THEN she goes and stammers out, "_I-I… you… d-don't do that you little… fuck… **Prussian**_!"

And damn it, I was NOT in the mood to listen to that. I was... well I was mad. I was... really, really mad. And I said it, even if I knew I was breaking set character, which is totally the worst thing any Unit can do (as they told us all the fucking time at that... place), I said, "I'm not really Prussian you know."

But she obviously STILL doesn't get it and goes, _"I… well I suppose Prussia did dissolve but… you consider yourself German then? Weird, wouldn't have thought you'd want to give up your identity." _Which obviously gets me even more pissed because well, is she acting stupid on purpose? Seriously. NOT. COOL.

So I spelt it out for her. I wasn't born in Germany or Prussia, I was born in a FUCKING laboratory, those manuals are made to help the fantasy, and I wasn't even CLONED from the guy she's fantasizing about (well, maybe not fantasizing but at least thinking about) so she should STOP associating me with him because I'm NOT him! So she should stop judging me just because she didn't like Prussia in Hetalia because, well, I'm NOT him! I'm the awesome _ME_ even if I'm genetically engineered and cloned to be as close to that guy as the scientists could make me, even if there's a bunch of others that look and talk and... and even probably think like me a lot of the time... they ARE NOT me! But even after I spill my guts on that she just stares at me like I grew an extra head. It wouldn't fucking surprise me if she didn't hear any of it, fucking bitch...

Then she has the nerve to tell me I was insane to think she wouldn't associate me with Prussia since I look and act like him, and then told me it was my _job_ to be a fantasy. Well... why? Why should that be my fucking job? That's not fucking fair!

And that's what I said! I said, "And how the fuck is that fair? What about _my _awesome fantasies? Those don't matter then? Mein gott, why is it so wrong to want your own identity? I want to be special damn it! I don't want a hundred others with the same face and name as I do!" And maybe I stamped my foot at that, but fuck I just... it's not fair! Why should I have to deal with that? Why shouldn't I have the choice to be different? Gott... fucking... damn it...

Gott... I... I asked a guy at Unit Co about that once you know? One of the teachers and he said that... said that since I was genetically engineered I couldn't be different even if I wanted to be... and said that I should just go along with it, it would be better for it, that I was just mad because I wanted to be special, like any Prussia Unit. I don't know where the fuck he got off telling me that, how the fuck should he know why I'm mad! I didn't see any other Prussia Unit as pissed off about being a Unit as I was, I still haven't...

Then she said, "You want to be special? Find a different reality; no one's really special anyway. Unless you want to evoke mass genocide on all Prussia Units in the world, you're sort of stuck. You seem good with yourself as you are and with good reason, you're a hot guy with a cute boyfriend. So be happy with who you are and stop caring if other people are like you."

Which I guess... I guess maybe she had... some kind of point. I mean, I did like being the Awesome Me. And obviously it was great having Corey, and I knew I couldn't change things so I was the only one of me, but how could she fucking get how I was feeling? She wasn't a fucking... cookie cutter fictional character shipped out all over the world for the sick pleasures of anime fans!

So I said, "Yeah, and what happens if Corey ever sees another Prussia Unit and thinks it's me? Knowing me, the other Unit would probably go along with it and have sex with him, I won't know... if he found out I was a clone, what if just decides to order one of his own that has to obey his commands? Or else... gott. You don't have any idea what it's like knowing that mass production of yourself is going on!"

And then she just... she just rubs her forehead and asks if I wanted to watch the porn or not! I tried to force her to go back to what I'd just talked about, but she just kept on about the damn... PORN! What the hell? What the FUCKING hell? Does she have ANY idea what would happen if Unit Co employees found out that I'd talked straight up about stuff like that? I'd be seen as... defective... or something. And... and I was totally serious she just... she just doesn't fucking care. Yeah. Guess that must be it. Fucking figures. She didn't want me in the first place, and she doesn't fucking care now. Just... just fucking awesome. Well fine! If she doesn't care I'm not going to bother talking to her about this, I guess I'll tell... Gilbird. Yeah, I'll tell Gilbird sometime, if I need to. That little guy's always there for me!

Anyway, I guess the bitch managed to switch the subject pretty well when she mentioned that I was calling her Mom and still grabbing her boobs so she didn't want to do incest. I managed to snort and ask if that meant we were related now, but that made her pissed and she demanded I leave again.

But really this was all kind of stupid because the only reason I started calling her 'mom' in the first place was because she didn't tell me her actual fucking name! So I ask her for it, and just when I think finally she's going to say it already Mini Russia picks JUST THAT FUCKING SECOND to run into the room screaming "MOTHER RUSSIA" at the top of his lungs and jumps into her lap to hug her. Fucking crazy kid, and she doesn't even seem to notice he's snuggling his body into her breasts! She just gets all flushed again and asks what he's doing there. So he says there's some guys at the door with packages. For a second I hope it's a freaking door for my room, but obviously since she doesn't give a damn about me it wouldn't be that.

Actually she confirmed that by saying she hoped it was the brat's bedroom furniture. The fuck, I'd been here longer, why does he have to get priority over me? So she dumps mini Russia on the bed and leaves the room. The kid watches he leave and then turns a little creepy smile on me. Okay maybe the bitch would call that smile cute, but for me, any expression from that kid beside abject fear of me will ALWAYS be fucking creepy.

So the brat just grin at me and says, "Hello Gilbert! We can be friends today, da?"

And obviously I was about to give a resounding HELL NO but then I realised where I was. I was at a computer filled with porn, and sooner or later the bitch would be back... wouldn't hurt to corrupt the kid a bit if it pissed her off that I'd done it, ne?

So I say, "Kesesese, you know what kid? We can be friends! But only if you come and watch some erm... very special videos with me, okay?"

And Mini Russia looks ecstatic (which is code for CREEPIER THAN BEFORE) and rushes over to fling his arms around me. Luckily I have good reaction time and was able to block him and keep him at arm's length because there was NO WAY I was letting that little... thing, hug me. Ever.

So I got him sitting in the computer chair and clicked 'play' on the movie she had brought up earlier. It seemed to drop straight into the torture porn and I hoped the bitch or the stupid Asian would come in soon because it was really them I expected to annoy by doing this and the brat's excited expression was only making me uncomfortable.

Luckily it was about another minute and both Yao and the bitch ran into the room (they were followed by the mutant panda but hopefully it would control its blood lust with so many witnesses) and Mini Russia turns and stares at them before getting this shit eating little grin on his face. But I guess this once I can forgive him because he says pretty much the most perfect thing he could've said.

"China! When I am powerful, I will play with you like these men, da?" is what he said while pointing to the screen where a man was chained to the floor while another man fucked him from behind. I swear to god, the look of terror on that Asian's face was PRICELESS. Of course then he freaked out, screamed, and smashed the monitor, which pretty much fucked up the whole day. Of course right THEN I thought it was pretty damn hilarious as the bitch started screaming at the Asian and threatening to kill him. Or was at least screaming 'DIE' over and over. But it would be bad if she actually killed the guy, since he made good food and all, so I rushed forward with the brat and mutant panda to hold her back from leaping on the guy. I had her arms, the brat had her legs (since it was all that midget could reach, kesesese) and the mutant panda was grabbing her around the waist. But even then it was hard to keep her from moving, so I guess she must've been really mad. I don't get it, she obviously has enough money to replace the thing.

So Yao starts begging forgiveness again until the bitch calmed down enough for us to release a little. Then she announces that she's giving Yao some money all us Units are to go into town and get her a new monitor. She even told me to bring Gilbird. That was kind of suspicious actually now that I think of it but I didn't really consider that right then because then the bitch went and put that Asian in charge! I mean, I'd been here the longest, so shouldn't I be in charge? Damn it... and then Yao starts whining about being blamed and starts accusing the bitch of being a bad parent or something for letting the kid watch porn and then the kid just looks up and smiles and says he likes it and China freaks out and the bitch deadpans for us all to get out. But by this point I was fucking pissed because damn it, I should be in charge!

And I said! "Why is China in charge? I've been here the longest, so I should be in charge! Not only that, I'm the oldest!"

And then she says, "_Indeed, but leaving you in charge of Ivan would be like leaving a weasel in charge of a henhouse. Just not a good idea. And as I said, China broke it, therefore he is in charge of replacement. He's just lucky I won't make him pay me back for it. This time_." And then she glared at Yao, so I guess as long as this is some kind of punishment for him I would let go for now.

Then the mutant panda asked why she wanted us out of the house, which I guess was probably a good question since the bitch started freaking out when he asked. I know she said she wanted to be alone for a while but that didn't really make sense and damn it now I kind of wish I'd made her tell us. Fucking unawesome. Oh, but then Yao did the first awesome thing he's done since he got here (except for maybe cooking) and that was convincing the bitch to take the porn off the ceiling. They argued over it, but somehow Yao won out and she promised to take them down if we left. She even thought to call a cab for us. I mean, I could've driven us since even though I don't have a license I can drive on the power of pure awesome, but I didn't want to shovel the driveway again so I went with the others (Gilbird having returned his awesome feathered self to my head) and headed down to the end of the driveway to wait for the vehicle she called for us.

We probably could've waited in the house, but noooo, the bitch apparently wanted us to all freeze to death. Fucking... unawesome bitch. Okay seriously, I need to find more words to show unawesomeness. I'll work on that later.

So after waiting, I don't know, half an hour I guess in the FREEZING SNOW the taxi finally shows up. The driver looks really fucking confused as two guys, a kid, a bird and I guess what looked like a guy in a mascot costume got into his car. The awesome me secured shotgun because I'm just too awesome to sit in the back, and Yao ended up in the middle in the back because Mini Russia demanded to sit at the window and next to his beloved China. Yao looked pissed off, which was hilarious and by the time it was quarter to two we were finally dropped off at Wal-mart. I think that's where things started fucking up for us because when we got out and paid for the ride the guy drove away, and I don't think any of us knew the number for the taxi company to call him back. But we didn't think about that straight away and we walked into the store.

I noticed the greeter lady looked fucking terrified to see me and covered her breasts again. I snickered at the confused look Yao shot me. He asked why the woman looked terrified, I said it was because I grabbed her breasts, and I think that disgusted him or something because he called me a sick pervert and grabbed Mini Russia and the mutant panda's hands to drag them to the electronics section. I followed them for a while, but got bored pretty fast as Yao freaked out over not remembering how big the bitch wanted the monitor to be, so I left and went to look at other shit even though I knew I couldn't buy it because it was better than dealing with all the weird looks people were giving the mutant panda and the guys were with him. (Seriously, like, six kids ran up and hugged that thing... god are _ALL_ kids nutcases?)

So I'm looking at some awesome hot wheels cars with Gilbird in the toys section and I hear this weird gasp from beside me, and I turn and see this blond chick with green eyes staring at me. At first that creeped me out but then I realised she probably just recognized from Hetalia, so it really shouldn't be a big deal. I also saw she was wearing that uncool Walmart vest, so she worked here.

"Um, a-are you Prussia? Th-the same one that was in here the other day?" she manages to squeak that out, so I guess she just likes stating the obvious.

So I roll my eyes (since there's no point grabbing the breasts that weren't there, chick was FLAT) and say, "Yeah, what's it to you?"

The chick then starts blushing and looking away and... well I guess she was pretty cute, even if she was flat. After a minute like that she finally says, "O-oh. Um, I was just... confirming..." and then she scurries off at top speed. I thought it was kind of dumb, if she wanted an autograph she should've just said so! Also I went to go look at the racing bikes and saw the same chick talking into a cell phone really fast. She saw me looking and ran away, which I admit was starting to piss me off. She was lucky Gilbird was asleep or it would've pissed him off too, and when Gilbird's pissed you don't want to see him. Even _if_ he's awesomely cute.

Finally I decided to go back and see if Yao had gotten a monitor when I saw five adolescent girls watching me from the cosmetics department. I saw the green eyed chick pointing toward me with a shaky finger, and... gott that scream was loud.

So yeah, I was running through the store as fast as possible with a herd of jail bait chasing me. They were chanting things like, "GRAB MY BREASTS!" and "YOU'RE SO AWESOME!" Obviously when I realised I was running from my adoring fans I stopped and let them catch me.

Yeah... that was kind of dumb. In an awesome way. Cause I got to grope a lot of girls, and they were rubbing against me and hugging me, but when they pulled back I realised Gilbird was gone. And I asked where he went. None of them said anything. I glared. They sniggered. I heard a distressed chirp.

I glared at this brunette who looked like the leader (the green eyed chick was gone, I don't know where) and told her that if they didn't cough up Gilbird in the next ten seconds they would die by Teutonic Knight Awesome. She just smiled. Then they all ran. Fucking BITCHES.

So now there was a herd of jailbait being chased by me, and they weren't fucking STOPPING. It definitely wasn't fair, they were on some super drugs since they were all faster than me... stupid teen fan girls!

I ended up chasing them past the toys again, when a hand comes out of nowhere and pulls my shirt nearly choking me to death! I turned and saw that stupid Asian glaring at me and asking where I'd gone to because he was in charge-aru, I shouldn't leave without permission-aru, whatever, I'm older than him! I mean in the actual Hetalia no he would be older but we were Units and I was definitely the oldest damn it!

So I say, "I went to look at awesome stuff and then fan girls attacked and they stole Gilbird LET ME GO." So I kicked him in the shin and ran again. Because I'm that awesome.

So now I was chasing jailbait who had stolen Gilbird while Yao chased me with his wok. No idea where mutant panda and mini Russia were and I didn't care. I had to get back Gilbird damn it! Though I guess maybe I could've cared a little when i tripped over the brat and went sprawling onto the floor. Damn kid...

He hovered over my head and says, "Hello comrade! Do you need some help?"

So I glare up at him and say, "I need to save Gilbird! What the hell are you doing getting in my way, brat?"

And he looks up at the girls who were watching and giggling a ways off and then looked back and me and said, "I will get him back for you, da? That is what friends do!"

So I stare as he runs up to the girls. They immediately start going bat shit trying to hug him and Gilbird manages to break loose and fly at me. Then Yao catches up and starts hitting me with his wok, and I go back to beating his ass like earlier... then security caught us and threw us out. We were both banned for a year. Yao was freaking out over it, as if it meant anything. I was just glad Gilbird was safe from those fans, even if his feathers were kind of bent now. After a few minutes the mutant panda came out holding mini Russia and there were followed by the five girls from earlier, plus that green eyed chick was back, but the vest was gone. Hopefully she was fired after drawing attention to the Awesome Me because NO ONE steals Gilbird! NO ONE!

So then the green eyed chick comes up to me and says, "Um, I'm sorry, Brooke is kind of... obsessive... I didn't think she'd call her friends but I wanted her to see since she already knows about Vash... sorry..."

"Um, yeah, sorry," the brunette came up with a smile that I guess was sort of sheepish. I still glared at her but she didn't seem to care. She was kind of short too. Probably a B-cup from what I felt earlier before she stole Gilbird.

Of course Yao smiles like the nicey-nice Unit he's made to be and says, "Oh, that's okay-aru! I'm sure you didn't mean it!"

Suddenly the girls start spewing out their names at us, as if I give a damn who they are.

The brunette starts by saying she's Brooke, she loves Hetalia, and wants in my pants. Too bad for her I'm not programmed to promote statutory rape, she looks only about fourteen. The tall blond with the boy cut hair and C-cups said she was Mindy and she wanted my babies. Too bad for her she looks fourteen too, and also that Units can't have kids. The girl who looked like she was Filipino or something said her name was April and wanted Yao to be her gege (I think that's Chinese for something but like I know what), and I think the fat one with the dyed red hair and earrings was Ramy or Remy or Ritzy or something weird like that that. And the ginger was Deb. Like I said, these ones all looked fourteen or something, the green eyed chick looked closer to seventeen or eighteen. She might even be legal actually. But apparently her name was Stephanie and Brooke is her step sister or half sister or cousin or... something. They were related somehow.

Gott introductions are un-awesome. So then Yao realises that if he's barred from Wal-Mart we can't get the monitor from there so he looks at the girls with this pleading look and asks them if they know anywhere else they could go to find a computer monitor. (And yeah, we probably should've just made the teenage bitches go in there again and buy it for us since it was their fault I was fighting with him anyway but we didn't think about it at the time so... yeah) Stephanie offered to drive us to the other side of town but said she had to pick up Switzerland Unit from his job first. Brooke demanded that she should go too, but there weren't enough seats in Stephanie's car (even if she was driving her mom's minivan) to hold her and so she left in misery with her bratty friends.

Thank gott for that. I didn't need Gilbird in any more danger!

So we get into Stephanie's van, the awesome me once again in shot gun (though I had to throw mini Russia out first and get hit by Yao's wok but IT WAS WORTH IT), Mini Russia sulked in the middle seat next to Yao and mutant panda was in the back. Actually it looked like Brooke could've come... kesesese, I guess her sister... cousin... relation... didn't want her coming either. We drive across the parking lot and pull up in front of the ice cream store and I... I definitely did not blush when I saw the liquor store okay! I just... I just remembered that I had to bug the bitch to buy more beer is all! When I looked in the window Corey wasn't behind the counter anyway, it was some old man with hair growing out of his ears which was disgusting.

So Stephanie jumps out of the driver's seat and goes into the store. From behind me I hear mini Russia say, "When I am big, I will toss you out of the passenger side and across the parking lot, da?" and I'm about to turn around and throttle the kid when Stephanie comes back out with Vash who looks pissed off (but I don't think he ever looks anything else so that's pretty normal then). He looks at me in the passenger side door and glares at Stephanie who gives him a harassed look and kind of pleads with him until he finally opens the car door and tells Yao to go to the back if he doesn't want his head blown off and the Asian moved pretty damn fast.

So yeah, I decided I kind of liked that Swiss guy.

So about fifteen minutes later we get to Future Shop and all I'm thinking is that Switzerland is like this big wall of neutralizing...ness because ever since he got in the car everyone had been totally quiet when before I guess we were all kind of snapping at each other. Mutant panda still hadn't said a word the whole trip by the way, at least when I was with him. Which is probably good since it would've made everyone around him FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

Oh, Future Shop is an electronics store. It was pretty cool, they had a couple of TVs as big as the one at the bitch's house and lots of video games and stuff. I have to remember to make the bitch buy some decent video games too since hers are all lame rpgs from ten years ago. She doesn't even have an up to date game system! Which is actually kind of weird since the PS5 seems to have full body motion sensor technology with expansions that allowed for realistic sound and 3D graphic displays. I would've thought she'd get something that cool but whatever, I guess it's kind of expensive at eight grand...

Oh yeah, so we go in and this time Yao practically _drags_ me with them to look at the monitors and Mini Russia ran off to gott knows where (Yao was going to freak when he realised he was gone somewhere again). Mutant panda was being stared at again obviously and Stephanie was trying not to look concerned with the fact her unit looked ready to murder everyone that came within five feet of her. I guess his directive is probably 'bodyguard'.

Anyway so Yao's trying to figure out how much money he would be allowed to spend when he suddenly realising the brat's gone. So obviously he freaks out and starts scrambling to find him and tells the rest of us to help. I took the chance to go look at the war and zombie apocalypse games (seriously NEED Resident Evil 10, even if it's for PS4 I'm going to get that bitch to buy it for me!) and then next thing I know I hear that brat saying, "You will become one with Russia, da?"

And so I spin and send him I swear the MOTHER OF ALL GLARES because I NEVER wanted to hear that again EVER. And he just looks up at me with this little shit eating grin and I tell him that I would NEVER be one with him EVER. And then he gives this little pouty face. That stupid little psychopathic brat...

So then he actually smirks, SMIRKS, and says, "But someday I will be big and strong and you will not be able to refuse, da?"

That kid... that fucking kid... that bitch has NO FUCKING CLUE, since obviously he seems to love her but goddamn it... so I grabbed him by the jacket and ran straight into the back room of the store (probably a good thing there weren't any employees back there at the time) and shoved him into a box I saw lying around. Then I grabbed packing tape and started taping him up and the box started shaking because he's apparently claustrophobic (well GOOD) and finally I told that stupid kid I was sending him back to his goddamn mother land so I never had to look at his ugly Russian face again!

Of course apparently the mutant panda had seen me running with mini Russia and told Yao and Yao ran in after me right then and smacked me with his wok some more. But I was done with this, I mean, what the hell! Yao knows as well as I do that Russia is a creepy mother fucker and YET he tells me to freaking APOLOGIZE to him! So I told him to go fuck himself and he threatens me with his wok again. Goddamn it. I still didn't apologize though and Yao was getting really pissed that I wouldn't do what he told me but like I cared. I was older, I should be in charge. Besides, Yao was in charge as a PUNISHMENT right? So why not make it hell for him?

Anyway, so finally Yao manages to pick out a monitor and gets through paying for it so we head out of the store to Stephanie's van. But that was when the Awesome Me noticed something was wrong. I looked down. Mini Russia was toddling along. Yao was obviously there holding the computer monitor and Vash was marching silently beside his ward like normal. But somehow even with Mini Russia things seemed less creepy then before. So it finally clicked and I said, "Hey, where's mutant panda?"

And Yao's like, "Panda-aru?" he looks around and his eyes go all wide and he screams, "OH NO! WHERE IS PANDA-ARU?"

So we ran back into the store and asked random people if they saw a giant panda and if they knew where he went. Obviously everyone had seen the giant thing because you'd have to be blind not to notice an ABOMINATION OF GOTT wandering among them. But we had to ask like seven people before one of them said he was taken by their friend to be part of some indoor rock climbing kids' birthday party nearby somewhere.

So Yao gets the address and we head off to that place (I hear Vash bitching at Stephanie about having to help people she doesn't even know without even getting something out of it. I'm with him on that kind of, except he doesn't seem to realise helping the Awesome Me is always a reward in and of itself). It takes twenty minutes but we find this rock climbing place and right in the front doors we see the mutant panda standing with a bunch of kids latched onto him. Yao looked happy anyway, but I was sort of hoping he would be horribly mutilated or something when we reached him so we wouldn't have to take him home with us. I am way too awesome to share a house with that genetic freak.

So we go inside. Stephanie and Vash look a little awkward when Yao jumps and hugs his mutant panda, with Mini Russia at his heels causing the kids around the panda to back away a little. See? Even human kids know that kid is creepy! What the fuck is wrong with that psychopathic bitch at my house? Mein Gott... Anyway, so the kids back off a little and Yao's like, "PANDA-ARU NEVER SCARE ME AGAIN" and mutant panda says, "Calm down, it's okay."

And obviously everybody in that place went dead silent because... talking panda. Creepy, creepy, CREEPY talking panda.

So I look at the panda and tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP because his mutant panda ASS was scaring the kids! Then a parent gets all pissy that I swore (and _not_ about the giant mutation in front of their kid probably filling them with radiation poisoning?) and Yao glares at me, waves his wok and tells me that he'd 'had enough of my attitude' and if I didn't start doing as I was told he going to send me home in pieces. Obviously I flipped him off, told him if he didn't need me I didn't need him, and walked out like the Awesome guy I am. I walked off down the street past some random stores and houses ranting to Gilbird on my head about how much of an asshole Yao is (because NO ONE bosses around the Great Prussia damn it!)

After a while walking I guess I... I might've gotten kind of... lost... well I think I'd been around this part of town at some point when I was out with Corey but it wasn't like I was paying attention or anything so I can't say I really knew where I was. Or how to get back. So... maybe it wasn't ... that smart... to leave when they had the only car. Damn it.

Eh, so I walked for maybe, I don't know, an hour? Hour and a half? Give or take. Anyway, I was getting hungry and I was tired and I couldn't find anything that familiar either. Plus it started snowing again and it was getting colder cause the sun was going down and finally I sort of just leaned against a building to catch my breath or something. Cause... fuck. I guess maybe I fucked up a bit. It was kind of a stupid reason to run off on my own but... well Yao was a prick! Anyway, I was stuck. I ended up sitting beside the sidewalk with my head down wondering if Yao would bother having Stephanie drive around looking for me or not.

Suddenly I see a small pair of legs and look up to see this kid who looked, I don't know, twelve? Something like that. It was a boy with kind of long brown hair and he looks at me and then pulls out a five dollar bill from his pocket. Obviously I'm going to tell him no because I don't take charity, especially from little kids! But he thrusts it at me and then takes off running through the snow so fast I lose sight of him before I can get up! So I shrug and head for the nearest store to get some food.

I end up in a convenience store and get a hot dog. Not as good as wurst by a long shot, but it was better than nothing anyway. I see a pay phone but I didn't actually remember the bitch's phone number so that was pretty much useless, even with the phone book since HA THAT'S RIGHT I STILL DIDN'T KNOW HER NAME.

So sitting in the store wouldn't help. I went back outside and started walking again, of course by then it was even darker and colder and I felt Gilbird shivering on my head. I lifted him off my hair and tucked him into my breast pocket since that should be kind of warmer and dryer at least. I didn't want my little buddy catching cold, ne?

But FINALLY I see something I recognised, it was that bar from the night before, where I went with Corey just before I sort of blacked out. So obviously I'm excited because this meant Corey's house wasn't too far! Sure it was dark and cold and snowing out, but I knew I could find my way to Corey's! But... okay but first I went into the bar and asked if the bar keep knew where Corey lived, because, well, I'm not stupid okay!

So I follow the directions and end up in front of Corey's house. Thank Gott. I was still pissed at Yao and Mini Russia and I was cold and wet and tired and well... gott I wanted a fuck. So I rang the door bell and while I waited I guess I got a good look at the outside of his house. It was pretty small, I think the whole thing would be the size of the bitch's living room, front hall and kitchen together. The roof was almost flat and the door was painted a dark blue colour. There was a white car sitting in the driveway too under the snow, so I had to assume someone was inside.

Finally the door opened and I give my best sexy smirk, only to see it wasn't Corey and instead that older guy with the glasses that I think is his boss. I didn't remember his name, and I didn't really care who he was anyway. All I knew was that he wasn't Corey and yet he was in Corey's house.

So I glared at him and asked, "Where's Corey and what the fuck are you doing in his house?"

And the guy just gives this smart ass half-smile and says, "Corey's in the living room with his pants around his ankles, want to join in?" I start screaming swear words until the bastard held up his hands and admitted he was joking and Corey was in the living room messing with his computer and the guy with the glasses was trying to help him fix it. I rolled my eyes and told the guy to get out of my fucking way, because I was going in there to have my way with Corey. That's right, I'm awesome enough to make that awesome play on words.

So I push past the glasses guy who looks kind of amused (bastard) and go straight into the living room (somehow I remembered where that is... because I'm that awesome!). I see Corey sprawled out on his ugly yellow couch reading a computer manual with headphones jammed into his ears. And... damn he looked sexy. His dark brown hair pushed back from his eyes and splayed across the couch cushion (though it'd be hotter on his bed), his eyes dark and scanning the page he was on with a glazed expression and his little pink lips twitching every once in a while (better with my lips on them, kesesese...). He has on a loose white t-shirt with a flaming skull on the front (it would look better on his bedroom floor), and some baggy jeans (see previous insert), no socks and one foot mindlessly rubbing against the other. Gott I wanted to fuck him right there, of course there had to be some random glasses guy in the house so that wasn't happening. I don't like an audience in the same room.

So I walk up to Corey, grab his manual and yank it out of his hands. His eyes suddenly go wide and he looks up at me in the most adorably gorgeous surprised expression before breaking into a huge grin.

And I smirk down at him and say, "So, want a fuck?"

Five minutes later I'm ripping off those jeans and t-shirt in his tiny bedroom while that glasses guy sat in the living room. I admired the clothes on the floor (way nicer than on his body) before turning to the kid, admiring his torso, not toned exactly but definitely in shape. Way nicer than that bitch back home, urg, not that I wanted to think of her at a time like that. And I wasn't, I just thought of it now, don't think weird thoughts!

So basically once we're both stripped I pushed him back on his single bed and shoved my tongue down his throat. I ran my hands all over his tight little body before he actually pushed me back and grabbed my cock in both hands, pumping the living shit out of it. Gott that felt good... then he started sucking me off and... DAMN that kid has a talented tongue! I have no idea where he learned that but... damn that was just...

Finally he goes and grabs some lube and I flip him down on the mattress so I can shove some fingers up his ass. It was then I noticed my jacket moving out of the corner of my eye and remembered I'd left Gilbird in my pocket. Oops. Well I wasn't going to worry about it then because I just hooked Corey's legs over my shoulders and slammed myself in up to my balls. And mein gott he was tight too, damn I'm getting hard just writing about it!

I end up grabbing Corey's dick too and stroking it until we both managed to cum (I think he lasted about twenty seconds after me, which wasn't so awesome but he seemed fine with it so...) and then we sort of laid on his bed for a little while breathing hard until he grabs me into another make out session. After that he starts rubbing me back into an erection and this time he starts riding me up there since we're both still slick from the lube. This was kind of nicer since I didn't have to do as much work, I just had to thrust up every once in a while. It was... it was fucking awesome that's what it was!

Finally I flipped him over and started thrusting in hard again and we were both getting really sweaty. I heard a phone ring but Corey waved it off and gasped out that that glasses guy... er... I think his name was Dale or Danny... Derek? I think Derek. Anyway, Corey said he would get it and then screamed when I hit his sweet spot. Kesese.

Then we hear a knock on the door and we both groan. I heard Derek yell my name, which was kind of weird since it was Corey's house.

So I shout through the door, "What?"

And he says, "Your mom's on the phone!"

I pause for a second to figure out what the fuck he's on about when I realise he means the bitch. Duh. I frowned and asked what time it was. Corey pointed to his alarm clock. 7:30pm. Shit, and we left just after noon right? Shit. The bitch was probably pissed. I jump off the bed and notice Corey roll his eyes and start jerking himself off as I open the bedroom door enough to grab the phone and dart back inside. Obviously the first thing I said was that it was all Yao's fault because it definitely was.

And all I hear from the bitch at the other end is, "_Really._" Sounding all fucking sceptical.

So I explain! "Yeah! He's the one who got all pissed off because I tried shoving Ivan in a box and told him I was shipping him back to the Motherland- I was only joking! Then he hits me with his damn wok and he was bossing me around, I'm older! And then someone thought his stupid panda was supposed to be at a children's birthday party and apparently I wasn't being helpful swearing in front of the kids and Yao screamed that he didn't need the awesome me so I left to have angry sex with Corey."

And she just freaking ignores all my obvious reasons and just says, "_Damn it Gilbert! Where'd you leave them? You had better FIND them RIGHT NOW and come HOME before I drive into town and possibly commit homicide_!"

Suddenly Gilbird manages to free himself from my jacket and flies over to me, landing in my hair and chirping that he couldn't breathe in there and passed out twice. Well... I had to answer the bitch so I'd apologize later, ne?

So I tell her that the other Units probably aren't even where I left them anymore and she says in this creepy, angry voice, "_Gilbert, get Corey and Derek to help if you must, but you had better find them if you ever want to come home again_."

So I just sniff and say, "Mein gott... fine. Whatever. Bitch." Because that's all she is! I mean, what the fuck, she doesn't want me, it's fucking obvious, she just wants to be sure the rest of the Units could all die for all she cared but...

But then she goes and says this: "_Remember to call when you find them, and... and be careful! It's dark, there are probably perverts out there so... so yeah_."

And obviously I can't say anything to that because well... she just sounded kind of... like she actually wanted me to be... like she actually cared if I was...

So the only thing I managed to choke out was, "... careful huh?"

Then she goes and clarifies it so I shouldn't worry about it now. Apparently it's because she thinks of us as 'her' units and 'her' property so she doesn't want us hurt for that reason. Damn it... then she asks how it takes six hours to find a computer monitor.

And I consider going into it right there, telling her the whole fucking story and ranting at her until she fucking stops being a bitch and realises how creepy mini Russia is and how bossy and pissy Yao is and takes my side for one goddamn second. But then I see Corey looking expectantly from the bed and sigh and just say, "It's a long story." Damn fucking straight it is.

So we said some quick goodbyes and I hung up. Corey looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I sighed and rubbed the back of my head before telling him why I came over for a fuck.

He listens to everything, shakes his head and says, "Well that sucks. So you want help looking for them?" Obviously I say yes, because it would be totally unawesome looking for those uncool loser Units by myself.

We put our clothes back on (damn it) and go and see Derek to explain why we have to go and find those losers. Of course that bastard decides he wants to come too and I end up stuck in Corey's car with him being a buzz kill in the back seat. We go back to the rock climbing place but like I told the bitch, they're not there anymore. We end up driving around for about an hour before we finally find the mutant panda standing in the window of a restaurant. I have Corey pull over so I can go meet them, and he pecks my cheek before I left. I… I didn't blush because I'm too awesome, but it was kind of weird having someone do that with that glasses dick in the backseat grinning at us like a porno. What a fucking creepy old bastard…

So I get out and Corey drives off, and I go inside the restaurant. The first thing I see is Yao running at me with his wok and thirty seconds later we're banned from another place in this town. I don't even fucking remember what happened, I think that stupid Asian gave me a concussion of something. Damn. Mini Russia hugged my legs and told me that he wouldn't lose me again but I managed to kick him off so that was fine. Apparently the mutant panda had been standing in the window specifically to flag me down if I went by, which was kind of smart I guess…

Well anyway Stephanie and Vash were still around too (Vash looking fucking pissed at that, not that I care), so she was able to drive us home. It took us about a half hour to an hour to figure out how to get back to the bitch's house but it seemed Mini Russia was paying enough attention to know somewhat. About time that brat did something useful. I spent most of the ride snapped at Yao since he was snapping at me for running off like a kid. I am not a kid damn it!

Finally we reach the bitch's house again and Stephanie leaves us at the end of the driveway. We wave goodbye and Vash moves to the passenger seat yelling that he never wants us to inconvenience them again unless we want to be shot in the face. Kesesese… what a prick.

We march up to the front door of her two story house on a lot that is seriously way too big for even that, I mean she would never be able to afford it if it wasn't out in the country like this. We get up to the door and as Yao's about to open it (the mutant panda was holding the monitor) we hear the bitch scream, "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?" Yao looks at me and asks what I did this time. I tell him to fuck off and we go inside, which is good because as I think I mentioned it was FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE.

Then out of nowhere this guy runs up and starts talking really loudly and really, really fast. I have no idea what the fuck he was trying to say, but I suddenly realised that this guy with an America Unit, from the looks of his little hair fringe, bomber jacket and glasses. Fucking weird, I knew the bitch wouldn't order an America Unit, she had to be going into debt as it was. I expect the bitch to run up and start ranting at us, but I saw her standing back from us with her arms folded and… well I guess she just looked kind of tired. I have no idea why, since I was the one who was wandering around in the cold dark for hours!

So then China tells America to slow the fuck down because we can't understand a word he's fucking saying and then he looks at the bitch. She just sighs and declares that he was an America Unit, as if we couldn't tell, and that they gave her the wrong manual. She looked kind of disappointed, so I asked why they sent her an America Unit at all. She shrugs it off, mentions that it'll take a while for Russia to get here and she was sent some compensation. Then she asks about her precious computer monitor which China points to before that little suck up of a brat runs up to the bitch for a hug. He whispers in her ear and I don't know what he said.

It was probably creepy though, since the next thing I heard was the bitch giggling nervously and saying, "Um, no Ivan, that's discouraged." If he was telling her to kill me in my sleep or… or to let him sleep with me or… fuck it better not have had anything to do with the Awesome Me at all or so help me gott…

So the bitch sends the mutant panda to put the monitor in her room and to take the porn off her ceiling which he agrees to and leaves. About fucking time. Then America starts stabbing the bitch in the shoulder with his finger and whining about McDonalds. She did manage to resist his extreme uke face when he pleaded though, which… I guess was a little impressive. She's still a bitch though, since she disappeared into her room a couple of minutes later without so much as asking me about my day. Oh well, as if I needed to rant to her or anything. Stupid…

Anyway, we end up hanging out in the kitchen for a bit, mini Russia drops his 'become one' line again so I start poking him hard on the cheek and explaining that, "I. WILL. NEVER. BE. ONE." With him. Ever. And then Yao thinks I'm hurting him again and throws his wok at me with America fucking LAUGHING! I mean seriously, what the FUCK? I'd had enough, so I grabbed the kid, ran to the bathroom with him and… well I said what happened in there. And yeah, it fucking still stings. Goddamn, I need to get a helmet at this rate, that Asian's fucking brutal…

So I run downstairs and grab my fake journal and take it upstairs to write in at the kitchen table (as if I'd write my real journal in front of those other guys! My fake one's just a bunch of insults at them anyway, so it makes me feel better. Kesesese, I must have enough for a chapter of insults on the bitch by now.) I start scribbling as the bitch comes back in and tells Yao he has to sleep with mini Ivan. Well better him than the Awesome Me! It wasn't long after that the brat and the stupid Asian went to bed, so I went back down to my room too. Gilbird was waiting down here and chirped that he was going out for a while and zoomed out before I could rant, and I was left messing around with the bitch's old junk before I took a shower and went to write this journal entry, and now I'm doing that.

Damn that took a fucking hour to write! Well it's not like I'm doing anything tomorrow so I guess I can sleep in. I hope Gilbird comes back soon, I have no idea what the fuck he's doing out in the middle of the night. Oh well, he's cute and cool and awesome, so I can forgive him.

… yeah I should probably get a Thesaurus or something.

Till next time from the Awesome Gilbert "Prussia" Beillschmidt!

_((Joyful Note: Well that sucked. Only 25 pages long? Phht… I know it took a month! I know you want to lynch me! But hear me out. As I said, I had presentations to put together, exams to study for, the new semester starting up. But I also had friends to hang out with, money to make at work, a new boyfriend, first kiss, all that jazz… applying to universities as well. MY LIFE IS INCREDIBLY BUSY YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. Also, this chapter was INSANELY DIFFICULT TO WRITE FOR ME. Because Prussia is so… so… gaaaah, and I never know if I'm even writing like he would write! And since I fucking hate Prussia this whole part makes me want to kill him because he's so fucking annoying but I still wrote as him and I don't know why and… and… well. I'm glad it's over finally. It's out. And the next part should be written much faster because I can write as my comfortable OC and not as this dick head anymore. THANK YOU JESUS CHRIST. Hmm… well maybe I could try it sometime as third person limited. That might work out easier._

_And if this sucked, ignoring the time it took to get it out and possible over hype, if it really sucked and I didn't perform well as Prussia, please tell me. Also, if the sex scenes sucked… well no need to tell me since when I have one viewed from my OC's POV it will be detailed much more nicely. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. But whatever! It's up! It's done! Rejoice! I'll go work on the next chapter right straight away now! God this chapter here I… I was very tempted to just give up on it. I probably should have, it's not like it really told me anything… oh and soon I will be adding an element from another writer who based something of Lollidictator, but I won't say what until it's in here so it will be a surprise.))_

**_AND NOW A REQUEST:_** Three things here to just tack onto the end:

First, I offer one free one shot with whatever prompt you want to my 100th reviewer

Second, I have chosen the first name of my OC to be revealed in a future chapter. You are free to guess five names in any given comment you make, and first person to guess the correct first name will receive a free one shot when I reveal the name. I will be revealing a clue to the name in every chapter after this in the last 'Joyful Note'.

Third, As mentioned before, the Prussia Blog in my story has entries from Prussia Units all over the world. So my request is that, be it in messaging or in the comment section, send me entries from Prussia Units! If you have a Unit story of your own, make it one tailored about what Prussia experiences in your story please, but if not just any entry is fine. I might not use all of them, actually I probably won't but… the best ones I see I will likely use and I'll credit you and will appreciate you forever and ever and ever the end.


	7. I Don't Do Christmas

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 7: What? Christmas? I Don't _DO_ Christmas, America!**

_((Joyful Note: I started working on this ten seconds after finishing chapter six in a lame attempt to make up for lost time. Not that it worked at all. I'm going to do my best and keep track of what the date is in my story at all times, rather than getting stuck and having to re-read everything I've written again to get a grasp on how close we are to Christmas. Anyway here it is, ENJOY IT YOU CRETANS! And I know it took forever to get up this part but... phht...))_

I don't want to go to Toronto. I don't want to go to Toronto. I don't want to go to Toronto. I don't I don't I don't.

And yet I'm in a car with four screaming Units (one of which going through an emotional crisis apparently), one disgruntled alien and a twittering bird, going to Toronto.

Erm… am I forgetting something? I don't think so…

Well anyway, I know you want to know why I'm doing such a suicidal thing. Lord knows I don't want to go back to that hell hole of a city; I only lived there so I could graduate from U of T and then only until I got my first book published and saved enough to move far away. Noisy, smelly, crawling with the homeless and even after living there for six years I had little grasp on how to get around it, especially in a personal vehicle as opposed to public transportation. I had long been sick of that city and it was not my idea of a fun day trip but _nooooo_, America just _HAD_ to go _THER_E because _NO WHERE ELSE_ is good enough for Christmas shopping. I don't even _want_ to go Christmas shopping! I don't have enough _money_ to even _think_ about Christmas shopping right now if... well I guess maybe it's not just America, I _do_ have to go to Toronto, I just didn't want to bring the units... I suppose I'll get into all this as I give you the recap of my time since you last saw me, if I can get my ear-splitting units to shut up long enough for me to organize my thoughts. God I hate long car rides.

So about two days ago, December 14th, I awoke with a start upon realising I could not breathe through my nose. A gasp for breath and a sharp jerk of the head dislodged Nantucket from my nasal cavities and sweet air again flowed through my lungs. It seemed this was enough to fully jerk me to consciousness, because when I glared at my slumbering bed mate I wasn't hit with my usual bout of early morning amnesia and instead completely recalled the events of the night prior which led to myself willingly sharing my bed with the nineteen year old cloned incarnation of the United States of America. I was not pleased as I assessed the situation.

Somehow in the night America had shuffled us both to the edge of my bed up against the wall so close that if the wall hadn't been there I expect I'd be on the floor by this point. He had nuzzled his forehead against my mouth and chin as well, which is why I woke up with a nose full of hair, and was currently positioned with his leg hitched over mine and his arm wrapped around my waist with my arms trapped between. In other words, I was stuck. Also the combined efforts of the blankets, extra body heat and general high temperature of my house were making both of us sweat and the smell was getting to me. There was nothing redeeming about this situation at all.

... okay, okay, maybe it was a _bit_ cute in retrospect that I was the one he went to when he was scared, but this was a nearly twenty-year-old man, not a toddler! The fact his face was inches from my chest should be evidence enough that this should be creepy. Regardless of his childishness, America was not a child and so I felt no remorse as I jabbed my fingers violently between his ribs to wake him.

"KENTUCKY FRIED MCBURGER KING!" America screamed as he jolted awake, pushing back from me violently. I doubled up and started to gasp for air since the man's hands had gone straight into my stomach flab. That man hits hard... damn it. Then he seemed to realise what he'd done and started garbling out an apology as I managed to wheeze breath back into my lungs.

"Never... again... fucker..." I spat out and gradually started to breathe more normally. Finally I wiped the tears from my eyes and sent a glare at the blond in my bed. "Now give me my glasses and be fucking CAREFUL with them!"

America pouted but reached toward my bedside table and grabbed both sets of glasses sitting there. After a brief squint at them to identify whose was whose, he handed me my pair before jamming his own on his nose. I sighed before adjusting mine and gave him a condescending look.

"Alright, now I realise you don't really have much in the way of clothes right now, but I guess you can wear your pants from yesterday and borrow one of Prussia's shirts I bought for him. Think you can get dressed on your own?"

"Obviously! I'm the HERO!" America said with a boisterous laugh. I twitched.

"That's not what you were saying last night when you came in here whining about some stupid movie. Now get out of here, I have to get dressed," and as America huffed and pulled himself out of bed I gave my body a much needed stretch. Damn, I vaguely remembered how this tended to happen if I shared a bed with someone else. Even back when I used a queen sized bed in my teen years, if someone was there with me for some reason I'd abandon my usual night time thrashings and opt for complete stillness, leading to much neck and back pain come morning. I would've thought after all these years this strange habit would have fled me but no, apparently not as my neck hurt like a bitch.

America did not leave my room as instructed and instead began examining the space. Sucking in his cheeks for a moment he looked at me. At the time I was trying to word an appropriate idle threat to get him out of my room, but this contemplation fled when I noticed the irritated expression on my Unit's face. I felt my eyebrow raise and my expression questioned his.

After a second spent like this, America explained himself, "Your room's really _boring_ you know? I mean, dude, most people _personalize_ their rooms with stuff. You just have a computer desk, a tiny dresser, a table, a bed; is this a bedroom or a prison? You need to do something cool, like add a hamburger phone, or an Elvis lampshade!"

I groaned and glanced up at my sadly barren ceiling. "I had some decorations, but China has decided they could not be around Ivan so I took them down. I suppose he technically has a point, but I really just need a lock for my door... damn that's taking a while to get here isn't it? I mean if you compare it to how soon everything else has been delivered lately. Maybe it didn't go through..." I frowned.

"Hm? Well you should definitely decorate this space into something cool! I know what if I did it for you? We could get some American flags so it feels more patriotic, and definitely a hamburger phone for McDonalds, and some football team posters and-"

"HEY!" I snapped, cutting him off, "I'm CANADIAN, remember? Not American. Go decorate your own room like that if you want, just get a job and pay for the stuff. "

"A job?" America blinked and bit his lip in thought. "Hmm... good thinking! I KNOW! I'll be an astronaut! That'd be so cool!"

I stared at him. "But... you can't do that... can you?"

"I can do whatever I want because I AM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!" He struck his pose and all that was needed was the flag waving in the background.

"No you're not," I said flatly, "You are a clone of a genetically engineered imitation of an anime character. Now go away and let me get dressed please."

America's grin dropped and suddenly he looked sheepish, scratching the back of his head. "Oh, heh, you know about that huh?"

"Yes, I do, Gilbert has been so kind as to explain it to me," I sniffed, straightening the blankets over my legs. I wasn't coming out from those until America had left.

The blond Unit nibbled his bottom lip for a moment and looked at me warily. "He... isn't supposed to do that, you know?"

I felt the corners of my mouth turn downward. "Isn't supposed to do what?"

"He isn't- erm, I mean we aren't... supposed to... talk about that? Sort of breaks the illusion you know?" he laughed nervously.

I shrugged. "Well I asked him what Units were, he just answered me. I don't really care."

"Um, well it's not like I'll tell anybody but um... yeah you probably shouldn't go telling other people you know about that okay? It's kind of supposed to be a secret."

"Oh," I said, blinking slowly. A secret? Why the hell would that be a secret? It didn't seem like a big deal, it had to be legal if they'd made a business out of it... right? Ah, well, I'd think on it later. "Okay then, now get out of here and, I don't know, eat breakfast I guess. I'll be out in a second... damn I guess I need to clear out another room. Do you want to live in the basement with Gilbert or upstairs with the other two?"

America's grin was back suddenly as if it never left. "The basement! That would be so cool; I could turn it into the Batcave or something!"

"Yeah... have fun with that. Get Gilbert to help you clear out a room for yourself down there. Oh, but don't break anything or throw anything out!" I said harshly. At last America flashed a peace sign and vamoosed from the premises. Thank God.

Sloth-like, I grumbled and moved to my dresser, yanking out clothes for the day. A set of navy blue sweat pants and my bright green t-shirt from the musical "Wicked". I loved that book in high school. I loved the soundtrack to the performance. Never once got to see it on the stage. My sister had, but it was a school trip only for those with drama class in that semester's timetable and I had not been one of the lucky ones. It was so annoying! My sister didn't even _like_ the musical, she never let me play the songs, but she went anyway because 'hey, get out of school for the day!' IT SUCKED. But she did bring me back the t-shirt and gave it to me for Christmas, so maybe it wasn't all bad.

Actually, she's a good kid, my little sister. Just thinking about it, I haven't seen her since... since her wedding I guess. That was maybe four years ago? Something like that. Good to see she's out there doing the whole reproduction thing; I'm sure as hell not going to do it. Pregnancy. Urg.

Anyway, I finished pulling on my clothes and made my bed in a leisurely manner. Once my room was straightened I gave it a quick look and I guess... I guess I realised America had something of a point. It was a little sterile in there. Nothing really defining to it- even the bedspread was just kind of beige. Why had I not noticed this before? I just... huh. Well maybe later I'd dig up one of the anime print blankets I had laying around upstairs and fix that! Maybe. Though I'll admit that seemed like a lot of work right now. Shrugging such thoughts away I heard screaming and headed out for the kitchen.

Once again, I was faced with chaos. Damn it. Seeing as America was whining for Pop tarts, China was scolding his poor eating habits, Little Russia was hugging Dudley (who was shaking with his eyes shut tight), Bandit was barking at America's feet, Coco was meowing for food, Panda-aru was looking as horrifying as ever as he cooked what looked like oatmeal (I guess they were working on limited ingredients for something more Chinese-y) and... Well God knows where Prussia was.

Okay, maybe in some circles this wouldn't be chaotic, but I was used to quiet mornings and this was just... too early. Too early for yelling. I groaned and left before I was noticed, slumping down onto my living room couch.

To my left, I heard a ringing voice say, "Fucking Canuck!"

I glanced to my left. An alien was sitting there, recognised as Tony. Did that come with America, like Panda-aru and Gilbird? Probably. Damn it, another mouth to feed? These bitches NEED to get jobs or they're going out on the street. Seriously, this was too much! An alien? Seriously? An alien? WHAT?

"Why are you insulting me?" I asked flatly.

"Fucking Canuck, your remote doesn't work," the alien thrust my satellite remote in front of me.

"Oh, no, you have to use this one first," I grabbed the silver remote from the coffee table and pressed the power button. The TV turned silently on. "Then you use this one," I grabbed a black remote and turned on the surround sound. "You use this one to control volume, and the one you have right now is used to switch channels. The silver one turns the TV off again."

"That's stupid," Tony snapped, grabbing the surround sound remote and cranking the volume over the noise coming from the kitchen. Then he started flipping through channels, finally landing on the morning news for the region. This was... different. I couldn't really remember the last time I bothered to watch the news. On screen was a news desk with a black lady in a business suit next to an Asian male who looked a bit... familiar but I couldn't quite place...

Oh... oh my god.

"WHAT THE HELL IS KYOYA OOTORI DOING AS A FUCKING NEWS ANCHOR?" It had taken a moment since I was used to seeing him animated but- "I mean he's a Unit, has to be, way too pretty to be anything less, but... just..."

"So he's a Unit with a job, what's the big deal? Shut up I'm trying to hear," Tony glared at me as I sat stunned. So Units... could get jobs like this? In the public eye? Good Lord where _HAD_ I been? I suppose I don't really watch news sites online... maybe I don't really go on forums either... at all... well not that much... but surely I would've known this was happening if it was so open like this!

Though then again, was it as open as I thought? Kyoya was... well he was from a popular anime but not... not _that_ popular, I mean it would only be noticed by people who loved anime... even then, did those people watch the news that much? Plus he wasn't as distinctive as say, Piccolo from Dragonball Z, some people might know of him and not realise who he was. If they did, would they not assume it some awesome coincidence, if they didn't know about Units? Corey didn't seem to know about them, the chick from Wal-Mart didn't until she got Switzerland, Derek did seem to know but I hadn't a clue how he'd found out about them. Geez, there was something weird about all this... not to mention that as a news anchor, in the public eye this was... kind of... did the unit get the money for this? Was it going to his owner? And who picks Kyoya for a position like this? He's too smart for that! He wouldn't have picked such a post for himself, I was sure of that much... goddamn it...

"What'cha watching?" There came Prussia's rough voice as he plunked himself down on my right side. I'd been sitting in the middle of the couch.

"The news, I haven't really been paying attention though," I admitted, sending Prussia a sideways grimace. "That guy there? He's a Unit, has to be, he's Kyoya from Ouran High School Host Club."

"No shit?" Prussia blinked, looking a little surprised himself. "Huh. Maybe I should try to get a job like that..."

"There isn't a TV station around here though," I pointed out, "Though I guess there's a radio station..."

"Heh, yeah," Prussia sighed and leaned back on the couch cushions and I went back to staring at Kyoya because... well aside from the weirdness of it all he was still hot. Damn. If I had the money I would get me one of him...

Why does that have to suddenly sound bad? I-it wasn't like I'd make him my slave or anything! Just... you know... to have... him... to...

... er...

"Hey Mom?" I glanced toward Prussia again. He wasn't looking at me, his eyes trained on the TV but I wondered if I was being watched from his peripherals.

I let out a sigh of exasperation at his re-use of that name. If he had to come up with something I don't know why it had to be that..."Yes, what?"

"Do you like me?"

"Eh?" I stiffened and turned my head to stare at him more fully. I felt my eyes widen and my cheeks heat up. "Why the hell would you- when have I ever- you have Corey! Go fuck with him! I don't even want to THINK about-"

"Not like that, stupid! I'm way too awesome to do that with you!" Prussia snapped, finally turning toward me. Not that he hadn't tried it once already… I relaxed minutely, but since he was glaring at me I didn't fully calm myself until his angry expression dropped into one that looked a tad... dare I say insecure?

"Then what _do_ you mean?" I asked him absently fiddling with the hem of my shirt, though I suppose I really could have guessed.

"I mean, do you even like me at all? As a... as a... person?" After stammering while avoiding eye contact this he seemed to flinch, but I couldn't think of why he would do that. It seemed like a pretty normal statement... anyway I supposed I had to give him some kind of answer, since this insecurity looked damn out of character on Prussia and I didn't want to keep seeing it.

Which meant... well... maybe I had to think about it. "Um..." I closed my eyes and considered the matter. I had long decided that I disliked Prussia in Hetalia. He was loud, obnoxious, childish in the most un-endearing way possible. But, well, meeting his Unit in person he... well he was still those things obviously but well... he was cute when he was around Corey and... well maybe... well...

"I guess... you're not _that _bad," I shrugged. "I don't know if I'd say I _like_ you to any degree... maybe I even kind of dislike you but... I don't know, I guess I wouldn't poison your food for my own amusement. I might push you in front of a train for my own amusement..."

Prussia clenched his fists and snarled at me, causing me to give a slight wince. "You are such a bitch you know that?"

"Well... you're a jerk! And obnoxious! So fuck off!" I said defensively, even if maybe he had a bit of a point, I wasn't about to back down to him! Anyway, couldn't he tell I was pretty much joking? I don't push people in front of trains. Phht.

"You fuck off! You want to push me in front of a train for your own amusement? What the fuck is wrong with you, you psycho recluse!" Prussia growled and my eyes felt like they could flash in anger.

"I'm not a recluse!"

"Sure you are! And also a psycho, which you didn't deny!"

"Well, maybe I AM a psycho! What's wrong with that?"

"Will both you fucking idiots shut up? I'm trying to hear!" Tony grumbled, cranking the volume higher, but our voices only rose to combat it.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I EVER DID TO YOU!" Prussia roared.

"YOU GROPED ME, THAT'S ONE THING!" I retorted.

"LIKE HELL, I GROPE EVERYONE!"

"YOU, uh, YOU-! Um... YOU'RE JUST A DICK! I'M TOO MAD TO THINK RIGHT NOW!"

"NO, YOU'RE JUST TOO STUPID TO THINK!"

"OH WAIT I KNOW, YOU KEEP HURTING IVAN! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT? HE'S DONE NOTHING TO YOU!"

"NOTHING? NOTHING? YOU DON'T-!" Prussia stopped suddenly and took a couple of breaths before finishing, "YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" and then storming away to the sounds of Kyoya talking about a stabbing behind a local indoor rock climbing plaza thing. As if that had any bearing on anything. Why was Prussia being such a dick? Probably in his genetic programming I supposed...

Anyway, a couple of seconds later China rushed in with his wok to get the volume turned down, so I had my hands a little too full prying the remote from Tony before China could smash my speaker system to bother trying to figure out why Prussia was PMS-ing.

Once the TV was turned down and China was calmed, I decided to look into getting some breakfast. If there was one good thing that has come from the increase of chaos in the atmosphere, it was that I no longer had to cook my own meals it seemed. That was nice, I hate cooking you see. Always did. Just don't have the patience for it.

Grabbing a bowl of oatmeal, which turned out to be apple cinnamon flavour- probably because it was the only kind I had in the house, I sat apathetically at the kitchen table and began methodologically shovelling the glop into my mouth. Within moments I was flanked on my left by Little Russia, my right by America and across from me sat China. Hovering by the sink was Panda-aru and Prussia was still missing.

As I munched my way through my oatmeal, I noticed America glancing over to the TV with a concerning expression, as if he was confused, but also annoyed at the same time. I glanced over as well. It was a news report from Toronto, in the background were some Christmas trees and ice skaters, pretty standard fare reporting, I didn't know why he looked confused.

Then his head started jerking as he stared around the room. I watched him with tired eyes and from my peripherals I determined that Little Russia was doing the same. China seemed to be getting steadily more annoyed.

"Do you see a fly buzzing in here-aru? What's wrong with you?" China asked in his growing irritation, using chopsticks on his oatmeal. How he was able to do this I have no idea, but I was a rather impressed with it. It reminded me of this time way back when I went out to dinner with a friend in college for her birthday. We went to the Mandarin and she insisted on using chopsticks to eat everything, even her birthday cake later on. Very impressive indeed. I gave up using them on the cake after the fourth bite but she went through to the end. She was a crazy girl, that Pam... no idea where she is now of course... suppose I could stalk her Facebook account later, she's still on my list...

"It's just..." America trailed off for a second and then looked at me directly, "What's the date?"

"Er, December fourteenth, why?" I asked with a slight frown.

America's eyes widened exponentially and he gasped. "B-b-b-b-but, _where are your Christmas decorations then_?"

I blinked slowly, set down my spoon and tried to think of the best way to phrase this delicately for the guy. "I... do not have any Christmas decorations."

America made a strange, strangled noise at the back of his throat before jumping to his feet and rushing around the table corner. He grabbed my shirt collar and brought his face within inches of mine so I could smell nothing but oatmeal breath.

"HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS?" America wailed loud enough to shake windows and again, _right in my face_.

"GEEZ! Blow out my ear drums why don't you!" I growled, pushing back at the unit that was firmly getting on my nerves at this point and rubbing at my ears. Not that rubbing at my ears would do much for the eardrums inside, but it felt like the appropriate physical reaction at the time.

"Yes, there is hardly a need to be so loud about this-aru! Christmas isn't that important; can't we just order a pizza-aru?"

"I think we should celebrate Epiphany instead, it is much better I think, da?" Little Russia piped up cheerfully from his seat.

"WHAT? No way are we celebrating some Commie holiday!" America snapped, "And Christmas is like, the most important holiday EVER! How can you say that, Yao? Christmas is awesome because you get presents, and throw parties and eat cake and have Christmas trees, and dress up like Santa and drink egg nog and sing Christmas carols and throw snowballs and make snow angels and get drunk and put Iggy in a dress and drop him off in Vegas with no cell phone or money and take pictures!"

"... uh, what was that about England?" I asked feeling ever so slightly disgusted, but in a greater degree, amused and my lips twitched as this little war of emotions went on inside my head.

"Anyway, point is, you need to get some Christmas decorations, or at least a tree, where's Santa supposed to leave his presents if there isn't a tree? And where are WE supposed to put our presents then?" America demanded. I fought another groan, seeing that this could not end well.

"Look I... don't intend to get anybody presents okay? I've spent enough money trying to feed and clothe you all and get your bedroom furniture, I won't be able to order new anime merchandise for my collections for... god I don't know HOW long at this point. I'm going into a line of credit for the first time since I started writing! That's not cool Alfred, I usually budget better than this," I explained this slowly but America's eyes were still watering and he looked confused.

"But... but... Christmas..." America said softly, giving me the biggest puppy dog look he was capable of. I ground my teeth. No, I would not give in to such a cheap ploy! I was better than that!

"Look, you're the only one who wants Christmas decorations, Alfred. So if you want them, you have to go out, get a job, and pay for them yourself," I said carefully. He nibbled at his lip and continued to give puppy dog eyes for another minute and a half before finally giving up and letting out the mother of all sighs.

"Fiiiiiine, I'll get a job," America pouted at me, but I was honestly shocked he had agreed. I suppose I was used to Prussia's constant rejection of the idea.

"Oh, um, good then," I shrugged a little, still unsure about his conviction. Was this normal America behaviour? I didn't even have a manual to check that kind of thing. Though I supposed I could simply call Unit Co. and have them send me a replacement manual. Not that calling that place has really helped me in any of my other problems, but whatever, I figured I might as well.

Having decided that, I headed for the phone. No sense delaying this. I found it rather sad that I had managed to memorize the number as I dialled without needing another manual as assistance...

"_Hello, you have reached the Customer Service Hotline for Hetalia Units,_" an automated voice picked up the line, as usual, "_If your Unit is trying to kill you, your friends or loved ones, your enemies, other Units, or the general public, press one. If your Unit is destroying your property or the property of others, press two. If your Unit is trapped in one program and cannot be coaxed out of it, press three. If your Unit is performing actions not specified in the User's Manual, press four. If you have received a Unit that you did not order and you wish to make a return or exchange, press five. If you have not received all parts detailed in the User's Manual, press six. If you have received a manual that does not match the Unit received, press seven. If you-_"

"Relevent," I muttered as I punched seven on my phone.

"What are you doing-aru?"

"Calling Unit Co. to get America's user manual, since they sent him with Canada's."

"Who?"

"Your brother! Where I live! Goddamn American..." I muttered as the automated voice buzzed and continued:

"_We understand that you have received a manual that does not match the unit in your crate. If you wish to order the unit that matches the manual, press one. If you wish to order the manual that matches the unit, press two."_ I hesitated for a moment, before firmly pressing two. Ordering another unit would be expensive, I doubted America would go into a crate to be exchanged and quite frankly I didn't really need another mouth in here, I already had run out of chairs at my kitchen table for them all and that didn't take long.

_"Please stay on the line to speak with a human representative._"

"Once again, speaking with a human, spectacular," I sighed into the phone.

"Still talking to yourself? Unawesome freak, you know you've got a room full of Units to talk to!" Oh, Prussia had reappeared. Wonderful. I flipped him off as the line picked up on the other side and a familiar voice rang in my ear.

"_Hello, this is the Manual Issues help desk. I understand that the manual you received does not match the Unit received and you wish to order the correct manual?"_

I groped for the name for a moment, and then said, "Wes? What the fuck? I thought you were the returns and exchanges help desk!"

"_I'm... filling in."_

"Like hell you are!" I snapped. My drive to fight left however when I noticed Little Russia was being eyed by Prussia, and China was eyeing Prussia, and America was staring at Panda-aru with some strange interested look that I couldn't identify. Danger was brewing in the kitchen, and I didn't want to be busy arguing on the phone when it blew up in there.

_"Would you believe I was transferred?"_

I sighed. "Look, if you'll just send me America's manual I will believe whatever you want."

_"Oh... oh it was America in the crate? Damn! See, this explains that other chick who got America's manual for Canada, though she thought it was a joke."_

"Okay seriously, you suck. Do you need glasses or something? You should get some, staple them to your face, and THEN maybe you wouldn't have these problems! Just send me the damn manual, okay?" I growled.

"_Yeah, sure, I'll send it. Oh, but I won't be the one delivering it this time, I'm going to my cousin's wedding. I think Evelyn is going to cover for me over the next couple of days."_

"I really couldn't care less," I groaned, rubbing my temple as America asked China if he won Panda-aru in a carnival game, distracting the Asian long enough for Prussia to jump in and try grabbing Ivan to do... god I have no idea, probably shove him in the blender or something judging by his track record. This obviously was going to lead to China and Prussia fighting it out while America and Little Russia watched on as per usual and hey, Tony and Panda-aru might get in on it too somehow. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.

Resolving to get out of this mess, I headed into the hallway as Wes continued on the phone.

"_Anyway, I'll tell her you received the Canada manual with the America Unit and she'll bring the manual tomorrow, it doesn't take long to ship replacement or subsequent orders after we get the initial order."_

"And I don't understand why that is. But nor do I care. So just get on with it. I'm going to hang up now before these goddamn Units destroy my kitchen, okay?"

_"Right! Thank you for choosing Unit Co for all-"_

I hung up. Like I needed to hear the scripted end of call speech, right? Anyway, like I mentioned, my kitchen was quickly turning to chaos. Again. Why me? No, seriously, why me? Why did I have to deal with all this fucking craziness? One Unit I suppose I handled alright despite it being Prussia. Two Units, hell, even three Units plus Panda-aru seemed to have been plausible to work around. But with the addition of America and his damn alien, I had no idea how I was going to deal with them all hanging around my house all day. I had a large house, but it seemed it wasn't big enough.

I really wanted to head for my bedroom and hide from this, but I also didn't want to have to replace all my kitchen fixtures, so when Prussia grabbed a kitchen chair to combat China's wok, I knew I had to step in. Not... not _right_ in of course, I still had a bump on my head from the last time I intervened with China's wok, but I wasn't going to just sit back and watch!

"YO! CHILL OUT!" I screamed as Prussia and China went in for the kill in the midst of the spectator ring. It... didn't really help much as they just kept going. I growled and ran to America who looked thoroughly excited at the potential battle to the death.

"WOO! GET THE LEAD OUT! THIS IS SO COOL!" America screamed, followed by a cry of pain as I grabbed his ear and twisted it hard.

"That's MY chair he's holding and MY kitchen their going to wreck if they keep fighting!" I hissed at the confused American, "So, Alfred, you're super strong. Get in there and SEPERATE them!"

"Oh! Awe but..." I twisted more, "OUCH! OKAY OKAY LET GO!" America wailed and I let go, leading to some muttering as he rubbed his ear.

I sighed at his sulking face. "Come on, we should all be... friends here right? Friends shouldn't fight like this, be the hero and stop them!"

America's face immediately lit up. "I'll stop them, don't worry, cause I'M THE HERO!" and with that declaration he raced in and snatched the chair from Prussia and grabbed the albino, pushing him down to the floor and wrestling one arm behind his back at a rather painful looking angle. Seeming to take lead from America, Panda-aru got behind China and grabbed him into a tight bear hug, effectively stilling his erratic movements. Little Russia looked disappointed.

"Oh, so they will not be fighting each other, Mother Russia?" he looked up at me with sad eyes. I couldn't bear that! No fair!

"I- they- n-no! Shush!" I hushed him and walked up in front of China and Prussia, my eyes travelling from one to the other as I contemplated them both. This fighting could not be tolerated any longer; I had to live in this house for Christ's sake!

"Let me up! Don't be so un-awesome!" Prussia growled, struggling to no avail against the Unit pinning him to the floor.

"Of course I'm awesome! I'm the HERO after all!" America grunted with a wide happy grin, pressing down harder so breath was forced from Prussia's lungs and the albino wheezed and looked murderous.

"Let go Panda-aru!" China wailed, still trying to raise his wok.

"No, I believe the lady has something to say," Panda-aru said reasonably. I decided, at this point, that I could stand Panda-aru being in my house despite being horrendously creepy because at the very least he could read a mood and act accordingly, and if I had America in the house we needed someone in here who could make up for his lack in that skill area.

"You're damn right I do," I said firmly, catching both captive's eyes in turn before getting on with my little speech, "I understand that you two are not on the best of terms right now. Gilbert, for whatever reason or reasons you seem to want Ivan dead. China-"

"Yao! I said you can call me by my name, why do you keep calling me by my country name-aru! You call everyone else by their human names-aru!" China demanded an answer, but I smoothly ignored him.

"China, being Ivan's appointed guardian, you are obviously going to want to stop these attempts at Ivan's life. However, my house has many breakable items inside it. Therefore if you want to have these battles you will have them OUTSIDE," I thought for a moment, and then added, "And if you're going outside, use a door."

"Well duh," Gilbert muttered.

"Don't 'duh' me!" I snapped, "I don't need broken windows or walls either! Anyway, no fighting in the house or else I'll... I'll... I'll rip up all of Gilbert's journals and tear the heads of several cute stuffed animals in front of China!"

"Y-you wouldn't-aru!"

"Try me," I glared.

"HEY! DON'T YOU DARE RIP UP THE RECORDS OF MY AWESOMENESS!"

"Then don't you dare fight in my house!" I retorted. With another hard look at both I asked, "Are we clear on this?"

Both chorused, "Yes mom..." and... alright maybe my mind snapped a little there.

"OKAY, THAT'S IT, I'M GETTING THE CHAIR!" I screamed, grabbing the chair Prussia had been holding and swinging it at the albino, who was nearest. Suddenly though I froze in mid-swing, unable to move and registering a tingling sensation in my muscles as if they had gone to sleep. It was a little unpleasant to tell you the truth.

Frozen where I was I watched America get off of Prussia, causing the albino to leap to his feet and start furiously adjusting his clothes, and pluck the chair from my grasp. Once it was safely pushed to one side, the blond nodded to someone over my shoulder.

"It's okay Tony, you can let her go now!" he said cheerfully and feeling returned to my limbs. And then I fell to the floor because my foot had unfortunately been raised at the time of freezing. From the ground I twisted my head to see Tony standing behind me, holding a strange little gun and looking irritated.

"Fucking Canuck," he muttered, "Don't break your own rules." With this declaration, the alien marched back to the living room and whatever program he had been watching. Fucking little couch potato... well maybe he had a point. I _had_ technically said no fighting was allowed in the house. But damn that little cretin, he had no right to go enforcing my rulings and preventing my hypocritical behaviour! I mean seriously. Where does he get off?

"Hey, hey, mom?" America waved his hand in the air. I gave him a scathing look.

"What?"

"Could I have some Coke?"

"What? Er... I guess so?" I said with a frown and heading for the fridge. I figured I had to have some in there somewhere, and it turned out I did, hidden behind a wall of grape Fanta. I tossed him a can and he downed it in one gulp before letting out a belch and crushing it against his head.

Well. Good for him.

"Hey, hey, mom! Hey, hey, mom!"

"_WHAT,_ Alfred?" I growled.

"Why don't you ever get as mad at anyone else for calling you mom as you do at me?" Prussia snapped. I ignored him. The truth was that for some reason when he did it, it annoyed me more than when anyone else did. Not to mention part of me really blamed him for starting it, even if America seemed to do it on his own.

"I can't get the taste of warm apple pie out of my head!"

"Good for you," I said to America in deadpan.

"Oh, I know what you're doing!" Little Russia said suddenly. Then he grinned widely and began to sing in his soft, adorable voice, "Draw a circle, there's the earth! Draw a circle there's the earth!"

"That's right!" America let out a loud burst of laughter and sang, "Draw a circle there's the earth I AM AMERICA!"

Yeah. This was kind of embarrassing to watch happen in my kitchen.

"Okay, so, I'm going to... go to my room I guess..." I muttered, backing away slowly, only to have my exit suddenly blocked by Prussia. Damn it, why wouldn't the albino leave me ALONE!

"Let me use your computer," Prussia demanded.

"No!"

"Let me use your computer!"

"What for?"

"I want to update my blog! And check other blogs; I want to see if other Prussia Units have to deal with this kind of unawesome bullshit..."

I looked at him for a moment, and then sighed. "Fine. I'd kind of like to know if this is normal too. Let's go," I muttered and the two of us trekked back to the sanctuary of my bedroom, trailed closely by my dogs that had run off in the commotion of earlier but had now returned.

Once my door was shut and my dogs and I took up residence on my bed, Prussia gleefully spun around in my computer chair (but his technique was way off, his legs smacked my desk and he was left wincing in pain, sucker) before turning on my monitor and quickly moving the mouse to disperse the image of Italy sucking off Germany. What a nice picture it was too...

Anyway, he wasted no time in getting online and bringing up the Prussia Blog website. Before he started typing his own entry, he scrolled up the page. I watched his face, seeing as I couldn't read the German words, and noticed that it was growing more and more horrified as his eyes moved down the page.

So I became curious. "Are they really that bad?" I asked casually as he mouth fell open during one. Prussia swallowed and turned to me, shaking slightly and pointing to the screen.

"You have got to read this," he muttered.

"Um, I can't read German, just translate it for me," I said, waving dismissively.

"Er..." Prussia didn't argue, kind of strange for him, instead launching straight into reciting what was written in the jaw dropping entry. "_Dec. 10, 2020. After being here for a week, I think I can say I've moved into the most un-awesome place in the world. I've been bought by another one of those crazy yaoi fangirl bitches who can't get laid."_

"Well that doesn't sound so bad, sounds kind of like me actually," I said with a slightly bitter laugh. Was Prussia TRYING to make me recall my lack of sex life these past several years? But seriously, it didn't sound that bad...

Prussia went on, "_To make matters even more un-awesome she's a furry, yeah a furry. One of those messed up chicks who look up animal porn and wear animal costumes for the pure PLEASURE of it. The hell?"_

"Oh," I said, twitching a little uncomfortably, not liking where this was going. If there was one thing I definitely WASN'T, it was a furry. Those people always creeped me out.

Prussia shuddered a little and kept reading, _"She even FORCES me and Germany to wear cat ears, cat tails and fuck each other. All while she sits in the corner giggling madly and drooling. (Messed up bitch right?) The great Prussia is too awesome to wear lame stuff like that while fucking. Though Germany always gets all flustered and uke-ish whenever she watches us, so I suppose it isn't all THAT un-awesome...But it can get pretty fucking creepy."_

Prussia glanced at me to judge my reaction to all this and quite frankly I felt as horrified as Prussia had looked upon reading it. I did not approve of incest and furries creeped me out as I've said. Prussia actually seemed a touch relieved at the disgusted look in my eyes and nodding a little before continuing.

"_Oh god, there was this one time she wanted to take us to one of her messed up, un-awesome furry meet-ups, (apparently they do that?) because she wanted to show us 'off' or some bullshit like that. Germany started getting all pissy at her saying, "REAL MEN DON'T WEAR STUFF LIKE THIS." Then she goes and says the most un-awesome thing ever, "You guys aren't real men, your units, MY UNITS." Can you believe that bitch? So naturally I start telling her if I should break out my 5 meter to remind her how much of a man I REALLY AM! But then she just throws a tiger costume at me and orders me to put it on, and says if we don't she won't buy us any boose. Fucking bitch. So yeah, it's really un-awesome here right now. At least she makes us some pretty good food. Till next time from the Awesome Gilbert "Prussia" Beillschmidt_!"

I swallowed hard. "Huh. Well then. That was a bit... a bit..." I shook my head, "That's messed up. Seriously." I stopped for a moment, and then giggled, "That must make you at least grateful you're not as bad off as that, right?"

Prussia glared at me and I frowned. "Grateful that you plan on having Russia rape me the second he gets here?"

I rolled my eyes. "At least it wouldn't be in a tiger suit. And at least Russia isn't your brother. Hey, speaking of your brother, I don't remember there being a Germany on the list of units you can purchase online!"

Prussia sighed, "Oh, he's probably from, ah, a different company."

"Different?" I blinked, "Different companies sell you guys? And you're compatible with each other?"

"We're clones, not robots; obviously we're compatible with each other! Also easily accessible to the public, people are bound to make more clones eventually, there's knock offs and competing companies... I think Unit Co's main rival is Flying Mint Bunny Inc. They're almost exact copies, their manuals are nearly identical too, but Flying Mint Bunny focuses on anime characters and has more Hetalia Units available right now. Unfortunately once you buy from one company you're not allowed to buy from the other, company policy," Prussia shrugged.

"Damn, what a stupid policy," I muttered, though it wasn't all that stupid, kind of like forced customer loyalty. Not really in the spirit of a free country but none the less...

"Yeah well, I'm writing my blog post now so be quiet!" Prussia waved me off and started furiously typing German into my computer. I sighed and flopped down on my bed, staring at my blank ceiling and remembering fondly the pictures that once adorned it. So lovely they were. How I missed them.

In my reminiscence, absently stroking my dogs' heads, I didn't notice Prussia sneaking up on me until his head was hovering over my line of vision. I scowled at him.

"What, are you done already?" I asked in a rather annoyed tone if I do say so myself.

"Yeah... er, you wanted me to get a job right?" he asked suddenly. My irritation turned to bemusement.

"Ah, yes I did. Why do you bring it up?" I replied with a questioning lilt.

Prussia seemed to chew on his bottom lip for a moment before answering. "I-uh... well... don't I need a resume to apply for anything?"

"Er... yeah I guess," I groaned, "Though I suppose that's going to be difficult huh? I mean, I don't think you graduated from a University or even high school, no prior job experience either... do you even have a SIN number? I guess you wouldn't, would you?"

"Nah," Prussia shook his head, "But doesn't that Switzerland guy work at the ice cream parlour in town? Obviously there has to be a way to get jobs for Units."

"Well yeah, I suppose so, but I have no idea what that way would be," I muttered, unsure where Prussia was going with this. In retrospect, I was being a bit of an airhead.

Prussia rolled his eyes and gave me a look of exasperation. "Well since you're too unawesomely stupid to figure it out, we're going to have to go into town and ASK him how he got his job, ne?"

I blinked. Oh. Right. "Um... yeah we could probably do that."

Prussia snorted. "Duh. Let's go," with that said he grabbed my arm and pulled me up and off the bed. I was a little too surprised to stop him, and it wasn't as if I had big plans for the day. And he _did_ need a job, as did America and... well I supposed China might have his hands full with Little Russia but none the less, going into town to find the information might be a good idea. Also, it was looking like I'd need more gas again. I didn't usually have to fill the tank more than once a month but I had a feeling I'd have to do so much more often now. How many times had I gone to town in the last week? Freaking insane...

I won't go through the trouble of detailing how I got myself, Prussia and America into my car, those being the two that agreed to get jobs, and drove us down into town. It's a boring story, since not much of interest happened. We got into town, I got some gas, and we entered the ice cream parlour. The only thing I can think to say is that Prussia and America were getting along surprisingly well. I would've thought they would get into some kind of argument over who was the most awesome and try ripping out each other's throats, but it seemed the dual awesomeness was just going to lead to some friendly rivalry. Hell, if he wasn't dating Corey it wouldn't surprise me if the two of them had some nights of rival sex. But I digress. Eventually, we got to the ice cream parlour and as expected Switzerland was behind the counter looking as pissy as he normally did.

"So what do you want?" he asked sourly as America looked like he was about to wet himself while reading the names of the ice cream flavours.

"EVERYTHING!" America screamed, and I whacked him over the head. He whined, so I pushed him aside and addressed the Swiss man directly.

"Hello, I was just wondering, seeing as you're a Unit with a job, how exactly you became employed? Seeing as you Units don't seem to come with social insurance numbers, references, resume options or even valid ID cards," I asked as carefully as possible. Switzerland frowned further before drawing himself up straight and answering.

"Units all come with valid ID cards in our pockets; though it's possible some Units misplace theirs. If so, you can order new ones from the company as well as the rest of what you just listed. You have to pay for them, but they're orderable."

"Oh," I said, scratching my arm and thinking. More money. Figures_. "_Well, it would probably be worth it in the long run since they would be able to make their own money then."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that!" Prussia laughed and reached into his pant pocket, pulling out a little plastic card and showing it to me. It was Canadian ID, listing his address as my own and generally looking legit in every way.

"So... you just call the company and they give you everything you need to get a job? Lucky dicks," I snorted.

"No, they can't call anybody;_ you_ have to do the calling," Switzerland snapped, taking out a rag to furiously clean the counter where Prussia had been leaning against it. "Only the owners of Units are allowed to contact the company that issued them, just like how only owners are allowed to purchase Units. Also, they can only apply to jobs if their owner says it's okay to do so or if they're ordered to!"

"Well we've got four Units and three Accessory Units in the house right now, so we kind of need to get some jobs! Even though we could eat free forever at McDonald's with my unlimited gift card!" America broke into his usual inexplicable laugh and I rolled my eyes. Yeah, I'm sure Little Russia wouldn't agree to that... or any other Unit for that matter besides America.

"Well thanks for the help I suppose," I said to Switzerland, who looked back with a scowl.

"You're welcome!" he said in a tone harsh enough for me to severely question his sincerity. Especially as he continued with, "Now if you're not buying anything, get out of my store, you're holding up the line!"

Prussia's eyebrow rose. "But we're the only ones in here."

Switzerland's eyebrow twitched in irritation. "You're probably driving away the customers! Now get out!"

"Well that's a bit rude," I observed, folding my arms, only to have Prussia round at me.

"Oh, you're one to talk about being rude! You're the one who said you'd push me in front of a train for your own amusement!"

"She's going to push you in front of a train? That's so cool!" America cheered, waving his fists in the air to Prussia's angered look. I on the other hand sent him my best expression of condemnation.

"Do you seriously still have that stick up your ass? As if I would actually do that! Geez! Learn to recognise an idle threat, I'm not a murderer! And I don't want to be tried for murder either..."

"Oh, it's not murder if it's to a U... ni... um, never mind!" America quickly laughed to cover up what he was about to say, but I could guess it and cocked up an eyebrow.

"What do you mean, not murder if you're a Unit? You're alive aren't you? You're... people... sort of. Still seems murder-y to kill you."

"You're not supposed to talk about this!" Switzerland snapped from his counter.

"I'll do what I want because I'm a Canadian! Suck my Medicare!" I flipped Swiss off before turning to Prussia. For all his faults, he was currently my number one source for this supposedly 'classified' Unit information. "So Gilbert, anything you'd like to say about this?"

Prussia pursed his lips for a moment, glancing from Swiss' perpetually angered face to America's slightly sweating one and then shrugged. "You own us. We're property. Unit Co made us exist in this world and can just as easily make it so we never existed, so if you kill your own Unit, or even if Units kill each other, it's not handled by law courts or anything."

"... huh," I grunted and shifted my weight to one foot in discomfort. Well then. It was looking more like I had filled my house with slaves each day. "And these jobs... I take it the money is transferred to my bank account?"

"Obviously! Of course we're not allowed our own money unless it's allowed by our Owners!" Switzerland growled.

I sighed, and decided to voice something that had been bothering me. "Hey, um, Vash isn't it?"

"Yes..." Switzerland hissed out, looking wary at the sudden use of his 'human' name.

"Well Vash, I can't help but wonder if you personally enjoy this whole being enslaved to a teenage girl thing? I mean you always look like someone shoved a fistful of sand into your vagina, so it's hard to tell if you're actually enjoying your life or not."

"What?" For once it seemed I had caught the Swiss off guard as his eyes widened and momentarily the anger lines left his forehead. "I... well..." he looked away at the wall listing the ice cream flavours, but I don't think he was reading them."Stephanie is a nice girl," he said finally, closing his eyes half way and still not looking at me. "She's kind and sweet, sort of like Lilli. I want to protect her and earn money to help her out financially. She didn't say I had to get a job or anything, I told her I wanted to take one and she let me without a thought. I'm happy with her, even if her step sister is kind of a perverted brat."

"Lucky you, I'm stuck with a bunch of freak Units and the Freak Queen who ordered them all!" Prussia unhelpfully chirped. More unhelpfully, America responded with his signature laugh, leaving me to defend myself with my own open handed slap across Prussia's forearm which barely even seemed to hurt the bastard.

"Well... as long as you're happy I guess," I said with a dismissive wave to Switzerland and beckoned my Units to follow me out the door and back to the car. With no further reason to be in town, I made to drive us home when I was suddenly jabbed in the ribs by an over-excited Prussia.

"Hey it's Corey! Let me out, I want to go see him!" Prussia whined, pointing out the window to the sidewalk where, sure enough, Corey was strolling along with his arms laden with groceries. Where his car was I hadn't the foggiest but I supposed it really didn't matter much in the grand scheme of things.

"Not today wurst-breath, I've got things to do and I don't want to pick you up later," I said as I went to hit the gas pedal.

"Wurst-breath? That's the best you've got?" Prussia snorted, then glared, "Now pull over so I can talk to Corey! It'll take like… a second. And you don't have to pick me up! Just let me invite him over!"

"As if I'd… let… you…" I trailed off and my foot hesitated on the pedals. Prussia seems to have a lot of sex with his boyfriend. If they were at my house they might have sex. I have cameras everywhere.

Needless to say, within thirty seconds Corey had been apprehended, shoved in my car, and sent barrelling down the road towards my house at speeds that were highly illegal until I calmed myself enough to slow down. I think I might have alerted Prussia to the fact I was up to something as he was looking at me suspiciously from the rear view mirror having moved to the back to wrap an arm around the extremely confused looking Corey. America on the other hand looked rather excited by the speed and rolled the window down to let out a screaming laugh from the window. Okay, what was with that kid and laughing? He did it ALL THE FUCKING TIME and for little discernable reason. I don't get it, I really don't. But I digress, the important note is that we made it back to the house in record time and as soon as we were inside I rushed into my room, slammed the door, shoved the computer chair under the handle to prevent entry and logged into my camera network.

Although I was forced to kneel awkwardly on the floor of the study whilst I flipped through the camera channels, I was rewarded instantly on finding Prussia and Corey as they were making out on the living room couch next to a peeved Tony. This of course caused me to question what Corey would think if he saw Panda-aru… er…

These thoughts in mind, I decided it was best to abandon my room for the time being and make sure Corey was introduced properly to everyone. Careful to close all camera windows on my computer before leaving, I headed to the living room where Corey and Prussia had broken apart for air. Prussia noticed me and quickly buried Corey's face into his chest before mouthing to me to get Tony out of there. Not needing to be instructed twice, I rushed the alien and grabbed him under the arms… only to suffer an electric shock.

"OW! WHAT THE FUCK TONY?" I screamed, smelling my arm hairs singe.

"FUCKING CANUCK, DON'T TOUCH ME," Tony screamed back in his eerie trill. I noticed Corey stiffen and pull back questioningly.

"Er, hey, don't ruin the view of the awesome me by looking at the fat chick behind me!" Prussia laughed nervously, trying to block his view with his back.

"I heard something weird," Corey said with a frown and managed to push Prussia aside long enough to get a good glimpse of the grey alien on the couch holding a remote control and pigging out on potato chips. Tony turned his head and looked at Corey.

"… fucking Pollock."

"You're Polish?" Prussia asked in surprise. Corey scowled at the alien over Prussia shoulder.

"Well my grandparents on my mom's side are, yeah," Corey muttered darkly, "And that's a really offensive name you know."

"Whatever," Tony growled and looked away.

"So, is he one of those Unit things Derek was talking about?" Corey asked, getting into a more comfortable position on the couch and still looking darkly at the alien. Prussia froze and stared at his boyfriend wide eyed; likely shocked that Derek knew about Units and apparently told the guy he's currently fucking about them. I admit that I was also more than a little surprised at this development.

"Um, yes he is," I said carefully, taking a seat on the couch as well. Good thing it was a long one or someone would be uncomfortably squished right now. I wondered briefly where America had run off to... or really, where China, Little Russia or Panda-aru were too for that matter. I hadn't seen them since I got back, on camera or otherwise. But of course they could just be upstairs. I hadn't seen my dogs either actually, so they could be playing with them. Coco usually lurks up there too, and Kelly just sort of vanishes sometimes so that was probably explained and...

Well anyway, the more pressing matter at the moment was that Corey still was looking at Tony in disbelief.

"Weird. So he belongs to you then?" Corey asked me, reaching out as if to poke the alien, then thinking better of it and drawing back. Smart move.

"Um... well I paid for him but I'd prefer to think of him as Ame- Alfred's. Er, that guy who was in the car with us," I explained, trying not to look too uncomfortable at Prussia's warning looks. I knew he didn't want Corey to find out that he was Unit... the reasons for why were a little shaky for me, but I knew he didn't want it revealed, so I found his looks unnecessary. Did he really think I'd be so much of a bitch that I'd tell on him? What the hell.

"Oh," Corey frowned, "Because the way Derek was talking it sounded like you could get anything as a Unit. I mean if it were me, I'd get some super hot guy to fuck when Gilbert's not around!"

Prussia's shoulders stiffened and I noticed him begin to tremble a little. Oh. Shit.

"Um, you're not serious though, obviously!" I giggled and my eyes twitched between the two boys sitting on the other end of my couch. Tony seemed content to be forgotten right now, though I would imagine he wouldn't want to be positioned in the middle of this conversation anyway.

Corey shrugged, "I don't know, they're like robots aren't they? It's like a sex toy; I'd share with Gilbert if he wanted." Corey smiled up at Prussia, but the smile dropped when he saw the angry and rather hurt expression on the albino's face. "Um... of course if you're jealous of that kind of thing I wouldn't, I just didn't think you'd really care about something like that."

"They're not robots," I butted in quickly. I suppose I wasn't really thinking at this point, "They're like... someone genetically engineered a creature or person to look like something from a TV show, and then made a bunch of clones of it."

"So, clones," Corey shrugged, "Isn't that about the same thing? I mean, they aren't supposed to have souls or anything right?"

Yep. Prussia was looking rather emotionally crushed right now. I was going to have to work damn hard to cheer this one up.

"Well, that's not really how it is. If we assume there is such a thing as a soul, it would be present in any living being with a sense of consciousness and self awareness, which these clones seem to have. It's not so much a sex toy, as it is a slave!" I said perhaps too cheerfully. Corey's eyes widened anyway and I carried on... most likely digging a deeper hole... "I mean, even if they're a slave you can still treat them nicely and stuff, and they normally don't listen to you anyway, I mean look at Tony! Total couch potato and everything, but I hear some people threaten their Units and get them to dress and furries and fuck each other at conventions!"

And that was where Prussia leapt across Corey to cover my mouth. I would've gotten pissed, but once my mouth was shut I realised that it was probably the best course of action to take given the circumstances. Those being that Corey now seemed even more horrified then before. So he's not a furry. ...Good?

"Hey Mom! How about you go and find everyone else to bother, ne?" Prussia leered at me, and for once I was liable to take the exit where I could. I didn't even really register the 'mom' reference at the time. Saying a quick farewell, I vanished from the living room and headed for my bedroom. With the chair jammed back under the door handle, I turned on my camera system to discover my other units. And discover them I did, inside China's bedroom playing with my dogs and dolls were China and Little Russia. Cute scene really, with the exception of Panda-aru staring out the window at the back of room. Sorry but that thing will never, ever be cute.

"This one is my favourite, da!" Little Russia giggled and noticed to my amusement that he was clutching my Prussia figurine. Wherever Prussia had hidden it, it was no match for Russia and he was cuddling it for all he was worth.

"Ai ya..." China mumbled, rubbing his forehead and holding a Hello Kitty plush doll in each hand. Dudley and Bandit were wrestling with each other nearby. Like I said, very cute. Satisfied with this, I checked the other cameras in search of America and to my surprise I found him downstairs in the basement. Evidently he had chosen a bedroom and found an old air mattress somewhere. Currently he was using various items from around my basement to decorate his room, and I recognised an old wooden chess set, a vase with dusty fake flowers in Christmas colours, a couple of pictures of dragons and a reindeer ornament hanging from a nail on the wall. Okay, so apparently I had a couple Christmas decorations kicking around after all, how was I supposed to know everything I had down there? Anyway, America was still busy scouring for items and I figured that as long as he wasn't breaking things it wasn't doing any harm to decorate his room with some. It's not like I was using them for anything after all. After a moment, I noticed Tony coming down the stairs on the monitor, meaning that he had vacated the living room. This interested me, so I flipped my camera channel back to that area of the house.

They were half naked on the couch, making out for all they were worth, and Prussia's pants were halfway down his ass already.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD YES.

Because, as I've said, Prussia is a royal prick and I hate him but he is admittedly hot. And Corey, though far from Unit perfection, was admittedly cute. Put them together and what have you got? Me, horny, that's what you've got. Call me crude, but _damn_. And these were quality images too, I could see the sweat working its way down Prussia's face and the trails of spit that linked their mouths whenever they pulled apart for a moment or two.

That's when it hit me that I was very, VERY likely to witness some gay sex right then and there. This likelihood continued to rise as the pants came off, then the underwear, revealing two throbbing cocks standing at firm attention. And then Corey pulled a bottle of lube from... well god knows where. And Prussia takes it from him, and coats his fingers with it before sliding them up inside his partner's opening, both sets of eyes shining brightly, Corey's pants echoing through my speaker system, Prussia positioned himself and...

And...

And then Prussia fucked him. I mean, there were thrusting, and moans, and growls and well... I don't know... it was sort of a blur to watch because I couldn't really believe it was actually happening... that I was actually SEEING this happen on the couch in my living room. It was just... bizarre. Totally and completely bizarre. In a good way! But still bizarre, I'm telling you. Damn.

So they finished, Prussia collapsing on Corey and exchanging a few more kisses along the collarbones and cheeks before moving around to put their clothes back on. I'm fairly certain I had just seen what scholars would call a 'quickie'. But damn, just... just damn.

I mean, this is days later I'm telling you this and I'm still in awe of that. You never forget your first real time, real life, streaming video of a fictional character fucking a cute guy in your living room.

Anyway, I headed out of my room a short while later and found Prussia and Corey stumbling into the kitchen for some drinks. Prussia rolled his eyes and sent me another glare (what for I couldn't tell you, he could still be on about the train comment for all I knew) before announcing that he was going to the bathroom.

Once he'd rounded the corner I looked at Corey and raised an eyebrow. "He has to jerk off so soon after that?"

"After... after what?" Corey asked, looking as though he was trying to appear innocent. Phht, as if.

"After getting all sexy on my couch obviously!" I snorted.

"How do you know we did that?" Corey gaped, looking embarrassed. Oh right. Camera viewing.

Realising my error, I was quick to cover up, "Well, I heard moans, poked my head in and out, you know..."

"Oh... er, sorry?" Corey laughed sheepishly, scratching his head a little. Okay. He was cute. Fuck the off center nose and mole, he was. I giggled sheepishly with him. After a moment, Corey leaned against the table and tried to break the silence. "So what TV show is the alien from? X-Files?"

"No, he's from Hetalia," I said with a smile, not realising what I'd just done at all. God I'm an idiot.

"Hetalia?"

"Yeah, it's an anime, really cool. Countries are personified as people, comedy ensues as historical events are acted out by cute males making pinky swears as opposed to holding guns, fan girl wet dream you know. Derek watches it apparently from what he said on the phone, he could tell you," I said, continuing to smile. I'm such an IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT.

"Well, maybe I should check it out sometime," Corey said with a small returning smile.

"Yeah you totally-" I froze as Prussia stepped into the room again and stared at me, looking once again horrified beyond words. Here I realised what I was doing, but it was most likely too late. "Um, actually, don't bother with it, it's totally not worth the effort! It's... really long and no plot, just random, there's better animes! Like Code Geass! Yeah, go watch that instead!"

"Well, I doubt it's that bad, I wouldn't mind checking out a few episodes, if Derek's into it too..." Corey shrugged. "I'll look it up later tonight or something."

I stared at Corey, unable to speak. I glanced at Prussia, also looking unable to speak.

I'd just fucked up royally, hadn't I?

_((Joyful Note: Since I haven't updated in forever I'll just end it here and put the part up. It's 25 pages anyway and we'll have them all go to Toronto next part after this Corey mess is dealt with. No clues on how that will turn out, but I DO have more clues on the name of my main, since no one guessed it last chapter!_

_Clues:_

_1. It is an obvious girl name. I have never, ever heard of a guy called this ever._

_2. It is not a ferociously uncommon name or anything silly like that._

_3. It is not a short form for anything else._

_4. It is between zero and three syllables long. _

_So... if that helps anyone great. I'll keep posting clues until someone guesses it I suppose._

_Also... MORE PEOPLE NEED TO SEND PRUSSIA BLOG POSTS! Because I want to use them like this... I like them... might result in a legit reason for you to cameo in this story if you'd like... the Prussia Blog post in this chapter is courtesy of my real life friend Hannah W who posted it in my comment section. Thank you Hannah! Feel free to submit more if you so choose!))_


	8. I Need To Think More Before I Speak

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 8~ I Need To Think More Before I Speak**

_((Joyful Note: Well... fine. I have a couple of things to say here. One, sorry it took so long. I mean, I'm typing these words all of two days after I posted the last part, but I'm already assuming that you are reading this several weeks later, judging by my past history. So, without knowing what will occur to make this delay, I'll blame it on writer's block, general laziness, homework overload, death in the family, my boyfriend dumping me, getting seriously ill, dying, being brought back to life by munchkins and made their slave for twenty years before breaking free, befriending the mole people and using their time machine to go back in time to about a week before this was published after which I used all my time to update my story because YOU GUYS ARE JUST THAT IMPORTANT TO ME AND MY LIFE. I mean, when i was working in the munchkin mines all I was thinking was 'oh god, now my fanficdotnet fans will never know what Corey was going to say when he found out Prussia is a Unit! HOW WILL THEY GO ON?'_

_Okay but seriously, you guys are really awesome. Really. I've discovered I cannot read all my comments for this story without giggling uncontrollably and screaming 'DAMN RIGHT I'M GOD!' every couple of minutes. So kudos on that. I appreciate the love. Really. Now I will never mention this again and go back to abusing my readership with slow updates and no real apologies to speak of. CRETANS!_

_Oh, and I ran my main character here through the Mary Sue Litmus test. Scored an eight. I think I'm safe. And now, the story!))_

Seriously, I need to think more, because this was bad. If Corey looks up Hetalia… he might get hooked on it. If he gets hooked on it, he would find out who Prussia is. He'd realise Prussia is a Unit and then… I didn't know what would happen then, but I couldn't see it being a good thing.

Finally breaking free of my frozen state, I managed to cough out something about needing to leave the kitchen and broke into a run until I got to my room and safely barricaded the door. Pressing my ear against it I didn't hear Prussia racing to murder me for my gratuitous faux pas, so I decided to observe the situation on my camera network. My first camera view of the kitchen showed a good view of the table (since it seemed a prime spot of sexy action... at least as far as the porn and fanfics I'd experienced were concerned) but only saw the tips of the hair on Corey's head. The second camera was much more satisfying, facing the refrigerator and countertops as if it were the backdrop in a sit com. Although in a sit com, one usually wasn't left watching an albino look as if the world was falling apart while the other gave a look of intense confusion at this sudden mood shift. More like a TV drama, I would imagine, than a sit com. Not that I would really know, the most soap opera experience I'd had was catching snippets while my mom watched 'General Hospital' or something similar. I was never one for that sort of thing, the break ups, the cheating, and the rich people; everything like that. When I heard my mom talk about them I could never understand the appeal since they seemed so unrealistic. Then later I realised that I spent my time watching animated creatures breathe fire at each other and kill people by writing names in notebooks. And I suppose you could say a lot of the Fanfiction I was hooked on carried themes of soap operas with them. So really, who was I to judge on that kind of thing?

I have a feeling I've just gone on a terrible tangent and I do apologize for this, but I'm kind of trying to cover up the voice of shame in the back of my head right now since it's kinda sorta totally my fault that this was happening right now. Not that I was upset at getting Prussia upset of course, don't get me wrong! I just... well I... I... I JUST WANT TO SEE THEM DO IT AGAIN OKAY? Yes, I am a terrible, terrible person. You thought I was nice and wanted to make Prussia feel better but you were wrong. I hate that asshole, or at least I don't like him. I just wanted to see him fuck his boyfriend again for my sexual pleasures, and the way Prussia was glaring coldly at Corey and telling him, "Sure. Go ahead and watch it. Don't let me stop you," I was to assume I would not be getting my wish any time soon.

So to be clear on this, I am in remorse because I lost out on future sexy time viewing. Not because I gave a damn about Prussia's feelings, because he's a prick. He just... is. And he dislikes Little Russia for no damn good reason. And he... groped me. And calls me 'mom' even when I say I don't like it. So yeah. Fucking jerk.

Obviously Corey has no idea what Prussia is on about here. He doesn't know his boyfriend is a Unit after all. So when faced with Prussia's strange sudden bout of being a jerk face, it was only natural that Corey get a wee bit upset as well.

"What the hell are you getting upset over?" Corey asked; face scrunching in confusion and annoyance. Totally understandable.

"Nothing! Who's getting upset? Not me, I'm too awesome to get upset," Prussia snorted, folding his arms and sulking.

"Look at you! I don't get what your upset about; I just said I'd check out this anime, what's wrong with that?" Corey demanded, again, understandably. I mean, it's a weird thing to suddenly get pissed off about.

"Well fine! Go ahead and watch it! What's stopping you?" Prussia snapped, growing red in the face. I'd imagine Prussia probably looked completely irrational to his boyfriend at that moment.

"Nothing, except for the fact you're acting like a crazy mother fucker!" Corey growled, starting to look a bit pissed at Prussia. Which is quite understandable, he's getting yelled at for no well defined reason after all. I keep reiterating it, but I don't want Corey to look at all the bad guy in this situation. It's all that dick Prussia who I intend to begin blaming for all that's bad in the world in order to diffuse my guilt that has nothing to do with his feelings.

It was at this point however that the door to the basement was flung open and America came running into the room with a huge grin on his face. Completely missing the fact that two people were standing red faced two feet from him, he screamed so loud that my speakers let off a wave of static and I'm surprised they didn't blow out. I certainly didn't need them to hear him since I'm almost positive my bedroom door rattled as well.

Now, judging by the conversation that followed and my vague recollection of the sudden event, I'm fairly certain he said something to the effect of: "I JUST SAVED CHRISTMAS! I'M THE HERO! I FOUND A CHRISTMAS TREE!" Which is all well and good, but I'm sure there were quieter ways to announce this. Of course this is America we're talking about here, so 'quiet' or 'subtle' are not really appropriate adjectives to describe him.

"Whatever," was Prussia's mumbled dialogue before he committed himself to stomping off through the door America had left swinging open and downstairs to the basement, presumably to his bedroom. This left America alone with a confused and angry Corey by the looks of things. However I'll admit at the time I wasn't overly concerned with this. After all, America couldn't read the mood, so he wouldn't be put off by Corey's dark look and Corey would likely get frustrated with America and leave, right?

Yes, I clearly have no skill in determining how people outside of those in fandoms I pay attention to will act in given situations. America didn't read the mood, as predicted, but for some reason when his childish smile turned on Corey and his eyes begged to be praised, a smile actually tugged on Corey's lips too.

"A Christmas tree huh?" he asked, looking for all the world amused. Amused I tell you! Craziest thing...

"Hell yes!" Another boisterous laugh that almost made me want to carve out my eardrums with one of the pens on my desk. "Can you believe mom said she doesn't have any Christmas decorations? EVERYONE has a Christmas tree and I just PROVED it! I mean it's a tiny tinsel thing, but it will be fine until I can find an axe to get a REAL Christmas tree!"

Corey shook his head, still seeming amused. "You're kind of a weirdo, aren't you?"

America laughed again. "Weird? Not me! I'm America! Everyone else is weird!"

Corey frowned a little and raised an eyebrow. "You're what?"

Oh. Oh dear.

"Just the awesome US of A! Also known as Alfred F. Jones! The F doesn't stand for anything, just like Harry S Truman, my 33rd boss! Awesome, huh? Though some fans like to say my middle name is 'Freedom' which hey, I totally don't have a problem with!"

"Er... okay?" Corey blinked, seeming a little less amused and edging towards a feeling best described as 'who is this crazy person, why are they talking to me and how can I escape?' I know this feeling quite well myself and could sympathize. Also, the fact that America was dangerously close to revealing his Unit status prompted me to action. Because... well... okay maybe Prussia could salvage his relationship at this point so I could see more gay sex! Because I certainly did not give a damn about his feelings about Corey discovering he was a Unit.

Anyway, I decided to close down my video monitoring software program and headed swiftly from my room and into the hallway, ending up in the kitchen.

America turned to me and grinned. "Hey Mom! I was about to go find you, can I borrow your Hetalia DVD so I can show Corey how great I am?"

My eyes widened. I- h-he had told him in the time it took to get to the kitchen? THE HELL IS THIS? I was about to go and stop him and now... damn it. Well, if that was the case then that was the case. I would have to figure out what to do from here.

"Alright," I heard myself say and gestured for them both to follow me to the living room. The DVD was still in the player from the other night and it took mere moments to have it set up nice and pretty to play through the opening commercials for anime from ten years ago. Corey, America and I sat on the couch. I wondered vaguely where Tony was, maybe downstairs...

Well anyway, with Prussia downstairs with presumably Tony and Gilbird, and with China, Little Russia and Panda-aru upstairs with my dogs I could hopefully say that we could get through a few five minute episodes without interruption. Then I would have to find a way to explain Units to Corey in such a way that he would accept them and Gilbert and would be able to continue his sexy boy on boy relationship.

When the title menu appeared onscreen I turned to Corey who looked a little uncomfortable. "Hey, Corey, just so you know, Units are a lot like people. I mean, they pretty much ARE people. Even if they're based on fictional characters, okay?"

Corey shrugged one shoulder. "I guess, but they're manufactured aren't they? So it's still weird. I mean, imagine getting one just to have a relationship with them? I mean for the sex I can understand it, but if it was for a genuine relationship that's just sad. I mean, you should find a real person for that kind of thing, you know?"

"Mmm," I hummed with a frown, not liking how this was going. None the less I hit the ominous enter button and within seconds America's face popped onto the screen.

"THAT'S ME!" America said grinning and started saying his dialogue along with his onscreen version of himself.

"I can tell," Corey said with a small smirk at America. "So you're really a Unit. Phht, I'll admit they can be realistic then. But that doesn't mean they're people."

As the episode played I turned more fully to Corey. "Alright, and what exactly _would_ make them people?"

Corey shrugged. "I don't know; emotions? Free will?"

I let out a snort at that. "Free will? Doesn't exist." Corey raised an eyebrow and America did as well. I waved the looks away. "I'll get into it later if you really want me to, for now we may as well watch the show right?"

"Uh, I guess," Corey frowned and focused on the screen. Germany had just made his presence known and Corey's lips twitched upward. "Well he's pretty hot."

I giggled, feeling my inner fan girl rise inside me in a way it hadn't in a while. How long had it been since I was able to introduce an anime I loved to someone else like this? "I know, that's Germany, but he's not my favourite. My favourite's Russia, he's so cute and psycho! The first episode he doesn't look as cute though, you'll have to keep watching to find out how great he is."

Corey shrugged, and then cocked his head to one side. "Hey, why are all the countries male, out of curiosity?"

I sighed. "Well, they aren't all male. The females are Hungary, Belarus, Ukraine, Belgium, uh..." I started counting on my fingers, "A micro-nation in Australia called Wy, Taiwan and... and um... Seychelles! Oh, and also Morocco was a girl. They were the mains. There were a couple more in the web comic before it stopped being made, but those were all the ones that ever made it to the anime or the official manga."

Corey's eyebrow rose as Germany came across the life changing box of 'tomatoes'. "Alright, but that's not a lot considering the number of countries in the world."

"You're right. I can't say I _fully_ approve of the lack of female representation. There's been talk that there used to be more female countries but when a female country gives birth their child takes over the country and they die, as what happened to Ancient Egypt and Ancient Greece. But really, I think the author either thought that a country had to be a male to be powerful which is odd because most of them are weak and flawed, or else he was gay and had a thing for drawing cute and sexy males. And judging by the amount of homo eroticism in the series, I'm willing to bet it's the latter. As a fan of that kind of thing, I am quite pleased with this."

"A fan?" Corey looked amused again.

I laughed. "Hell yeah! Guy on guy is sexy! Hungary is like us fan girls in the world; the fan portrayal usually has her setting up cameras in other nations houses to watch them sex each other up!" Kind of like me. Never had I felt more akin to Hungary than right then. After all, I had a camera system and had put it to use that very day.

"You're joking right?" Corey asked dully and I just giggled some more like a lunatic.

"Nope!"

"That's disgusting," Corey grumbled, folding his arms.

"Disgusting?" I blinking, shivering a little. "But... you're gay aren't you?" I asked slowly. I had to remind myself of that, or I would've been reminded too much of my own father and his views on such things.

Corey rolled his eyes and his expression darkened considerably. "Obviously, but if two guys are gay, they don't want some random chick watching their most private moments, you know? If you were with your lover, would you want some random person watching you undress yourself and him, exposing yourselves to each other because you trust that person enough to give them your body? You didn't give that person permission to see you; you didn't give them permission to see you panting or blushing or anything. They have no right to do that."

I paused. Well that... that was a... an interesting point Corey brought up there. No right huh... well, Prussia was my Unit! But Corey was a person, so... watching him on my cameras was...

I shook my head. If I thought Units deserved respect that would mean it was wrong to watch them too. But if I couldn't watch Prussia have sex, not even with another Unit, what was the point of it? Well it seems I'd already purchased a slave and ethics are imprecise anyway. I just... w-well it was still sexy! I might feel a little bad but-

"You know this show's kind of lame actually," Corey said and I turned to him, gaping.

"WHAT? How can you say that? Hetalia is amazing!"

"Yeah! I'm in it, so it's totally heroic and cool!" America seemed to have broken free of the hypnosis wrought by watching the television when Corey mentioned disliking the program.

"Well it's just," Corey sighed irritably, "Well the animation isn't very good, even for anime. And while it's kind of funny, it's pretty racist too. Not to mention the voice acting isn't that great either... it's vague on even its historical aspects and seems to be pretty much ignoring the darker parts of history. What good is that?"

"Well that's what Fanfiction is for!" I huffed, "This gives us characters, and then Fanfiction allows us to examine their full potential. You can't expect something amazing in five minute snippets can you? It's light and humorous and breeds good Fanfiction. It's everything I could want in a low budget anime like this."

"If you say so. Anyway, I don't know why Gilbert would be upset over me seeing this," Corey shrugged.

I folded my arms over my chest, annoyed that Corey wasn't as enthralled by Hetalia as he rightly should be. Seriously, who can watch Hetalia and not fall in love with it? Well, except for people who are overly sensitive to racism, and homophobes, and that one guy from my cooking class in high school but he was a troll and doesn't count. I swear, you mention liking literally anything around that kid and he'd say it was stupid. And I'm getting off topic again. Sorry about that.

After a moment sitting that way I decided I should probably break this to Corey now. I mean, he would likely find out eventually and it was best if he learned it in a setting where it could be explained properly, or at least as properly as I could manage.

"Um, well that would probably be because..." I sighed and gave America a glance. For once he was looking a bit... serious. I suppose it was something of a serious matter but it still was a strange look on him. Corey was looking at me as well, but appearing more curious than serious. "Probably because he's actually... a Unit... as well." Corey's eyes widened and I felt the need to press on as fast as possible, "He's from Hetalia as well, though not one of the main characters. He's Prussia, also called Gilbert Beillschmidt. Um... yeah I was originally ordering a Russia Unit but the company messed up and sent me Prussia instead and as an apology they let me keep Prussia free, not that they've sent me the correct Unit yet but... well anyway yeah, he's a Unit. But you have to understand that they're people too you know? Kind of... enslaved people but..."

Corey shook his head vigorously. "Wait a minute, back up, so Gilbert is... he's..." Corey twitched. "Well I... guess that his character gets pissed a lot then?"

"Uh, yeah but he's probably upset that you were saying Units don't have souls and stuff earlier..." I said with a frown.

Corey rolled his eyes. "So basically, I've been having sex with a manufactured person for the last few days." He looked at me. "And no one bothered to tell me this?"

"Well, uh, it's kind of a big thing to tell someone you know?" I laughed nervously. "He um... he does seem to actually like you..."

"Yeah, but he's probably made to like anyone who comes on to him though," Corey's eyes narrowed and he looked at the floor, "So it's not like he's an actually person who likes me or anything. It's just a programmed response."

I gaped. "I- n-no! Look, he's not a robot! He's a clone!"

"A clone of a genetically altered person to start with," Corey pointed out as if it meant something. Where was he getting off with this? I mean sure, he hadn't been living with a few Units for a few days as I have to the point where they seemed pretty damn human to me, even if they were a little loud and their actions were over the top for real life they were still thinking human creatures. But even if Corey hadn't lived with them, he's been sleeping with Prussia; he shouldn't be thinking things like this! "So he could be programmed. And he's probably programmed to respond to sexual advances, since he was basically created to be a sex slave. Or am I wrong?"

I bit my lip for a second before answering. "Well... they can just be companions... some can do jobs like child care or being a body guard or regular jobs too just..."

"You don't make a person that looks like Gilbert and only use him as a body guard!" why the hell did Corey sound so bitter? It made no sense and it was pissing me off.

"Look bub, I don't know what you're jumping down my throat about here. Yes, Gilbert was manufactured. He also likes you. Up until half an hour ago you seemed pretty savvy with him too. _I fail to see where the problem is arising_."

Corey narrowed his eyes at me. Like... hell what? "You don't understand, but I guess I can't expect you to." At this he stood abruptly and I was left staring up at him in confusion. "I'm out of here, don't worry I can walk back easily enough." He marched through my house and out the front door without a backwards glance.

"Okay, the HELL was that about?" I snapped, looking at America as if I somehow expected him to have an answer for me.

America shrugged. "I dunno, was he angry or something?"

... well trust America not to read the mood. Obviously he was angry, the question was why.

"Well," I sighed, running a hand through my hair and trying to cool down the rage that had been building up inside me, "I suppose I kind of blew that one. I think I'm going to see if China can make us all some food. You, Alfred, should probably go check on Gilbert and-" I stopped and sighed again. "Okay actually, you go get China to make us all food; I'll go check on Gilbert. He's probably not going to want to see me right now, but I can't imagine you being able to make the situation better so... yeah."

"No problem! The HERO will make sure we all get awesome food! But can't we just get McDonalds? Waaaaaay better than China's crap!" America laughed.

"Yeah, well, go get China anyway since I don't feel like driving us all out for McDonalds," I said with a dark look, to which America saw fit to nod and reluctantly head upstairs. This left me with the dubious task of seeing how Prussia was doing. However he was doing, I doubted 'well' would be a good word to describe it unless one was being sarcastic.

Although I expected him to be in a down mood, I didn't expect what I heard when I opened the basement door as quietly as possible. And that was... sobs. Shit. He was crying. I had half a mind to shut the door again and run back to my room rather than deal with his emotionally wrecked self, but I must have been possessed by something because before I registered what I was doing I was already at the bottom of the stairs making a beeline for the doorway to Prussia's room. I noticed that at some point, perhaps recently, the guy had pinned a bed sheet over the doorframe for lack of anything better. Well that was good, saved me the trouble of buying a door. A side long glance showed me the room America had set up next door, with random bits of furniture and a tiny tinsel tree standing in the corner. Tony was lying on an air mattress with his hands over his... well over the sides of his head, since he doesn't really have ears. He glared at me as if to say '_Hey fucking Canuck! Fix the whiner over there before I vaporize both of you with my alien laser technology!_' which is something I can imagine him doing, so I hurried my pace in pulling back the bed sheet enough to get by.

The moment the curtain ruffed, the sobbing choked off into sniffles and I winced to see Prussia lying turned away from me on the bed, quite obviously wiping his face off on his pillow case before turning to glare at me with redder than usual eyes.

"What the fuck do you want?" Prussia growled. I suppose it wasn't completely uncalled for at this point...

I took a deep breath, ran my fingers through my hair and had a brief thought that I could use another shower as I was still sweaty from the morning. Then I decided to just give the facts of the situation in the calmest way possible that would hopefully shift some blame off of me, as much as I could manage. "Well he probably would have found out anyway."

Prussia's eyes widened and he coughed a bit as he sat up and faced me fully. "What the fuck- YOU FUCKING TOLD HIM?"

I winced again before attempting to say my peace at the fastest speed possible. "Uh... w-well Alfred told him that he was a Unit and offered to show him Hetalia and I thought 'well hey I might as well since he'll look it up later anyway right?' And so we showed him and he thought it was lame and then shot his mouth off about Units and asked why you got pissed off and I... might've told him you were... okay I DID tell him you were one, but seriously, that's a big secret to keep from someone you're sleeping with anyway so... so yeah." I finished that kind of lamely I think.

Prussia was seething now. Shit. "You... fucking told him... after I _specifically_ said I didn't want him to know and you... fucking... TOLD HIM?"

I nibbled on my bottom lip for a moment. "Um, yeah. Yeah I did."

Prussia gripped the bed sheets hard and gave a look that, if I really was his mother, I would probably wonder why I hadn't been slapped upon giving birth to something that could make such a face. It was a really, _really_ ugly look. Then he did something completely unexpected. He started crying again. Right in front of me. The hell was this shit.

I mean, I know people go on about how men look so tragic and beautiful, or sexy when they cry. Bullshit, he had snot running down his chin and NO ONE looks sexy with snot showing. Not even a Unit apparently.

I growled and folded my arms. "Well suck it up! You don't even know what he said yet!"

Prussia sniffled again and glared back at me. "So what did he say?"

"Um... he said that you were a manufactured person with manufactured feelings... and then he left."

Prussia looked about to say something before growling and flopping back on the mattress, staring at the ceiling in a mix of anger and despair. Oh, good line, I should use that in my book... um, but anyway, he didn't look happy.

"So if that's all, could you get the fuck out of my room?" Prussia muttered.

"Is this about being lonely again?" I sighed, blatantly ignoring Prussia's request and walking against my better judgement towards him.

"Who's lonely? I'm not lonely. I'm stuck in a stupid house with a stupid otaku and a stupid kid and his stupid guardian and now some stupid burger loving... stupid... fuck. How the fuck can I be fucking lonely with all that in the house?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't feel particularly lonely when it was just me and my pets, but I'm probably a bad example of humanity at large having cut myself off from it for so long."

"... stupid bitch."

I rolled my eyes. "Stupid? Yeah okay maybe I am. But seriously, if Corey was going to get all fucking pissed because of a little thing like that he probably wasn't worth it anyway, right?"

"Yeah he was," Prussia deadpanned to the ceiling.

"How do you figure?" I asked in irritation. Seriously, why was he so hung up? He met the guy a few days ago; falling in love with him this fast would be totally unrealistic. Granted he was Unit and possibly more susceptible to such things for the purpose of entertaining crazy fan girls who purchased such things as Units, but none the less...

"You really want to know?" Prussia asked, his voice kind of hoarse now that I focused on it.

"Well I have nothing better to do than to listen right now, so go right ahead," I gestured with my hand for him to proceed.

Prussia glared at me again; he'd been doing that a lot over the past five minutes, and then turned his eyes firmly back to the ceiling before continuing. "Because he was the first person to ever treat me like a person and I fucking blew it. Because he liked me without watching some damned anime and falling in love with some perceived version of myself. And also he was really awesome at sex. But it was mostly those first two things."

"Ah," I said, because quite frankly I didn't know what else to say. "Ah." Prussia seemed dissatisfied by my answer and, once again, glared at me. So I decided that I might have to elaborate a little. "So... that probably sucks then."

Prussia sneered. "And guess whose fault it is?"

Now it was my turn to glare. I took this turn rather well, narrowing my eyes, scrunching my eyebrows and growing red in the cheeks, the works. "Look bub, if you're trying to blame _me_ for this one you're being stupid. It's America who told him to watch Hetalia, it was you who hid the fact from him, it was Wes who accidently delivered you here and it was Unit Co in general for making your sorry ass, but all I did was accidently mention the that Hetalia was an anime."

"Are you joking or something? Fucking unawesome... You JUST told me that you told him I was a Unit!"

I sucked in my cheeks. Okay, so there was that too. But... well it wasn't just my fault! "Anyway, it's not like apologizing is going to help anything at this point!"

"Well maybe it'd make me feel better to think you cared enough to feel just a little bit sorry for fucking up the one good thing that's happened to me since I got here!"

"Oh yeah? Well correct me if I'm wrong but I believe you wouldn't have even had that one thing if I hadn't sent you back into that liquor store to ask him out. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."

"You're not my Lord, bitch."

"You know what? I think I prefer mom to bitch."

"Then I'd be a son of a bitch."

Well then. "Touché," I said, tightening my facial expression and deciding this verbal parley was going to be wrapped up. "Fine. I'm sorry I told Corey you were a Unit. I was being an idiot." Not that I really meant that apology, I still don't think I really deserve blame for this, but if this stopped Prussia being a whiney bastard for a while that was a plus.

"Fine," Prussia said, but still appeared bummed out. It wasn't really getting to me or anything, but it was a little annoying, and it wasn't like I had anything better to do, so I started trying to think of something that would cheer him up.

"Uh, want to use my computer to rant about it in your blog? I bet we could look and see how other Prussia Units are faring too... could be fun..." I offered this casually and Prussia looked at me as if I'd gone insane. Wanker.

"You're actually _offering_ to let me use your computer for blogging?" he asked this sceptically. I huffed in response.

"Yeah, I know, I'm so generous. This is a limited time window, I suggest you use it."

Prussia looked at the ceiling once more before swinging his legs off the bed and getting up. "Okay," he grumbling, striding past me, pulling aside the bed sheet and heading for the stairs.

I followed him up and a thought stuck me. "Hey Gilbert, where's your bird? I haven't seen him in a while."

Prussia snorted. "He's been disappearing a lot lately. You've got a hole in your basement that goes outside, or he's using the vents or something. He doesn't like it here anymore than I do."

"Well if you don't like, why don't you just leave too?" I muttered, but I don't think he heard me since when he opened the basement door the blaring sound of the television probably drowned me out. China was so enthralled in cooking that he didn't even notice us come upstairs. Lord knows where Little Russia and Panda-aru were. I left China to enjoy his cooking and America to enjoy his brain numbing volume levels and marched to my bedroom/study with Prussia. I opened my internet browser and brought up the Prussia blog page which I'd had the sense to add to my favourites bar. Once it was up, I turned the computer chair over to Prussia who immediately sat down and began typing furiously as I casually went to lay on my bed and watch him. Him with his whiney jerk personality attached to an annoyingly attractive body. Damn it all to hell.

After a while, Prussia apparently posted his rant. Then he decided to read me some of the blog posts other Prussia Units had posted.

_"Dec. 13, 2020_

_I've only been here a few days, but I think I'm going to die an unawesome death if I don't get booze soon. Seriously, this chick won't buy me any bier! She just sits in her studio and messes with music stuff all day, and then when I ask, the bitch doesn't even look at me, she just says "No"! It's not like she doesn't have enough money or anything, she's got an album out and a single in the top forty! Bitch has a fucking huge house."_

When Prussia was reading a blog post such as this, we felt free to offer commentary on it.

"You need to buy me more bier," was Prussia's first comment.

"Get a job," I said with a frown, "I'll get one more case, but then you're on your own."

"Yeah we'll see, maybe I'll just ask at three in the morning again."

"...asshole."

_And she has this weird habit of pulling things out of thin air! ...I'm not gonna lie, that's pretty awesome, even from someone as un-awesome as that chick. But she always pulls out un-awesome stuff! Like the first day I was here, she opens the box and instantly complains about getting the wrong unit (she'd ordered Lithuania. Really? How could he possibly be better than the awesome me and my awesome 5 meters?). _

"Damn, a Lithuania Unit? Phht, of course I'd be the idiot that got Unit Co instead of that Flying Mint Bunny thing."

"Who the hell would want a Lithuania Unit? Totally unawesome."

"Who would want a Prussia Unit?"

"HEY! I'll have you know I'm fucking popular!"

"I'll have you know Russia's better."

"Yeah, cause rapists are so fucking hot!"

"I know right?"

"THAT WAS SARCASM!"

"So was what I said... maybe..." Okay, I didn't think rape was sexy... unless it was Russia... er... I'm a bad person.

"_But she looked kinda cute pouting like that, so I groped her (she has tiny boobs, can't be any bigger than a B. Un-awesome. Just like her refusal to buy me any bier.),and she just stared at me for a few seconds, and then you know what she did? She pulled out a squirt bottle! FROM NOWHERE. THE BITCH FUCKING SPRAYED ME. Like I was a misbehaving pet or something! _

"Hey that sounds-"

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"

"But if it helps you behave..."

"IT WON'T!"

"_And then when I started telling her exactly how unawesome she was, she turned around and started walking away WHILE I WAS STILL TALKING and then the bitch threw a thesaurus over her shoulder! And WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING AT ME, she says "'Awesome' is on page 39. I suggest looking it up." _

"Wow, this chick's just got a mountain of good ideas. You definitely need a thesaurus."

"Why? So I can say things are... are... fabulous or something? Do you want me to sound like Poland?"

"Now there's a Unit I can't see anyone wanting. I mean Poland is fine in Fanfiction but in real life I'd never be able to stand the guy."

"Yeah, Poland's an idiot from what I can tell."

"You haven't met him?"

"Uh, younger versions, Unit Co doesn't have any mature enough for sale yet."

"Oh okay."

_"Why can't she pull some bier out of thin air? Or wurst?_

_At least she doesn't have anime crap lying around everywhere. Maybe she's just a closeted otaku or something._

_Bitch can cook though. And she leaves me alone as long as I don't bug her or go in her studio. It could be worse._

_...I still want my bier._

_Till next time, Gilbert "The Awesome" Beillschmidt"_

"Well it could be worse. I could refuse to let you have beer."

"Then you'd be an even bigger bitch. Here's another one."

"_December 11, 2020_

_This place is pretty awesome I guess I see lots of hot girls, the red head who bought us (England and my awesome self for the record) Bel- something, is pretty hot red hair nice rack lets us do whatever. So I guess I have it pretty well compared to some of you like the ones who get bought by crazy Yaoi fan girls or furries or whatever. And the place down the block has nice food thank god because England and Bel can't cook hell Bel thinks England's food is good. What the hell fucked up her taste buds? Back to the diner, the girls who run the place are all pretty good looking. Though a few of them are lesbians like the one who's constantly trying to get in Bel's pants and the parents. Not that I mind it's amusing to watch Bel squirm. So that's pretty much my awesome life for the moment unless Bel really is a crazy fan girl . . ._

_~The awesome Prussia AKA Gilbert Beillschmidt"_

"Well that guy's doing well for himself," Prussia muttered when he was finished that one.

"If you're just going to depress yourself, why read the happy ones?"

"I don't know if they're good or not until I read them obviously!"

_"Dec. 12, 2020_

_The awesome Prussia speaking here! Holy crap, this whole thing is BULLSHIT! Y'know, you finally get out of that stupid box and then you get shoved into the grimy hands of some fugly British rich-girl! Unawesome as hell, ne? This kid can't be over ten years old, and her stupid parents ordered me as a freakin' BIRTHDAY SURPRISE. Mein Gott, diese Wichser! (My God, those wankers!) That unawesome brat already has a bloody England unit (I fucking hate that prissy gentleman FAIL), AND a France unit!"_

"A France Unit? No way! Lucky little bitch, I want a France..."

"I thought you liked Russia?"

"I do, but France is definitely my second favourite."

"Who the hell likes France?"

"Um, hello? He's hot, romantic, perverted, and funny to watch. What's not to like? And anyway, aren't you supposed to be friends with him?"

"Doesn't mean I have to like him."

"... you know what? Never mind. Keep reading."

"_Mind you, Francis ain't really so bad. We can piss of Brit-boy together... kesesese... Whatever. I need to get out of this shitty Sailor Moon cosplay before it permanently taints my awesomeness."_

Okay, we both snorted at that one. Poor Prussian bastard.

"_The prissy-girl can act out her twisted fantasies on her dolly collection or something instead, but not on her f*cking units! Gott hilf mir doch! That kid could win an award for the most chest-less girl of the century. Who gives a toss if she's under ten? And mann! Have you seen her old lady? I now think I know where the little witch gets her looks from, kesese! Maybe if I grope that old bat she'll kick me out for a while so I can write in my awesome journals in peace." _

"What, kick him out? What the hell's wrong with him?" Prussia was suddenly looking serious, which was odd.

"Well, if he hates it there so much then-"

"Yeah but if he's kicked out he- er," Prussia stopped for a moment a shook his head, "Never mind, I'm still reading!"

"_That'd be awesome... yeah, awesome. But seriously... It's so hard to release tensions in this crappy prison. Last time I ran into Francis and got creative, old bat found us and started screaming about us possibly tainting her little princess' purity. Heh! Who really gives a fuck? Yeah, I conked out halfway through England's lecture on STD's anyway. That guy talks crap; I bet he hasn't even gotten laid himself yet. Virgin bum._

_I'm gonna hit the sack now. This sucks. Are you feeling the FML, people?_

_His awesomeness Prussia, Gilbert Beilschmidt, signing out!_

_Oh, and btw, this wireless is fucked DX"_

After the last one Prussia read a few in silence and I examined my fingernails. Kind of long... I should cut them soon...

"Um... Mother Russia?"

I turned to the door. I hadn't noticed it open, but there was Little Russia shuffling from foot to foot. "Yeah, what is it?"

"Dinner is ready! Yao says we should all eat together as a family!" Little Russia looked happy.

"We're not a family!" Prussia snapped and for once I was apt to agree.

"Yeah I mean, it's cool if you want to call me Mother Russia and all, but that doesn't mean we're related."

Little Russia frowned and bit his lip. "But, we should still all be together for dinner, and then no one will be lonely, da?"

... fucking illegal cuteness. "Fine," I sighed and got up from the bed, "Come on Gilbert, might as well get this over with."

"Can I go back online later?"

"No."

"Bitch."

On that note, the three of us trooped to the kitchen where China had somehow magically conjured enough chairs to give everyone a seat, though some people were lacking a surface to put their plates on. At the table were two empty seats that Prussia and Little Russia quickly took up alongside Tony and America. That left myself, China and Panda-aru without an eating surface and while the latter two likely had accepted this fate, I wasn't thrilled and went into a rant over how someone had better give up their table place because I'll spill food from my lap and the plate is hot. China then pointed out that I could eat off the counter top. Alright. I am an idiot. I've been proving that a lot recently. Let's move on.

With dinner finished I was assisting in tidying up, it being my house that was messy I felt more inclined to help with such matters then back when I lived with my parents, when the phone suddenly rang. Leaving the dishes in the sink, I answered. After the Corey fiasco, this could only be one of two people, my mother or my editor. It seemed this time it was the latter.

"_Can we meet in person?_"

Well there was a phrase I didn't like to hear in a phone call with my editor.

"You know, most people start conversations with a friendly hello," I offered.

"_Most people don't try to hide from their editors when they've already pushed back their book release date a whole month. You ARE still working on that right?_"

"Obviously," I said rolling my eyes. I noticed that the few Units still in the room were watching me curiously, that is China, Little Russia and Panda-aru. Everyone else had left to do... whatever it is they were doing. Where were my dogs and cats? Oh right, phone call. "So why do you want to meet anyway?"

_"Because I need to go over some of your plot you've outlined for me in Heart of Darkness, as well as some issues I have with Chapters five and six. It's just easier in person. Plus I haven't seen your face in close to two years and I think it's a good idea if we met up again just to make sure you're the same person I started working with._"

I sighed. Normally I would fight this, but my house had become insane anyway so... "Alright fine, when are you coming by then?"

"_Actually, I would prefer if you would come to my office in Toronto. That would be easier on both of us I think, plus there's someone else you need to speak with, your publisher. I can't handle everything with that you know._"

I groaned. "Toronto? You know I hate that city, Cindy."

"_Yes, well you'll have to suffer through it. I'm sorry, but it would only be for a day, I'm sure you'll manage._"

"Easy for you to say," I muttered into the phone, "Fine, whatever, when should I be there? Next week?"

_"The 16th would be better._"

My eyes widened. "But that's just the day after tomorrow! I need to plan for that you know!"

"_How much planning do you need? Just get a hotel room and write it off later as a business expense._"

"You're so-!"

"_Please? Come on, you know you don't want to disappoint me._"

"I... phht, fine. I'll be there."

_"Thank you._" Without further discussion she hangs up. Of course.

"Well looks like I have a business trip," I sighed, hanging up the phone.

"Oh? Where are you going-aru?" China asked as he finished putting away the last of the clean dishes.

"Toronto, I need to speak to my editor and publisher apparently. It's kind of weird, I haven't spoken to them in person for two years now, but I suppose getting away from you guys for a while won't hurt much."

"Oh, we can't go with you?" Little Russia asked from the floor.

"No you can't," I said in irritation, unmoved by the cute look for once. Not that my will power was getting stronger, I was just rather tired. "Now then, I'm going to bed and you all know where you're sleeping. Goodnight."

"Er, but it's only seven-aru."

"Yeah okay, when I said 'going to bed' I meant 'going to watch naughty videos and read naughty Fanfiction for a few hours and THEN going to bed."

"... oh-aru."

"Yeah. Goodnight!"

And I followed through with that without interruption thank god. The next day I was awoken rather early for some reason, though I can't for the life of me remember what that reason was right now. I'm sure it will come to me later. Anyway, I got up, dressed, had breakfast in chaos again and set about packing things up for my trip tomorrow. I figured if I left early enough I could reach Toronto by the afternoon. Unfortunately America caught me packing and decided to interrogate me on just where I was going.

"Toronto on a business trip, only for a day," I muttered quickly as I searched through my drawers for something worthy to be worn in an office. There wasn't much in there.

"Toronto? That's a big Canadian city right?" America asked.

"Yeah, so?"

"We could go Christmas shopping there!"

"Are you still on about that? With what money?"

"I'll pay you back!"

"No way."

"AW!" America pouted, "But, but, it would be fun anyway! It's so boring here; I want to go somewhere fun!"

I gave him a scathing look. "There is not a chance of you or anyone else coming with me!"

"Please?" America gave his best puppy dog eyes.

"No and that's final," I said simply and pulled a wrinkled blouse from the bottom of my drawer. It would have to do.

"Hmph..." America stomped out of my room. I thought he had given up, but when he returned with four other Units who were all somehow convinced by America to give puppy dog faces at the same time it was just flat out cheating.

"Gah! Fine! You can come, but if anyone gets lost I'm ditching them!"

"Kesesesese..."

"And no purposely letting Ivan get lost!"

"... unawesome."

After shooing them away I finished packing and the rest of the day was spent trying to figure out who exactly would fit into the car and what stuff everyone was going to bring with them. Finally we ended up with myself in the driver's seat obviously, Prussia in shotgun (how he swung that don't ask me), China, America and Little Russia would span the back seat with the returned Gilbird on Prussia's head and Tony riding on America's lap since he could look like a stuffed toy anyway. I swear to god I'm forgetting something but what it is I just can't...

Well anyway, that was cleared up and here we were on December 16th at nearly 1pm, just entering the blasted city of Toronto. Prussia's mood seemed mostly cleared up but he kept staring out the window dejectedly at points so he was still depressed. Tony didn't like sitting on America's lap much either. China was staring out his window with little Russia on his lap and between them Canada was sitting quietly with Kumajirou looking a bit-

Oh shit THAT'S what I forgot! Right, that morning some chick had shown up at my front door with a crate and a manual for America. I was afraid they'd sent a new America Unit and was going to send it back but America came out singing that old Miley Cyrus song 'Party in the USA' at the top of his lungs and Canada came out asking him to shut up. But otherwise it wasn't that exciting of an arrival so that's probably why I forgot about it. Plus Canada sort of faded into the background after that, what with the excitement of preparing to go on a trip and all.

Though I think something might've gone on between him and Prussia. When he had seen America they had a bro hug and America left to go be annoying elsewhere, but Prussia seemed to grope Canada and got the guy freaked out a little. I would have thought Prussia would be all over him for the cute reaction, but from the little I saw before I... somehow got bored and turned away, Prussia kind of backed off. It was weird, I guess he was still messed up over Corey. Hope he gets over that soon because it's kind of depressing to deal with.

Anyway yeah, here I am, you're all caught up. I fucked up Prussia's relationship, I got a new Unit and I'm going to Toronto to see my editor. Lucky, lucky me. Do you know I had to order two hotel rooms for this lot? Stupid expenses. How did I get suckered into this? I am not impressed.

"Turn left here," Canada says softly from the back. I glance at him in the rear view mirror.

"How do you know?" I ask curiously, making the turn since my GPS is about to tell me to make it anyway.

"Because I'm Canada... all Hetalia Units are made to know the Geography of their country and the maps of all their major cities..."

"Oh," I say, for lack of anything better.

When we reach the hotel we intend to stay in, I'm quick to get my Units to bring all my stuff to my room for me. Well, mostly America did it... anyway it was good to put them to some kind of use. The two hotel rooms are connected by a door, so I don't have to worry about them getting kicked out on a different floor or something and not hearing about it until way later. After this I announce that I'm going to see my editor now and they are all to STAY PUT until I get back. Then, and only then, will I CONSIDER taking them out to look at stores and things.

Then I head out into the sunny street. Yes, it is sunny in Toronto. And I suppose if there's one sort of nice thing about Toronto, the smog is thick enough that in the winter they don't have much snow. So it's easy to head over to the subway system and start making my way to the building I know well from the first year I worked on getting my first novel, Wings, published.

What, you think I'd take my car around Toronto? No freaking way, I'm not used to Toronto driving anymore and I don't want to try it again. Too scary, have you seen those motorists? I mean it's no Paris France by any means but geez...

Anyway I get on the subway, sit in my seat and prepare to wait the three stops when suddenly I hear a shockingly familiar voice behind me.

"Hey, um, don't I know you?" I'm pointed from behind by a woman with brown skin, black poufy hair with a dyed blond streak and glasses I could only describe as 'hipster'. Her clothes were stylish, her voice was mellow and I knew her immediately.

"Hannah? Holy shit!"

_((Joyful Note: Writers of today's blog posts are 3R15UK0UM31, stabbythings, Zaskaea._ _Yes I know there was more than that submitted but I didn't want to try putting too many in one chapter, since it's a little distracting, even though I enjoyed reading all of them!_

_... yes Hannah, you've just begun your cameo. But this won't be like other 'friend cameos' I swear! You'll only last one or two chapters and will actually hold some relevance and importance to the story! I swear I know how to make this work. Trust me!_

_Now then, this was a short chapter at only 20 pages and its taken way longer than it should have to get up. I know. I'm a horrible person. Hopefully the next part is out sooner. I have no clue. BUT AT LEAST I'M STILL GOING!_

_Geez, not much even happens in this chapter either... well next chapter a whole load of things will happen so hopefully that will make up for this. I may not be sorry for how long it's taken but I AM sorry for not having enough happen in this chapter. Sorry about that._

_ANYWAY, still no one has guessed the name, here's 3 more clues:_

_This name has 2 spellings on the Baby Names website and one is of French origin, the other of Hebrew origin. I'll accept either as correct and even use it, but I mean the Hebrew one_

_This name is used in the Bible. So... that ought to help_

_It starts with a letter in the second half of the alphabet (so that means anything N through Z is fair game)_

_Yep that`s it. Again, sorry for the short chapter where not much has occurred. The next will have a lot more stuff. And remember, the 100th reviewer gets to commission a one shot from me as well as the person to guess my main character`s name. Bon chance!))_


	9. Why Are Units So Hard To Explain?

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 9~ Units... Damn It's Hard To Explain These Things...**

_((First news: 100 REVIEWS! Congrats to invisiblecanada who sent that 100th review in, your story is about half done and will be posted in a couple of days. But thank you to everyone who has made this possible. I will also give a one shot to my 200th review if I'm lucky enough to reach that far._

_Also, someone totally guessed my main character's name. Actually a few people guessed it, but I must comply to the one who guessed first. So contest is over, but I'm not revealing the winner yet. I haven't gotten very far on this person's one short, but it will be published after the name is revealed. Congrats to the winner of that too.))_

Right now I'm staring at Canada and wondering how the hell we managed to lose all my other nation Units in the span of mere hours and also wondering how the hell we're going to get them all back. But obviously there was a lot of lead up to this point so I'm going to jump right into some back story on the person that I mentioned meeting on the subway before we left off last time because I'm sure that you at least have some mild curiosity over who she is. Or, more likely, not. After all, she isn't a Hetalia character or a character from another published universe, but for the sake of explanations I'm going to explain her anyway.

Hannah Klein was one of my best friends from high school. She's half German, half Jamaican, and we met in a communications technology class in grade nine. We became class friends in grade ten drama classes and then progressed from good friends to best friends throughout the course of the rest of high school and into college and university. She went to a college in Toronto while I attended U of T so we were able to visit each other fairly regularly, but after I left Toronto and moved to the house I still live in to this day, at the time it was much emptier upstairs, I sort of stopped calling her and we fell out of touch. Interestingly, she helped me move my stuff to my current house as well, so she is one of the very few old friends I have that know where I live right now. Not that this has led to her trying to contact me or anything, but I always seemed to be the one that called her- even in high school- so when I stopped calling she never bothered to call me and, like I said, we fell out. But to the best of my knowledge there has never been bad blood between us, so there was no reason this reunion should be anything to avoid.

"Hannah I... I honestly cannot believe it," I said, blinking hard as if my eyes were deceiving me.

"I know right? I haven't seen you in years, man. How've you been doing?" Hannah gave the easy going smile I knew her best for. I relaxed completely. Hannah just oozed the sense that she would listen to anything you had to rant about and then make some noises of vague agreement that wouldn't be particularly useful as advice, but would at least make you feel like you've gotten things off your chest. Very useful for an independent soul such as I, who enjoyed a good rant yet detested being told what to do. In recent years I'd been ranting solely on interest message boards and random live journal posts and I rarely read the replies to these since I had a fear of flamers that I had never completely overcome.

"I've been good," I said, nearly robotically. "I... well I... really haven't gotten out much I guess?"

"Yeah... you're a writer full time now, right?"

"Yeah."

"I read that first one, Wings, really hot stuff." She grinned. Well that was only natural. Wings was a quasi historical boy love romance novel between Achilles and Patroclus, who were so obviously gay for each other in Greek mythology that a book just had to come from it. I'll be the first to admit my writing never got that good again. "Haven't read your others though."

"Oh that's fine, they suck anyway."

"Oh, that sucks."

"Yeah."

"I thought I heard something about your penname putting out a new one next summer."

"Er, we're pushing it back to the fall." I wasn't going to say why unless she asked.

"Aw, how come?" Damn it.

"Er..." I sighed, "I'm lazy?"

Hannah laughed at that and said her trademark, "Oh no!" Coming from other people this might seem an out of context cry for help, but from Hannah it was more of a... cry of laughing sympathy? It's hard to describe. Nevertheless, I grinned back at her. This was... surprisingly easy. Of course Hannah and I had always gotten along well.

"So where are ya heading off to now?" Hannah asked, still smiling away.

No reason to lie here. "I'm going to see my publisher and editor. Business trips suck." I made a face and Hannah nodded. "So what are you doing out?"

"Oh, I'm just heading to meet Ishmael for lunch." I nodded at this. I remembered Ishmael; he'd been dating Hannah online since high school and had moved to Canada from Georgia (the state, not the country) about five years ago to be closer to her. So I wasn't surprised that they were still together.

Still, it seemed a good place to comment. "You two are still dating huh?" I grinned.

At this Hannah's smile fell. "Oh, um... actually we're kind of..." She lifted her left hand. A diamond sparkled from the ring finger.

My jaw dropped. "Holy crap... you're engaged?"

"Um... we're married actually!"

I stared at her.

"You're... wha-?"

"Um, we've been married for about... two years I guess?"

"Two years and... How did I not know this?"

Hannah shrugged. "Um, well it was on Facebook but I guess you never checked so..."

"Yeah I... I've been really out of touch huh..."

"I would have invited you to the wedding, but we hadn't spoken in two years so I wasn't sure..."

"If it would be appropriate, yeah I guess it..." I nibbled on my lip. I had missed one of the best friends I'd ever had getting married? I'd been left off the invite list? "Well, er, congratulations then?" I laughed nervously.

Hannah laughed a bit too and nodded. "Yeah, thanks man."

"And um... sorry I wasn't there."

Hannah waved her hand dismissively. "Aw it's alright; it's not as if it's your fault."

"Right, well, sorry anyway," I said, looking away with a slightly red face. My stomach was twisted a little too, but for now I decided to try to ignore this. After all, I hadn't seen this girl in years; I had to make the most of this chance meeting since I doubted I'd get another chance to reconnect. "Um, so..." I frowned a little, not sure exactly how to invite her out to... lunch I guess? Not coffee, I don't like coffee... oh what the hell! "Want to get together after my business meeting and catch up a bit?"

Hannah looked at me with surprise and then smiled. "Oh yeah sure! No problem man! Do you want my home address?"

I nodded, "Yeah, sounds good. Oh, and do you have a cell phone?"

Hannah nodded. "Sure do. Do you?"

I shook my head. "No, but give me your number so I can get a phone and call you when I'm done, okay?"

Within a couple of moments, I had a piece of paper with Hannah's contact information and I felt a little excited. Whatever I missed in Hannah's life, it seemed that I had been given the chance to be friends again! That was nice, if I'd sort of missed anyone during my years of being disconnected from the past then it was probably Hannah. After all, she was my fellow fuijoshi, my fellow rotten woman searching entertainment media for every scrap of boy love we could draw from it. I hoped she was still into that... oh well, that's not something you can just give up!

Anyway, at my subway stop we were forced to part ways. I left her as she continued on her underground journey and took myself topside to the sidewalk. I was in the business district and, having gone there many times in the early days of my author career; I automatically turned the corner and headed for the building that housed my editor's office. It wasn't long before I was traipsing across a familiar lobby with grey tiled floors.

I approached the front desk, behind which a dark haired man was glancing at paperwork and appeared bored out of his skull. He was clicking a pen cap open and shut repeatedly and when he noticed me in front of him he looked surprised.

"Oh, hey!" he grinned, his teeth looking a little... sharp about the canines. "How can I help you today?"

I frowned slightly at his happy appearance. I don't usually like talking to secretaries and people behinds counters and desks. I know they must have boring jobs and all, but I don't like being social with them just to alleviate that boredom.

"I have an appointment with Cindy Withers. Just tell her I'm here, okay?" I said, and I'll admit I probably sounded a tad irritated. I may have been glad to see Hannah, but I still hadn't wanted to make this trip in the first place. Not in the mood to attempt a social attitude.

The guy behind the counter sighed. "Yeah sure, whatever, that's all I ever do around this dump..." the guy sighed and pressed button on the phone in front of him.

"_Yes, Cindy speaking_?" came the voice through the speaker.

"You have an appointment with, er," he looked at me. I rolled my eyes.

"_Wait, is it my girly?"_

"Girly?" the secretary blinked.

"_Wearing glasses and scowling like the devil?"_

"Uh..." he looked at me. I scowled. "Yes?"

"_Well how about that! I thought she was going to skip out again. Send her up!"_ The line beeped to signal that Cindy had hung up. What the hell, I don't skip out that much! Well, it wasn't like I was called in that much... though I suppose I had also neglected to pick up the phone sometimes... and I probably wouldn't have bothered if America wasn't begging to go shopping... a-anyway, I nodded briefly to the man behind the desk before heading briskly to the elevator. The journey up to the third floor and down the tiled corridor was uneventful as I only passed one person on the way and we didn't even make eye contact. Finally I knocked on the door, checking my watch as I did so. Oh, I was twenty minutes late. That might be why Cindy was worried. That makes sense.

"Come in then girly!" That was the loud voice that boomed through the door and I sighed before opening it. That was Cindy: loud, friendly, and calling everyone lacking a penis 'girly'. Just one of her strange Newfoundlander quirks I guess. Not a big deal though.

I opened the door and looked inside. Not much here had changed in the years I'd avoided this place. It was still rather cramped with books, binders and loose papers lining shelves along every wall. The desk Cindy sat behind was stacked high with documents and she had a printed manuscript in her hands. Since she had been expecting me, it was likely the manuscript for Heart of Darkness that she wanted to go over with me. Apart from that, Cindy herself looked... tired. When I say that I mean more tired than she usually did when I visited her. The perpetual dark circles around her eyes were darker than ever, she reminded me of a raccoon. Her straw blond hair hung limp around her head as though she had been skipping showers and her simple white work shirt was rumpled and had a few coffee stains around it. Speaking of coffee, I noticed a large Tim Horton's coffee cup on her desk and several more in her overflowing garbage can. For all this, she still seemed to have a friendly smile when she looked at me, so I figured the caffeine was doing her some good anyway.

"Hey girly!"

"Hey Cindy."

"Come on, have a seat!" Cindy pointed to a chair that was currently occupied by a box full of yet more papers. I moved it to the floor with a slight grunt of effort and sat down.

"Cindy. You look terrible," I said this bluntly because, damn, she did look terrible. "How long have you been in the office?"

Cindy sighed and straightened one of the binder piles on her desk. "Well, I have a publishing date due next week and one of my authors JUST sent in the last twelve chapters last night," She waved the manuscript she was holding. Huh, not mine then. "Let's just say that right now I'm running entirely on coffee. Thank goodness that Train kid is downstairs; I think making coffee runs is the highlight of his day so he'll do them at the drop of a hat."

I raised an eyebrow. "Train? So like, he's in training or something?" Lord knows I don't really keep up with modern office slang.

Cindy shook her head, still grinning. It was a little maniac looking, that grin, now that I think of it... "No, his name's Train. He came in a few weeks ago with a girl about sixteen who was looking for a job for him. The girl seemed to do most of the talking, but Train did well in the interview and has a good resume. He seems pretty bored with it, but it's not the most exciting job anyway, so I try to give him things to do when I can."

I nodded. "I can understand that I guess. Now then," I folded my arms. I didn't want to be stuck there any longer than needed. "What exactly did you want to talk to me about regarding my novel?"

Cindy opened her mouth for a moment, and then closed it. She seemed to think for a moment before answering, probably trying to clear her sleep deprived mind enough to speak. "Well, I would love to get right into that, but I don't like repeating myself in this state and we're still waiting on our publishing representative, so how about we just kill time? How have you been doing?"

I bristled. "What? I'm already twenty minutes late! How the hell is the publisher running later than that?"

Cindy groaned and rubbed her forehead before rummaging through one of her desk drawers. I waited as impatiently as possible as she pulled out some Tylenol and popped a couple pills in her mouth, washing them down with her coffee. Yuck.

"Well apparently she had some car trouble and had to wait for the taxi company to come get her, she lives on the outskirts of Toronto with her family. I don't like it either, but if she had been kept waiting you would probably have gotten yelled at for it, so count yourself lucky."

Lucky. Phht, sure. "So I haven't met this rep then, what's she like?"

Cindy shook her head. "Dragon Lady, she'll make absolute certain she gets what she wants."

"And what does she want?"

"Well, aside for you finishing that book within two weeks so I can finish editing it in half that time, I'm not joking, she's going to present three cover ideas and she already picked which one she wants to use if you catch my drift."

I rolled my eyes. "Well I don't care about the cover that much. As long as I get paid I'm fine. But two weeks?" I took this moment to give a dramatic shudder. "God, there goes my free time."

Cindy's smile turned rueful and she leaned her chin on her hands. "Because we all know you have so little of that."

My eye twitched. "Well, I don't these days it seems, or at least since last week."

"Oh? Why so busy?"

I sighed. "What do you know about Units?"

A look of confusion crossed her face. "What kind of units?"

"Um, they're..." I trailed off, and then shook my head. Too much work to explain if she didn't know. "Never mind. Let's just say I suddenly have a lot of house guests I wasn't intending on having. Actually, not so much guests as boarders. Yes. Who don't pay rent very well. Though admittedly China- er- Yao cooks, which is nice."

Cindy nodded, but her eyes were glazed over so I'm assuming she was falling asleep so fast she hadn't heard a word I said. I groaned, scratched my wrist absently, and sat back in my seat until Cindy suddenly snapped out of her semi-comatose state for a moment.

"Oh, er, what were we talking about?"

"Nothing."

"Come on girly, you were saying something about having... guests over was it?"

"Yep, something like that."

"So are they family? Friends?"

I laughed, a little bitterly, "More like pains in the neck. They do keep calling me 'Mom' though."

Cindy seemed to suppress a giggle of her own. "So are you babysitting?"

"Ah..." I paused at that and thought about it. They were all younger than me, and I kinda had to... sorta take care of them... well not really... "No... no it's not really babysitting. They're just living with me. I'm trying to make them get jobs."

"Well there can't be much out where you are. What's the town closest to you again?"

"Duran," I said bluntly, "It's small, about a half hour away. I don't care, I get most things mailed over the internet anyway, and we got a new Wal-Mart in town recently, so there's that. I think there was one there before I moved there, but it got... I think it was flooded, or burned down or something... I don't know... but they got a new one now."

"So can they get jobs there, then?"

"I suppose so. They need their resumes straight first."

The two of us sat there like that, making small talk, for another forty minutes before Cindy's phone rang. It was like a gift from above because God knows I hate having to make so much small talk. I'm better if I can either rant about something, or just absently nod while someone else rants or tells a story. I don't like casual banter of 'so, how are you?' 'Good, how are you?' 'Weather is nice.' 'Yes, it's weather-y'. Stupid... anyway, so Cindy got a phone call, and Train sent up the apparently Dragon Lady.

When the woman walked in, I couldn't help but sit up a little straighter in my seat. Cause damn she was intimidating. While Cindy looked tired and friendly and a little underweight, this woman was alert, serious and was wearing a suit with leg creases so sharp you could probably slice bread with them. She was a bit plump too actually. The suit was black, the blouse a crisp white, and her red hair was done up in the tightest bun I had ever seen. In fact, the only thing interrupting the image of a cold business woman was a series of kind of cute freckles dotting her nose and cheeks, but other than that I could tell this was someone I'd rather not mess with. Her mere presence was like an alien on another planet amid all the clutter.

"Hey girly!" Cindy smiled at the newcomer.

"That's Ms. Weasley to you."

I stared. There was a silence as the other two obviously waited for me to greet this woman. Obviously I said something more along the lines of, "WHAT?"

This had to be some kind of joke. A woman with red hair and freckles called Ms. Weasley? Ridiculous! I mean, Harry Potter! It's just... too... wait. Wait a minute.

Because what if... what if this woman was... b-but that couldn't be. Because if... if she was a Unit, and Units could get jobs like this, where they were in charge of other people and their jobs then... w-well that was... how could...

Who the hell gets a Molly Weasley Unit anyway?

"What do you mean, 'what?'" the woman, Mrs. Weasley? Holy shit... well she spoke and her eyes narrowed and... damn... she was scary...

I swallowed a bit, "Well, you know... your last name is Weasley... and you've got... red hair... so um... Harry Potter reference?"

Ms. Weasley dropped the suitcase she had been holding and GLARED at me. Oh god oh god... "LOOK HERE MISSY! We're already OVER AN HOUR late for this meeting, I've got THREE KIDS to feed at home because their DEADBEAT dad won't cook a bloody meal, and I will NOT be made fun of by the likes of you! I KNOW that it's funny! I KNOW! I'VE HEARD IT BEFORE YOU KNOW! WELL FUCK YOU OKAY? FUCK YOU! NOW LET'S SIT DOWN AND TALK LIKE CIVILIZED ADULTS!"

I squeaked and shrank in my seat. Scary lady... I guess maybe she wasn't a Unit... then... maybe... creeps... I glanced at Cindy who looked rather alarmed as well. Ms. Weasley tipped over the second guest seat, spilling the books on it over the ground before sitting down looking incredibly irritated.

"Er... so," Cindy cleared her throat and pulled out another manuscript, this one clearly having my book's title on the front page. I supposed we were getting started then. Over the next hour and a half, I was subjected to glares and anger. Not fun. The cover that was pushed on me was disgusting by the way. Two pale hands holding a black Valentine shaped heart with a purple glow. It looked... Twilight-y... yuck. Still, like I said, I didn't really care. Besides, the goal of my writing was to make money and despite everything shitty about Twilight it made some goddamn money. So that was that. Also, I agreed to the two week deadline without question because... who the hell could fight with this woman seriously... scary... I-I mean, I'd totally backtalk her or something but... she kind of my boss in some quasi way I guess? Anyway, she wasn't someone I should piss off, I knew that much. Even if she wasn't my boss she sure as hell carried herself as if she were and I'll be damned if that doesn't count just as much as actually having power over a person.

Then Cindy started going on about this and that in my novel. I'm not sure why we couldn't have discussed this in the forty minutes we waited for the Dragon Lady, but maybe she didn't want to be interrupted? Whatever, in the end I mainly agreed to shorten the length of chapter three, re-write the living room scene in chapter seven and cut out the section where apparently I'd been giving a history of Queen Elizabeth I for no real reason other than the fact I had just been to a website about her and wanted to spew out all the new information I'd just collected. Simply corrections could have been done in an email. In fact, all this bullshit could've been done online. Stupid Cindy, not living in the right century I'm telling you.

The moment Ms. Weasley deemed our meeting concluded, she stood, bid us a brief good day, handed us both a business card and marched out the door. I'm a little surprised she didn't slam it behind her. I can't imagine why, after all that she had managed to get everything she wanted including both Cindy and I cowering at her shadow. But... well some people just have problems I suppose.

"Sorry about that, girly," Cindy laughed a little to break the tension left in the Dragon Lady's stead. "Not sure what her problem is, but it's nothing against you personally."

"That I gathered," I sniffed, "Anyway, I've got things to do so..."

"Leaving already?"

"Seems that way."

The smile left Cindy's face suddenly and my lips quirked down as well. Cindy frowning? "Honey, I want you to take care of yourself okay?"

"Huh? Er... okay?"

"Remember to eat three times a day and sleep eight hours a night."

"Phht! Like you're one to talk!"

Cindy smirked for a moment before turning oddly serious again. "I just worry about you. I hope your guests stay for a while, it's not good to be alone as much as you are."

I sputtered at that. "I-I'm not alone! I've got two dogs and two cats, they're company and... and I go into town sometimes!"

"Well you should go out with friends sometimes too, have a few drinks, and live a bit."

"I _live_ just fine! And I'm hanging out with an old friend right after this, so I have to go meet her, okay?"

Cindy's frown continued. "Alright girly... have fun."

I nodded and headed for the door directly. I pushed it open when it occurred to me that she... probably didn't believe that I really was hanging out with someone after this. "Cindy... I really _am_ hanging out with a friend after this. Her name's Hannah. She's married. Her husband's name is Ishmael."

My tired editor seemed to brighten at this and gave a warm, genuine smile again. "That's good. Treasure your friends girly, you need them in the world."

Pausing just a moment longer, I quickly muttered a goodbye and left. When I got to the lobby Train offered a wave but I didn't bother returning it. I wanted to get out of the building, get back to my hotel room to check on the peanut gallery I left there and then call Hannah. I mean, I didn't go to my editor to get lectured or anything, even if... well I was kind of excited about talking to Hannah again so... it probably _had_ been too long... Anyway, Cindy didn't have to point it out, I KNOW I've dropped out of everyone's lives these past few years! So... yeah.

Roughly fifteen or twenty minutes later I navigated the subway back to my hotel, fighting the crowds of Toronto that I'd moved far away to avoid. A quick check of my watch showed me it was about 4:40pm. Not that late, but I was getting a little peckish. I wondered if Hannah would expect me to stay for dinner or not... better ask about that. At any rate, I reached my hotel room door and heard some quiet talking on the other side. That was weird as I had expected chaos. Then again, if that were the case we would probably have been thrown out of the hotel I supposed. I opened the door with my card key.

Oh, I never did really explain these hotel rooms in detail did I? I mentioned that there were two rooms connected by a door but otherwise... alright, so they weren't that much to write home about. There were two double beds in each room, so they weren't that big. The space was snug, but both beds in each room faced a flat screen TV about... 32 inches I guess? Something like that. There was a satellite system, and the bathroom was clean... the tub's rim was a bit high... the colour pattern differed between the rooms. The one I had just entered had a yellowish colour on the walls and cream coloured comforters on the beds. The other room had whiter walls and blue comforters. The walls had some pictures of flowers on them. Also, the beds on either side were backed against the wall opposite the door between rooms, so with the door open those in the beds closest to the bathroom could see each other.

So knowing that floor plan was what I left the room with, the first thing I noticed was that the room I'd opened now contained all of the blankets and pillows from both rooms. I also noted that the mattresses of the beds had been moved and the beds were pushed together, with the mattresses holding up the sheets in a giant fort. The sound of the TV could be heard, but I couldn't see the TV. I did see a cable leading inside the massive pillow/mattress fort though, so I'm guessing it was inside.

I... I didn't know if I should be furious or impressed actually, though mostly I wondered what possessed them to do this to an innocent hotel room in the first place. Only one way to find out, so with a deep breath I walked over to where there was a small part in the blanket and pulled it back.

"Hello?" I asked in a flat voice. Immediately I was faced by a silence save the TV playing some sit com and four, er, five pairs of eyes. Nearly forgot Canada again. Damn it, so that even works on Canadians does it? Anyway, I noticed that of all the nations I'd left here, Prussia and China appeared missing. After a moment of blessed silence, Little Russia jumped up and tackled me into a hug. Damn cute little bugger, breaking the silence.

"Yay! Mother Russia is back! We can eat dinner now, da?"

"Hey Mom! Check out our awesome fort! It's totally like Superman's fortress of solitude!"

"Um... I told them they shouldn't mess up the hotel room but they didn't listen... maple..."

"Who?"

"I'm Canada..."

"Fucking Canuck, why'd you take so long?"

"Alright, alright SHUT UP!" I growled, giving Little Russia a pat on the head before peeling him off me. "Yes, I'm back, that's great. And nice fort, I'm not going to lie," at this I smirked just a little before turning on my serious face again. "But _why_ did you feel the need to tear up our hotel rooms to build it?"

"I told him not to..."

"Because it was AWESOME! DUH! And I was bored!" America let out his usual boisterous laugh and I sighed deeply. I did not want to deal with this bullshit right now.

"Fine, whatever, I don't care right now. Where's Gilbert and China?"

Little Russia piped up this time. "Big Brother Prussia left about an hour ago to get ice, and China left to go find him a short time ago!"

"Oh, well, figures I guess..." I muttered. Well if China was on the job he'd find Prussia eventually. Probably. In any case, I had to call Hannah. I left the trio of nations along with their bear and alien in their 'fortress of solitude' and headed for the phone. After a moment spent digging out the paper with Hannah's contact information and ten minutes spent trying to figure out how to call out on the hotel phone, my friend's voice came over the ear piece.

"_Hello?_"

"Hey Hannah, it's me," I said with a small smile on my face. It felt kind of good to say that to her again.

"_Um, me who?_"

My mouth fell open and I was silent for a bit. She... she forgot what my voice sounded like? Damn it... well, best way to cover up sadness is to speak with an edge of sarcasm, so that's what I did. "Oh, I don't know, who did you meet after all these years on a subway train?"

"_Oh! Oh sorry, you haven't called in a long time so..._"

"Yeah... yeah I know..." I sighed.

"Who're you talking to?"

"Shut up Alfred," I mutter, covering the mouthpiece while addressing him. "Stupid! Can't you see this is an important conversation? You'd think the tone of... voice... oh yeah. Can't read the atmosphere. Never mind." I muttered and waved him away.

"_Right so, how long are you in town for?_"

"Oh, I'm probably going home tomorrow-"

"What! We haven't even TRIED to find Christmas presents yet!"

"Or maybe the day after..."

"Damn right the day after!"

"_So you should come over tonight then probably, huh?_"

I laughed a bit, feeling awkward for some reason. This shouldn't feel so awkward... this was Hannah! "Uh, yeah, looks that way!"

"_Well that's no problem; want to stay for dinner too?_"

"Sounds good! Oh, what's your address?"

Hannah relayed me her address and I was quick to write it down on back of the paper with her contact information. Once I'd quickly said goodbye I turned to America who was looking grumpy.

"So, I'm leaving again, watch the room for me, I'll be back in a few hours probably..." I said, trying to get past everyone, but within a moment Little Russia was clutching my leg and America was standing in my path. Damn it. "What? What the hell could you possibly want now? I'll take you shopping tomorrow!"

"Yeah but I'm hungry!" America snapped.

"Um, I kind of am too... eh..."

"No! Mother Russia can't leave already!" Little Russia sobbed, rubbing his face into my knee. Damn it damn it damn it...

"HERE!" I yelled, digging out a couple twenty dollar bills from my wallet (I had taken some money from the ATM when I got to the hotel) and handing them to America. "Buy pizza! Eat, enjoy! I'm going to see a friend I haven't seen in years, providing I can navigate Toronto with my GPS."

"Um, excuse me eh..."

I glanced toward my invisible Canada who had somehow made himself heard for once and waited for him to continue. When he noticed he'd actually caught my attention he flushed and fidgeted for a moment before answering. Damn moe Canada...

"Um, m-maple, well, if you need to find where your friend lives, m-maybe you could b-bring me along, eh? Th-then you can just use public transit too and... and save on gas... so you don't need to fill up again until we're closer to home?"

I stared at Canada. Well that sounded... reasonable. He apparently knew Toronto as he said before; I'd save on money... it sounded okay anyway...

"Well... alright, but I'm going to call Hannah first to see if she's okay with a guest..."

"No fair!" America gasped, stamping his foot. "I want to go too!"

"No, you have to watch Ivan," I said, pointing to the kid.

"But, I want to go with Mother Russia too, da?"

I shook my head and glared. No amount of pleading was going to shake me this time. "Bringing Matthew isn't going to matter. Bringing his noisy brother and a toddler it doesn't look like I'm related to probably will. It's not happening. Just order a pizza, play in the fort, and watch TV. Make sure everything in the hotel is back to normal by midnight I guess. Something like that."

Ignoring the protests still arising, I marched to the telephone and called Hannah up again.

"_Hello?"_

"Yeah, it's me again, when I come over can I bring a... a friend with me?"

"_A friend? Oh sure, no problem!"_

"Cool, thanks," I said with a smile and after a brief second goodbye I hung up again. "Okay Mattie, grab your coat and we're out of here!"

America looked pissed. "This isn't over!"

"Yes it is," I said bluntly and after ushering Canada out the door into the hallway I slammed the door in America's face. Silly America, you cannot defeat my iron will! And thank god I was able to shake off Little Russia too. Probably wouldn't have if I'd looked down at... at his... face...

Damn it he was still clinging to my leg.

"Matthew!" I said quickly looking away from the tiny Russian before his cuteness could stop me.

"W-what is it?"

"Get Ivan back in the room please."

"Oh..." I shut my eyes as I heard Russian protests, some yelps from Canada and finally a door opening and shutting.

"Er, I got him back in eh..." Canada said and my eyes opened. I smiled at him.

"Thanks bro."

"Eh? Oh, n-no problem!" Canada laughed a bit in his soft voice and the two of us left the building. As we headed onto the sidewalk and I followed Canada into the subway I wondered vaguely where Prussia and China would have gone... ah they were probably fine. Just fighting or something. Probably. I had more important things to worry about! Like the fact that there was a creepy hobo staring at me while I was waiting to pay for my subway ticket, fucking creepers...

I believe we rode a total of three different subway cars and a bus before the two of us were heading down the street toward Hannah's apartment building. It seemed that Canada was right, he knew the city well. That was good; I sure as hell didn't have much of a grasp on it. Yes, Canada was a useful Unit to have. Plus he was quiet, so I didn't have to make any despised small talk on the way until the apartment was in sight. By then it was about five and seeing as it was winter it was already pretty dark out. Of course there were no stars to be seen, this being a heavily populated city with enough smog that it was a wonder that the sun wasn't blotted out if you want my opinion. Which you must or else you'd hardly still be paying attention to me because I don't think I've been doing much more than state my opinions on things since I started talking about all this crap. But whatever you like to do or listen to in your spare time is none of my business, so don't mind me.

"Um, so, that's the apartment..." Mattie mumbled as we walked, pointing it out.

"Uh huh," I said blandly. I was glad we were close though, it was cold out. It was really going to suck taking transit back late at night, Mattie better not get us lost...

"S-so..."

"Mm?"

"D-do you think that your friend will like me?"

"Hannah?" I scoffed, "Of course she will! She loves Hetalia too... well not to the extreme I do... maybe not as much anymore I wouldn't know but... well she likes it. And she likes cute characters, and you're nice anyway, she's nice... it'll work out. You'll be fine."

Mattie seemed to relax. "Good, I'm glad. So is it just her and us, then?"

"Yeah, and her... her husband," the word felt odd in my mouth. I still could hardly believe she was _married_ of all things, "Ishmael. He'll be there too."

"Okay."

Soon I was calling up Hannah's room and she buzzed me into the building. It was a medium rise apartment and she was on only the fourth floor, so it was but a short elevator ride. It was made longer by the fact they were playing that goddamn 'Soul Sister' song in the little moving room. How was it, all these years later that THIS craptastic song was still alive and kicking? Okay, it was a bit catchy in terms of the tune, but the lyrics were terrible. 'Your lips stick stains on the front lobe of my left side brain'? References to an untrimmed chest? Disgusting if you ask me. Stupid song, why can't it just die already?

And then I was finally there, standing in front of room 403. I raised my hand, hesitating before knocking three times. There was a shuffle and a muffled voice I recognised before the door swung open revealing Hannah smiling behind it.

"Hey man, how've you been doing?" my grinning friend bobbed around a little bit. She always did have problems staying still. I strained to force a smile back, it was only polite and I WAS happy to see her, I just felt awkward is all.

"Well enough," I shrugged and wondered briefly if I should go in for the hug. It was always a hard decision with me at the best of times. Normally I wasn't much of a hugger. In the later years of high school I kind of forced myself to hug my group of friends at school since it was their preferred greeting, but since then I had only hugged family and close friends, and in the past years of isolation I've hugged... well Little Russia and my pets. That was it. And I'll grant you that I'd hugged Hannah in greeting and parting before, but that was when we had seen each other every few days. She hadn't even invited me to her wedding wondering where our relationship was now. But I hadn't really seen her in years not counting the subway today. So did that warrant a hug? I... I really didn't know. Why was hugging protocol so weird!

Of course I ended up waiting too long and Hannah ended up standing aside for me to walk in, cancelling the opportunity for a hug greeting as far as I was concerned. Well... that was that then I supposed. Once inside I gestured to my guest.

"This is Mattie, Mattie, this is Hannah."

Mattie gave a small, shy smile with pink cheeks. Really laying on the moe thick he was. "Hello, nice to meet you."

Hannah nodded and directed her warm smile at him. "Aw, well it's nice to meet you to! Sheppard's pie for dinner, is that okay?"

"S-sounds good to me!"

"Sounds great to me!" I loved Sheppard's pie! Hadn't had it in years though due to assembly being required and me being too lazy to assemble anything that took more than ten minutes usually.

Hannah walked to the left and I got to have a clear look at her apartment. Hannah had entered a small kitchen area, about a quarter the size of my own, though hers didn't have a dining space. Her plastic dinner table was in the far corner of her living room space, near the door to the balcony. On my right was a short hallway that likely had her bedroom and bathroom leading off it somewhere. The living room itself was cluttered, with a large TV on an overfilled entertainment... wood... thing... whatever that's called. She seemed to have a surround sound system too. Grouped around the TV was a coffee table covered in what appeared to be random junk, though I noticed some manga. Still an otaku, good to know. Apart from that there was a couch and a recliner, and a computer desk in the corner opposite the dinner table. Sitting in the recliner was a large wall of black man that I easily identified as Ishmael. He turned his chair around when Hannah tapped his shoulder and he blinked, pulling ear buds out of his ears as he turned to look at us.

"Hi," he said with a short wave and an uncertain smile. He never seemed very talkative around me, but I suppose that wasn't an issue.

"Hi," I replied, pulling Matthew forward. "This is Mattie."

"Hi," Ishmael repeated.

"Hi," Mattie said, looking intimidated. Well, like I said, Ishmael is a big guy, even sitting you can tell that much. Tall and wide. Not fat though, you could never call him fat. Well you could, but you'd be wrong. He had that kind of... well it didn't quite look like muscle, but you knew it wasn't fat or else his gut would be larger... anyway he was intimidating to look at. But I knew he wasn't a bad guy or anything, so I strode easily by him and sat on the couch, pulling Mattie with me so he wouldn't just stand frozen in fear. Seriously, I wasn't feeling particularly patriotic right now.

When I sat on the couch I happened to notice a couple of other things in the room, such as an electric keyboard near the door. I remembered something about Ishmael trying to be a musician at some point, so that was probably his. I wondered if Hannah still had her stash of Lolita outfits... she'd started making her own not long before I left actually... you know, actually being in her house was stirring a lot of memories I didn't know I'd forgotten about Hannah.

"Yeah, so it should be done in about twenty minutes," Hannah said as she grabbed a chair from her dining area and pulled it over to sit near us. "That okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" I asked with a shrug. Suddenly Mattie tugged on my sleeve and leaned up to whisper in my ear.

"There's dirty socks everywhere..." he whispered. I blinked.

"What?"

"I said-"

"I heard you," I fought not to roll my eyes.

"What did he say?" Hannah asked. I noticed that Ishmael had put his ear buds back in.

"He said that there're dirty socks everywhere."

Hannah blinked, and then laughed, "Yeah, I guess there kind of are, oops."

I frowned and scanned the room more carefully. Huh there... were kind of a lot of them... three on the floor... one half hidden under the recliner... two on top of the TV... one on the lamp shade- how'd I miss that one? It cast a shadow! What the hell...

"So, is Mattie your boyfriend then?" Hannah asked. I stiffened as he blushed to his ears.

"No," I said sharply. "He's like, nineteen; do I look like a cradle robber to you?"

"Woah, okay man, sorry, I just wondered why he was with you... so does he work with you? Kind of weird since he's so young then... oh I should probably ask him about this, huh?" Hannah laughed and turned to Mattie, who seemed completely surprised to have suddenly become the center of attention.

"Oh, um..." Mattie glanced uncertainly at me and I rolled my eyes and nodded to him. Yes he could speak, obviously, what was he looking at me for? "Um... w-well I... well I kind of live... i-in her house as a... as a..."

"As a boarder," I finished for him. Okay, maybe he shouldn't speak if he was going to have problems like that.

"You take boarders now?" Hannah looked surprised. Admittedly, I had told her when I moved last time that I would never, ever share my house with anyone ever again save for my pets. Clearly that wasn't happening anymore.

"Seems like it," I drawled out and stretched, taking a quick look at the clock. Nearly six now, I had lots of time to catch up. "So, aside from getting married, anything else new happen while I was away?"

"Oh, same old same old," Hannah laughed and leaned back in her own chair, "Got a new job in graphic design though; I'm doing the art and movement for one of the supporting characters in an upcoming RPG. Pretty cool stuff."

"Still sewing Lolita dresses?" Thought I might as well ask, and it seemed like it was a good question since Hannah's whole face lit up at that.

"Yes, I totally am. You should see my newest one after dinner, it's so... so... squeal!" Ah, yes another strange quirk of Hannah I'd forgotten. She occasionally said the word 'squeal' when she was excited. God I missed her, it really hadn't hit me until right then but damn I... I really did.

"Still into yaoi?"

"How can I not be?"

"Fujoshi to the end!" I giggled and she joined me as our giggles turned into light cackles that made both men in the room look at us in alarm before Ishmael returned to listening to his music and Mattie returned to counting threads in the carpet or whatever he was doing. I didn't really care just then.

"Oh, I found this new series that's so cute! It's called..."

Yaoi, bringing girls together since... since it was legal to talk about it I guess. While Ishmael and Mattie seemed determined to tune this out, Ishmael going so far as to disappear down the short hall into the bedroom, Hannah and I launched into a massive discussion and giggle-fest over whatever yaoi related things we had found recently and reminiscing about yaoi of the past. It was like being in high school again, beautiful. Soon the oven timer went off and dinner was served. Ishmael and Mattie now had no choice but to listen, so Hannah at least took pity on them and forced the subject more on what we've been doing lately apart from getting our jollies off of men fucking each other. I personally didn't care if they were uncomfortable, but if my friend insisted, I'd stray from the topic.

Instead, I got to hear how Ishmael had released a moderately successful album online and his Youtube channel was really helping with selling songs to the public. Then I got to talk about how my new book was coming and I talked about meeting my editor that day and the Dragon Lady that walked in and that's when I screwed up a bit...

"I swear though, when I saw her, the first thing I thought was, 'Holy crap, is that a Molly Weasley Unit? Who buys a Molly Weasley Unit?'" I laughed, then my eyes widened. Well... fuck.

"What's a Molly Weasley Unit?" Hannah asked good-naturedly. I didn't know exactly what to say. That was when Mattie surprised me.

"Uh, my mast- er, sh-she meant that she just looked like um... Molly Weasley was it?"

"Yes?" I said, blinking at Mattie's attempt at a heroic save.

"Yes... m-maple so... she just meant that... eh?" he looked at Hannah who seemed a little confused by Mattie's hesitance but brushed it off with ease.

"Oh, okay," Hannah nodded.

I couldn't really add more to my recent events since that involved talking about the Units, and I really would rather avoid that. Even if I stuck with my 'boarders' story I could easily mess it up and reveal something, and Hannah might recognise the countries by their human names... best not to tread in those choppy waters. I didn't want to explain the Units because firstly, I didn't know how to explain what they were properly. Secondly I would then need to explain about Mattie, and thirdly Hannah would probably want to meet them and well... that wouldn't be that bad but... well I didn't want her thinking I ordered them because I was lonely or something... cause I didn't...

Whatever! The point is I didn't want to mention it so I wouldn't! I didn't have to!

After dinner, Ishmael turned on a hockey game on TV. This obviously peaked Mattie's interest and soon he was cheering for the Maple Leafs while Hannah took me into that short hallway. It seemed there were two bedrooms and the second one she used for sewing. A compact sewing machine stood in a corner with unused material propped against the wall. A mannequin stood nearby that with a half finished skirt over it. The shirt was pink with ice cream cones on it... adorable. I quickly also noted that there was a closet full to bursting with dresses.

"You've been busy," I noted as Hannah shut the door and started pulling out dresses to show me. Some were brightly coloured, others more plain, but all were cute. Well, it was Lolita, obviously it was cute...

After a while, we collapsed back into talking about yaoi. Hard to stay away from the topic really.

"So, is Mattie..." Hannah trailed off after her interruption from our discussion on how much L and Light need to fuck each other senseless. I knew what she meant.

"Is he gay?" I paused a moment to consider that, "He... he's at least bisexual." That should solve the issue.

"That's so cool!" Hannah's face suddenly turned a little perverted, "Has he tried anything at your house yet?"

"No, _he_ hasn't."

"Someone else has?"

I stopped myself for a moment and slowed myself down. If I spoke too fast I'd say something wrong... why was I going into this territory? I should change the subject... "Er, well this one guy... Gil... he's gay and brought his boyfriend home and went at it on my living room couch!" Not that I would mention watching this on camera. For Hannah, it would probably be a little too much... a little... anyway it wasn't something to tell people.

"You're joking!"

"I'm not."

"How many people do you have living with you then? You have a lot of bedrooms and spare rooms, right?"

"Right, um... I have five living with me right now. Mattie and his twin brother, he's a pain in the neck. Oh, and Gil obviously. Also an Asian guy and his... and his... and a little kid named Ivan that the Asian guy takes care of."

"Asian?" Hannah gasped, "Is he Japanese?"

"Phht, if only!" Not a lie, Japan was third favourite Hetalia character after Russia and France. God I'd kill for a Japan Unit... not available to me right now obviously but still... "No, he's Chinese."

"Oh... still though."

"Yeah."

There was a silence between us. It lasted a while. Finally Hannah broke it.

"... hey um... you know... I missed you..."

I smiled, a bit sadly. "I missed you too... sorry for falling off the earth like that. "

"Are you going to do it again?"

"Huh?"

"When you leave, are you going to... you know, stop calling again?"

I stared at her. It was a good question. "Um well... you can call me too... you know..."

Hannah's eyes widened as if the thought hadn't occurred to her. "Oh... oh yeah!"

I shook my head. "You never were the one to call me to do things, I was always calling you. You should call me sometimes!"

"Well you have to call me too man."

"I definitely will."

"So what are you doing tomorrow?"

"I think I'm going Christmas shopping since Al insisted..."

"Al?"

"Ah, er, Mattie's brother," I winced a bit. Damn it mouth, quit talking! I know it was 10pm then and you were tired, that's no excuse!

"You brought your boarders with you?"

"Um... seems that way."

"Did you bring all of them?"

"Er... right again?"

"So... you're all friends?"

"... kinda sorta not really..." Hannah looked confused. "Don't worry about it."

"If you're going shopping... mind if I come with?"

When she said this I smiled. I wanted her to come, obviously! Shopping in Toronto with Hannah... we could go to China Town, the Pacific Mall... it'd be awesome! Crap er... fantastic! It would be fantastic! Damn it I'm not using Prussia's word... But still as fantastic as that would be, that would mean Hannah would meet the rest of the Units and the odds of her figuring this out then was very, very high. I mean, America and Prussia... and China they would... and obviously Little Ivan. I mean Mattie was generic! Quiet! He was safe to be around her but the others, she'd know instantly.

On the other hand... well on the other hand if she met them personally and figured it out maybe I wouldn't need to spend all that time explaining...

Hannah was one of my best friends in the world...

Er...

"Y-yes... yes you can come! Sure! Just... how about you meet us at the hotel, I'll give you the address, and you can meet us there at like, nine thirty or something?"

Hannah agreed. So that was it then. We would go shopping together and she would meet the Units. I'd have someone from my old life back who knows everything about mine. Hell, maybe she'd take a Unit or two off my hands for me; I could do without America and Prussia, Canada was useful for directions and China made good food and Little Russia was... adorable... so they had their uses. (Kinda). But Prussia and America, unless they got jobs soon, were pretty damn useless to me unless Russia came soon. I really, really hoped Russia would come soon...

It wasn't long after this exchange that the two of us said our goodbyes. Hannah took us down the elevator to the front doors. Mattie excitedly babbled about the hockey game and I tuned him out as we walked toward the bus station. Finally Mattie quieted after a while as we were on the third subway car and I was nodding off and had to be shaken awake when we reached the final stop.

We walked to the hotel, took the elevator to our floor and I fumbled to open the door with my card key.

The first thing I noticed was that the pillow fort remained intact. That was annoying. The TV was off though, so I assumed the others were inside it or something. I checked the other room first to be sure. No one there. Then I checked the fort.

No one there either. Well, almost no one.

"Who?"

"...Your owner's owner."

"... oh."

"N-no one's in the bathrooms either..." Canada said softly, having checked when I asked him. I knew that empty, cold feeling in my stomach; it was the feeling of panic. It was a sickening sensation it... oh fuck it. Fuck fuck fuck. I was worried about the bastards. Why the hell was I worried about those bastards? Well... maybe not all of them. Like I said, I liked China's food!

"How the hell did we lose everyone in seven hours?" I asked Mattie helplessly. The Canadian shrugged.

Which brings us up to now, as we head out of the hotel room to question the front desk about my Units whereabouts. I could tell that no matter how much I wanted to sleep right now, this was the start of a long night. Goddamn it WHY THE HELL DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME? FUCKING HELL PRUSSIA IF THIS IS YOUR FAULT I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AND BE DONE WITH IT!

_((Joyful Note: Yep, still alive. You may have noticed that a lot of this did not include the Units at all. You also may have noticed that Hannah might be a reoccurring character. Yeah... yeah that's probably going to happen now... sorry if you don't like that then. _

_Also, no Prussia blog posts today. No room for them. But when they get back home we'll be able to answer more so there's that._

_Again, invisiblecanada's one shot should be done in a couple days, it won't take too much more to write it out... the name guesser has to wait until the name is revealed... yeah... okay so I hope you didn't mind this. I'm curious as to how my OCs are accepted... they are somewhat important to my story, seeing as my character's major problem is that she needs to get back in touch with the real world... damn this going to be a freaking huge fanfic when I'm finally done with the bugger... how I'll get so far I don't know...))_


	10. The Case of China

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 10: The Case of China**

_((Joyful Note: Yep. Back again. Seriously, why do you all seem to love me so much? Guess I'm just too awesome for explanations... anyway... so this particular part is my second deviation of POV, coming at you live from the character of Yao Wang aka China. Why have I done this? Well... his side of events is much more interesting than my main character's side at the moment. If my main was voicing her thoughts right now it would mostly be, I would imagine, rage, rage, rage at having to find her other Units. I did a POV for Prussia already, so... here's China. Yay. However... it's in third person limited. I can't quite put myself behind China's eyes, so we'll settle for reading his mind and be done with it, savvy?))_

Yao Wang has few duties in his new life with his mistress and fellow Units, but the ones he has are full time and very important to the welfare of the household. His first duty is to protect and care for the intensely cute child form of Russia. His second is to cook meals for the household of Units and creatures that seem to increase in number every other day, although admittedly this isn't too much trouble as he does enjoy cooking most of the time. His last task is to keep Prussia out of trouble.

This last task is not, strictly speaking, assigned to him. No one told him to do anything beyond preventing the albino from, oh, throwing Little Russia off a balcony or into a den of lions at the zoo or something of the like. Yet still Yao felt that, ever since that day when he had been placed in charge of their small group on their mission to find and purchase a new computer monitor and had lost the albino in a snow storm, he should probably keep a better eye on Prussia. Especially recently, as Yao was rather good at reading the mood and had been able to tell that Prussia had been rather upset the last day or two. The Chinese man had no idea why he was upset, but the lack of attempts on Little Russia's life had sent a good message that all was not well. The lack of appetite was also a factor, as no matter what quarrel the two had together Prussia seemed to be growing quite fond of Yao's food and tended to take second and third helpings when possible. Although there was no concrete reason to care about the Prussian, Yao had decided that he was to be the leader of the Units while their mistress was away, the 'big brother' if you will, and in that position he had the duty of caring for every member of the makeshift family regardless of whether he personally liked them or not. So Yao was worried.

All this is why, when left alone in twin hotel rooms and the Prussian had without warning gotten to his feet with his little bird on his head, muttering something about getting snacks, and had not returned for half an hour Yao decided that he would take it upon himself to go searching for the melancholy Unit. It was his brotherly duty after all. At first he had been hesitant to leave Little Russia alone with America, but ultimately he decided that America seemed to hold no hostility over Russia's younger version (though this wasn't quite mutual on Russia's end) and after some more thought Yao suddenly recalled that America's brother was around somewhere too and would probably manage to keep peace. That's what he did right? Right. So after telling the other Units to stay in the room and not to leave unless their mistress returned, he left them. As he closed the door he heard America gleefully say something about building the best pillow fort ever. Yao winced a little, hoping they didn't make too much mess, but at the least it sounded like a somewhat safe activity.

And so, Yao went out to search for Prussia. He expected, having had half an hour, the albino would have made it some fair distance in whatever mischievous venture he had gone off to involve himself in but soon it was shown that he hadn't gotten that far at all. In fact Yao only had to reach the ground floor of the hotel before he spotted the man standing in front of an old pinball machine, using rather impressive reflexes to keep the ball going much longer than the average ten year old that might play such a game. Gilbird sat on his head as usual. Yao sighed in relief that he hadn't gotten into trouble and began to approach his fellow Unit when he noticed that he was hitting the paddle buttons... perhaps a little too hard? And his shoulders were shaking a bit as well.

"Er... Gilbert? Are you okay, aru?" Yao asked in concern. He didn't need much intuition to know something was wrong.

At his voice, Prussia's hands appeared to seize up and the pinball rolled off the paddle, sounding the buzzer. Letting out a short hiss followed by a colourful swear word, Prussia quickly gripped the machine hard enough that had his skin not already been so his knuckles would've turned white. He turned his head to face Yao. The Chinese man was surprised to see that his eyes were redder than usual. Not quite bloodshot, but they were a bit pink about the whites, and bright, and glaring hard at the Asian.

"What the fuck do you want?" he said this in a croak that zapped most of the venom from the words. Yao nibbled his lip before replying.

"You hadn't come back-aru, I just wanted to check on you."

"Well I'm fine so go back and play with that fucking creepy future rapist!"

Yao felt his skin prickle and he glared back in annoyance. "I am just trying to help-aru! Don't be so brash with me!"

"Well I don't want help from a fucking Russia sympathizer!"

"I-I'm not a Russia sympathizer! It's just... he's cute as a child okay! And... and it's my duty to look out for him! Our mistress-"

"Yeah our fucking almighty 'mistress' is a bitch and fuck her too! Why the hell are you still here?"

"I have no idea! Fine, play this stupid game forever-aru! You're completely irrational-aru!" Yao turned and headed for the elevator, but as he reached it he looked back to see Prussia, instead of going back to the game, heading out lobby doors and towards the streets of Toronto. "Where the hell are you going-aru?" Yao called after him.

Prussia sent a look of loathing at the Asian. "I'm just getting some gott damned fresh air, is that okay with you?"

"No it isn't! If you need fresh air there's a balcony in the room!"

"Yeah well I want a walk."

"We're supposed to stay in the hotel! Our mistress-"

"Yeah well fuck whatever 'Mom' said, I'm out of here."

"G-GILBERT!" Yao cried hoarsely as Prussia left the building. After a moment of hesitation, the Asian drew himself up and followed the albino into the streets of Toronto, not even noticing the stares of fellow guests and hotel staff who had been watching the scene they'd just made.

He also didn't notice a white haired man half hidden behind a newspaper nearby who after a short moment rose to follow them. He was rather suspicious looking but in haste one tends not to notice things. Especially upon realising that Prussia had taken off at a rather high speed, warranting an impromptu footrace that was roughly evenly matched, even as they dodged startled pedestrians. Shining moments included when both Units leapt over two sleeping homeless men and when Yao had to dart into traffic to get around a group of teenagers blocking the entire sidewalk upon exiting a side shop. He managed to avoid getting clipped by a truck but it was a close call. Still, it did not slow the Chinese man's pursuit and Prussia started to take notice.

After six blocks of this, Prussia seemed to finally give up and stopped running, allowing Yao to catch up. After a moment of heavy breathing from both parties, Yao finally gathered enough air into his lungs to ask why Prussia was acting like he was about to be arrested-aru.

"Because I want to be by my awesome self!" Prussia huffed and folded his arms. Yao was about to retort when he noticed that the two of them were still in the middle of the sidewalk and blocking traffic. Grabbing Prussia's arm he dragged him with some difficulty into the mouth of an alleyway. Luckily it was broad daylight so that though the alley was dim, it was far from dark and other than beer cans and broken glass it was deserted of anything or anyone.

"Alright-aru, why do you want to be alone?" Yao asked with a frown. No matter how difficult Prussia was being he was clearly upset and if he were to get lost in Toronto there were a number of bad things that could happen to him. It was best to avoid the option and find the source of his irrational behaviour.

Prussia's teeth ground and his posture stiffened. Clearly he did not want to talk about it, at least not with Yao. In a way perhaps this was understandable as so far their only interactions have been combat and arguments. It was strange that he felt such hostility towards Yao though; the two Unit types had no such incompatibilities as far as the source material of the Hetalia franchise dictated. In fact, as far as Yao could recall, the two had no scenes together in it at all. Aside from observing Prussia Units during his time at Unit Co during mass auditorium meetings and occasional group meals, Yao didn't think he was at any time required to spend time with any Prussia Unit in a one on one setting as he had spent with his assigned... well, his assigned Russia and South Korea Units for example.

Therefore Prussia should theoretically treat Yao with indifference... perhaps they had gotten off on the wrong foot with regards to Little Russia. In any case, Yao felt it was time to find some kind of peace between them. If he was to be the acting older brother in the household he needed to create a sense of order and could not have this fight with Prussia all the time.

In aim of this, Yao tried his best to look determined but at this same time open to whatever Prussia had to say. His eyes widened, but mouth tightened, and his shoulders straightened which displayed his annoyance and only caused Prussia's eyes to narrow. With a sigh, Yao abandoned the posture and settled for a more worn out appearance. He was a bit drained from this anyway so it wasn't that hard.

"Listen-aru I know that we... we seem to have... we do not see eye to eye," Yao began slowly and Prussia scoffed without a change in attitude yet. "But... you honestly seem upset and... I wish to help-aru!"

Prussia looked away. "As if you could help. Fucking unawesome..."

"Well I can't even try if you don't at least tell me what's wrong!"

"FINE!" Prussia suddenly yelled, causing an elderly couple passing by the alley to peer down in worry. Seeing both Units standing far opposite each other on the wall, looking angry but not to the point of physical violence and Prussia waving them away impatiently the two left them again looking somewhat reassured and Prussia's voice dropped again. "I... was dating a guy and we... broke up recently. I, uh, I guess."

After this admission Prussia's eyes became trained at the ground, his cheek pink as he muttered about things being unawesome. Yao was left staring at Prussia.

"I, er, I didn't know you were dating someone-aru. I wasn't aware our mistress-"

"Stop calling her that, it's fucking pretentious," Prussia growled.

"Then what should I call her-aru?"

"Just call her Mom, duh, that's what the rest of us are doing."

"She's not very motherly-aru..."

"Yeah," Prussia's lips quirked up a little here, "But she hates being called that. Just do it."

"Er... well I guess for now... anyway! I didn't know 'Mom' knew anyone else with Units compatible with you."

Prussia went silent again for a long while. "It... wasn't another Unit. It was just a guy named Corey. He works at the liquor store."

Yao's eyes widened. "Did our mistr- whatever-aru! Did 'Mom' approve that?"

"Yes she did okay? Gott, she's the one who kind of set it up I guess..."

Yao looked less concerned, but still uncomfortable. "I... suppose that's okay... right?"

"Don't know, don't care."

"Right," Yao swallowed, "So you broke up with him?"

"Er..." Prussia groaned low in his throat and scratched the side of his head. Gilbird ruffled his feathers slightly. "Well we didn't say it or anything but... he found... he um... he found out I was Unit. Cause that fucking idiot 'mistress' fucking told him!" Prussia snapped from his slightly awkward tone and dove right into anger. "Like... what the fuck! Gott, I told her I didn't want him to fucking find out! And yeah, he didn't want to be with me anymore because of it! Well..." Prussia hesitated a moment, "Well actually... I wasn't really expecting him to react like that. I was kind of more worried that he'd order another Prussia Unit or just treat me differently but... gott..."

Yao listened in numb silence, not sure how to respond at first. Finally after it sunk in completely Yao did his best to answer. "Well... maybe it's for the best that you broke up if the alternatives were still unsavoury to you. And anyway... are relationships not supposed to have honesty? If he cannot accept you for whom you are, then you're better off without him-aru."

Prussia leaned against the alley wall and refused to meet Yao's eyes. "Yeah I know. I just... liked being around someone who didn't know I was a Unit and still wanted to be around me... you know?"

Yao didn't know. He'd never been in that situation before or felt the need for such a thing. But he nodded anyway as if he understood. "In any case, this is all in the past now. It's best if you forget about this boy. Besides, if you were still with him when Russia arrives I would fear for his life anyway."

"Oh shit I totally forgot that freak's still coming!" Prussia looked up wildly at Yao. "Fucking hell! Seriously, that bitch already has the mini version and he's fucking creepy enough, what the hell does she need with a full sized-"

"He's not creepy-aru!"

"Yes he is! Stupid kid needs to be introduced to the underside of a fucking steamroller..."

"DON'T YOU DARE!"

Prussia snorted. "He'd deserve it."

"Leave him alone-aru!"

Yao couldn't help these responses; he had been born and raised to protect children. It was in his DNA and he couldn't stand to so much as hear a threat against a child in his care and not react this way.

"Nein! That kid is fucking insane. And he knows it! Hell, he'll probably do everything Russia Units are made to do at Unit Co on his own because he'll still think it's the natural way to do things!"

Yao swallowed here, every word Prussia said was true but still… "Even so... _he_ still hasn't done those things-aru. And he's still young. It's... it's possible that we could raise him differently..."

Prussia's laugh was bitter. "Yeah, I guess. He gets to be the fucking exception. Why the hell can't we all be?"

Yao's brow furrowed. "I don't know what you mean-aru."

Prussia's eyes rolled. "You know what happens when the company finds out they sent out a fully grown Unit that acts differently than programmed."

Yao's skin paled. He nodded. There were a few ways it could happen but this was one of the two most common causes. "Yes... I know-aru... we're... 'de-activated'..."

"Yeah, a nice way of saying we're killed," Prussia snorted. "Not that it usually comes up as a problem. Look at you! You couldn't act different then programmed, you wouldn't know how!"

"Well, why would I want to-aru? I'm fine with who I am!"

"Well even if you weren't you wouldn't have the option! But that damn kid... as long as he stays his malevolent creepy kid self for a year or two until he reaches what would normally be the next stage of his 'programming' he can grow up to be whoever the hell he wants... or however he's raised by us and 'mom' I guess. He'll never have to worry about that! As for us, we don't get to be anything outside the 'modes' we can be programmed into because we're supposed to be fully developed and 'warranty approved' by this point. We're fucking stuck," Prussia ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, dislodging an irritated looking Gilbird. He had been sleeping during this exchange.

Yao was left to bite his lip. Prussia shouldn't be speaking like this in an alleyway, people might overhear... still it was fairly secluded. Strictly speaking Units weren't meant to speak of their programming or life at the company after they leave it anywhere there was even the slightest chance of a regular human hearing about it. Essentially they were meant to simply fulfil their roles as fictional characters come to life, what Prussia was now doing broke the illusion, the 'fourth wall' so to speak. It was forbidden... then again he'd already told their mistress too much hadn't he? And he was still alive so perhaps it wasn't as enforced as the Units had been led to believe?

So many questions arose in the Chinese Unit's head but for now he had to simply calm Prussia enough to get them back to the hotel. In this state... in this state he might be considering running away for good. Though it was normal for Units to leave on their own for days at a time, if a Unit is officially kicked out, or leaves intending to run away permanently... well it was the second leading cause of 'deactivation'. Yao had to prevent that, for Prussia's sake. He was about to try saying something comforting but Prussia let out a long sigh again, picking at the brick on the wall.

"I guess that... that might be part of why I don't like him so much..." the albino said quietly. His eyes suddenly glared defensively at Yao. "I still know he's an unawesome rapist-to-be alright! That's definitely the main reason! He's fucking creepy and deserves anything I do to him!" Red eyes suddenly avoided Yao's brown ones. "But yeah... I guess I... might be kind of jealous too... of him... just for that one thing... and..." his voice became harsher, "And he doesn't even fucking realise how lucky he is! Like I said, he'll probably do everything like he's supposed to because he doesn't realise that he has another option and Mom probably wants him to grow up like that anyway and won't do anything to stop it! Hell, she'd probably encourage it, the bitch!"

"Well, even so-aru..."

"Hey."

Yao and Prussia froze for a moment and glanced to the entrance of the alley way toward the familiar voice. The man they saw was familiar to look at too. Though both could assume they'd never met him before in their lives... not this one personally anyway.

"What the hell are you guys talking about so unawesomely in this unawesome alley? I saw you guys in the hotel, that was a fucking awesome argument and I thought I'd see you guys awesomely kicking the crap out of each other out here if I followed you!" the other Prussia unit, wearing a dark coat and a large grin, started cackling and then quickly sobered. "But this is just boring!"

Prussia, the one who was going through the emotional crisis, scowled deeply at the intruder. "Well fucking EXCUSE ME for not being awesomely entertaining right now!"

"H-how much did you hear-aru?"

"Hmm?" The other Prussia Unit looked at Yao and shrugged, ignoring his doppelganger for the moment. "I didn't hear much, I lost sight of you and just found you again, and I didn't really care what you were talking about." He grinned at Prussia... Yao decided then to start thinking of other Prussia as 'Gilbert' for the moment just for clarity's sake. Anyway, Gilbert grinned at Prussia. "So why isn't a handsome devil like you beating the tar out of this stupid Asian, huh?"

Prussia growled. "Because I'm not fucking in the mood! My…" he swallowed, "My boyfriend just fucking dumped me okay? Are you fucking happy now? Now go away, unawesome fuck!"

"Ne? Kesesese I'm totally awesome! But… shit, are you in Depressed Mode? That sucks... you need to get some bier!"

"As if beer is going to help him with emotional distress-aru!"

"Bier?"

"Ja bier!"

"… I don't have cash for bier…"

"I know somewhere dirt cheap, I'll pay for ya! Kesesese! Come on, I'll show you a good time! Awesome guys like us have to stick together!"

"… ja I… guess…"

Prussia began to follow Gilbert out of the alley but Yao was quick to follow, looking livid.

"What! You cannot go drinking-aru! We have to be back at the hotel before our mistress gets back-aru!"

Gilbert put an arm around a defeated looking Prussia's shoulders and smirked back at Yao. "Hey, loosen up! He'll be back, it's not like she'll leave without you guys, right?"

"It wouldn't surprise me," Prussia muttered. Gilbert shook his head, snorted, and led his clone twin away. Yao was left staring after them for a minute before dashing in pursuit.

Not ten minutes later Gilbert had led them down an altogether seedier looking alleyway than they had been arguing in before. Yao would likely have been more worried had he not been programmed to know five styles of martial arts. As it was, they continued down the alley a ways before they turned a corner and came upon a door so dirty it nearly blended into the equally dirty wall. Otherwise there was nothing remarkable about it.

"Kesesese!" Gilbert laughed at Yao and Prussia's surprised and slightly wary faces. "What's with those looks? This place is awesome! It's a bar, just for Units! Not many know about it, word of mouth only but how else can we make sure our owners don't find us when they want us? Anyway, you look like you need a drink! Let loose! Kesese!"

To this Prussia seemed interested; he even perked up enough to smirk. "A Unit only bar? Kesesese! Now THAT sounds like an awesome idea!"

"Kesesese! I know, ne?"

"Aiyah..." Yao sighed. Though admittedly he was intrigued as well. If they could actually guarantee that no regular humans were around with the possibility of listening in, then, theoretically, they could talk about whatever they wanted without worry of repercussions.

Gilbert knocked on the door loudly. There was a moment of silence, then some shuffling sounds. The door cracked open ever so slightly and a bright green eye.

"Password?"

"I'm too awesome to need a password!" Gilbert snorted.

The green eye narrowed. "Iffen ya don't want me to skewer yee, I suggest yeh state the password. And yes, I need it even if I know who you are already, ye git."

Yao twitched. "Is that... is that... England...?"

There was a pause behind the door followed by some dark chuckling. Yao stiffened. "That wouldn't happen to be a China Unit would it? Strange, they don't come around here much for some reason..."

Yao's blood boiled. It was a natural reaction, he was made to hate England but from the sound of the accent, altered just slightly and sounding a bit harsher, this was a Pirate England. If that were so... well... Yao might just have to wok a bitch. It was true that Yao was made to hate America as well, but it wasn't the same kind of hate. America was happy-go-lucky, and most of Yao's hatred came from his insensitivity and the fact he never paid back people he owed things to. It was more annoyance than strict hatred Yao felt, even if other China Units have been known to try killing an America Unit they're left with too long. But England... scars ran deep there, and though a normal England Unit would be changed enough from this stage in programming to offer some sort of civilly minded conversation, Pirate England... damn... Pirate England...

"I WONDER WHY-ARU!" Yao screamed and both Prussia Units turned to stare at the suddenly seething Asian as the door opened wide revealing a wide-grinning, pirate suit-wearing, clearly in the mood to rape a pretty little Chinese man, Arthur Kirkland. "Er..." Evidently, shit was going down.

Or it is imagined it would have. After all, the pirate lunged at Yao and Yao... well actually Yao kind of froze stiff. China Units aren't made to be particularly adept at fending off rape attempts from other, clearly dominant, Units. However as Arthur lunged Prussia unexpectedly got between the two, catching the pirate off guard and getting tackled to the ground instead.

"A-AH! P-Prussia?" Yao whimpered a little, looking shocked as Prussia grappled with Arthur on the ground. Gilbert looked surprised as well.

"What the hell is he doing?" Gilbert asked Yao as Prussia landed a few good punches only to get Arthur's hands wrapped around his throat.

"I-I... h-he's defending me but... I'm not sure why-aru..."

"Um..." Gilbert looked from the brawling men, to Yao, and back again. "I don't know why either. If it were me I'd probably help out and maybe get some tail too! Kesesese!"

Yao looked horrified. "Th-that's sick aru!"

Gilbert shrugged. "Well you live with a Prussia Unit right? Shouldn't you be used to this?" He grinned. "I bet he's groped you so much your ass sags!"

Yao flushed. "I-It does not! And neither does he- I mean, he doesn't do that!"

Gilbert's eyes widened. "He doesn't? That's weird... oh right! He said he had a boyfriend right? That's probably why. Don't worry, when he gets out of depressed mode he'll show you why he's awesome! Unless of course you'd rather learn from the awesome me! Kesese!"

"I would not aru! Anyway, this Prussia isn't like that!"

"For now maybe he isn't but like I said, when he's out of depressed mode... hell, enough this fighting could do it! But yeah, when he's out of it-"

"HEY!" Prussia yelled, having wretched Arthur's hands from around his neck but still pinned beneath the man, "Stop talking as if I'm not here! I can hear everything you're saying, I'm LITERALLY right at your feet and WHY THE FUCK IS NO ONE HELPING ME? GOTT!"

Gilbert shrugged. "I dunno, you were doing pretty well! Kesese! But yeah, hey Arthur! Get up and let us in already, I want a bier!"

"Then yeh better stop this loon who jumped me!"

"W-well if you weren't attacking me maybe he wouldn't do that-aru!"

Arthur rolled his eyes as he was grabbed by Gilbert and pulled back, though he wasn't fighting anymore anyway. Prussia's yell for help appeared to have snapped him out of his sudden need to brawl.

Gilbert looked at Prussia, seeming confused. He raised an eyebrow anyway. "Why the hell would you help him out anyway? Does he cook for you or something?"

Yao flushed. Was that the only reason? That was...

"Er, yeah he does do that..." Prussia admitted and Yao looked away. Prussia continued on gruffly. "But... well he was going to get raped and no one fucking deserves that." He glared at Arthur for a moment and then turned his eyes toward Gilbert. The other albino stopped a moment and bit his lip, eyes widening a second.

"Oh... like..." he backed up a little, unconsciously, his eyes holding a somewhat distant looking to them."Yeah I guess... I guess I can understand that..."

"What the hell are you sops going on about? Fine! You want a pint let's get one before you all bleed through yer undergarments like the girls ye are!" Arthur huffed, grabbed his hat, straightened it, and held the door open again giving them all a pointed look. Gilbert marched through without a thought. Prussia and Yao exchanged a short glance wherein Yao bit his lip and Prussia shrugged before he looked away. Then the two followed.

Arthur locked the door behind them and led them down a long hallway toward a door on the far end with some orange-yellow light leaking around the edges before turning and returning to guarding to entrance door. As they approached Yao noticed that a small din of music and voices were heard and it grew significantly louder as they got closer. Significantly in that when the door was opened the noise level was enough to cause the Asian Unit to yelp and cover his ears.

"Aiyah! It's chaotic-aru!" and it certainly was, what with animals flying and running under people's feet, guns going off, people brawling left and right, the heavy smell of perfumes and smoke and alcohol permeating the air and enough bodies rubbing up against each other to almost form a wall.

"KESESE! ISN'T THIS PLACE AWESOME?"

"WHAT ARU?"

"HE SAID THIS PLACE IS AWESOME! AND YEAH, I GUESS IT KIND OF IS! KESESE!"

"IT'S MORE A NIGHTCLUB THAN A BAR-ARU! HOW ARE YOU EVEN SUPPOSED TO MOVE IN HERE?"

"LIKE THIS!" With this declaration, Gilbert grabbed Prussia and Yao's wrists and charged into the crowd with a screaming cry of "I'M AWESOME!" and physically kicking aside various Units. Yao saw a brief flash of an Italy unit among the crowd as well as many varieties from other shows that the Asian didn't recognise at least in that brief and terror filled crowd crush. Finally Gilbert successful yanked and fought their way up to the bar, jostling himself between Ed of FMA fame (as part of Yao's programming he did have to watch some anime, not as much as the younger Japan Units were doing at Unit Co. but a fair amount) and a girl with ridiculously large cleavage. Honestly when it came to big breasted females Yao could recognise Ukraine of course but the rest of them would blend together over time, he could never tell them apart and it didn't honestly matter, to tell the truth.

Once a spot near the drinks had been secured, Gilbert turned back to ask Yao and Prussia what they wanted to drink. Prussia declared he wanted the best German bier in the house, whatever it was, but Yao scowled and asked stubbornly for some green tea. When he was told there was no green tea on the menu he scowled further, not pleased with the drunken mass around them and, having no desire to join in, asked for a ginger ale. Gilbert rolled his eyes but since all their discussions had to be at the top of their lungs in this bar he decided not to argue with the Asian and just ordered the drinks.

While they waited on the bartender, yet another large breasted wench, Yao looked around the room more carefully. It was smaller, he decided, than the amount of Units inside made it seem. He figured it was about the size of two, maybe three department store outlets put together, and the bar took up a decent amount of space. The walls were painted red, and there were no windows though big fans and vents stood in the corners. Even so, the place was packed full enough to feel like a sauna, though with so many lusty creatures roaming Yao didn't dare do so much as unzip his jacket no matter the discomfort.

"HEY, WHO RUNS THIS PLACE?" Prussia yelled at Gilbert. The other albino grinned widely.

"UNITS, DUH! KESESE!"

Prussia rolled his eyes and drained his bier. Yao presumed he felt the need to be drunk if he was going to actually have to deal with having a conversation with himself. Probably wise, strangely enough.

"I MEAN, WHO STARTED IT? LIKE, WHAT UNIT?"

"OH!" Gilbert polished off his beer and raised his hand to order another couple. "I THINK IT WAS... DAMN IT I KNOW! UH... OH YEAH IT WAS THAT ONE GUY! ALACARD! THAT HELLSING GUY YA KNOW? BUT HE ISN'T AROUND MUCH THESE DAYS, YOU PROBABLY WON'T SEE HIM!"

"WHY NOT ARU?"

"HIS OWNER MOVED TO A DIFFERENT CITY SO HE CAN ONLY COME IN WHEN HE CAN GET AWAY FOR MORE THAN A DAY, HE DOES MOST OF HIS BUSINESS FOR THIS PLACE OVER THE INTERNET!"

Yao had decided by this point that this conversation was loud and annoying. However, he wasn't entirely sure how to escape from it. They must have been out for at least an hour or two already, they had to get back to the hotel before their mistress but Yao wouldn't know the way back by this point and Prussia didn't seem to hold any desire to leave just yet, particularly as he got more and more sloshed. Yao sighed and sipped his ginger ale in a grumpy sort of way when he was abruptly jostled aside by a group of boys whose fanged grins showed them to be from some kind of vampire show. It was then that it occurred to Yao that he hadn't recognised anyone in the bar from anything other than anime shows. That was... well maybe not so odd if...

"IS TORONTO A FLYING MINT BUNNY DESIGNATED- uh... aru?" Yao trailed off when he noticed the Prussia Units were no longer it sight. "Aiyah..."

"Jao Jao!"

Yao nearly spilled his drink as a pair of arms wrapped around him from behind and lifted him clean into the air.

"AH! P-PUT ME DOWN ARU!"

"Jao Jao! I've been looking every-" the Russia Unit behind him hiccoughed, "everywhere for you! You will become one with Russia, da?"

"N-NO! HELP!" Yao kicked in alarm, smelling vodka heavily as Ivan breathed into his ear, leaning down to nuzzle at the Chinese man's neck.

"IVAN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU BASTARD?" There was a smacking sound and Ivan lurched forward, dropping Yao hard on his ass.

"Ow! That hurt, Romano!" Ivan pouted and glared at the Romano Unit that had come up behind him. "Why would you separate my Jao Jao from me?"

Romano rolled his eyes. "That's not YOUR Yao, stupid! He didn't come remember? Phht. You're drunk, let's go. SORRY!" Romano yelled at Yao, leaving him on the floor as he dragged the now puzzled-looking Russian away. Yao sighed and picked himself up off the floor, only to find himself suddenly grabbed by the arm and pulled toward a wall he was soon pinned against by none other than pirate England.

"AH! L-let go aru!" Yao wailed, thrashing about as a knee was shoved firmly between his thighs.

"I doubt ye'll be saved this time pet, yer knight in shining armour is pissed off his arse and I can't pass up a chance to get to ya when yer unguarded..." Pirate England laughed and pressed against Yao who had tears in his eyes, pushing back and struggling with only limited success. It wasn't fair! Yao had plenty of strength, hadn't he fought Prussia all those times? Why did all that strength have to flee when he needed it to stop himself from being violated?

No one noticed Yao and the pirate in the corner. No one would have cared if they had, except maybe Prussia but that man had lost track of Yao and his senses ages ago. Finally Yao was left against the wall, shakily pulling up his pants with tears running down his face. He wanted to leave, but the only door out would be past Arthur again and he couldn't go by there alone, he just couldn't! Why did this have to happen? He'd hoped that he could somehow avoid this here, if he stayed with his mistress but he hadn't managed even that.

Even so... it wasn't the first time. He would simply have to get over it. Taking a few deep breaths Yao ventured from the wall and went to find Gilbert and Prussia. After running into two other Prussia Units that were not the ones sought (these two were having consensual relations in a different corner) Yao finally discovered his Prussia at last, in the middle of the room screaming. Yao knew it was the Prussia he sought, of course, because he was wearing the outfit that their mistress had bought for him and he was mostly screaming because of a giant Russian on top of him who was being pulled on to no effect by a Romano Unit behind him. A small group of drunken bystanders appeared to be cheering someone on, though who it was hard to say.

Well, though Yao might not have the power to fend off rape attempts on his own person he certainly had the power to fight off other people's assaulters. Within a moment Yao had pounced on Ivan, pulling a wok from god knows where (even Yao didn't know, really) and hitting him hard over the head. The Russian man shuddered a moment and fell unconscious, on top of Prussia. Not the best situation, but at least he wasn't pawing at the albino anymore. Romano and Yao together managed to push Ivan off of Prussia as the bystanders dispersed. Prussia looked up at Yao with wide, completely bloodshot eyes.

"What happened aru? Where is the other Prussia Unit?"

Prussia shuddered and shrugged, "Other me... ran and... suddenly..." a hiccough and Prussia burst into tears. Clearly he had drunk far more than Yao would've thought he could've in such a short time.

"Come on... we're leaving this place," Yao said quietly, helping Prussia to his shaking feet and dragging him to the door, unmindful now about the possible danger of Arthur. Luckily the problem didn't come up, it seemed that at some point the door guards had changed and now a Train Heartnet Unit was grinning from the doorway, waving with a gun as they left. Yao gave him a wry smile. He certainly hadn't enjoyed his time at this bar. A bar for Units only... what a terrible idea.

Getting Prussia out into the street again, Yao remembered that he didn't know the way back to the hotel from there. He could ask someone, but he didn't want too much attention drawn to Prussia's shaken and drunken state and furthermore he couldn't leave the albino alone. So when Yao noticed a small park across the street he tried to ignore the pedestrians staring and supported Prussia all the way there and onto a park bench beside a barren bush. The cold air might sober him anyway, Yao thought.

After a while, Prussia groaned and massaged his temple. Luckily, as a German Unit he had a high alcohol tolerance and once he stopped drinking he could sober more quickly than most. Though he was likely still slow in reactions he had at least regained some sense from what Yao could tell as he began looking around him at the park.

"How the fuck did we get out here?" he asked after a moment.

"Did you black out-aru?" Yao sighed, "You were almost raped by a Russia Unit and I knocked him out with my wok."

Prussia froze and his eyes widened. He let out a hiss. "That's not funny."

"I'm not joking aru!"

The albino leaned forward and shoved his face into his hands. "Damn it, WHY?"

Yao rolled his eyes. "It's because in a bar for Units apparently no one cares about a rape occurring in the middle of the room."

Prussia was quiet for a minute. "Well... thanks for knocking him out then, I guess."

"You're welcome aru."

"And we're not going back there. Gott, that was unawesome."

"Of course we're not going back there-aru!"

Prussia sighed and looked up at the sky. "It's getting unawesomely dark."

Yao frowned. "You don't know where the hotel is from here, do you?"

"Nein. Do you know what it's called?"

"Yes, I suppose we should ask someone aru."

"Stop saying 'aru'. It's unawesome."

"Stop saying 'awesome', aru."

"Touché."

Rising from the bench, the two Units were about to go and find someone to ask directions from when a high ringing voice was heard to their left.

"YAO! GILBERT! WE FOUND YOU, DA?" The two turned to see Little Russia waving happily from atop America's shoulders. America was laughing as per usual. When the two pairs met, Ivan grinned and reached for Yao. "Now put me down, pig!"

America grinned and handed the squirming toddler to Yao who took him easily. "He's still a prick obviously, but he's a kid so I guess I can't say anything. Anyway, we went looking for you guys since I'm the hero!"

"WHAT? So you left no one to tell our mistr-" Gilbert grumbled and Yao rolled his eyes. "FINE! You left no one to tell _mom_ where we went?"

"Uh, well I was gonna leave Tony but he said he had stuff to do and would meet us later so yeah. But whatever, now we can go back so it's fine right?" America grinned.

"Well... I suppose aru..." Yao shook his head, rubbing Little Russia's back. "You know the way back then, right?"

"Nope!"

"What? You unawesome... What do you fucking mean, 'no'?"

"Hey, I am awesome!" America protested, "I thought you guys would know!"

"Well I don't! Damn it!" Prussia growled and folded his arms. The three grown Units looked at each other, all wondering if they could somehow direct some blame off of themselves. They decided that they probably couldn't. So they stood in silence for a time.

"Big brother Yao! You have a mark on your neck, da?" Yao stiffened as Little Russia traced a spot on his neck he can only assume bore a hickey left by pirate England earlier.

"What?" Prussia pulled a protesting toddler back and saw the spot, eyes widening as America tried to also catch a glimpse. "Schiesse, when did-"

"That... pirate... came back w-while you..." Yao's voice suddenly broke and he stopped talking, just shaking his head.

"Oh..." Prussia blinked slowly, and turned away. "We should find the hotel. It's fucking cold. Unawesome."

"Yeah, let's go..." America said, looking uncertain and confused. Little Russia just looked contemplative as the four slowly moved out of the park and in the direction they decided was most likely for the hotel to be in. Really though, it was a complete coincidence that America and Little Russia happened to find them as they did.

They four wandered for hours, mainly in silence. It wasn't until the early hours of the morning when they sat in a bus station escaping the snow that had started to fall when at long, long last they heard a very familiar sound...

"AND WHEN I FIND THAT PRUSSIAN PIECE OF SHIT I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF HIS ARMS AND FEED THEM TO HIS FUCKING BIRD-" Incidentally to those wondering, Gilbird had flown off Prussia's head prior to visiting the bar and when they had come out of the bar he had seen Prussia drunk and gone to find their mistress. He had met up with her as she left the hotel and was leading her and Canada that very moment toward her lost Units. Needless to say he was getting rather annoyed with her screaming commentary. "I DON'T FUCKING DESERVE TO BE WANDERING AROUND AT THREE IN THE BLOODY FUCKING MORNING LOOKING FOR BLOODY FUCKING UNITS AND IT'S ALL THAT FUCKING PRUSSIAN'S FAULT AND HE'S GOING TO DIE I SAY IF HE ISN'T DEAD ALREADY BECAUSE-"

"HEY!" Prussia's loud voice echoed in the bus shelter and made Yao cover his ears. But it also stopped their 'mom's' tirade as she noticed him and Yao couldn't help but smirk slightly at the obvious look of relief that washed over her face before she sent the very darkest of glares at the group.

"What the fuck, a bus shelter? Where the hell do you all think you're going? If you all fucking hate me then fine," she swallowed, "but leave a goddamn note or something! I don't want to worry- uh, not that I was worried! Assholes!" She marched into the bus station, her purple winter jacket, frizzy hair and fogged glasses making her irritation look very unintimidating, even to Yao.

"Yeah yeah, and you're a bitch," Prussia shrugged, "Can we go now?"

Yao sighed. Well if anything, their misadventure seemed to have made Prussia a little less depressed, at least for the moment. Their mistress growled and complained some more, but even America seemed too tired to offer input after hours of walking and Little Russia was already asleep in the Asian's arms as Canada led the way back to the hotel. When they got there it was officially four thirty in the morning and in exhaustion they reached their rooms. Only to discover their fort was still up, meaning no comfortable beds were currently available.

The Units and their 'mom' looked at the fort, dumbstruck for a moment. Then 'mom's' eyes narrowed and she looked at everyone else with a glower.

"I am too fucking tired to deal with this shit. We're sleeping in fort, all of us. No fucking complaining, and no kicking me or you can sleep on the floor, no blanket." This announced, she kicked off her shoes, shed her jacket, crawled into the fort, laid on the mess of pillows next to Kumajirou and shut her eyes in semblance of sleep though obviously she wasn't there quite yet.

Yao observed as America and Canada shrugged and kicked off their shoes as well before crawling inside, Canada curling around his bear and America sprawling to the left of his brother. Yao placed Little Russia inside as well, near enough to 'mom' to leave room for the other Units, if they didn't mind ending up on top of America's legs, and the tiny Unit curled into her chest. A soft sigh came from the woman who might've rolled her eyes behind her eyelids as she wrapped an arm reluctantly around the child. Yao turned to Prussia.

"Are you coming-aru?"

Prussia shrugged. "I guess. Beats the floor. But if I wake up and that kid's touching me I'm going to strangle him."

Yao scowled. "That-" he paused, and then rubbed his neck. "I guess... that makes sense-aru..." he breathed out through his nose."I'll still try to stop you though."

"I know that. Probably for the best too I guess, mom would probably kick me out if I killed the kid."

Yao's smile was soft as he entered the fort, creating a barrier on Little Russia's other side in hopes to discourage him from wandering toward Prussia in the night. Prussia crawled in soon after, choosing to position himself closer to Canada. That made sense; Prussia Units typically get along well with Canada Units.

In the end the group kind of resembled a heap. It was messy. In the morning backs were likely to be sore due to sleeping on lumpy pillows. But none the less, sleep was had, somehow, so Yao felt as if something had been accomplished today.

_((Joyful Note: So... I'm alive. Yay. Okay so this chapter... different style... ah whatever. I feel like all the Units need some kind of POV of their own somewhere in this story, though probably just one each. This is only 17 pages but I couldn't draw it out more under Yao's POV and I honestly didn't want to. Uh... so was it worth the wait? Probably not. But then, I'm in university now for Classical Archaeology and exams are fast approaching. I don't have much time to work on things like this. But still, I will be updating my other stories fairly soon I think, when next this story updates I will be back in my OCs POV and we can have our day in Toronto and blah blah blah. I hope you liked this chapter anyway and I'm sorry I let Yao get raped. His Unit manual makes him very rape-able. I'm a terrible person. So sue me.))_


	11. America Shouldn't Be Unsupervised

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

_((Joyful Note: Yep. Once again I am a slow updater yadda yadda feel free to hate me at your discretion and I'll feel free to continue to abuse you all with my laziness. We know that already, so let's move on.))_

_((Joyful Note 2: Okay actually I need to input one thing. Ice asked a good question (while being mostly anonymous...) and that was saying that, if the PS5 came out and Soul Sister is old, are the manga and anime my OC here likes old as well? The answer is, of course, YES. My OC does tend to lean on those anime and manga she liked when she was younger. Back in the good ol' days, as it were. But none the less, I like to assume some of the more 'main stream' animes she liked still have younger fans as well, just as older animes today can still get more dedicated anime fans to adhere to them And Hetalia is just awesome for every generation.))_

**Chapter 11~ America Should Never Be Left Unsupervised**

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. I did NOT mean for this to happen. But now Hannah… I mean she… she has… and well, maybe it's okay for her? But god I don't know if Ishmael will accept… not mention I shouldn't have to deal with another… aw FUCK! Well… goddamn it. I guess there was a whole fuck of a lot that led me into this panic… damn… so just… I'll just try to calm down and explain the day so you at least know the back story of this. Because it's just… gah… I-I'm sorry just… just let me explain this…

After wandering around until the early hours of the morning, Gilbird finally showed up and led myself and Canada to where Prussia and the others were standing in a fucking bus shelter. God knows what they were doing there, but at any rate we got back to the hotel and lacking strength to wait for the beds to be put back in order we collapsed inside America's mattress fort. That was cozy I guess. I ended up having Little Russia as an impromptu stuffed animal as he was cuddled up to my side anyway but really? I think I should've waited for the bed because when I woke up later that day my back hurt and I was stiff as anything. Suffice to say, it sucked. A lot. Still, at the very least I was mostly awake at the time and to my relief I saw that my units were still all present. Well, except for Tony but he was never found last night and honestly? I don't give a fuck about Tony. So unless America threw a fit I would just let him wander back on his own. And if America DID throw a fit… well I'd cross that bridge if we came to it.

In any case, I rose from my twisted lump of pillows and blankets, stirring Little Russia awake in the process. He rubbed an eye and looked up at me, still seeming rather sleepy.

"Mother Russia? Is it time to be awake already?" he asked in his high pitched voice and I sighed, leaning over and ruffling his hair a bit. It was a strangely affectionate gesture from me I'll admit, but he was kind of… well I just… god I don't even know. I just did it, don't question it, god knows I'm not going to.

"Yep, I've got to check the time anyway. Hopefully it's still before noon; we've only got one day to shop here you know, best to start as early as possible." Taking a moment to stretch, I accessed the path I'd have to take from my position at the back of the mattress fort in order to reach the exit. It wasn't looking promising, because while Canada and America were sufficiently able to be avoided, China was partially blocking my way and Prussia lay directly across the blanket barrier to the outside.

Good thing I didn't give a damn about waking them up or this would be a lot more difficult. As it was, it was easy enough to crawl over China's legs, stirring him slightly, and then pretty much step on Prussia's torso on the way out.

"OW!" Prussia growled, thrashing as I passed the blankets and got to the floor, glancing at the digital clock nearby. 11:46am, not a bad time to be up. I headed for my bag and began rooting through it for a fresh set of clothes while the albino floundered around trying to outwit the blankets and, oh, try to kill me or something. I wasn't too concerned about it. Satisfied with my clothing selection, I headed for the bathroom and shut and locked the door just as Prussia started on whatever tirade he intended to go on. Sadly, I could still hear him through the door.

"What the unawesome fuck! What's wrong with waking me up before trampling my fucking LUNGS into my chest? What the hell are you doing awake before noon anyway? We were out till, I don't know, four in the morning or something!"

"And WHOSE fault is that? Not mine!" I scoffed as I pulled my shirt over my head and looked at myself in the mirror. Urg, my eyes were red and puffy and my hair was a mess. Yuck. I grabbed my brush as Prussia continued his whining.

"It still doesn't give you an excuse to fucking STEP on me!"

I rolled my eyes as I tried to make my hair presentable at least. "Well maybe if you didn't sleep in front of the only way in and out of the fort, that wouldn't have happened."

"Well maybe if we'd actually fixed the beds, there would've been space for me to sleep somewhere else!"

"Well MAYBE if-"

"Aiyah!" Evidently China was moving as well. "Is it really worth it to bicker, aru?"

I heard Prussia scoff. "Well duh, if it wasn't worth it I wouldn't do it, because I'm-"

"Awesome, perhaps?" I suggested through the door. I heard a growl on the other side and could imagine his glare. I didn't have to imagine long though since I opened the door and got to view the real thing, arms folded and everything. Luckily he seemed to have run out of steam by this point and it was easy enough to head over to the phone to contact Hannah and hopefully begin the day of companionship ahead. But before I did that I pulled Little Russia out of the mattress fort and then collapsed the side so it landed on top of America and, I suppose, Canada.

"AH! THE COMMIES ARE INVADING!"

"M-MAPLE!"

Yes, it was in fact hilarious. And I'm a jerk. But if you hadn't figured that out by now you're complete idiots. Anyway, I barked at them to put the beds at least somewhat back to normal which they began to do as I grabbed the phone and dialled. Hannah picked up on the third ring and after a brief chat it was decided that she would come to my hotel directly and we would proceed from there. I told her it was because I suck at navigating the city, but really I suggested it because I had decided that if I was going to expose her to the units and possibly explain the situation, an enclosed setting such as a hotel room was best. Also if she fainted in shock there was a bed available. Not that I thought her fainting was likely, but it was still a point in the hotel's favour.

So once that was decided I looked back to see America carrying the two mattresses back to the other room by himself at the same time while Canada and Yao were somewhat straightening the blankets on the beds that had been fixed already. Prussia was standing in a corner having some kind of argument with Little Russia. It was kind of weird, just like watching any conversation between an adult and a small child that isn't bogged down with baby talk and a bright smile. So basically, talking to a child like a normal person is strange to me because children are not normal people. They are strange humanoids with an undeveloped social structure that I don't understand.

"But why does Mother Russia saying 'awesome' anger you so much, big brother Prussia?" Little Russia's head cocked to one side as Prussia's look darkened.

"Because she's cock blocking the awesome me from saying it! And also, it's MY awesome word!" Prussia huffed.

"No way dude, I say awesome all the time!" America laughed, coming back into the room. Prussia rolled his eyes.

"Well whatever. The point is the bitch shouldn't be stopping me from saying it!"

I hummed and pulled out my wallet to check funds. Low… I figured I ought to hit the ATM in the lobby before we headed out. But first I had probably better explain to my Units the situation arising once Hannah arrived. Some kind of organization and a plan would be best.

"Alright guys, I hereby call a quick meeting about today so everybody sit on the beds!" I said loudly. Prussia muttered and leaned heavily on the wall as if a means of defiance. Whatever, at least Little Russia, Canada, China and even America actually sat where I asked. But then, three of those four were fairly obedient by nature and I guess America was just in an agreeable mood which was probably a good thing. Still no idea what happened to Tony but he'd likely cause issues anyway and Prussia could still hear me from where he was. It was good enough.

"Okay," I stood in front of them all as if giving a lecture. I tried to look as serious as possible but I don't think trying to be serious ever does anything other than make you look and feel rather silly. I tried anyway though. I suppose I don't learn from experience. At any rate, the Units were giving me slightly uncomfortable looks now as I stared at them and pulled my thoughts together, so I figured I ought to speak. "Okay, so within I would suppose an hour's time, one of my best friends, Hannah Klein, will be coming here. I want to introduce her to you in the room before we all go out shopping today."

"YEAH! CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!" America fist pumped and I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, Christmas shopping. Not that you guys have any money to spend, but whatever. Anyway, I want her to meet you all first. She met Mattie last night of course, but she still doesn't know about Units. After meeting you in person she will likely suspect something's up… or be weirded out how much you're like Hetalia characters. I'm not actually completely sure. But what I do know is that if I tell her the truth, she probably won't judge me, which is why she's allowed to know. So when she shows up, I'll meet her in the lobby and… actually, you know what? I think I'll tell her in the lobby. Okay, so I'll meet her there, explain about Units, and then bring her up to meet you all," I thought for a moment, "You know what? I'll bring Mattie too."

"Eh? Why?" Canada looked surprised, Kumajirou squirming in his arms.

"Because she met you already and you can affirm what I'm going to tell her. I think… I think with something like this… I mean…" I sighed and rubbed at my temple a bit, "Well if you don't know about Units, suddenly learning about them is bound to be a shock right? So it's best to be slow about it, right?" I looked at China having said this. I'm not sure why. I don't _think_ I was actually asking for affirmation that I was correct, but if in the event I was, I suppose China would be the Unit most likely to know. Well, him or Canada. But I'm off the point.

"Ah? Er, yes I suppose-aru," China said, seeming a bit flustered. I nodded.

"Okay good. So that's what we'll do then. If-"

"Is she like you?"

I was irritated at the interruption, and glared at Prussia. "What?"

"Is this Hannah bitch anything like you? Like, a psychopath who gets off on rape?"

I tsked. "Okay first of all, don't call Hannah a bitch, because she's awesome. Second, no, she's not a psychopath that gets off on rape. I have had best friends who fit that category but while Hannah is a fan of slash and yaoi, she isn't into non-con. She does not judge me for my tastes of course, which is why we are still friends, but she doesn't indulge in that area."

Prussia rolled his eyes. "Well I guess that's something, but I'll be the judge of whether she's awesome or not, ne?"

"Oh, oh, can I go down and meet her with you too?" America was bouncing in his seat now and I shook my head. He gasped, "Why not?"

"Because I mean to take things slow, as I've just said! God, pay attention!" Seriously, if America didn't have ADD I would give all my anime merchandise to homeless children. Actually, scratch that, I'd never make such a gamble. I'm terrible for even suggesting it. Forgive me.

Having said my peace on the subject, I went on to explain that once we'd introduced Hannah to everyone we would be going down to the subway station and getting a family public transit pass. Since it was December, one ten dollar pass got five adults unlimited public transit for a day. Hannah already had a transit pass since she lived in Toronto. I planned to lie about Little Russia's age and see if I could get him to ride for free. It might be a long shot but even if I didn't manage it, a child's day pass wasn't too much anyway. I had decided that we would likely go to the Pacific Mall and China Town at some point since those are my favourite Toronto shopping locations, but we might also hit the Eaton and Scarborough Town centers as well. When dealing with a city as large as Toronto it was best to have set shopping destinations because otherwise it's likely you'll get lost and end up in some area without any actual shopping locations at all, or at least nothing interesting to you personally. And then you get attacked by hobos. Probably. I mean, they're kind of everywhere, some might be vicious.

We then flipped on the old flat screen and watched some morning cartoons until finally the hotel phone rang to tell me that my friend had arrived in the lobby. It was show time. I told Canada to get his shoes on, instructed my other units to STAY IN THE GODDAMN ROOM THIS TIME, and headed off into the hallway. Heading down to the first floor and stepping out of the elevator, I couldn't help but grin. Oh Hannah, she always stood out by a mile, especially when she wore a brown fuzzy jacket with bear ears on the hood, and presumably wearing her old short brown wig. She had several wigs she wore on occasion, just for fun and I rather liked them. They all looked very natural on her. I waved and she grinned back at me.

"Hey man, how's it going?" Hannah asked in her easy going way, flipping her hand in the air. She looked at Canada. "And Mattie! Great to see you again, bro!"

Canada flushed and mumbled a soft greeting to his shoes. Not sure if they replied, but Hannah seemed satisfied with this. She turned to me and I realised that now I had to explain units to her. And then my mouth dried up. That wasn't good. I swallowed and licked my lips before asking Hannah to follow me to one side of the lobby. She looked curious as she followed, perhaps also a bit uneasy and understandably so.

"Alright so…" I scratched at the back of my head and looked at Hannah with a sheepish expression. God, how do you approach this? "So… does um… does Mattie here look familiar to you at all?"

"Um…" Hannah looked at Canada who flushed again. "Um… I assume you mean from before yesterday so… uh… no? Should he?"

"Uh…" I looked back at Canada. Granted I didn't know the last time Hannah was exposed to Hetalia, and really the only tip offs she had right now were glasses and longish blonde hair with a curl in front. "Well, um, what if he was holding a polar bear… that could talk. Would that make him familiar?"

"Um…"

"Like… Canada from Hetalia?"

"Oh, oh yeah! He does kind of look like him!" Hannah smiled and bobbed around as she was wont to do.

"Y-yeah," I nodded, "Okay. So let's pretend we live in a world where some kind of organization genetically created people who looked and acted just like certain fictional characters and then cloned these genetically engineered people, and then sold them over the internet to fans of said fictional characters. Can… can you pretend that for a minute?"

"I… guess so?"

"Then… if we were in that world, then Mattie here might be one of those clones right? Oh, and in this world the clones are called 'Units' okay? So he would be a Canada Unit!"

Hannah looked confused, but nodded. "Is this a new book idea?"

"Not exactly. But um, could you… imagine… and pretend that's the world we're in?"

"I guess, it sounds kind of cool!"

I let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, well I'm glad you think so because that actually IS the world we're living in!"

Hannah stared at me for a moment. "Uh?"

"Heh heh… um…" I looked at Canada. He looked back helplessly. Well then. "Okay so, yeah, Mattie here is a Canada Unit. Who was delivered to me by a company called Unit Co. And the rest of my current… housemates… are also Units from Hetalia. I have Prussia, China, America, and a child version of Russia in my hotel room right now."

Hannah continued to look dumbstruck, but her blank gaze shifted from me to Canada. Finally she asked if I was serious.

"Yes. I don't think many people know about them though, no idea why. But that's what's happening. So, do you believe all that?"

"I'm not sure…" Hannah was now reaching hesitantly toward Canada as if she was going to touch him to see if he was real, but wasn't quite sure if that would be okay. I could understand that, as it was quite a bit to take in without much proof of events, and with only Canada as an example since he poses a rather unassuming figure.

"Well, um, would I… would I lie to you about this?"

"I guess not but… it's still kind of… woah…"

I looked at Canada for a moment and then made a quick decision. I wanted Hannah to accept the idea of Units before I hit her with the rest of them. "Okay, Canada? Go get Kumajirou and bring him down here. Make sure he knows to keep quiet until he meets Hannah alright?"

"Oh, okay!" Canada nodded with a small smile and hurried off. I turned to Hannah.

"Just give him a minute okay? Anyway, if you see a real life talking bear, you'll probably believe me right?"

Hannah gave something of a half-smile and looked rather awkward. "I guess I'll have to?"

The two of us stood in silence then, jumping every time a set of elevator doors opened. But I was fairly confident. Canada would come down holding Kumajirou like a toy. He would come over here, the bear would look cute, say something, and Hannah would go all wide eyed and then would accept the matter. Then we would calmly go upstairs without causing a scene.

Really, this could be my fault for expecting things to go so smoothly. They never go this smoothly. Why the hell would I think that? I am an idiot, it's the only explanation.

Long before I saw them I heard the trampling and whoops coming from the door to the staircase. I got a bad feeling then, and it was confirmed when that door flew open and America came racing out, grinning widely and wearing his trademark bomber jacket and somehow had gotten hold of an American flag he was wearing as a cape. Which is kind of lame since apparently that's considered insulting to a flag and wearing flags as capes was banned ages ago from anime conventions but I guess since he's meant to personify America that gives him immunity or something… maybe. Seems unlikely… ah hell.

Anyway, America skidded to a stop, head whipped around, he saw me and began making a beeline to where Hannah and I were standing, yelling that he was here and waving as if he honestly believed we couldn't see him in this near empty lobby. I suppose Canada must've been behind him since by the time he reached us Canada was there as well, holding Kumajirou as asked and looking rather apologetic. But with America around it's easy to miss Canada's movements. But I guess they were designed this way. What a strange thought.

"HEY! I'm Alfred F Jones aka AMERICA! I know, you're totally wetting yourself right now from excitement am I right?" While speaking America grabbed Hannah's hand and began shaking it up and down like a dead fish.

"Um, yeah pretty much!" Hannah said with a smile. I knew that smile. It was the: I'm-not-sure-what's-happening-so-I'll-just-agree-with-you-until-I-figure-it-out smile. But that's okay; we all have our coping mechanisms for our confusion.

I glanced at Hannah. "Um, so do you believe me yet?"

"Um... well he's very... America-like..."

I glanced at Canada, distinctly bear-less. "Where's Kumajirou?"

"M-maple..." Canada mumbled and looked rather... worried? "That's the problem; he's locked in the bathroom. Al said he'd break the door down but Yao convinced him it would be better to ask the staff of the hotel to get him out, so Al just kind of rushed down here and I followed... and then he saw you I suppose, but-"

"OH YEAH!" America suddenly shouted and we all looked rather startled I would say. "I forgot about your bear! Don't worry Mattie, I'll get the staff key and open it because I'M THE HERO!" This screamed, he ran to the front desk and began to yammer at a rather frightened looking woman behind it. Canada excused himself to make sure America was staying on task.

Hannah coughed slightly and drew my attention back to her. "So um... yeah... do you think I could just meet the rest of these guys then?"

I frowned. "You sure?"

"Yeah, I mean, might as well right?"

"Alright..." And with that we headed for the elevator. The ride was quiet, and when we eventually reached the door to the hotel room I was relieved to hear Little Russia laugh, Prussia grumble and China scold. It's good to know they were all in there. I opened the door.

"Yay! Mother Russia is back!" Little Russia jumped up from the bed he had been on, leaping to the floor and tackling my legs. I yelped and ended up falling on my butt. Ouch.

"Goddamn..." I muttered and sat up as Little Russia stared at me with big eyes. I looked up at Hannah. "Um, this is Ivan, aka Russia in chibi form."

Hannah stared at the little white haired unit's purple eyes with fascination and her voice was laced with awe. "Woah, that's... woah that's crazy..."

"I know," I struggled to my feet and looked for Prussia and China. They had apparently heard the commotion and were heading over from the other room.

"Um, the white bear is trapped in the bathroom-aru, oh is this your friend?" China hurried over to Hannah and flushed brightly. "Oh! This sweater is so cute-aru! Wherever did you get it? Oh, I want one-aru!" He was... gushing. Well then.

"Oh! Oh I got it online, yeah, it's pretty cute, I guess you're probably China, right?" she looked at me for confirmation.

"Yeah, he's China."

"But I would prefer to go by Yao! Call me Yao-aru!"

China looked about to continue his gushing but, strangely, Prussia leapt to the rescue on that, walking up to Hannah, sending a bright crooked grin and shook her hand. The wince I witnessed made me assume he was squeezing somewhat too hard but Hannah didn't complain.

"Kesesese! Guess who I am! I'll give you a hint, I'm awesome!"

"Prussia?"

"That's right!" Prussia then proceeded to slap Hannah on the back, declare that she at least knows awesome when she sees it, and generally made me want to punch him. What the fuck, he was never that friendly with me! Well, perhaps I should feel relieved he didn't... oh shit.

Yes, Prussia then grabbed Hannah's breast and declared her vital regions claimed. Cue my mortification.

Hannah darted backwards, letting out a short yelp of shock as Prussia laughed and commented that they 'may not be big, but at least they match your figure, ne?' and proceeded to blatantly check her out. The fuck. Yeah Hannah was in better shape than I was but... oh hell no guys, I know what you're thinking and I swear I wasn't jealous, I just don't want to watch Prussia molest my friends! Fucking hell...

"WOAH! Leave Hannah alone your pervy fucktard!" I shouted, stepping between the two of them and pushing back on Prussia's chest to little effect... "She's MARRIED!"

Prussia blinked and frowned. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Huh," he looked away and went moodily silent. The fuck... oh hell he had BETTER not go into 'depressed mode' again just because Hannah's in a committed relationship! We're going out soon and I don't need to deal with him in that messed up state. It was then that I heard scratching coming from the other room.

"What was that?"

"What was what-aru?"

"That scratching?"

"Oh, the white bear is still in the bathroom-aru."

"Oh yeah."

I wandered over to the bathroom door in the other bedroom as Hannah returned to speaking with China. She seemed to be slowly adjusting to all this at some level, which was good. Little Russia trailed close behind me as I knocked on the bathroom door. "Kumajirou?"

"Who?" The little voice came from inside, the scratching stopped momentarily.

I sighed heavily. "Do you know who Canada is?"

"Who?"

"He's your master, the one who feeds you."

"Oh. So you're him?"

"No, but I'm the one who owns him... technically. Okay?"

"Oh. Get me out of here."

"Wish I could bro, Al and Mattie went to get a key for the door here so it shouldn't be too long. How'd you end up in there anyway?"

"I told the white haired boy I wanted a fish and he said there were some in here. I went inside and then the door closed and was locked and there was no fish."

I stared at the door. I heard a giggle from my feet and looked with wide eyes down at Little Russia. Well. That was malevolent of the little bugger.

"Hey Ivan," I said in a flat voice. He looked up with a smile but at this point the cuteness was being outweighed by my disbelief over the plain animal cruelty he's displayed.

"Da, mother Russia?"

"Don't trick animals into bathrooms and lock them inside. It's not nice."

"Oh... but I thought he would like it in there!" Little Russia said with a cheeky smile still all over his face. What a little liar.

I knocked on the door again. "Hey Kumajirou."

"Who?"

"Master's master. Do you like it in there?"

"Oh. No."

I looked back down at Little Russia who had giggled again. "He doesn't like it."

Little Russia smile widened. Uh oh. Now he was going creepy on me. I don't like it when Prussia is proved right but this was getting... er... "Well maybe if he is in there long enough he will grow to like it, da?"

I stared at Little Russia a while longer and then went back to the other room, sitting quietly on the bed. Little Russia happily jumped up next to me and leaned into my side. Cute. Disturbing. I'm not sure there's that much of a line between those two things anymore.

Finally Hannah walked over to me with a smile on her face and addressed the small unit beside me.

"So you're Russia as a child? What's your human name again?"

Little Russia grinned. "Ivan!"

"Oh right! That's cute!"

"Hmm..." I hummed with a slight frown. As I did this I noticed Prussia look at me from the window with a complete I-told-you-so expression. Hell, how would he know that Little Russia was starting to creep me out! Blast it all...

It was then that the room door was flung open and America and Canada came in flanked by hotel staff. They got Kumajirou out of the bathroom fast enough, but I had to insist that the bear was a dog so no one freaked out while Canada kept a hand clamped over his muzzle so he wouldn't talk and again, freak someone out. I'm still not sure they believed me but they DID leave, so I'm hoping they at least resolved to ignore it.

Finally we were left in the hotel room, all seven of us humans... or Units... and Kumajirou, but he's a Unit so... aw fudge it. Anyway we were all there and it was time to start planning out our shopping day. Since most of the group here knew nothing of Toronto at all, Hannah and I made plans to stop at all the spots I normally loved. So, the Pacific Mall, China Town, Eaton Center and... er... okay well that was basically the only places I ever went frequently in Toronto for shopping, or areas near those places. I have specific tastes okay! And Toronto can be sketchy! Exploring it... well...

Anyway, that's what was decided upon. China was of course pleased to visit China Town, America was fine with the Eaton Center since he had a more generic mall vibe and he also likes Japanese themes so Pacific Mall worked. Little Russia... well... I really wouldn't know where to go that would make him happy anyway. Maybe he would like China Town too.

At any rate, it was time to hit the subway and right away there were problems trying to keep everyone together as a group walking. I really just wanted to talk to Hannah, but between Prussia laughing loudly with America about something or other and China trying to keep Little Russia from chasing down small furry animals and Canada... er... okay well Canada wasn't doing anything really. But still, I found myself losing my thread of conversation a lot as I kept an eye on the rest so they didn't run off and get into trouble. It sort of reminded me of antique days when I organized trips to Toronto from my hometown an hour away from there. Being the only one of my friends with a driver's license, it fell to me to fill my parent's van with as many friends as possible and transport us here for a shopping excursion. Back in the days where Toronto was a fun novelty and not a bastard city I didn't like living in. Actually, I wasn't terribly fond of the city even just visiting it, but Barrie had nothing in the way of specialty shops for Japanese merchandise, so I really didn't have much choice. Plus all the anime conventions were there too, so there was that.

The point is that on those trips I tended to act kind of like, for lack of a better term, a 'mother hen'. I considered myself responsible for all my friends I'd dragged along with me and felt the need to keep their whereabouts known at all times. I suppose at the current moment I was definitely responsible for the group of Units surrounding myself though less so Hannah. That would explain my distraction as I hoped I wouldn't lose any of them in crowded streets and subway stations. I must say it turned into a full time job and I was relying pretty solely on Hannah to lead us where we needed to go.

Much bustling, threats of pain and harried crossing of roads and changing of vehicles later (a bus was needed at some point, thank god we got those unlimited family day passes for public transit) we reached a place I hadn't been in years though I truly adore it, the Pacific Mall. Multiple floors of sushi and anime merchandise. Although it was all in Japanese, so if you say, wanted anime or manga best to search elsewhere since you can't read it if you are uni-lingual such as I am. But Death Note messenger bags? Black Butler Plushies? Bleach Keychains? Ouran High School Host Club playing cards? All that and more available. Now obviously not every store there is dedicated to such things, they have clothes and jewellery and make up and electronics but lord knows I'm never there for any of that so I typically don't bother to mention it.

Though admittedly it feels a bit weird when one is white and walking about in there, certainly so if one isn't used to being a visible minority. I mean, in high school there were some Asian kids obviously and I didn't notice them really for their race and just spoke to them as normal but... something about being in a place where suddenly EVERYONE is Asian except for you is kind of... well perhaps I ought to call it a wakeup call since most people in this world aren't white and I should understand that but it still is a bit of a weird feeling. And then you feel racist because all you want to do is turn to the white friend, or in most cases for me my half-Jamaican friend, (she was my usual partner when going to this mall) and exclaim "HOLY SHIT THERE'RE SO MANY ASIANS!" Because seriously? That IS pretty racist. But it's true, it's a weird feeling. But you get over it because it's not like there is absolutely no other non-Asians, you're just a minority. I think you could call it a mini-dose of culture shock. That can be healthy.

Anyway, we were at the Pacific Mall and it was as glorious as I remembered. A couple of my favourite merchandise stores had closed over the years but others had opened in their stead and Hannah still came by often enough to know where those new places were. The biggest downside to this was of course that I really couldn't spend money right now. I was supporting a rather lot of people on progressively smaller amounts of cash, and there were meals that had to be paid for today. But I still got a new keychain with all the hosts from Ouran for my car keys. Hannah got a Grell plushie and a new hat with fox ears on it.

The Units went missing within five minutes of being in the mall. Typical. Hannah had questioned me on if we should look for them but I assured her that it was probably best to shop first and question whereabouts later. I did feel a nagging sensation in my stomach that might've been worry, but it seemed the presence of Asian awesomeness helped to dispel most of that feeling and I was able to ignore what remained of it.

"So, um, how did you end up getting those guys anyway?" Hannah asked as we perused a selection of bobble heads from various anime.

"What guys?" I asked in a moment of brain fart. Then I realised what I'd said and introduced my palm to my face. "Oh, right, gotcha. Um, well it was kind of random I guess... I was just surfing the net, saw an ad on for Hetalia units and had no idea what they were. It sounded like a sex doll."

Hannah snorted and I laughed a bit too.

"Don't judge! I live alone! Give me a break, you knew I was depraved! Anyway, so I ordered a Russia Unit because if you'll recall, he is my sexy beast in anime."

"I thought that was Sebastian from Black Butler?"

I coughed. "Okay, him too..."

"Or L from Death Note?"

I flushed. "Well and him..."

"Or Bakura from YuGiOh?"

"Russia's my sexy beast in HETALIA, fair enough?"

"I guess, man."

"Right, so, I ordered him. And damn are they expensive."

"How expensive?"

I coughed again and leaned towards her to whisper the number. Her eyes widened.

"And you paid that much for EACH of them?"

"No no!" I waved my hands. "God no, I'd never be able to afford that. Hell, I'm straining to afford their upkeep... no, see I only meant to get Russia but they made a mistake and sent me Prussia instead."

"Oh... well that sucks. But you didn't just return him?"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh believe me, I tried. But they said it'd be too much hassle to take him back so they just sent along the Russia Unit. Only they fucked up again and sent me his child form."

"Bummer."

"Yeah. So I complained about not being fit to raise children and they offered me a Unit for free to babysit him and I got China."

"Alright..."

"Then I ordered Russia again, so at this point yes I've paid for an additional unit and it's also why I'm currently kind of in debt until I get another book published I think. Anyway, I paid for Russia but they had apparently run out of Russia Units in North America that would be available for delivery so they send me America as compensation. Though now apparently they're also sending me a European clone of Russia so... well we'll have to see, it won't be here until the New Year apparently."

"Wow," Hannah blinked. "And what about Mattie? Er, Canada?"

"Who? Oh!" I paused and shook my head. I didn't want to think about why I'd forgotten him in that moment. "Well, when they sent America they sent him with Canada's manual. Oh right, every Unit comes with a manual... but yeah I got Canada's. Anyway, I ordered an America manual be sent but instead they gave me a Canada Unit."

Hannah was quiet for a moment before replying. "Well, that's kind of weird. I mean, they're apparently super expensive right? But they seem kind of easy at giving them away for free..."

I fiddled with a figurine in my hands but admittedly I can't recall what it was of. "Um... yeah that is a bit... weird... I'm sure there's a reason for it! Um," I laughed uneasily, "I'm probably the exception you know? Um, the delivery guy I have is a total idiot, he's probably running around hoping to god I don't complain to someone important and get him fired! Yeah, that's probably it." I smiled to myself and put the figurine down. Though honestly there was a part of myself that wasn't entirely convinced. But what else could it be?

After that little awkward conversation the two of us went to the top floor where one could purchase all the delicious things that make Japanese food awesome. Pocky in endless flavours... little pastry things that taste like waffles and are little bubbles of... god I can't even explain... and sushi! So much amazing, delicious sushi! I swear I could eat it for days, weeks, MONTHS! Sushi: one of the best things Japan ever did for humanity, next to anime of course.

It was up there that we managed to run into America, who was making a scene, swinging a katana around next to a stand that sold such things and laughing as the lady in charge of the stand was telling him to put it down.

"ALFRED F. JONES, YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!" I shouted in my loudest voice. America abruptly stopped swinging and looked at me with some shock in his eyes.

"Uh, hey mom!" he laughed slightly and put the sword down. Immediately the lady operating the shop snatched it into her hands to check for damages.

I growled. "I'm not your mom, and ANYWAY, what the hell did you do that for? Idiot! You're lucky they haven't called security!"

"Oh, we've called security; they are on their way now!" The lady sent a sharp glare at America, who gulped. "Is he with you?" The glare now turned to me and I gulped as well. Bitch was scary...

"Shit!" I swore and glared harder at America. "I don't even have sushi yet!"

"Uh, so we're all kicked out?" Hannah asked with a frown. I shook my head.

"No just... okay, I'll meet you at the bus stop with Al to make sure he'll go... and I'll take Mattie too. Hannah, I know this is asking a ton but could you look for the others and get them out there too? We might as well go now, thanks to this ass. " I sent America a look of loathing. He whimpered slightly.

"Ah nah, that's okay," Hannah nodded and laughed a bit. Then her voice dropped. "You _are_ kind of acting like a mom, though. "

I sputtered. "S-scandal! Blasphemy! No I'm not!"

Hannah looked a little surprised by my outburst. Well to be fair she might not know the amount I've had to put up with that accusation the last... week I guess? Week and a half? Two? Less? I don't even know, I'd calculate the start of my nightmare later. For now I confirmed the bus stop location and grabbed America's arm to steer him forcefully down the stairs and out of the building. As we neared the exit security guards appeared and we had to make a break for it before they noticed us. Somehow we made it out alive; though admittedly we had to sort of hide behind a tree. I hoped Hannah would be safe, though the lady at the katana shop didn't seem to pay much attention to her so hopefully she hadn't been able to give a physical description.

After a few minutes I turned to Al who was trying to draw what seemed to be a maimed hamburger in the snow with a stick.

"So what exactly possessed you to swing a sword around in a crowded mall?"

"Um... it looked cool!"

"You're an idiot, you know that?"

Canada then broke into the conversation. "And this surprises you?"

America gasped. "Mattie! How could you! You're my brother, defend me!"

"No way, eh. That was stupid, I told you not to and you wouldn't listen! Why do you only ever listen to... er... sorry what's your name?" Canada asked quietly. I flushed. Damn, I still hadn't told anyone that? Well that's stupid.

"My name's-"

"HEY MOM!" I nearly fell over at the volume of that yell. I twisted my head around to see Prussia grinning and waving and... holding something... oh it was Little Russia. Um, upside down. And they were running. And China was behind and... Hannah riding piggy back on him and...

Why was there a group of teenage girls chasing them...?

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" I shouted, just as the bus pulled up on the sidewalk and people around us (yes there were people around us and yes they were giving us strange looks, it's not that surprising) started getting onto the bus. The group reached us and Prussia grabbed my arm.

"No time, get on!" He yelled and with that he dragged me onto the bus, digging into my pocket for the family pass and proceeding to push me on in some sort of panicked rush. The bus was too crowded to make head or tails of anyone, so I was left to look out the window for stragglers. I didn't see any of my Units nor Hannah still on the sidewalk so I had to hope they were on board. The gang of teenage girls, Asian dominated though that would be normal here, were not quite at the bus yet and it was altogether too full to accommodate them at this point so the bus began pulling away. I heard an audible sigh of relief and turned to find myself tucked chest to chest with Prussia.

"Where did Ivan go?"

"Um..."

"IVAN?"

"I'm here Mother Russia!" I squinted around in the crowd and managed to pick out a white-blond head next to China's head. Okay, so China had picked him up. Now I was left with the problem of touching Prussia more intimately than I had since he grabbed my boob on day one. Uh...

"So, um..." I coughed a little and wiggled, but that only made my breasts rub... uh... crap was that..? Okay well this could be a problem.

"Gott, stop doing that!" Prussia snapped his face flushing.

"Well you... stop doing that!"

"I can't exactly turn it off!"

"Well get away from me then!"

"If I move back I'll be sitting in that guy's lap!"

"Well I've got an army of bodies pressing against me!"

"I know! That's why I'm getting PUSHED into that guy's lap!"

I growled and hissed, "Why the hell would you get a boner anyway?"

"Because you're rubbing against it! It's a physical response, I can't help it!"

I breathed in and out slowly through my nose, and noticed that Prussia smelled like sweat. Ew.

"Okay well... why were you getting chased by teenage girls anyway?"

"Oh that? Kesese, they recognised my awesome obviously! Not the first time."

I looked up at him and narrowed my eyes. "You're in a surprisingly good mood today. You know, except for bitching this morning." Though to be fair, I was sort of the cause of that.

"Oh, uh," Prussia looked away, and then sighed. "I dunno, just... what? Can I not have a good day?"

I shrugged, tight though it might've been in there. "I dunno, I just figured you'd still be pissed about the whole Corey thing."

Prussia glared and admittedly at close quarters such as these the glare was a bit more intimidating than usual.

"I _am_ still pissed about the Corey thing. Bitch. But, I also know that you don't really give a shit and no one else does either, so there's no point trying to complain about it. And anyway, there'll be other guys, right? I mean, I'm awesome!" Prussia chuckled, but it sounded kind of hollow. Huh.

"Well I don't know about awesome but well, yeah obviously there'll be other guys." For Prussia? Obviously! He's hot as hell; he could snap his fingers and every gay man in the room would spread their legs. And the hetero girls. Not I, of course, but... well a lot probably... yeah.

"Yeah." And now he sounded relieved. Phht.

Luckily we had to get off at the bus station and not a specific stop because if we had needed to do the latter I doubted that we would've managed to get the message around to everyone and manage to squirm our way out in time. Another lucky thing was that about two minutes after that 'yeah' from Prussia his boner went away which was naught but a relief I must say.

This led to us climbing off the bus and heading for the subway. This time I ended up with a seat, since I dove for it. Hannah was next to me and China stood over us. Little Russia was on my lap and Prussia was sitting between America and Canada on the opposite side of the subway car across from us. Hannah was busily talking about Lolita dresses with China who looked altogether too interested as I was treated to Little Russia holding me around the neck and looking out the window. Obviously we were underground, so it wasn't as if there was anything to see. I didn't understand the fascination.

Then I was treated to Little Russia whispering in my ear about the merits of trapping America on subway tracks and his guts splattering... I wasn't sure if I wanted him to be talking to himself or not. Yep. Little Russia seemed to be getting a lot creepier lately and fuck all I did not know why. Maybe it was America being around? I wouldn't know.

Finally we reached our destination and headed top side, right down the street from the Eaton Center. A beloved place full of... well, stores, and also stuffed Canada geese hanging from the ceiling. Fun times.

Again, five minutes, Units are gone. I need to get leashes for them all, I swear.

"So you're still getting Russia then?" Hannah asked as we perused the Erotica section of the Indigo for gay romance novels. What? I never said I was _only_ interested in yaoi; I can like simple homosexual romance fiction too! Besides, the manga section at this Indigo was always unfortunately lacking...

"Yeah, I am. At this point I can't simply give up, you know?"

"I guess but, what about upkeep? I thought you could barely afford them now."

I sighed. "You're right I can't. But when we get back home I've had at least America and Prussia agree to get jobs. Canada will probably agree too."

"Oh well that's good. Not China?"

"He needs to watch Ivan and cook." I paused. "Huh, guess I'm making him the woman in this relationship."

"... that's awkward."

"Tell me about it. Oh hey, this one has pictures!" I point to the book I was holding.

"Where?" Hannah said in excitement and we both proceeded to squeal in a highly undignified manner.

We headed to the food court and finally managed to attain food. It wasn't sushi, but it was Manchu Wok so as long as I was abusing my stomach with Chinese fast food things weren't looking too bad.

Of course then China had to wander by and ruin things. The first thing he did after coming out of bleeding nowhere with Little Russia latched onto his arm was to unleash a tirade about how the slop we were eating was an insult to his culture. The second thing he did was announce that America had tried to touch one of the Canada geese to see if it was a real animal carcass or plastic or something. And now he was in mall jail. Fuck. Everything.

On our way to get America out of mall jail we swung by a small boutique that sold stuffed animals and knick knacks. I noticed one of the stuffed animals had a disturbing likeness to Gilbird. I decided to ignore it. We carried on.

Basically, America is now banned from the Eaton center. I sent him outside with China and Little Russia as Hannah and I scoured the mall for Prussia and Canada. With any luck we'd find them fast and make it to China Town without mishap.

With any extra luck we'd catch them making out. I'm sure Hannah would agree on that point.

Well unfortunately we had only a bit of luck since we found them in the Disney store together with Prussia attacking Canada's face with a Nemo plush doll. It was adorable, mostly from Canada's sputtering red face. And okay, maybe the fact Prussia looked like he was having genuine and not malicious fun with the guy helped the cuteness too... a little.

"Awww!" Hannah squealed. I would've joined her but... Prussia so... gah, why did he have to be cute right now? It's so much easier to dislike uncute things...

"What? Oh, you guys," Prussia put the toy back and Canada coughed, still blushing like crazy. Kind of made me wonder what they had been doing before this but... well anyway, things to do. We explained that America was kicked out and so trooped to the exit, back to the subway where we'd need to make some transfers along the way. At this point of our excursion I was starting to zone out a bit and had stopped paying too much attention to our surroundings.

However upon making our way onto our second subway I had to take more notice of environment when Prussia stopped dead right in front of me and I crashed into him.

"Ow! What the hell, there's space in front of you! Why'd you stop?" I growled as he turned around and shot me a glare. Though this soon morphed into a slightly worried expression and his voice dropped so I could only just hear him.

"I swear to gott if you do that... fangasm shit I will fucking kill you, but..." he discreetly pointed behind me. My eyebrow rose and turn I turned to look where he was pointing. Standing toward the back of the train, in fact one of the only two other passengers in our car of the train, speaking to a girl with black hair was... Russia.

It was fucking Russia.

On the fucking train.

Well, yes a Russia Unit but... but I...

FUCKING HELL IT WAS RUSSIA!

"HEY! I said no fangasming!" Prussia snapped as I stared openly at the white-haired, tall, handsome, wonderful Unit gracing our train car, my knees threatening to shake out from under me.

"But... but it's..."

"Hey, what're you looking at?" Hannah asked. I pointed. She looked. "Oh, that looks a bit like..." her eyes widened, "Oh! You think he's, um, like your guys?"

I nodded. I hoped I wouldn't start drooling. "Rus... Russia is... it's... fucking..." It was so obvious that's what he was, even if the fact Prussia was pointing it out made it suspicious. He was taller than anyone else in the car, his hair too white-silver for someone his age, the childish smile, the large Russian nose, the odd purple eyes viewable on closer inspection... and of course the long scarf.

It was Russia. RUSSIA. I could just die right there.

Then his head turned and our eyes met for a moment. I squeaked and turned away abruptly, feeling heat rush to my cheeks.

"Ne?" Prussia's eyebrow rose and then he squeaked too, but instead of freezing as I had done he started backing away quickly. And then it happened.

Russia walked by... _and brushed against my fucking arm_.

Yep. That was it. I sank to my knees in nirvana as screams and yells and violent actions rang about the train in the minutes that followed. A goofy smile stretched across my face until I was abruptly hauled to my feet and a hand sharply slapped me across the face.

"AH! What the fucking hell?" I yelped and saw to my surprise that _China_ had been the one to slap me.

"Prussia is going to be raped if you don't do something-aru! Are you really going to let that happen?"

I paused and looked over China's shoulder. Russia had Prussia pinned to the wall and was managing to shed his clothes off at a rather fast rate. America and Canada were working to tear him off and the black haired girl was... standing next to China actually.

"Hello, what's up?" I asked her, the situation clearly still not sinking in. Where was Hannah? Oh, standing nearby holding onto Little Russia who was watching and um... looking interested.

The black haired girl looked at me as if I were insane. Maybe I was. Wouldn't surprise me. "Um, Ivan's going rape-truck on your Prussia Unit."

"Oh yeah," I looked back at the action. Damn, was it getting hot in here?

"Are you... not going to help stop him?"

"What?"

"I can't believe this-aru!" China stormed over to Russia and attempted to help peel him off the struggling Prussian.

I looked at the black haired girl. "Well... he's your Russia, isn't he?"

The girl bit her lip and shook her head. "No, he's my friend's, and he doesn't really listen to her either."

"Oh," I looked at Russia who was now trying valiantly to get Prussia's pants down rather remarkably as he barely seemed phased by the three other Units trying to pry him off. Be it that one of those Units was America only added to the impressiveness.

"Um," I turned and saw that Hannah was looking at me too. "I think maybe you should try to intervene... you know?"

"Why would I be able to help pull Russia off anyway? Why would I be able to help things? Because in all honesty, I don't have that much upper body strength."

"Well, you got Al to stop swinging that sword earlier, didn't you?" Hannah asked hesitantly.

"Why should older me stop, Mother Russia?" Little Russia questioned.

"Because rape is wrong," I said automatically. I paused for a moment. "Huh it- it really is... even to Prussia, I guess," I sighed. "Even so, America is a pushover when challenged I think, plus I'm the one giving him room and board right now."

"But um, I think it's worth a try, you know?"

I bit my lip again, looked back at the impending rape scene, and took a deep breath.

"HEY! RUSSIA THE FUCKING RAPE TRUCK! IVAN BRAGINSKI! GET THE FUCK OFF MY PRUSSIA UNIT BEFORE I CALL BELARUS ON YOUR ASS!"

It was like Dr. Horrible set off his freeze ray on the guy, because Russia stood completely still. He turned to me with the biggest frightened eyes imaginable. Everyone was quiet.

"B-Belarus?" he whispered in a cute little terrified voice. Gah, so adorable. I had to work to keep my serious face.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Even though it was quiet I still yelled, and Russia actually winced. _Winced_ before me! Holy shit, power rush! "NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT HER TO SHOW UP AND FUCKING MARRY YOU I SUGGEST YOU BACK THE HELL OFF!"

Russia swallowed and dropped Prussia who hastened to pull up his pants and straighten himself. Canada rushed to his side and started asking if he was okay, but Prussia pushed him aside and stood on his own.

Russia meanwhile was edging by me but then stopped and looked at me funny. Then he began walking straight toward me. I glared up at him at first, but my glare melted and my face quickly reddened as he got closer. He leaned down. God, I knew everyone was staring. He was getting too damn close and it was _Russia_ and he was _here_ and I just-

Russia's eyes narrowed. "You do not really know how to contact Belarus, da?"

I swallowed and slowly shook my head. I couldn't speak. I couldn't lie. I just... he was so... I just couldn't.

He surveyed me carefully, and then gave a surprisingly bright smile before delivering a rather threatening ultimatum. "If I see you again after this train ride, I will kill you, da?"

I nodded, still red faced. Russia then went quietly back to where he had been sitting. The black haired girl turned to eye me warily.

"Um, sorry?" she said quietly and then followed the Russian. Thank god we all could get off at the next stop, or things would've gotten seriously awkward right then.

After that little... misadventure... in sexiness... the group of us piled onto the street car that took us into the heart of China Town. God I had forgotten how wonderful it all was. Shops that sold pork buns for 75 cents! Authentic ramen restaurants! Cheap anime merchandise and then... oh and then Anime Express! Such a wonderful shop for Hannah to have confirm the continued existence of. Sure it had cosplay, some anime DVDs and posters but the most wonderful thing is that, upon entrance you see an _ENTIRE STORE_ packed with bookshelves_ FULL_ of manga. And the last shelf was almost pure yaoi from end to end.

God... it is a glorious store. I couldn't wait to get back inside it again. Hell, even Toronto had its good points and Anime Express was sure as hell one of them. But before five minutes had passed I'd flagged down everyone and spelled out clearly that they were to meet us at the ramen place with the giant chibi-girl mascot out in front of it in two hours or they weren't going to be eating today.

Then of course in five minutes they were all once again missing in action, though at least this time it was hopefully more controlled. I smiled at Hannah, and she smiled back. It was time to reach our most favoured destination, even as the sun sank deep into the horizon... not that you could see it through the skyscrapers.

We closed in on the shop, twin grins as we flung the door open and strolled into Anime Express. We strolled about, perused the shelves, and joined each other at the yaoi. Each of us chose four new manga. I was in a shopper's high, oh sweet yaoi, you are my life's blood!

The line was long however, and transactions were slow. We had to meet the Units soon, and so we decided to pool our money and pay at the same time, you know, to save time.

As we handed over the money, a ball above our heads exploded into a cloud of confetti. Noise makers appeared. We stood in shock as a man approached us and our surprised cashier with a wide smile.

"Congratulations! You both are our ten billionth customers!"

"We are?" Hannah said in surprise.

"Well, cool!" I laughed. "So does that mean we get a shopping spree or something?" My eyes drifted hungrily back to the still tantalizing wall of animated guy on guy.

"No, no, it is better!" the man laughed. Come to the back with me, please!"

Hannah and I shrugged and followed the man back into the room behind the counter as the crowd behind us bemoaned not being the lucky ones.

In the quiet room backstage the man told us to sit down.

"Are you both familiar with the anime Hetalia?" he asked us, still smiling.

"Oh yes," I snorted.

"Yeah, definitely. Oh shit, do we get like, signed DVDs or something?" Hannah asked in excitement.

"No, better!" the man laughed. "Congratulations! You are both proud new owners of Hetalia Units!"

... yep. Here we are. I think I'm going to die now. How will Hannah explain to Ishmael? How will I feed another mouth?

"W-what?" Hannah gasps. "Uh, which ones?"

"Oh good, you know about them! And I'll show you! It is a good thing the prize is two units, I did not expect two people to pay at once but now each of you can have one!"

"... lucky me," I say in deadpan. Maybe it is lucky. I might've had two extra units to deal with.

The man then goes through another door and we wait there for a few minutes.

"So... are you okay with this?" I ask Hannah.

"Um... depends on who it is."

"I guess so... god how am I going to deal with another one?"

"Er, maybe they can get a job too?"

"Hopefully..."

Okay, now the man's coming back in and following him is... oh-OH!

"DIBS ENGLAND!" I shout.

"EEEK! ITALY!" Hannah screamed.

"By God, must they be so noisy?" the blond with bushy eyebrows twists a finger in his ear as if his eardrums are ringing. Hell they probably are. But damn it, if I'm going to deal with another unit it is bloody well going to be the self-sufficient British one!

"Um," the kid with the brown hair and fly-away curl blushes cutely and smiles at the both of us. Well as far as dinner goes, at least ramen is a type of... oh I think he's going to say it! "PASTAAAAA!"

_((Joyful Note: *facedesk* Just wrote... all friggen day... instead of doing homework... well FUDGE IT! HERE IT IS! THINGS HAPPENED! AND YES! ENGLAND HAS APPEARED! Did you even expect it? DOUBTFUL! Shit has gone down. ANYWAY. Who knows when the next part will show up I have no clue but for NOW at least here is my chapter and... and... GOD YOU GUYS ITS ALL FOR YOU! *sobs* I'M HOROMONAL RIGHT NOW! DON'T JUDGE ME! SO MUCH HOMEWORK I'M NOT DOING! GAH! MUST... WRITE... ESSAYS... SO HARD! DO NOT WANT! T_T *coughs* Well anyway, hope this is good enough. 24 pages on word! I am back up to snuff!))_


	12. Someone Didn't Think This Through

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 12~ Somebody Didn't Think This One Through**

_((Joyful Note: I love you all. You are my reason and my life. And you are beautiful. All of you are beautiful. I'm in a wistful mood today, lord knows why. Probably because chocolate milk was on sale. Anyway, story time~))_

I... didn't expect things to go this far. I thought he was over it by now but... I guess not? Well he... can't have left... forever... right? No... no he'll definitely be back. Oh! Um, you totally have no idea what's going on, do you? Right, well, it's really kind of stupid, I mean, this Corey thing should've blown over by now! But no, of COURSE not, cause that'd just be too easy. Needless to say I'm home now. God, fucking Prussia... er, n-not that this is any kind of big deal or anything. Okay! Fine! I'll explain what's going on; as usual you're all probably interested. And why the fuck not? I'm an interesting person and my life... my life is... fucking hell...

Anyway, back to where we left off last time or else I'm just going to confuse you more. That is, Hannah and I had by chance stumbled into ownership of an Italy Unit and an England Unit respectfully. Deep in my heart of hearts, I remembered that Hannah always found England hot, but I rationalized my dibs-calling on two points. Firstly, England has more common sense than Italy and is hopefully less likely to disappear randomly and be whiny. And he was hotter. With a British accent. God call me shallow, I don't care. Secondly, Hannah was married and so I was doing a service of relieving her of temptation. And she could chain Italy to a stove. Not something I could do with England.

Hannah and I were each handed a manual for our respective units. I took a moment to skim it, obviously skipping the crate delivery instructions entirely.

"So do you have your clothes with you?" I asked England looking down the list of included items that I'd yet to see.

England looked a bit surprised at being addressed rationally after my scream of 'dibs' upon seeing him. "Er, yes I do, I'll go and fetch them then, shall I?"

"That would be a good idea," I said with a nod and continued reading. Meanwhile Hannah asked Italy the same question and both he and England went back with the Anime Express manager to get whatever items they came with. I scanned down to possible jobs and was pleased to see that he could be made a waiter. At least that was a job that was possible to get in that small town. And damn straight he'd be sexy in a police man uniform! No girl, keep it together, you like Russia best, he's on his way but... okay I had to stop right there. Hannah was tugging on my arm.

"Um, okay so most of this is cute for the most part but... what's this sadistic mode? And um... h-horny mode?"

I glanced at Italy's manual under his available modes. Sure enough they were present. "Well... horny mode requires a France Unit and Sadistic requires a dead Germany or a raped Romano. You'll probably be fine since you have no other Units, right?"

"I guess." She read on, as did I. England's 'modes' were nothing I couldn't have predicted from general fandom portrayals, excepting this 'Loving' mode. Surely simply stating I liked British food wouldn't be enough I didn't think. Then again, I never had a serious problem with British food I've tried in the past. Even so, it probably meant food England himself makes and then, if he actually cooked as poorly as fans portrayed... god I was NOT eating burnt stuff and getting myself sick in order to make England 'Loving'. Whatever. Moving to relationships...

Aw HELL no! I mean I suppose I should've expected this but... DAMN USUK. Okay I know I'm making some enemies here but I SO do not support that pairing! Well, not usually. Not enough to... to have it in my house! Wait... I... SHIT! NO! I refuse; I wouldn't even want to watch that! That's just... they're supposed to be BROTHER FIGURES for Christ sake! Gah! No. Nope. I refuse. There will be NO USUK under my roof kids, I will put a stop to it I swear! Oh, but if only I had a Francis Bonnefoy... well, you can't have everything. All at once you can't, anyway.

Also, they mentioned him in a relationship with Sealand. What. The. FUCK! What is WRONG with these Unit Co people? That's worse incest than USUK, _and_ it's pedophilia! WHY? WHY IS THIS A THING?

"Uh-oh, I don't think Ishmael will like waking up if Italy's in the bed naked with us..." Hannah said in concern. I bit my lip and nodded slightly.

"Well, um, maybe if you explained the situation really carefully, he would understand?"

"I don't know if I can explain this to Ishmael at all."

"Well he's like... he's like pet, right? Kind of at least, except he can cook."

"I guess..."

At this point England and Italy re-entered the room, each holding a suitcase with their nation-flag printed on the side. Hannah and I thanked the manager of Anime Express and wandered onto the streets of China Town. I didn't know about Hannah, but my own head was still swimming over all this. Now yet another Unit was under my care... where was he going to sleep? Damn. Okay, I had America and Prussia in the basement, China and Little Russia upstairs, Canada... Canada can... damn. Okay, we'll figure that out when we get home.

"So are we going directly to your house then?" England asked suddenly and I was startled out of my thoughts.

"Huh? Oh, no, I'm kind of a tourist. I live in a small town some hours away from here, and anyway we have to meet up with my other Units first." I replied.

"Oh," England looked a bit flustered suddenly, "Er, you have others already?"

"Ve~ Are you a tourist too? Oh, and what's your name? You're pretty!"

"Who me? Nah I live in Toronto with my hubby Ishmael. My name's Hannah!"

"Do you have other Units too?"

"Nope, just you!"

"Well we'll be very good friends, right? And eat PASTA!"

"Of course!" Well Hannah seemed to brighten up anyway. That was good. Then I noticed England was trying to recapture my attention when he poked me in the ribs.

"HEY! Don't do that!" I groaned, rubbing my side. I was tender there!

"Well then don't stop listening when someone's speaking to you! Honestly, you clearly need to learn some manners or people will start thinking-" At this point I stopped listening again. You might think I was being rude, and I'll grant you that may be part of it, but have you ever been scolded by a hot guy with a British accent? Because strangely, unlike my other Units, this one's voice was straight out of the English dub, as was Italy's voice for some reason. And the British accent kind of erased the meaning from the words and just made them sound like a lot of sexy gobbledegook as far as I was concerned.

When I came back to myself, the British Unit was kind of raging. I suppose I couldn't blame him for that. "OH SOD OFF! Listen long enough for me to ask a damn question anyway!"

I came back to myself and coughed, a tad embarrassed at my long running hypnotized state. "Um, okay, shoot."

"I asked what other Units you had!" England sounded exasperated at this point. I wondered how long he'd been raging. A quick glance over my shoulder saw Hannah and Italy talking animatedly about cute things. How like them. I smirked before answering, counting Units off on my fingers.

"Right, other Units. I've got Prussia, Russia in child form, China, America and um..." I stared at my fifth upraised finger for a second, "Oh and Canada."

"America," England rolled his eyes, "Of course. Well it's better than the frog I suppose."

"Phht, I wish! That France is-" I cut myself off at England's warning glare. That was... kind of scary. I laughed nervously. "Er, that man is an idiot! And definitely not sexy! Nope, just a total unlikable pervert!"

England scoffed as we finally cut through the crowd enough to see the plastic statue of a chibi Japanese girl that marked the outside of the ramen restaurant we had agreed to meet the Units in. I wondered briefly how to explain the presence of England and Italy, but determined ultimately that it really didn't matter in the altogether.

We opened the door to see if they were inside, and I was pleased to see that China, Little Russia and Canada at least were sitting at one of the longer tables. I waved at them and initially they all waved back, but then China looked rather alarmed and I wondered why until I saw England looking rather stiff at well. China's manual, if I was recalling correctly, mentioned some animosity between England and China. Well, um, too bad for them I guess? Anyway, we sat down at the table.

"What is he doing here-aru?" China grumbled, glaring at the Englishman.

"I just won him, apparently, so he's going to be living with us and we're all going to be civil about it," I said sharply. China scoffed and turned away and England cleared his throat a little, having the decency to look a bit abashed at least.

"Um, it's good to see you, Arthur," Canada said softly.

England turned to glare at Canada. "Oh sod off Alfred," he snapped.

"I'm Matthew..." Canada said, looking sad. England's eyes widened.

"Oh, er, sorry lad, you know I mix you both up..."

"PASTA!" Italy suddenly said in happiness upon viewing the menu.

"I believe you mean ramen, but it does use noodles," China nodded, looking at Italy with a more forgiving expression.

"So where's Prussia and America?" Hannah asked, looking around the table.

"I don't know," Canada told her, looking upset, "I lost track of them pretty fast, I hope they haven't gotten themselves into trouble..."

I grimaced. "Well if they come in here and ruin my meal by bringing a fan girl legion, I'm never taking them out shopping again. Honestly, they've found a way to wreck every stop we've made today it seems like! Well fuck them, let's just order. God, I'm going to spend more money on food then on merchandise today, what a travesty..." I bemoaned this as everyone went around placing orders for drinks and food. I got a bottle of strawberry flavoured Japanese soda, the kind with the marble stopper on top. I also got some vegetarian ramen simply for the sake of it being one of the cheaper options.

It was about halfway through our meal that the door of the ramen place was flung open to reveal Prussia and America breathing hard with huge shit-eating grins on their faces. They strutted over to the table and flung a small bag down in front of me that sounded like it was full of coins. Shooting the two a confused look I opened the bag to see it _was_ full of coins, as well as bills, though none larger than a ten.

"Uh, what is this?" I asked dully, as the rest of the table also shot the newcomers confused looks.

"Kesesese! Dinner's on us!" Gilbert announced happily. Alfred nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, and we totally know what to do for money now!"

"What, thievery?" I muttered, wondering if maybe they pick-pocketed all this. It seemed unlikely for some reason, but I couldn't think of another explanation.

"Nope!" America laughed, loud enough for other customers around us to shoot him angry looks, "Street performing!"

"... come again?" I said, blinking and trying to process that.

"Dude, it was awesome!" America laughed as Prussia plopped down next to me on the side Hannah wasn't occupying, god knows why he chose there. "Okay so we got bored of China Town pretty fast since we couldn't buy anything and we went a couple streets over, and there was some kind of event going on, cause there were people with guitars and people dancing and whatever and people were just giving them money! Well, an event or that's just where street performers hang out, I dunno. So we were like, hey, we're awesome, we could totally do that! And then there was this one guy dancing to this old boom box but no one was looking at him. Then Gil and I take him aside, we talk a minute about what we can all dance to, and he says we can help since he's not making cash anyway. So we turn on 'Sexy Back' by Justin Timberlake, I mean I know it's old but WHO CARES and we dance like the sexy beasts we are and we RAKED IT IN!" The manager was heading over now because America was being too loud. Shit shit SHI- oh, China's cutting him off and talking in some kind of Chinese language... well hopefully he'll fix things for us.

I glanced at Prussia. "So you took his money and ran?"

Prussia glared at me and rolled his eyes. "No, he SPLIT it with us, obviously. Stealing is unawesome. Anyway, I'm counting up at least $100! Let's order some grub!"

I paused and counted the table quickly. "And you're covering everybody?"

"Yeah, no problem!" Prussia laughed.

I frowned slightly, thinking, "Well, Ivan's is going to come out to about $7 since he ordered something small, and giving the average price of $18 each for dinner and drinks... um..." I pulled a napkin toward me and borrowed a pen from Hannah to do some calculations while Prussia and America ordered. "That's like... around $150."

Prussia coughed and sputtered. "What? At BEST we just cover that!"

I nodded. "Yeah well, eight full meals plus the small plate for Ivan, so-"

"Eight?" Prussia snorted, looking a bit relieved, "You mean six."

"Uh, no," I shook my head and pointed to Italy and England. Italy waved happily and England rolled his eyes.

Prussia stared for a minute. "Oh god fucking damn it."

"Mm, well anyway, as you can see there are eight."

"YO! HEY IGGY!" America waved cheerfully. England flushed and sputtered.

"You have _TWO_ Americas?"

"I already said, I'm Matthew..."

Hannah piped up here, "I totally don't mind paying for myself and Feli!"

"That's helpful," I nodded.

"Okay, so, six," Prussia looked relieved. "So that's less, right?"

I quickly subtracted two people from my calculation. "Yep, down to roughly $110."

Prussia leaned back in his chair and grumbled. "Still a lot."

"Well what did you expect? Anyway, you can't expect street dancing to support you back home, small towns don't really have a market for that," I said, following up by taking a good bite of noodles.

"Yeah, yeah I know," Prussia looked irritable as he counted up his money again, this time more carefully. "Huh, even if it comes out to that, we've still got almost fifty bucks! Kesesese!"

"So twenty-five each," I said, taking another bite.

"Oh, uh, yeah," Prussia frowned a little, then leaned back in his chair and sighed. "I need a job."

I snorted. "Glad you agree. We're going to work on that when we get home."

The rest of the meal passed without major incident, Prussia shelling out the money to pay for it as promised. I have to admit, it was a relief to know I didn't have to put out another $100 to feed these guys, lord knows I had to dish out enough for a second hotel room. Speaking of which, when we got back that was going to be a new fight I supposed, trying to figure out how we were going to arrange the seven of us on four beds.

At any rate, when we at last left the restaurant we ran into another snag trying to get onto the street car, as the family pass was only good for five adults and we now had seven who had to use it. Luckily I had enough change to help cover Italy and England though, so we began the long public transit journey home, the entourage having increased.

"I still don't know how to explain this to Ishmael," Hannah said after sitting on the second subway car for a few minutes.

"Erm, well," I nibbled on the inside of my lip, "Well, maybe we should come with you, you know, to tell him. So at least he knows you're telling the truth about Units?"

Hannah shook her head. "Nah, I'll figure it out. Hopefully the manual and Hetalia clips off of You Tube will be enough to convince him. I don't think just bringing your Units will help much if Italy himself doesn't."

"True enough I suppose," I said with a shrug. However when we got off the one train to make out last transfer before Hannah's stop, we noticed something a bit unusual. That being an alien leaning against a wall staring at us. A very familiar alien.

"TONY! Bro, been wondering where you went!" America laughed and ran over to the alien who nodded in acknowledgement.

Hannah stared at Tony, and then at me as Italy ran over to greet the alien as well. "Um, another Unit?"

"Yeah, I don't know if you remember that America had this alien friend named Tony..."

"Oh... OH! Right, I remember. Is it okay to have him just wandering around when he looks like that though?"

I shook my head. "Probably not, I'd hoped we could pass him off as a toy... well luckily no one seems to have noticed so far."

America hurried back to the group with Italy and Tony in tow. The alien looked up at England at this point and I noticed that he and the Brit were viewing each other in some kind of mutual loathing.

"Fucking limey," Tony said suddenly, making Arthur's frown deepen and his cheeks blaze red.

"Why you-"

"OKAY!" I stepped between them. "They'll be no fighting here! Alfred, pick this guy up, Tony, _please_ act like a toy for a while."

"Whatever," Tony muttered in his eerie ringing little voice.

"Oh!" Hannah said suddenly as our group approached her last subway train, "Can I borrow Tony maybe, to prove to Ishmael about Units? I think a live alien might make it more convincing."

"Hm? Oh sure, sounds like a good idea," I smiled.

"I do not like the little grey man, Mother Russia," I suddenly heard from my feet and I looked down to see Little Russia looking up with a pouting expression. I sighed.

"Why not?"

"He... he called me a stupid backwards Ruski," he pouted more, "I'm not stupid..."

My eyebrows went up, "No, of course not, er, China!"

"Yao-aru," China muttered, "What?"

"Reassure Ivan, would you?"

"Why don't you do that-aru?"

"Not qualified," I said as I pushed Little Russia off toward the Asian.

"Nice parenting skills," Prussia snorted from the back of the group, "No wonder the kid's going to turn out just as creepy as he'd be if you'd gotten him full-sized."

"Shut up, asshole," I gave Prussia the finger and he stuck his tongue out at me. Stupid immature idiot. Because I am certainly not immature in any way. No, seriously, it's all him.

After some more time and quarrelling passed, we again were heading toward Hannah's apartment as I had the night before with Canada. It was tough squeezing us all into the elevator as Hannah called up to be sure Ishmael would be there. She mentioned that she was bringing some people in with her but they wouldn't be staying long. I still don't think Ishmael expected a group our size to be stumbling into his apartment, laughing and talking and arguing too loudly to hear the television.

The large black man looked up and twitched as Hannah hurried over to give him a reassuring hug.

"Hey honey, um, so, how do you feel about a roommate?"

After roughly an hour of explaining, proving, and convincing with assistance from our resident alien, Ishmael somehow was swayed to believe Hannah's tale of winning contests and purchasable fictional characters. What was the harder sell was to convince him that he should put up with Italy being kept in the house. That ended up with Prussia sitting with Ishmael and explaining that Italy was too stupid to cheat with his wife, made great food, didn't mind cleaning, and liked getting his belly scratched. Like a servant and pet dog all in one. I don't remember the belly scratching thing being in the manual.

Once Prussia had said his peace, England was quick to point out that Italy was also housebroken, but a very picky eater.

Then Alfred said he was also cute when he curled up in bed with you at night. I hit him hard for that one but the damage was done and Hannah had to work hard to calm Ishmael down from a spaz attack about the guy crawling into bed with them.

Finally Italy actually stood up for himself (previously he had been lying on the floor and taking an impromptu siesta) and told Ishmael he didn't have to worry because he knew better than to crawl into bed with people who are married to each other because Germany told him not to. Then he smiled, sang something in Italian, ate a tomato off of Hannah's counter and went to bed like an Italian. At that point, Ishmael seemed to have had enough and relented to Hannah's squeal of happiness and we were finally able to leave the apartment in peace. I was happy as fuck, because I was feeling claustrophobic with all those people in such a small space.

Still, as my Units piled out into the hallway, I had to say my goodbyes to Hannah. This time I didn't feel the hesitation due to uncertainly of hug etiquette; I wrapped my arms around my bud and squeezed her for all I was worth.

... I might've choked her just a little. People have always told me that my hugs are kind of lethal ... I don't give them often though since usually they make me feel awkward...

"You're going to call me later, right?" Hannah asked.

"You can call me too you know," I reminded her.

"Oh, right, man," she laughed a little, looking embarrassed. Then she brightened. "That's right I wanted to ask, are you going to Anime North next year?"

I blinked. That old anime convention? It's true I went to it most years between high school and the end of university but I hadn't since... but it was always a good time... "I... I might give it a go."

"It'll be awesome if we went together, like old times man!" Hannah laughed and punched my shoulder lightly. I smiled back.

"Yeah... yeah I'll go. I'll look forward to it," I grinned, hugged my friend one last time, and left into the hallway where my Units were already gathered around the elevator, impatient and ready to leave.

Obviously Canada was the one to navigate us through public transit back to the hotel because fuck it all, I'm not going to remember that. I never remember where I'm going if someone was leading me around the first time, only when I discover a path for myself do I remember it in the future. I typically don't do that though as it involves work and as you should know by now, I tend to avoid work. Which is why I was stuck in Toronto in the first place. Still, this misadventure did allow me to reconnect with Hannah, so I suppose if serendipity has chosen to smile on me this business trip I should accept it gratefully. Or at least without as much complaining as usual. I think I can manage that better.

After the long day I'd had to go through, I was quite happy to get back to our hotel rooms to enjoy a decent night's sleep. Unfortunately, a decent night's sleep was not meant to be as America upon entering the room immediately began whining about ordering pay-per-view. England smacked him over the head, America whined about him being unfair, Prussia started snorting in laughter, China tried to break it up and then Tony began swearing...

I wasn't sure what to do, so I went through to the other hotel room and shut the door between us. I didn't lock it just in case there was some reason they absolutely had to contact me, but as I went to the bed I felt tugging on my leg. I looked down to see Kumajirou looking sadly up at me.

"I'm hungry," he said.

"Ah shit," I muttered and opened the connecting door again. "MATT! Where are you?"

I heard a whimper from behind where I'd thrown the door open. "I-I'm here eh..."

"Oh," I blinked, perhaps just a little bit stupidly. Well... how the hell was I supposed to know he was back there? He could've... yelled... or something. "Well, your bear's hungry."

"Kumakoo!" Canada's pain seemingly forgotten, he ran to snatch up his bear, "D-don't worry, I brought some of the salmon ramen I had, just for you."

"Who are you?"

Canada sighed. "Matthew. The one who's going to feed you."

I sighed and went to sit on the bed to see whatever movie America can decided to put on the TV. Even if it were pay per view, at this point ten more dollars wasn't going to matter much in the long run.

... shit.

"Alfred, why the fuck would you put on Paranormal Activity 2?" I asked quietly, giving him a hard look.

"Um, it's really cool!" America laughed slightly, already wide eyed as England gave him a sour look.

"I told him not to, not that he ever listens to me!" the British Unit muttered, looking cross. I would have to agree with him, this was just bullshit.

"Okay, FIRST of all, not everyone here likes horror movies. I mean, I personally have a fondness, but I don't think Mattie does and probably not China or England either, at least not this kind and given that we're all confined to a small room we should have consensus. Second of all, we have a small child here," I pointed at Little Russia who looked up and smiled. "Now I know he's pretty much mentally scarred for life anyway but God knows that'll only make it worse. Lastly, horror movies make you infantile, and when you hug people in fear, bones crack. Change it to something else with nothing higher than a PG-13 rating."

"That is reasonable-aru, thank you," China nodded, looking pleased at my ability to take charge. Well damn straight I could take charge! I was the oldest one here, and I owned all these little bastards! All hail me, damn it!

"Aw, but I don't wanna!" America whined. England hit him over the head. "AH! Iggy don't- OW!" America rubbed his head and pouted as England took the remote and went back to the menu, scrolling through the movies.

"Oh! They have Harry Potter!" England suddenly said, looking surprisingly happy. Well, maybe not so surprisingly. I mean, they were British, magical, and let's face it- the book series is fucking awesome.

"Okay," I said with a bit of a smile, "But only pick one of the first three."

England's mouth opened as if to protest, but then he glanced at Little Russia who chose that moment to look incredibly innocent. England bit his lip, then smiled and nodded, choosing the first movie. Gotta love classics.

"And after this, we're going to bed," I announced, looking around at the now-mesmerized faces. Well, America, Little Russia, England and Canada were mesmerized. China seemed only half interested and Prussia was... on the phone?

"Hey, what're you doing?" I asked, tapping the guy on the shoulder. Bastard better have a good reason!

"I'm ordering pizza," he said flatly, "Hope you have money on you."

I gaped, and then smacked him, "LIKE HELL! You already ate!"

"Yeah, and I paid for it too," Prussia smirked, "Do you honestly think this group's only going to watch the first movie?"

I stared, glanced at the Units watching the television including China who seemed to be getting more into it, and then turned back to Prussia, biting my lip. Well... maybe it would be a good call... but still, money... gaaaaah pizza...

"Okay, but make sure at least half of one is pineapple, mushroom and tomato," I muttered, picking the three golden toppings that have graced all my special order pizzas that I've had since high school.

Prussia snorted and added my order. I sighed and leaned back on the pillows on the bed near the wall, Prussia on the bed next to the phone... wait, how the hell was I next to Prussia on the bed? Didn't even bloody notice. The hell. China was on the floor leaning against the chest of drawers between the beds with Little Russia in his lap, America and England were against the cushions on the other bed, and Canada was sitting at the foot of their bed holding Kumajirou... wait, where the fuck did Tony go? Ah hell I don't even care. It was Harry Freaking Potter time!

I think it was about a third of the way through the second movie surrounded by three empty pizza boxes and two empty 2 litre bottles of Coke (one completely consumed by America) that I realized that this situation... well, all of us sitting around watching a movie it was kind of... well it reminded me of being at home with my family on Friday nights. Especially the pizza, it was the Friday routine: get pizza, get a movie or two, watch them as a family...

Of course none of my family were as god awful annoying as Prussia is usually, but he was being quiet right now... I dunno, it was... it was okay. I liked it, I think. Too bad all my moments with this crew of lunatics couldn't be this nice. And too bad three movies and all this pizza were going to put me out about sixty bucks. What a dick move on Prussia's part, seriously. We didn't need that pizza. Stupid tempting pizza. Tasted damn fine though. Curse my inability to resist its tempting goodness.

I'm pretty sure I fell asleep some time during the third movie because I definitely remember Harry being on the Knight Bus but I don't remember much past that. The next clear memory I had was of opening my bleary eyes to find myself stiff necked on top of the bed covers with my glasses askew on my face and sunlight coming in through the window. I felt weight on my chest and glanced down, raising my eyebrows. On one side Little Russia appeared to have curled up next to me again which was getting kind of normal for some reason. On the other side... uh... well it seemed that Prussia had also fallen asleep atop the covers and um... his arm was across my stomach with his head under my arm. That was... yeah I didn't know exactly how to respond at that moment, I was kind of tired still. I glanced at the other bed to see America, England, Canada and Kumajirou in a heap, nuzzled up together. It seems that they, at least, had found their way under the covers. That was pretty cute. The TV was off, so someone at least had managed to stay up long enough to turn it off. I carefully moved Prussia's arm off of me and pushed myself to move into a seated position, noticing that China was asleep as well and slumped between the beds. How late were we up... till two, three in the morning maybe? I wasn't sure, but a check of the digital clock told me the time at the moment was only eight thirty in the morning. What the hell was I doing awake so early? I didn't really feel sleepy though for some reason.

And... and crap! We didn't even use the other hotel room the whole time we were here! A hundred and fifty dollars wasted... phht...

Anyway, I might have been a little more tired than I had originally thought since I kind of ended up staying in a seated position staring into space for about ten minutes before my brain kicked in and told me that I had to go to the bathroom and I had to manage it somehow without waking the Units around me. ...in retrospect I'm unsure why my brain would tell me such a thing, surely I hadn't cared about waking up the Units the morning before but for whatever reason I was left trying to ninja my way out from between Little Russia and Prussia, carefully detangling my shirt from Little Russia's fingers on the way and attempting not to move the mattress too much. Somehow this ended with me standing precariously and hobbling in large steps to the end of the bed and hopping to the floor. I think I made a louder thump than intended, catlike I am not, but it seemed that the Units were pretty much knocked out so I was able to enter the bathroom without more than a couple disrupted breathing patterns. Score one for my non-existent ninja skills I suppose.

Once my bladder was relieved, I decided that since I was up anyway I might as well shower before anyone else tried to. I left the bathroom to gather my last set of clean clothes from my overnight bag and withdrew back to the bathroom, shutting the door and stripping, ecstatic once I felt the warm water rolling over my skin. This joy lasted approximately five minutes, letting me just wash the shampoo out of my hair before the shower curtain was pulled back, making me shriek like a friggen banshee. Must've forgotten to lock the damn door, shit. I'm not sure if I should say I was lucky or not, but the one who pulled back the curtain was Little Russia who seemed very curious.

"Mother Russia! What are you doing?" His eyes widened, "Where are your _clothes_?"

As I desperately tried to cover up the important bits I gave Little Russia a glare, "Hey, remember how you're not allowed in my room without permission back home?"

"Y-yes?" the boy seemed put off balance by my glare. Good.

"Well same applies to bathrooms. If someone is in the bathroom, you need to ask permission to come in," I explained, "I'm cleaning myself."

Little Russia laughed, "Silly! I was supposed to ask permission to be in your room at home if no one was there! I think you are confused, da?"

I stared at him in disbelief now. "No, you're confused. The correlation was in the whole 'permission required' thing."

Little Russia hummed. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"And why are your legs hairy?"

I winced. "B-because it's not like anyone's going to look at them or anything! NOW GET OUT!" Seriously, shaving takes so damn long and I'm the only one looking at that shit, so why would I do it all the time? I wouldn't. Not that I never do it, sometimes it gets too bad for even me to look at, but I might do it once a month at best is all I'm saying.

The boy paused a moment, then closed the curtain. I sighed in relief and returned to washing, wondering what China was doing, was he still asleep after that scream? Probably not, so maybe he didn't come get Little Russia because he didn't want to see me naked? ... I'm just going to count that under things I should be relieved about.

Or I would. You see, not long after Little Russia left he ran back in, this time butt naked.

"I want to wash like Mother Russia!" he said happily from my feet. I looked down and twitched. First time seeing Russia's cock and it's on his child self. Charming. Well, I suppose ultimately I didn't really think about Little Russia in any kind of sexual way, but it's hard to completely ignore how much his adult self makes me swoon. I'm not a paedophile but I couldn't help but wonder what that thing would look like grown up and... gaaaaah there was WAY too much wrong with this situation and my eyes quickly averted themselves.

"Can't you do that with China?"

"China takes baths! I want to try this!" Little Russia said, grabbing at the soap from the edge of the tub and rubbing it on himself.

"Whatever..." I muttered, not sure if it was appropriate to keep washing myself in this situation or not. I guess this was probably more cute than creepy. If he were about four years older we'd be crossing some uncomfortable boundaries though.

Then... god... okay THEN, the curtain opens again, I scream, and naked America was now in the shower with us. FUCK THE FUCK FUCK WHAT?

"WHAT THE FUCK ALFRED GET OUT!" I punched him in the stomach and he whined, but I don't think I did much damage.

"Get out pig!" Little Russia raged at my feet, not being particularly helpful.

"But, this way we're heroically saving water!"

"Who the fuck told you that?"

"Well Gil mentioned it, but he might've been being sarcastic..." America admitted, suddenly looking uncertain. Then he looked down. "Hey! Nice chest! Why're you legs hairy though? And hey! You've got a blubber gut!"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" I think my face was probably pretty fucking red at this point. Seriously. What the fuck, who the fuck does this? No one does this! "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, PRUSSIAN ASSHOLE!"

"What did I do?" came a faint voice through the wall.

"DID YOU TELL AMERICA TO COME IN HERE?"

"Oh, uh, kesesesese..."

I screamed in rage and kicked America in the shin. Or attempted as much, I ended up slipping in the shower and slammed my head on the wall. Dazed, America ended up carrying me out of the shower and onto the bed, England and China quickly having the decency to cover me with blankets unlike that asshole America, fucking hell, what did I do to deserve this? Second time these stupid Units will possibly give me a concussion...

"I-I'm terribly sorry about Al," Canada murmured, putting a cold cloth on my forehead.

I gave him a weary look. "Mattie, I'm already wet, the cold cloth can't help that much."

"Oh, s-sorry eh..."

"Whatever," I muttered. This was such bullshit. "Okay," I groaned when I felt alright to speak in a louder voice, even though my ears kind of rang a bit, "Somebody bring me my clothes from the bathroom, and a towel. Everyone else, shower if you're going to, if not, start packing stuff up. When I feel like I'm not going to pass out suddenly, we'll check out and go home. Got it?

"Yes-aru."

"Er, stiff upper lip, it'll be alright," England said with an uneasy smile and bustled about putting clothes into bags as Canada hurried to fetch my clothes for me. It was nice to see my orders followed as I fumbled around putting on clothes under the covers. I heard China scolding Little Russia, Canada and England scolding America... yep, that was good. No one was scolding Prussia though. Definitely was going to do that... soonish... soon as my head stopped smarting like that... fucking hell...

Alright, well, maybe my head stopped hurting so much a while before I stopped moaning about it. Mostly at that point I didn't want to help with the packing. But, once everything was stored away I made my miraculous recovery and immediately started yelling Prussia for his dumbass remarks. He just laughed. What a bastard.

"Schadenfreude," Prussia shrugged. Damn it. He was using my favourite Avenue Q song about happiness at the misfortune of others against me. For shame.

Anyway, so finally, at long last, I brought our things to the front desk, checked out with the staff, and headed out to the parking lot. We put the bags in the trunk, Tony seems to reappear at the critical time and then... then we had a problem. My car was, objectively, full when we left my house. I have an extra Unit now.

"Oh we're fucked," I muttered, trying to work this one out.

"Why?" England asked, looking confused, "We have five seats, as long as Tony and Ivan sit on laps we should be fine.

"You're forgetting Mattie," I said reflexively. The British Unit looked confused for a moment before comprehension seemed to dawn and everyone looked at the car with puzzled expressions.

"Well... someone could ride in the trunk-aru?"

England snorted, "For how many hours?"

"I don't see you thinking of anything better-aru!"

"Maybe Captain America can sit in the trunk," Prussia suggested, glancing at the guy in question, "Be the heroic thing to do."

"HA HA HA!" America laughed, then sobered. "But no. That's five hours dude! It'd be boring in there!"

I groaned and opened the car door, looking around the interior. "Maybe someone could lay on the floor by people's feet?"

We got Canada, China, America, Kumajirou, Little Russia and Tony sitting on the seat and quickly noted that there would not be enough room to squeeze anyone down there for five hours straight.

"Well what now?" England huffed.

"Hey, Mom," Prussia said from the passenger's seat where he had shoved himself as soon as he could have managed, "I was looking down on the floor, there's a seatbelt down attached to the front seat."

"Duh, there should be two," I rolled my eyes.

"DUH!" Prussia countered, "This is a third one!"

"What?" I said dully as Prussia waved it at me. "So... OH!" I looked at the midpoint between the driver and passenger seats of my car. There was an upraised armrest I liked using and underneath was where I stored my CD collection but some back recess of my mind remembered some point in university where my sister had once mentioned that my car could fit three people in the front. I experimentally began to remove my CDs and handing them to Prussia who immediately began scoffing at my collection which was mostly classical, some older pop, and soundtracks from movies and TV shows. Once devoid of discs, I was able to miraculously remove the cup holders and flip up the armrest, revealing a seat beneath.

"Oh, jolly good!" England said, looking relieved.

"Huh, yep that's pretty interesting alright," I said with a nod and then flipped the armrest back down.

"H-hey, what the bloody hell are you doing?" England asked, looking suddenly fearful and more than a little angry. I snorted.

"No way in hell I'm getting squished up here! You can lay on the floor, or kick someone else on the floor..." I gave Prussia a look and he was quick to scowl at me.

"Just put the guy up front with a seatbelt, at least that way it'll be frikken legal!" Prussia snapped. I winced. Well he kind of had me there, and I didn't have the cash to waste on a traffic ticket just then.

"Fine. Whatever," I flipped the armrest back up, "But you are to avoid distracting me at all times! Don't knock into my arm! And driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole!" I aimed the last remark at Prussia, quoting Supernatural which was an old live action show I enjoyed very much. Because I have more diverse tastes than anime, I just have a nerd focus. Nothing wrong with that.

"... you're rather testy, aren't you?" England asked grumpily as I moved out of the car to let him crawl into the newly made seat and fumble with the seatbelt.

"Aw sod off you wank," I growled and got into the driver's seat, putting on my own seatbelt and slamming the door. It was going to be a long drive if my squished right arm had anything to say about it, and my right arm has yet to lie to me. It was nearly numb after two hours when we took a break at a rest stop equipped with a Tim Horton's and a Wendy's. The drive even to this point had been stressful, the cramped Units complaining or arguing with each other and myself constantly turning up the volume on the music until England complained and turned it down. My headache had returned and so at the small newsstand I got a bottle of Tylenol and took that with my Coke from Wendy's. It also didn't help that the further we got from the snow-free dome Toronto lived under the icier the roads became.

Before we all piled back into the car, China and Little Russia still holding half-full cups of soda, I instructed them that if they didn't shut up I was liable to run us all off the road and into a ditch. America was quick to point out that if that happened he could easily pull us out of the ditch and put us back on the road. I replied that it would be harder to pull us out of a tree when the car was wrapped around it and possibly on fire. The American shut up after that. Thank fucking God.

Unfortunately, just because America shut up did not mean the rest of the car would be so accommodating even as America tried to mime for them to be quiet and not get us all killed horribly. Prussia was soon into some kind of spat with England about how he should stay on his side of the dividing line of the cushions and Little Russia was apparently pulling Kumajirou's fur in the back seat making him growl and Canada have to hold him back. China scolded Little Russia of course but I don't think it helped much.

The snow started coming down harder and my windshield wipers were working non-stop during the fourth hour of this nonsense. I took comfort in the knowledge that my GPS told me there was only about half an hour to Duran, so only an hour left until we reached home. I hoped to God that Panda-aru had fed my pets and let the dogs out while we were gone- or at least cleaned up after them if he hadn't. I suppose I should feel a bit lucky. If he hadn't been around then I would've had to bring my dogs with me and found a hotel or motel near Toronto that allowed pets since I didn't have anyone else to leave those cute buggers with.

Then, however, Little Russia started whining that he had to go to the bathroom again, and China admitted that he could use another break as well.

"There is no damn way!" I shouted, sick of this juvenile bullshit. "We're an hour away, I am NOT looking for a rest stop. It might be mid-afternoon but with the snow like this I feel like I'm going to crash damn it I am NOT stopping!"

"B-but Mother Russia I-"

"NO!"

A moment passed.

"Oh nice going-aru! He wet himself!"

"What, seriously? Kesesese!" Prussia laughed, "Take that, brat!"

"It's not funny-aru! It's all over my lap..."

"S-sorry big brother Yao..."

"I-it's not your fault-aru, it's yours!" China kicked the back of my seat.

I growled and hit the break, pulling over to the side of the road so sharply the car slid and there was a few panicked seconds of terror as everyone in the car screamed. We stopped before calamity hit at least, and as we were driving on side roads as I was wont to do there weren't any other cars to inconvenience in the low visibility.

"Okay!" I snapped as I threw the car into park. "I will NOT be kicked when I'm fucking driving! China! You need to piss too right? Well get the fuck out of the car and go!"

China's eyes widened as I glared at him in the rear view mirror.

"B-but that's outside-aru! And it's cold!"

"Kesesese! Should've pissed more at the rest stop!"

"GILBERT!" I roared, "You shut the fuck up too! And England! And everyone! You're all fucking acting like... like fucking CHILDREN!"

"And you're acting like a fucking MOM!" Prussia yelled back, "So drive bitch!"

I clenched the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles turned white.

"Ah, perhaps we need to calm down?" England said tentatively and reached over to touch my hand. My hand twisted quickly and locked his fingers into a death grip. He squeaked and I swear the car went dead silent.

"Get out of the car," I growled.

"I-I... okay-aru! I-I can pee in the snow! R-really!" China looked terrified.

"Not just you," I said through gritted teeth. "Everybody. Out. Now. I've fucking had it. I'm done. Fuck Units. Fuck all of you. GET OUT!" I released England's fingers.

England swallowed hard beside me as everyone remained dead quiet. "Y-you can't... you can't mean that... d-don't be rash about this-"

"I'LL SHOW YOU FUCKING RASH IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THIS CAR! THIS IS A FUCKING ORDER GET OUT OF THIS DAMN CAR!" I breathed hard as the Units shivered and slowly opened the doors of my car, one by one getting out. My head was pounding and my blood was racing as they lined up beside the road, the doors of my car shutting behind them. I stepped on the gas and the tires squealed, I releasing the car was in park and swore at myself, turning it to drive and taking off down the road. I drove about ten minutes before I started to cool down and realised what exactly it was I had just done. I swore again, pulled over to the side of the road and put my head down on the steering wheel, trying to understand why the fuck I just did that.

This was why I'd suck as a mother- I was just... I just couldn't handle... this... whatever the fuck it was. Hetalia characters... they all acted like fucking children. They fought over silly things and they all had some kind of mental disorder and... and...

And regardless they were... they were my responsibility right now. Fuck and I just... I just...

I was tearing up. This was ridiculous. What was I even fucking doing? I dried off my eyes, turned the car around and drove again, searching the side of the road where I'd left them. They were still there, only now huddled into a group, though Prussia was apart slightly, searching down the road. He saw me and I swear to God he smirked, the fucking prick. The rest of the Units looked far more relieved when I pulled back up in front of them, Little Russia even had tears in his eyes and when Prussia opened the door the kid dove in first, crawling across the seat and flinging his arms around my neck and sobbing, promising never to pee himself ever again. And damn I... I felt bad. I honestly felt like a horrible person. What the fuck, what the fuck, I never feel this way about shit I do even if someone gets hurt it's their problem but...

"I-I'm... sorry, I guess," I said as the Units quickly got back into the car, shutting the doors against the cold. Little Russia was still on my lap however. "I... overreacted. I had a headache and everyone was loud and I'm not... used to this. At all. And, I'm just really stressed out, with all of you here, I've lived alone a long time, and then all of a sudden... and you're all so expensive, and I need to still find places for everyone to sleep and if my book doesn't do well I'll probably go fucking bankrupt at this rate and... and my editor and publisher want the book done in two weeks! That's just... I'm not nearly far enough and... and..." my breathing hitched and I shut my mouth, there was no way I would let myself get worked up here.

England sighed and put a hesitant hand on my arm. I didn't react so he spoke, "It's alright lass, we should have been quiet when you asked us as well."

"Y-yes, we're very sorry-aru!"

"Yeah, we didn't mean to!" America said rather loudly, "We'll be quiet!"

"I-I'm sorry for Kumajirou," Canada said quietly, holding his bear tightly, still shivering.

"It's okay, I mean, like I said, overreacted," I shrugged and Little Russia let out a final sniffle before letting himself be awkwardly passed over into the back seat.

"Phht, I'm not sorry," Prussia snorted, "And I knew you'd be back."

My eyes narrowed in a way I hoped was dangerous and I looked at the albino. "Oh really? And why the fuck should I have done that? You know I really don't fucking like you."

Prussia's expression was cool as his eyes turned to meet mine. "Yeah, I know, but you love that kid back there and at least like the rest of these losers well enough. You'd be back for them."

My eyes widened slightly and I felt uncomfortable, so I turned back to the road, "Yeah well, whatever," I grumbled as I put the car into drive again and turned back around to drive toward home. But then...

"Where's Tony? Oh shit!" America asked suddenly. I noticed then that Tony was missing, and apparently he had been since the rest stop. So my trip ended up extended WAY longer than planned as we had to drive an hour and a half back to the rest station where Tony was reading a magazine inconspicuously near the newsstand and apparently waiting for us. I was pissed as fuck, but after that stunt earlier I was more wary about leaving him behind, I didn't want to spark bad feelings again or anything. So the alien was brought to the car and finally, two hours after that we managed to reach Duran where I decided to stop at Wal-Mart to get England an extra change of normal clothes, keeping things cheap of course.

I wondered if that blonde girl who had the Switzerland Unit would be working today, but I didn't see her. I told the Units to meet us at the front of the store in about fifteen minutes because I couldn't see finding one set of clothes taking longer than that. The group dispersed and England and I went to the men's section. England wrinkled his nose at the long quality of the fabric, but didn't complain which was good because I would've about bitten his head off for it.

As England was in the change room, Prussia ended up strolling up to me for some reason.

"Artie's changing?" he asked, folding his arms and looking toward the changing rooms.

"Yeah, what of it?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Just wondering, it's been twenty minutes already."

"What? It has?" I checked my watch and sure enough. I shook my head. "Well he was being a girl about picking out colours."

"Figures."

"Kind of, I guess."

At that moment England walked out of the changing room wearing a green sweater that perfectly matched his eyes and brown pants. It looked nice enough.

"That the one?" I asked.

England flushed, "I-I don't know, do the pants make my bum look- w-what the bloody hell is HE doing there?"

"Yo," Prussia wiggled his fingers and smirked. England grumbled.

"It's fine, Arthur," I said with a sigh, "Now go take it off so we can pay for it, we're running overtime already, bub."

"Er, right," England nodded and disappeared back into the changing room. Prussia and I waited outside with equally bored expressions for a while, when Prussia suddenly tensed and looked over my shoulder. I looked as well and... not five meters from us was Corey, looking at Prussia like he'd seen a ghost. Once eye contact was made however, the boy coughed and looked away, flushed and a tad angry for some reason.

"What're you two doing here?" he muttered.

Prussia gaped, but then his gaze hardened and his mouth turned into a frown. "It's a free fucking country, I can go wherever I damn well please!"

Corey glared up at Prussia, "No! You just go wherever the fuck you're programmed! Anyway-"

"Programmed?" Prussia's hands clenched into fists, "I'm not fucking PROGRAMMED to like people okay? Other Units, sure there's some I'm supposed to be more inclined to, but not YOU damn it!"

Corey froze, but then shook his head. I felt like neither of them was acknowledging my existence at the moment... probably a good thing. "Well you're still not fucking REAL! Okay? You're just a soulless... body! That's all you are, and I can't fucking believe you tricked me into thinking you had feelings for me! Asshole!"

Prussia's eyes screamed that he was hurt but Corey wasn't looking at him anymore.

"Well... well yeah!" Prussia snapped, "Why the fuck should I feel anything for you? I'm fucking Unit! Why the hell should I have any sort of relationship with a human? Humans... humans fucking SUCK!"

"GOOD!" Corey shouted, "Then I'll be able to find a human that sucks as good as you, probably better!" Now people were staring... attracting attention... fuck.

"GILBERT!" I shouted, smacking him on the arm as Corey ran off, "You're making a scene! Why don't you shut up, it's not like it's a big deal!"

Prussia's angry eyes turned on me now and... and shit were those... were his eyes wet? Fuck... "Not a big...? You know what? I'm not even fucking surprised! And when I said humans suck, that fucking INCLUDES you!"

"Well... well shut up! Anyway, you hate Little Russia and fight with China too, so I guess Units must suck too! And hell, you DEFINITELY suck, you... you unawesome bastard!"

Prussia's eyes narrowed and he shook his head slowly. "You know what, bitch? I'm the one who's fucking done. I've had it with you. And maybe I can't get away before they find me but it's better than being here."

"What are you on about?" I asked, folding my own arms and not noticing as England came up behind me looking nervous, clothes in hand.

"W-what seems to be the trouble?" he asked carefully. Prussia snorted and turned on his heel.

"I'm leaving, that's what. See you never," Prussia started walking away and... and I just stood there watching him. Gilbird flew out of his hair and grabbed a few strands trying to tug him back, but Prussia said something and the bird slowly flew back down onto his head. When he was out of sight I noticed England tugging on my sleeve, looking horrified.

"Aren't you going to go after him?" England asked with wide eyes.

"I... n-no," I shook my head, "He just... needs to cool off, I think, he'll be back." I nodded, "He'll definitely be back." England looked unsure so I gave him my best attempt at a sincere smile which he uncertainly returned. We paid for the clothes and met with the other Units, who were confused and asking about why Prussia had left the store in a huff. I told them he left, and though they exchanged worried looks they still followed me out to the car without further comment. It was nice to have a normal amount of space in the front of the car on the way home.

Hopefully Prussia would be able to find the house in all this snow. But I doubted I could find him in this much snow anyway. I'd just have to wait until he got back, because he WOULD come back. Definitely, I mean, there's no way he wouldn't... right? I mean he doesn't like me, okay, or Little Russia... or China, really, or England either perhaps... America got along okay... he liked Canada, didn't he? That... that should be enough and... where else would he go?

Now I'm at home, sitting at my computer trying to finish half a book in two weeks but that cursor is blinking on the word document and I don't think I have any motivation to write. Why... why is that, do you think?

_((Joyful Note: THE END. Of this chapter. Yep... since February I had 3 pages done, got up to 10 pages done in the last week and wrote 12 pages this morning. Ain't that always the way? Here it is, god only knows when you'll see the next one, but let's just say the plot is going to start moving a bit faster now. Prussia has left... will he be back? We shall see... Also, many thanks **Silverwinds1313** for helping me edit out typos in the first 11 chapters of this! Prussia blog posts will reappear starting next chapter so I'll finally be able to use this backlog of them you guys have built up for me. Thanks guys, see you when I see you.))_


	13. They Can't Do That! Can They?

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 13~ They Can't Do That! Can They?**

_((Joyful Note: Back again and now... now is when things might become a little... odd. I am fully aware that up until now this fanfic while containing obvious elements of sci-fi fantasy has been mostly grounded in some kind of reality. Um... that isn't going to last much longer I fear... I only hope you guys stay on board with me because the ship is about to tilt... you'll understand soon enough I suppose...))_

Do I hate Prussia? No, no as I've said before, I don't hate him. Do I dislike him? Yes, yes I do. He's annoying, and loud, and shows up right when he isn't supposed to, straight up from the moment we met. Do I want him dead? ... no. God no. And fucking hell, I'm NOT going to let this happen. Even if Wes is staring like I'm crazy. Even if China's telling me there's no hope. Even if Little Russia is shaking his head and England's head is hanging. Even if Canada and America are standing and looking solemn. Even if Prussia is scoffing at me for being an idiot and raiding my fridge like a fucking gluttonous pig I WILL save Prussia from certain death! And I know I said something weird just now, but FUCK IT! Because you know I'm going to explain it to you anyway, because FUCKING HELL I'M GOING TO GET PRUSSIA BACK IF IT KILLS ME! AND I'LL START BY BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF THAT IDIOT UNIT THAT'S RAIDING MY FRIDGE!

When I had gotten home after that incident with Prussia at Wal-Mart, I had gone straight to my room to work on my novel. Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to write anything. Writer's block, it is a bitch. I decided I was still tired from the trip and determined it would be best if I started this task in the morning. I probably shouldn't have made that decision since that's usually how my procrastinating begins, but there you go. I turned off my monitor and went to lie on my bed in abject apathy. I heard sounds coming from my kitchen, but the whole house seemed... quieter than I would've thought it would be. I doubted it was entirely due to the absence of the albino Unit-who-shall-not-be-named. And who is not Voldemort. Surely he never made up so much of the noise in the house and America was here after all so shouldn't he be, I don't know, knocking shit over and annoying England? They couldn't be upset that other idiot left, he'd be back soon enough as I said and they didn't seem that fond of him anyway! Well, that I was aware of. Regardless, it was oddly quiet.

I didn't like it. I _really_ didn't like it. It was distracting. I got off my bed to open the door and saw my dogs sitting outside it. I shooed them aside as I went into the hall, shutting the door behind me. It had seemed that Panda-aru had done his job in feeding the dogs and letting them outside in the backyard as I'd instructed, and cleaning the litter box for the cats while I was gone. That was good. I supposed in the future he would be a helpful live-in pet sitter if nothing else; the dogs seemed to have warmed up to him alright by this point, which was somewhat astounding since he was still creepy as fuck, even if I was starting to get used to him.

I walked down my hallway to the kitchen and peered inside with hesitation. Yep... there they all were. Yao was cooking something but didn't seem to be putting much attention into it. Little Russia was standing on a chair to look out the window that faced the front walkway... presumably waiting for Prussia, I guess. Canada and America were also sitting at the table and looking depressed and England was leaning against the wall, arms folded and making quiet conversation with Panda-aru though what they were talking about I couldn't quite hear.

And obviously, Prussia was... well, gone. Damn it. I wanted to go in there and tell them to lighten the fuck up but I had a weird feeling that this wasn't the best idea in the world, whether because I thought they had a reason to be that upset about it or because I just didn't want to get into such a stupid discussion I wasn't sure. Instead I slipped away again unnoticed and went back to my room. I looked at the computer and sighed, sitting in front of it again and flipping the monitor back on. I wasn't in the mood to write, but that couldn't stop me from surfing the internet to perk my mood up. I watched a few videos on YouTube and checked my email for fan fiction updates I was following. There were a few I caught up on before I checked my 'favourites' list on my browser for other sites to visit and I noticed the link to Prussia's Blog I'd added back when I discovered it existed. I clicked on this link and looked at the German entries with a blank expression, since it wasn't as if I could understand that moon-speak without a translator.

Most of these entries, if I recalled, sounded rather depressing. Or at least rather 'unawesome', involving forced sex acts and beer deprivation for the Prussia Units writing them. Maybe this whole 'pissed at the world' thing was normal for them. That was probably so, now that I thought of it clearly. I found that annoying since I began wondering if that meant Prussia would still hate me even if I was nice to him and still would've marched off if Corey hadn't said those things... I found myself copy-pasting a few entries into Google translate and reading them. To the best of my knowledge, none of the others had staged an attempt at 'running away' if that's what mine was really doing. If they were enduring the same amount of crap and staying with their owners, then why would Prussia try to run now? I hoped by reading these entries I could come to some kind of conclusion about all this.

The first entry I read was from earlier that day, the 18th of December. I'm going to do my best to clear up the translation errors the internet gave me to work with.

'_It's me, the super awesome Prussia speaking! Gott, I am having such a crappy time here!'_

So far, it seemed about what I expected.

'_I got ordered by this chick who's absolutely flat [an A, I ended up raiding her bras], but I have to admit, she's got a nice figure going on [probably because she's obsessed with Wii Fit and DDR]... Anyway! She's super quiet and always murmuring to herself some weird-ass jokes when she's sitting at her damn laptop [I guess that's pretty good since I groped her and all she could say was ,"N-No.."]. Otherwise, when she has friends over, she won't shut up. She draws and writes on sticky notes, does a shitload of origami, sits on Skype 24/7, and just rambles to her parents in Polish.' _

I frowned. Whoever his owner was, she seemed like she was probably nicer to be around than I was, so did that mean the Unit was better off than my Prussia? Still, that wasn't a reason in and of itself for Prussia to just leave forever... which he hadn't! He was coming back and... and me being overweight and anti-social wasn't going to stop him from coming back. Nothing to worry about. I read on.

'_Oh yeah, her parents. They hate me. I figure that she saved up all her money to buy me-of course anyone would buy me, I'm so damn awesome!-and begged for me [Kesese, like everyone does]. She has a big-ass house too, but nothing to do in it! Her parents have tons of alcohol [including some awesome German bier!], but they won't let me drink it!' _

There now, see? I had no parents to disapprove of him and I don't ban him from beer. Though granted I told him he had to buy his own beer now... damn it...

'_Anyway, back to the chick. She argues about video games, movies, anime, and TV shows, because she's such a dork! She also keeps bitching about school and how much she sucks at Math, like I give a shit! So I'm looking through her computer files and all I see is language files, lame-ass drawings, and me and West making out- Wait what? Oh mein Gott!'_

Ha! Germancest fangirl! Well I had a big one up on her right now! Damn, incest, still not my thing and never will be. Honestly, my Units should start counting their fucking blessings, all of them!

'_She looks through fan-fics, role-plays as me on Skype, and has pictures of me and West making some man love [not that I mind]! The hell? I thought she was some nerd who just studies like some jacked-up college student, but oh Gott! She's one of those yaoi fangirls! Oh shit, she's in the room!_

_The King of Awesome, Prussia!'_

Well... yeah, that Prussia didn't seem to be doing too bad I guess except for the fact his owner liked Germancest and even then he seemed okay with it. He didn't seem to show signs of wanting to leave at any rate. Then again, he didn't have a pissy ex-boyfriend hanging around and saying shit to make him miserable either. I decided to continue.

I began scrolling back into the database's archives and came up with an entry from a Prussia writing in mid November.

'_It's been nearly three months ever since I got here, and this place isn't so awesome.'_

That seems to be the typical opener in these blog posts, huh.

' _For one, the owner, who was a tiny girl, barely a teenager too, didn't let me drink bier around her. Not just that, she said that I had to "get off my lazy arse and find a job" if I wanted bier, because she disapproves of it.'_

Well again, I let him have beer! Seriously! No Germancest and I approve alcohol! What the fuck more does that bastard want from me? It's more than these assholes got!

_'As unawesome as it is, I couldn't do much. Even though she's a midget, it hurts like a fucking bitch whenever she hits me with a fucking hockey stick. And not to mention the awesome me actually lost in a hockey game, to a girl as small as her!'_

I snorted that that. I didn't want to stereotype and assume the girl was Canadian. Lord knows I couldn't play hockey worth a damn but come on, I was a Hetalia fan, I couldn't help it.

_'Other than the no-drinking thing though, she wasn't that bad. Moody, kinda bipolar and looks like West's friend, Kiku, but she's one of Arthur's people! '_

Oh... not Canadian... uh, see! This is why stereotyping is bad!

_British accent, check, loves tea, check, and snobby like him, kesesesese! _

... or... not? I don't even fucking know anymore. Stupid confusing British people, can't they just leave hockey to citizens who have it as a national sport? It would make things a hell of a lot simpler.

'_One minute she's brooding, the next she was about to maim Arthur if he said he had a problem with the nation of France. She's insane, since she pulled a fucking gun on me when I first got here._

_Her academy had a Halloween Festival before, and she scared the shit out of Alfred (he screamed like a girl)! She didn't tell us until now, that unawesome bitch._

_The bitch and her rules aside, this is a good life, kesesesese'_

Okay, so he was happy. Then again, no Germancest there. Clearly Prussia did not need beer to be happy with his arrangement, though. That was interesting to take into consideration...

... was I really trying to figure out why he was upset? Shit, I think I was. Well... well it's not like it was obvious or anything as he was making it out to be! God, he was such a girl, why couldn't he just tell me what the fuck was wrong, the bastard...

Anyway, I still didn't know what the fuck to do with the guy to make him stop being a moping idiot so I slid forward again in the archives to early December.

'_Yo, the awesome Prussia here. I've been having some fun at my place, but my owner's a bit weird. She can never say a full sentence when West's around, and keeps turning this really unawesome shade of red when he talks to her. Thing is, she's totally fine with me, unless I try groping her which makes her get all flustered and scream-y, but I'm not the one she ordered. She ordered West, and got me as a bonus 'cause apparently she's a dedicated Hetalia fan. And...well... her house is sort of creepy. There are pictures of the Nations everywhere, even the bathroom.'_

Well, this girl seemed a bit closer to me then. I wanted Russia, Russia would make me start stammering most likely and I had a ton of anime merchandise, some at least of the nations. No doubt Prussia found that creepy. But this Prussia only found his owner a bit weird, what the hell was I doing to make my Prussia this fucking pissed?

_'Looks like the chick's an architect too or at least she's learning to be one. Her house isn't that big, and she spends more than I think she has on anime DVDs. West took one look at the mess around the house and started cleaning, and she told me that she was about ready to propose then. Only thing that wasn't messy was her study, which was more obsessively clean than even West's stuff. I think it's just weird, but West says it proves she's not a total loss.'_

... well, my ground floor was pretty clean... I doubted that cleanliness had anything to do with this situation though.

_'Her friends, I don't know about them. She claims that one of them is the future Overlord of the world, and that when the time comes she will take her place as Historian and Overlord's heir. I say she's insane. Funny, she agrees. At least she's not making me and West do it in weird ways, which is a lot better than most of you lot can say.'_

Yep, seems to be the case. I wouldn't have that happen either! Though at that moment the thought struck me that Prussia still might be upset about my plotting to have Russia violate him. Honestly, I don't quite understand the aversion, but that could have been something of a contributing factor I supposed.

_'Aaaaand she's reading over my shoulder. Got to go before she starts figuring out what my words mean. Barely speaks German really...later other awesome mes!'_

Well whatever. This wasn't really helping that much. I figured I'd read one more and scrolled ahead down the page to the recent entries. The word 'Kaliningrad' caught my eye and since I recalled that this was the Unit that could accidently be shipped to new Unit owners instead of the Prussia that was ordered, this was the one I decided to run through the translator.

'_Kaliningrad:_

_I'm not very sure what to write about, or if i even want to write about anything. If I write something wrong, I'm afraid that Russia will find out and get mad, and I really don't want to think of what happens then...'_

Russia... huh... well, I supposed it was true that Kaliningrad was supposedly a Prussia Unit that was raped and abused to submission by Russia according to the manual. Well, that's... sad and all, but my Prussia wasn't a Kaliningrad and ANYWAY, this Unit Co was some kind of clone growing institution, they wouldn't... they wouldn't actually let rape go on... though that's not to say it didn't maybe happen anyway... If Prussia really was abused by a Russia Unit at some point, maybe that _does_ kind of explain his hostility. But if he wants to believe that all Units don't have to be created equal just because they are clones of the same character, then shouldn't he give a new Russia the benefit of the doubt? Especially his child version! Damn it Prussia, why can't you just... just... make sense or something! Be consistent! I know people aren't usually consistent but as a fictional character you should be! Except... well you don't really want to be thought of as fictional... er...

_'I guess the best thing to write about would be anything but him._

_Living here is actually kind of nice if you don't count the CHIBI!IVAN that lives here, also. My owner is actually very nice, she doesn't force me to do anything I don't want, and her house is very quiet. Well, most of the time. Well, maybe a little of the time.'_

Sounds like my house, though I was surprised that I wished it was less quiet about now. Damn, I was mad when the Units made my house noisy before, but I guess at some point I must've gotten used to it. Anyway, I was paying close attention to this 'Kaliningrad' Unit. It seemed very... very different than the other Prussia Units. Now I really wanted to know what they did to a Prussia Unit to get him like this. Well, they probably just grew them that way I guess.

_'The other units and her friend don't get along with each other very well, so really most of the time is yelling. My master will sometimes try to calm them down, but it seems like the PIRATE!ENGLAND here really despises her friend, so usually she just gives up.'_

She has a Pirate!England? LUCKY! If there's anything that makes England sexier, it's when he's dressed like that and... god I just... oh, um, I'm heading off track. No but seriously, that's hot.

_'Really, I think that my master puts up with too much.'_

I put up with too much too! I wish _my_ Prussia freaking saw that...

_'I have to end it here, Russia just came in. I hope that my master is here to help me._

_Kaliningrad Gilbert'_

... you know I... I kind of hope his master was there to help him too... why did I feel so bad for this guy? His situation seemed better than some I'd seen on that blog but... maybe it was just his mannerisms in that entry? It seemed so... un-Prussia-like, to the point where it was uncomfortable. Still, that means there are Prussia and Kaliningrad Units. If they're different Units then it's expected that they would act different. I shrugged it off and navigated away from Prussia's website. That was a lot to mull over. My ultimate conclusion about my own Prussia Unit was that he was being an overreacting douche and when he got back I'd confront him about it.

For the moment, I had other pressing business. Namely, I had checked my credit card debt after reading those blog posts and it was _not_ looking good. At all. I needed help with this mess and so I needed to give Unit Co a call about getting SIN numbers and stuff for my Units. They would be working if I had anything to say about it. And honey, I DEFINITELY had stuff to say about it.

Of course, my only actual phone was in the kitchen. So I had to enter the war-zone so to speak... or at least subject myself to whatever was awaiting me should I destroy this delicately balanced quiet-time that had set over my household. If nothing else, it would be nerve-wracking.

I tentatively slunk my way through the hall toward the kitchen entryway and peered around the corner again. Not too much had changed. China was finishing up the meal by the looks of it; Little Russia still stared out the window, but now Panda-aru and England sat at the table with Canada and America was nowhere to be seen. I heard the TV in the living room though, so I presumed that was where he had gone. Taking a breath, I entered the room. Immediately all eyes turned to look at me. It was creepy as hell for a good half second before they all turned away again.

Okay... awkward... I made my way to the phone, grabbed it, and scuttled out into the hallway again. The mood was far too...

Wait a minute... I _did_ have a phone in my bedroom, why did I think I had to go to the... damn I hate brain farts. Well, I'd done it now! I was calling Unit Co so... so let me be!

I dialled the number, which I still believe it wasn't right that I'd memorized y the way, and waited for the usual robotic female voice to take me through the menu. Instead, to my utter shock, I was immediately met by Wes' voice, sounding rather... distracted.

"_Hello, Unit Co is currently experiencing slight technical- PUT THAT DOWN I SAID! –difficulties, and our automated menu is- GOD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO! – down at the moment, if this is not an emergency, please call back at- I'M GOING TO TELL YOUR MOM YOU LITTLE- another time," _The shouting wasn't into the receiver, but it still made my ears ring unpleasantly.

"WES!" I shouted into the phone and the man paused for a minute.

"_Oh... the Russian fangirl_," he muttered, "_I said that I'd get your Russia Unit to you next year! I SAID PUT THE DAMN THING DOWN!"_

"Okay bub, you've gotta stop yelling there. What are you doing, anyway?"

"_Uh, well, my neighbour dumped her twin brats on me but obviously I'm working, so now I'm babysitting too. Extra cash, but at this rate- IS THAT A FUCKING TASER GUN?"_

"Uh-huh," I said, supremely uninterested. I mean, that was his problem and like I gave a damn about the man who was the cause of my miseries. "Well I need to order job credentials for America, Canada, England and Prussia."

"_Prussia_?" His voice sounded confused a minute, but somehow it got worse on the next word, "_England? You don't have an England._"

"Yes I do," I snorted, "I won him as a door prize in Toronto."

"_Toronto?_" Wes' voice went up in pitch, "_Shit, uh, I guess it's fine... I should make a note of th-AH! DON'T SHOCK ME WITH THAT THING!"_

"Yeah anyway, can you send credentials for them? SIN numbers, resumes, the whole shebang?"

"_Well, uh, I guess for America, Canada and... Prussia..." _Why the hell did he draw that out? _"Er, yeah we can. But England's under a different company. We can't supply credentials for Units created by other companies."_

"Other company?" I was bewildered for a moment, but then I recalled that other companies did in fact make these things, it wasn't a monopoly or anything. "Which company?"

"_You should ask him to be sure but... seeing as he's from Toronto it's likely Flying Mint Bunny Inc._"

"Well shit," I muttered into the phone and sighed. "How do I contact them, then?"

"_That number should be in his manual, er, though it might be a little difficult to reach them from where you are... uh... bad connections?"_

My eyebrow rose. "How would you know that? Have you called them recently? Where's _your_ head office by the way?"

"_Uh, that... that is not allowed to be divulged to customers for the safety of both personal and Units still being raised to their perfected potential."_

"Whatever," I sighed, "Just get me the credentials you can then. How soon will they be here?"

"_We'll get them to you as early as tomorrow afternoon. Shall I charge it to your credit card account you used in your last purchase?"_

"I guess, if it doesn't max it out. Damn. How much does this cost, by the way?"

The number made me gag.

"Are you _serious_? I just want to get them some decent entry-level jobs, they don't need a fucking doctorate!"

"_Well it's not that simple, we have to manipulate records, create false job history..."_

"That sounds illegal."

"_Er, do you want them to be able to work or not? Anyway, it's hardly THAT expensive, just a few hundred dollars each."_

"Fine, fine, do what you have to then. Fucking hell, forgot that I had three of them... whatever. Okay, I'm going to end up calling the other company then I suppose, and get those credentials here ASAP!" I hung up before the man could reply. I had things to do for Christ's sake! And also I wanted to annoy someone outside of the house, since the silence was still irritating me. I used to like silence. I really did. What the fuck happened?

I turned around to put the phone back in the kitchen, and nearly shit my pants to see England leaning against the wall, looking at me with a raised eyebrow. And boy, with eyebrows like his that gesture was EXTREMELY pronounced. I'd say it's impossible for a face to look more quizzical than when you raise a monster like _that _higher than its brother, I'm telling you.

"Ah! Um, w-what the fuck Arthur!" I snapped, fiddling with the phone in my hands and trying to decide if England was creeping me out with that stare or turning me on. It was a close call.

"So I suppose you wish to contact Flying Mint Bunny Incorporated, then?" he asked in his death-to-haters British accent of sexiness.

"Er, yeah," I replied, coughing slightly and trying to ignore the sensation in my loins that, had I been a male, would've cause my pants to tighten. Females are lucky. We can pretend we're not aroused most of the time. It's handy, especially around British accents.

England nodded, seeming... concerned, for some reason. "You do realise that this is impossible?"

I snorted, "Impossible? Why would it be impossible? I happen to own a strange device called a 'telephone'. It does allow for such contact."

England coughed, looking awkward, "Well, er, you see I am sponsored by a different company than your other Units, correct?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, obviously, I was just told that, hun."

England fidgeted. "Well, er, yes. Of course. But you see... once you have registered under one company by procuring a Unit, you are not allowed to receive Units from the other company. Um, to put it bluntly, this case is a rare mistake."

"Well it's their mistake, not mine," I huffed, "So what, Flying Mint Bunny isn't going to talk to me?"

England shook his head, "Well, no. Not as such. I mean, y-your phone likely won't go through to them at all. So there isn't really a point in trying. Even if you did, they might actually... er that is... well I can assure you I'm fully capable of finding a way to make money without such items that you intend to order!"

"Oh really?" Most of what England had told me had, admittedly, gone in one ear and out the other, leaving naught but slight arousal in its wake. However, not having to purchase nonsense like SIN card numbers would be nice.

England, upon noticing my interested look, seemed to be relieved. "Yes, I'll get to work on that straight away! I-I can assure you it will be done!"

My eyes narrowed. There was something odd here. "Why are you so relieved about this? Why don't you want me to even try calling your company?"

England squeaked here, blushed, and waved his hands in the air in front of him. It was cute. Adorable even. Damn that adorable Brit. "W-well I... Well the reason is... i-it's not that important! I-I just don't want you to have to spend more money when it's unnecessary!"

"Uh huh," I muttered, and then sighed, giving a shrug. "Well whatever, it's not like I even care. Saving money's typically a good idea in this strained time and all. I'll leave off with it then."

"Good," England's shoulders sagged in open relief now, though I chose to ignore this.

"So how are you planning on making money?"

"Oh!" England grinned, "Well, as you may know, I do have a good hand for needlework! I thought, perhaps, I could knit and embroider some things and sell them online, or at a flea market..."

I perked up at that. "That's... not a bad idea actually. You can get on it, there should be some sewing equipment and... well some sort of materials and fabric in my room with my cosplays... not sure if I have yarn or thread right now though..." I frowned. "Well we'll go out and get some later then."

"Great, yes, bloody brilliant," England smiled and nodded excitedly, "I know just what to start with too!"

"A unicorn parade?" I asked, half-joking. I don't remember where I heard it from, but I remember reading something a fan wrote once about how every time England embroidered something, it was a unicorn parade. Always.

However, my England Unit huffed at this. "No, for your information I was going to knit a scarf with an English rose on it."

"Eeeh, still pretty girly," I shrugged, inciting England's glare. Whatever, man.

"DINNER IS READY-ARU!"

The call was sudden, but welcome as my stomach growled in response to it. I was really starting to like this whole 'live-in chef' thing. It was definitely worth it, having China around, except for that incident with my ceiling porn. That was still a bastard move.

Dinner was... tense, to say the least. That is to say, there wasn't much in the way of speaking for most of it, and Little Russia kept turning around in his seat to stare out the window. I noticed that it was snowing again, as if we didn't already have enough of that demonic fluff around here.

It was only when everyone had mostly finished eating that I finally could not take this any longer.

"ALRIGHT!" I shouted, making all my Units jump and turn to stare at me, wide-eyed.

"Was shouting really necessary?" England grumbled, twisting a finger into his ear. Being the one sitting closest to me, I suppose it was loudest for him. Well, sitting, standing at the counter... I still had far more people than chairs right now and Although America and Tony were eating in front of the TV everyone else seemed to have deemed the kitchen as the only suitable place to dine.

"Yes, shouting was completely necessary," I grunted, "You're all being too... well, quiet. What the fuck? Seriously, will SOMEONE explain why you're all being such... such... Negative Nancies!"

"Negative who-aru?"

"Never mind," I snapped, "The point is, Gilbert will be back. And hell, even if he isn't you're all being... well... strangely solemn about it!" I took an angry bite of noodles and swallowed hard, glaring around the table. It was Little Russia, however, that spoke before China clapped a hand over his mouth.

"I do not want Big Brother Prussia to die," The Russian said quietly before he was silenced by the Chinese man's hand.

"Die?" For some reason, I suddenly rather cold inside. To be honest, I hadn't considered that possibility. Though I'll grant you, Prussia didn't have Corey's house to run to now and it _was_ dark outside. "Well, he," I cut myself off and shivered, "W-well you Units you... you heal really fast, and I-I'm sure you can take the cold better than the average human. I don't think the elements will be, er, that bad."

"Actually," Canada's soft voice, so rarely heard at the best of times, made all heads suddenly swivel in his direction. He squeaked at the attention and flushed. "A-actually, um, w-while you do have a good point, eh, about the cold probably not being an issue... um... m-maple well... Th-that's not what the major issue is."

"Uh, really," I frowned, "Then... what is the issue?"

China stood up from his chair abruptly, "We are not supposed to speak of that-aru!"

"Well Mattie was already speaking, let him finish!" I snapped, turning to glare at Canada who let out a small 'eep' as China sent him a warning look as well. "Come on, I have a right to know what the fuck is going on with my Unit!"

"Th-the problem is-"

Though at that moment Canada was cut off by a loud knock on the door. Little Russia, having been distracted until now, jumped up and twisted to look out the window.

"BIG BROTHER PRUSSIA!" he squealed and clapped his hands. I heard soft sighs of relief coming from my other Units and, to my shock, I found myself giving a slow breath out as well. Not that I was ever worried!

"I'll let him in then I guess," I said, putting my empty dish in the dish washer before heading over to the door. That idiot, took him long enough to get here! I was going to give that asshole a piece of my mind. Or, well, I was going to do that. Except that when I opened the door I was greeted with a cocky, perverted grin and two pale hands suddenly clamped on my ample chest pillows.

What the fuck.

"DAMN IT GILBERT!" I screamed, grabbing his wrists and thrusting his arms away from me. "I thought we'd gotten past that stage! Now get the fuck in here before I beat you fucking senseless in the doorway!"

"Kesesese! What shoved a stick up your ass?" Prussia snorted and came in the door, looking around with that odd, smug smile on his face. What the fuck was wrong with him? Guess he was over the Corey thing then... finally... that was good, right?

Little Russia came running into the room heading straight for the Prussian Unit when he suddenly stopped dead and stared up at the guy with wide eyes.

"U-um, B-Big Brother Prussia?" Little Russia asked, hesitantly.

"Yeah, wha- oh, you! Kesesese!" Prussia laughed and grabbed Little Russia up into his arms and started... giving him a noogie. And a hard one too. The kid's eyes were watering for Christ's sake!

"Hey! Let go of him, asshole!" I snapped, pulling Little Russia sharply from the albino's arms. Prussia shrugged and gave the kid a feral grin. Weird that was... well I wasn't going to think much on it. Maybe the cold rattled his brain or something. "God, I don't even want to deal with you and your... stupidness! I'm going to watch TV! So go... go do something!"

Shooting the Prussian a glare and ignoring the other three Units staring from the kitchen doorway, I put Little Russia down and marched into the living room where Tony and America seemed mesmerized by that stop-motion Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer movie that's been played at Christmas time since time and TV began. At least as far as I'm aware. And hell, it's not even that good of a movie but it's a 'Christmas Classic' so we're continuously subjected to it.

Though I was kind of fond of that little dentist elf. What was his name... Hermy? Herpes? He was kind of cheerful, but I always got the sense that if he hadn't met Rudolph in this movie both would've ended up meeting their ends with bitter plunges into the icy Arctic Ocean. It was depressingly tragic really.

And who doesn't like Yukon Cornelius? That guy was just fucking awesome. With his dog sled with mix-matched dogs that he pulls around himself... and... well... he's just awesome. And in later years of watching I sort of put him on par with Hagrid from Harry Potter in terms of bearded greatness too, so there was that.

However at the moment the Rudolph gang was on the Island of Misfit Toys which is a stupid idea. First of all, some of these toys aren't even misfits. Firstly, 'Charlie in the Box'. That's not a misfit, that's a knock off, and the kid will call it a 'Jack in the Box' anyway. There's no issue. And what the fuck was ever wrong with that one doll? I never could figure that one out. She's just... a doll. I think at one point she says something about what's wrong with her but either I couldn't make out what she said or I didn't understand it. Or maybe she didn't say anything and I'm remembering things wrong. What the hell. And there's a toy gun who shoots jelly! WHAT THE HELL LAME KID WOULDN'T WANT THAT? It's delicious AND makes a better weapon than water or plastic bullets ever did! Well, I would've liked it anyway. And that polka dot elephant? That was just cute.

And so I found myself sitting next to America, staring at the screen as well. I think it might've been a natural progression. On the commercial break I turned to the Unit with the glasses and asked him why he was ostracizing himself from everyone. After explaining what ostracized meant, he answered.

"Oh, well, uh, I was distracting myself, I guess."

"Distracting yourself? Oh, right," I nodded. Well, if he was as weirdly stressed out as the rest of the Units over this Prussia tantrum I could relate to watching TV as a distraction. It really did help. "Well Gil's back now, so no more issues, right?"

America frowned slightly at this, strangely enough, and looked over his shoulder at Prussia who had Canada clamped to his side and was speaking into his ear as the Canadian grew steadily redder and began trying to pull away. Yeah, I guess Prussia was over Corey alright. Asshole. Well, maybe some yaoi for later? Though Canada didn't seem really into it... oh well, Prussia had already made his stance again bondage and non-con so I doubted there would be too much of a problem. I turned back around to watch the movie.

America, however, got up and started marching toward Prussia with what I would assume was murder in his eyes. I assume it, because he was marching away from me and I couldn't actually see his eyes but he was giving off the body language that he was pissed.

Then he decked Prussia.

Chaos as Prussia jumped up and started swinging back. What... those two had never fought before! Canada was looking embarrassed and likely would've managed at fading into the background if the fight hadn't been about him.

My dogs came running in, barking loudly. They sniffed Prussia's leg, barked louder and then... bit him. What?

"OW! FUCK!" Prussia kicked out his leg and now I was running over, pulling my yapping animals backward. What the hell, I thought my dogs had accepted Prussia already! They never even barked at him anymore! However, when Prussia got a look at the dogs he cackled. "Kesesese! Doggies! Here!" he knelt down and I curiously let my pups go. They ran at Prussia, but the albino accepted them openly, rubbing at their heads until the dogs decided to calm down a little. Well... great... I guess.

Meanwhile, America seemed to forget about what they were fighting over, spotted Canada again, and dragged his twin over to watch Rudolph with him. I ran my fingers through my hair in annoyance and marched out into the kitchen again where England was helping China do the dishes. The two were getting along rather well, actually, despite the warnings in the manual. Well, they had similar personalities, at least when it came to being responsible for others. No matter the troubles they had in the past, met under different circumstances I'm sure they could get along cordially.

However, the fact they had been talking when I walked in and immediately stopped talking when they noticed me was both suspicious and annoying. I considered calling them out about it for a moment, but then sighed and chose to let it go instead. I was tired. Really tired. I drove five hours and dealt with... whatever the fuck all this was today! I was done. I whistled for my dogs and retreated to my bedroom. I had a lot to write tomorrow...

I had been sleeping rather well, actually, until two in the morning when a loud German accent screamed from my kitchen.

"HEY! WHERE'S ALL THE BIER?"

I groaned, half asleep, "I DON'T HAVE ANY!"

There was stomping, and my bedroom door was flung open. Prussia filled it, looking horrified. "What do you mean, you don't have any?"

"I mean I don't, that's what you getting a job was about! So you could go buy your own damn beer!" I grumbled. I had a weird sense of déjà vu. Damn it Prussia, you can't even remember this much? "Let me go back to sleep!"

"No way!" Prussia pouted, then grinned, "Well, if you don't get me bier, you could help me feel better some other way..."

"Okay, WHAT THE FUCK is the matter with you?" I snapped, finally pushing myself upright and glaring into the dark. My shout made my dogs jump up on the bed, but I brushed that aside for now. "You're acting... weird! You're being really perverted and cocky and... and you're just..."

"Awesome?" Prussia suggested, "Awesomely awesome?"

"NO! You're an asshole!"

Prussia sniggered. "And you expect less of the great Prussia?"

"I thought you didn't _want_ to be compared to Prussia from the anime!" I seethed.

Prussia's eyebrow rose. "Uh, well... Prussia's just..."

"Awesome?" I suggested, sarcastically.

"Yeah!" Prussia agreed happily... Prussia usually hates it when I do that. I frowned.

"Seriously. What's going on?" I asked softly, more softly than I would've liked, but it seemed that was the only way I could make words come out.

Prussia snorted, "Nothing, now, get me bier!"

"No," I said sharply, "Now get out. I... I need to sleep. If I drove anywhere now I'd crash the car and I'm certainly not giving the car keys to you. Go to bed."

Prussia frowned this time, but finally chuckled, slightly. "Kesese, fine. Tomorrow, we're getting bier! And for now I'll go to bed... in the um... on the..."

"In the basement?" I said, wearily.

"Right! Going!" Prussia laughed and slammed my door on the way out. Fucking bastard. What... what the fuck was wrong with him? Well... whatever it was... it wasn't like he was dead so... we'd figure it out in the morning. I went back to sleep.

That morning I was awoken, as I often seem to be recently, by the doorbell. I sighed and stretched, making sure I was wearing pants before heading to my bedroom door and releasing my doors into their race up the hall and toward the front door. When I reached there, I opened the door to find Wes holding an envelope with burn marks on his hands, probably the tazers from yesterday. Heh. Bastard deserved it, he sucked at his job.

"So, these are your papers for America, Canada and Prussia," Wes handed them to me and a dutifully looked them over this time before signing for them. All seemed to be in order. Wes continued as Prussia walked behind me from the living room to the kitchen. I didn't even know he had been in the living room. "Oh, and your replacement Prussia is here, that's good."

I froze in my signing and my head jerked up to stare at Wes. "My what?"

Wes froze as well, looking like a deer caught in headlights. "Uh... I mean Prussia's back!"

"What..." I took a deep breath, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN REPLACEMENT?" I'll grant you, this definitely cleared up why Prussia was acting funny.

Wes winced, "U-um..."

Prussia poked his head back into the front hall. "Oh, yeah, there was another Prussia here, but he sucked at being the awesome me, so Unit Co replaced him with me. So, no more problems! Kesesese!" He then proceeded to go back into the kitchen and open my fridge to look for food. I turned a wild gaze back at Wes.

"WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK?" I screamed and Wes backed up. I shook my head and grabbed Wes' shirt, yanking him into my house, though he protested it seemed I was the stronger of the two of us. I pulled him to the living room, threw him down on the couch and gave him the mother of all glares. "And who, pray tell, authorized this whole... replacing thing?"

Wes gulped, his ice blue eyes completely rimmed in white. "W-well it's procedure, when we notice a Unit has declared himself running away forever. I-It saves on refunds and bad PR and-"

"Shut up," I hissed, "So, where is _my original_ Prussia, then?"

"It um... it..." Wes sighed, "Well it was sent back to headquarters for deactivation."

"Deactivation?" my eyebrow rose, "He's a clone, not a robot." Suddenly, my eyes widened. The cold feeling entered my stomach and spread through my body. "What... wait you... he..." I shook my head, slowly. It couldn't be. "They can't... they can't do that! They... they're going to... kill... NO!" I shouted, "They can't fucking do that! He's mine I... I paid for him didn't I?"

Wes gulped again, "B-but they sent a replacement, i-it's the same thing..."

"NO HE'S NOT BLOODY WELL THE SAME!" I roared, but suddenly I felt short of breath. I clenched my fists and unclenched them, trying to process what was happening. Suddenly I felt an arm around my shoulders and I startled, looking up. It was... America? "Wh-what are you...?"

America sighed and in a weird, un-America-like gesture pushed his glasses up his nose and looked at me with a serious expression. Very un-America-like indeed. "Dude it..." he sighed, "It's too late."

It was then I noticed that my eyes felt... wet. Wet? Why... why would I... over him? Over Prussia? My... over Gilbert? What the... what the fuck this can't...

"Get him back!" I snapped at Wes, "There has... there has to be a way! Take me to your goddamn HQ! Do it now! GET ME THERE SO I CAN GET THAT BASTARD BACK! He's not walking out on me! He's not... he's not going to do this!"

Wes coughed, "That's impossible."

"NO IT ISN'T!" I yelled, "If you don't, I'm going to report you and your serious issues with delivering me the correct Unit! And then hey, you lose your job, don't you? So you better take me to that goddamn HQ!"

This got Wes' attention, "You can't-"

"YES I FUCKING CAN!"

We stared each other down. Then I stared around the room. I was shocked to find my Units had gathered in here, probably to see what the shouting was about. Well, except the imposter Prussia who was raiding the damn fridge. I think if America wasn't holding me back I would be trying to wring Wes' puny neck.

This is where I am now. My god. My god I... I WILL get him back!

"Why can't I?" I say, firmly, looking Wes in the eye, "What exactly is stopping you from taking you to Unit Co. Headquarters right now?"

"It's against policy," Wes says quietly.

"I don't care! I need to go! Just jump in your van and take me there!"

Wes shakes his head, "It's not that simple."

"Then I'll jump on a plane and go there, how far away is it?" I ask angrily.

America snorts, "Like, thirty years..." Suddenly all heads but mine are looking at America in horror. I stare at them, and then up at America who is looking seriously down at me again.

"What do you mean?" I ask, softly again, "It doesn't take thirty years to go anywhere on earth."

"It's not..." My head whips around to see China speaking, looking away, "It's not distance it... Unit Co will not be officially founded for another ten years. And we won't be of the age for distribution for another thirty."

I blink and turn to Wes who is looking terrified now. "Wait... so Unit Co... Unit Co is in the future... and you all... time travelled here... to sell clones of anime characters." Wes nods.

Well... well... shit.

_((Blog Posts: PlatinumPixels, __Ekishou Kitai__, __Karen Elaine DuLay__, Meco64))_

_((Joyful Note: Shorter than usual. 17 pages. But a month early. And yes. Time travel. Well... it's the only way it makes sense! Without time travel, you can't sell clones of fads because in the time it takes to grow the clone from child to adult the fad could be out of style! So time travel is NECESSARY for this sort of operation!_

_Anyway, OCs name is revealed chapter after next. Excitement for all. Is Prussia/Gilbert really dead? IS HE? Hell, he might be, I'm not adverse to darkness in stories like this. But we'll see. Hope you enjoyed... because the dramatic bit starts here I suppose.))_


	14. Just Because I'm Rescuing Him

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

**Chapter 14: Just Because I'm Rescuing Him, Doesn't Mean I Like Him!**

_((Joyful Note: Zettai Kareshi... Absolute Boyfriend... an Anonymous reviewer on my last chapter asked if my time travel was a reference to it. I must say... it sort of is. Lol, indeed it... it kind of really is. Waaay back when I began this story I had just finished reading that manga, along with another manga called 'Afterschool Charisma'. I am going to admit right now that my ideas for Units and the struggles they face here were pretty much based off of ideas that came from reading those two other manga. I decided that Unit Co existed in the future very early on, you see. I recommend both of those manga too, by the way. Absolute Boyfriend is cute, Afterschool Charisma makes you think. I just hope you don't decide I was... I don't know... copying or something. Maybe I was in a way, but hey, it's hard to have an idea that's completely original! So... no judging! Anyway, it isn't really a carbon copy of either of those things, but a combination of both. Both lovely... lovely things. Indeed. Also, this entire idea of 'Units' is very similar to Absolute Boyfriend anyway! Really. It is. So, enjoy the chapter already!))_

Time travel is a bitch to pull off apparently, or at least it has a long loading time. But honestly, I think the fact I managed it is the least of my accomplishments today, and I'm certainly not finished yet. Though at the moment I'm feeling hopeful that America will be able to break down this door and allow me to try to talk some goddamn sense into Prussia because... because how could anyone WANT to be... 'deactivated'? But, er, this happens MUCH later, so it'll be a while until we reach that from where I left you back in the year 2020. I hope you have a barf bag handy, because not only if the time stream doesn't make you nauseous, then some of this bullshit I'm about to spew at Prussia will, I'm sure.

I must admit, the idea of the Units being from the future was a bit of a bombshell. A... a really big bombshell. Like, enormous, size of France bombshell. Most people would tell you that's pretty large. And yet in some ways it made sense. After all, how else could clones be grown to a proper age for selling before the fad died out? Though I would have assumed they could simply grow them to the proper size automatically... though if that were true, how would Little Russia exist... unless people actually bought the child versions but...

Well, none the less, this was a bombshell. I staggered to the sofa and sank down on it. Immediately my lap was filled with Bandit and Dudley looking for a head scratch. I did so without thinking about it, trying to understand how this could be happening.

After a moment I leaned back so I was staring at the ceiling started laughing. Hard. Too hard.

"Aiyah! H-has she cracked-aru?"

"I-I don't know, eh..."

America's face suddenly filled my vision and he lightly slapped my cheeks. I groaned and finished laughing, instead putting on my serious face(TM).

"So, no free will, then," I said finally.

"What?" Wes' eyebrow rose.

"No free will," I said with a sigh, shaking my head, "Though really, I've suspected since high school that it didn't exist, but now it's confirmed."

China frowned slightly, walking in front of my line of vision. "Why... why would this situation confirm that there's no free will, aru?"

I chuckled. I might as well tell them, it was... too late... god I feel so empty inside... I shouldn't, there's no good reason, but I do. "Okay well, I don't think free will makes sense logically, to begin with. I mean, every person's body and brain chemistry, not just Units, but every creature born is a sum of their parents' DNA and their random mutations. It follows that plan, and even those mutations are a result of outside factors... those outside factors are the result of, oh, atoms bouncing off each other in a certain order that was started at the big bang and keeps going, each reaction creating a certain reaction in a certain order... and... basically every action is a sum of all other forces acting upon it... there's no other way for it to turn out. In a vacuum if you hit something it keeps travelling in the direction you hit it unless it's hit by something else... so while everything might be created by accident there is literally no other way for something to turn out except the way it does, once something began the motion," I shook my head and went on.

"And your personality is a sum of your DNA plus every experience that ever happens to you... and your personality judges your decisions, so you don't really decide what you do it's only based on the sum of experiences and who you are at the time, so you can choose nothing other than what you end up choosing, therefore no free will."

"That's... that's needlessly confusing!" England snapped, making me shift my gaze to the corner he was standing in, looking kind of irritated with his arms crossed and everything. Huh. "And for that matter, I still don't see why that means there isn't free will... or what that even has to do with this situation!"

"Well, we're talking about time travel, which confirms my theory that free will doesn't exist," the confusion didn't seem to lift, so it seemed I would have to elaborate. I let out a frustrated sigh before doing so, just so I would seem like more of a tortured genius labouring among idiots. It's a nice image to flaunt around now and again, makes one feel too important for this shit. "Time travel cannot exist in a universe with free will, or else there would be the chance of creating paradoxes. Paradoxes cannot logically exist. If someone goes back in time to change an event in the present and succeeds, then there is no reason to travel back in time in the first place so they would not have gone back, only they would have had to have to have made the change. That's a paradox and cannot exist. Without free will, any change made to the past had essentially already happened, creating a time loop, which is a strange thing to think about but is at least possible. But yes, if there's time travel, there cannot be free will."

"Well, uh, not necessarily."

I frowned and looked at America again. "How do you mean?" This should be good; America is going to try to refute my obvious genius with his oblivious idiocy.

"Well, dude, what about multi-universe theory?" America asked while nibbling on his lip. Huh. Well that... I'll admit, this gave me reason to pause. How embarrassing, the only way to cover this up is to act as though America saying something intelligent was a normal occurrence so hopefully no one would question it.

"Multi-universe theory..." I hummed, folding my arms and thinking about it. "That... that would make it possible... ignoring the whole 'free will isn't logical in the first place' argument of course."

"Um... multi-universe theory?" Wes asked, glancing between myself and America for clarification. Geez, what a simpleton. Probably a jock in high school. Or... or something. Maybe not a jock, he didn't really have defined muscles or anything...

"Oh, multi-universe theory is the idea that there are infinite realities parallel to each other in which every single possibility can be realised," America said in one breath. Wow. He was smarter than I had previously given him credit for... either that or he'd just watched a bunch of Big Bang Theory re-runs.

"Um... okay... and how does that allow for free will?" Wes asked blankly.

I groaned, "Well, OBVIOUSLY, if we consider multi-universe theory, then it's possible that by travelling back in time to change the past you make no change to the future you came from, but instead create an entirely new universe branching off from the original in which the change you made occurred, creating two futures where once there was one. However then it gets messy when you try to return to your own time, because if you anchored yourself to the future I can only assume you'd return to the timeline where the change did not occur, unless the time travel is only one way in which case you may just stay in the past living out life as an outsider watching the changes in the timeline that you've created... unless staying in that time stream would mean when you launched into the future again you get to experience the future in which the change did occur since that's the time stream you're in..."

"This seems needlessly confusing-aru."

"It is," I said baldly, "Which is why I've generally written off time travel as impossible. This idea of you guys coming from the future is hard to wrap my mind around. Though it also helps divert some attention from the fact that Gilbert is... is..." I gasped a little, biting at my lip. Why did I have to keep thinking about that? If it was too late it was too late! I had to move on from this! It happened hours ago, I need to lighten up damn it! ... right? God I don't know... did this deserve a period of grieving?

"Well... as Alfred said... it's too late. They picked him up last night and would have sent him in for deactivation as soon as they got back... it's only a three hour process..." Wes sighed, "I'm sorry about the stress of this... if it's any consolation, I'll put extra effort to have your Russia Unit in by-"

"Oh FUCK!" I slammed my hand down on my leg, wincing ever so slightly in pain. I hate it when I hit myself too hard... but anyway, I had just realised something kind of important! "This is time travel isn't it? So just send me to the future three hours before Gilbert's set to be put to sleep!"

Wes and the Units all froze and their eyes widened. Little Russia let out a small gasp of his own.

"That... uh... that..." England stammered and looked at China.

"W-well um... aru..." he looked at... um... oh, Canada!

"E-eh?" Canada looked at America.

"Well uh..." America looked at me and scratched his head, before giving a nervous laugh, "Didn't really... think of that..." I stared at him in disbelief before jumping up, screaming and throwing couch cushions at everyone who hurried out of the way as I raged.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU FUCKING MEAN YOU DIDN'T FUCKING THINK OF THAT?! I'LL FUCKING MAIM YOU ALL! YOU FUCKING WORKED ME UP TO THIS... THIS... FUCK YOU GUYS!"

"I-I'M SORRY MOTHER RUSSIA!" Little Russia wailed as he narrowly dodged a wayward cushion. I stopped my assault, breathing hard and shaking my head.

"No it... it's not _your_ fault I just... god fucking... WELL LET'S GO TO THE FUTURE THEN!" I shouted, feeling as though every scrap of sanity I had held on to up to this point had just fled me. What a ridiculous statement. Anyway, WE WERE GOING TO DO THIS THING!

"You can't do that!" Wes protested. Well. I didn't _really_ expect it to be that easy I guess.

"Listen here bub," I said darkly, my eyes narrowing at Wes as I stood from the couch and clenched my fists, "You fucked up. Somehow, some way, this is your fault. I just fucking know it." Wes gulped. I decided to take that as unfounded confirmation. "As such, I _HEAVILY_ suggest that you help me in going to this Unit Co of the future and retrieving Gilbert before I unleash a **HUGE** can of **WHOOP ASS** on you. And I'll have help, yes?" I scanned the room, making eye contact with as many Units as possible.

"I will help Mother Russia!" Little Russia was jumping up and down, a weird murderous glint in his happy eyes. Um... at least he was on my side in this.

"I..." China's eyes were surprisingly determined as I met them, "I will do anything I can to help you rescue our original Gilbert aru. He does not deserve such a fate aru."

"Well, I am the HERO after all, so I obviously need to help with a rescue mission!" America laughed loudly, and I have to say I was glad to see him stop acting abnormally serious and border line intelligent. It was kind of disturbing. Not apron-wearing-Prussia-level disturbing, and not nearly Panda-aru-level disturbing, but disturbing none the less.

"Um, I want to help Gilbert too, eh!" I don't really remember who said that...

"Oh bloody hell, if everyone else is going on a fool's mission I suppose I'd best go too. No doubt you'll need the spy skills of the British!" England sniffed. With a satisfied smirk, I turned my gaze on Wes.

"There you go. I'll have help. So are you going to take us to the future, or are you going to be a dick and get yourself pummelled for it?" I asked in a hard voice.

Wes winced and looked extremely uncomfortable under my look. Which I obviously found awesome as hell. Intimidating people = world's greatest power trip. Anyway, Wes stared down at his feet for a bit before finally growing a pair and answering me.

"I... I guess I can but... damn it I'm going to get in so much shit for this!" His hands raked through his short hair. A person with more empathy would feel bad for him I think. I say 'I think' because I don't know. I'm not empathetic if that wasn't painfully obvious already, so Wes' distress meant little to me. Mostly I focused on the fact he said 'I'm going to get in trouble' as oppose to 'I would get in trouble' implying that he had already decided to help. I felt I could be satisfied with this.

"Be that as it may," I said carefully, "We are not going to waste any time. Well... I guess technically we could waste time, given time travel... ah fuck it. We'll just go to the future. I don't even know how the fuck the continuity works in the time stream, this is so..."

"It's best not to think about it," America piped up, "It ruins the movie if you try to think about it too hard!"

"This isn't a movie!" I snapped, "I suppose it would save a headache though... okay let's just do this. So do you have a time machine or a time gun or something then?" I asked Wes with a frown.

Wes shook his head, "Well, not personally... though I do have a teleportation device I usually use to get myself and my crates to my house and my roommate runs the call center while I'm making deliveries and stays in contact with Unit Co. But the teleportation device is a one-person thing, unless the other people are unconscious so..."

"Right, right, well can I drive to your house, then?" I asked and Wes gave a nod.

"Yeah, um, I guess you want me to direct you there, then?"

"You guessed right." I looked at my Units and sighed. "But I'm not cramming six people in my car again... Ivan, you're sitting this one out.

"Oh!" Little Russia's eyes got wide and I think a touch watery but I averted my gaze before his level of adorableness got to me. "B-but I want to help Big Brother Prussia!"

"Yeah, well you're five years old or close to it, so you're not going. And I guess you need a babysitter, so... China?" I looked at the Asian, but was surprised to find him glaring at me.

"I tell you over and over to call me Yao-aru! It's weird you call me by my country name and everyone else by their human names-aru!"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, but the little creepy guy with the one eye in Mulan was called Yao, and you're like... his total opposite so it's weird to call you 'Yao!'"

China blinked and looked a little shocked. "O-oh-aru... but still, it is my name so..."

"Anyway, you're staying here with Ivan so he's not by himself with the idiot in my kitchen. Somehow I doubt he's going to come to Unit Co with us."

"DAMN STRAIGHT! I'm WAY too awesome to go back to that stupid unawesome place!" Okay but seriously, when we got back I was DEFINITELY kicking that annoying bastard out. Sure, my Prussia was annoying too, but at least I was USED to him now. I didn't WANT to get used to this new irritant in my life thank you very much.

"N-no aru!"

My eyebrow rose as I gave China a serious look. "What do you mean, no? You're Ivan's babysitter, you have to stay with him... it's a good system, why mess with it?"

"B-because, w-well," China nibbled his lip before going on, "I... I realise that the duty you gave me was to look after Ivan-aru. But... I have another duty, to my heart! And my heart tells me that I need to be with you to help rescue Gilbert!"

I twitched. "Ew, Mulan II reference... I mean if you'd quoted the original Mulan that would be fine but the second one was kind of shitty."

"Mulan-aru? I wasn't quoting that... w-was I?" China looked confused.

"Yeah. Maybe I'll just call you Mulan... naaah that sounds pretentious," I shrugged.

"It's a girl's name-aru!"

"ANYWAY, if you aren't here, who's going to watch Ivan?" I asked seriously. China's lips tightened.

"U-um," a tiny voice somehow caught my attention and I turned to see America... uh, wait, Canada... damn it! I LIVE in Canada, I shouldn't be affected by this, damn it! "W-well, not to say that I don't want to help Gilbert! B-because I really do! But, well, if someone needs to agree to stay home, th-then I'll do it, eh?"

I looked at Canada for a moment, and then nodded. "Yeah... okay that's fine then. So myself, Wes, China, Alfred and Arthur will go then. Probably the best combination... okay. Let's go to my car."

"YEAH! WE'RE GONNA BE THE HEROES FOR REAL!" America laughed loudly as he ran out the door to head for the garage. China quickly followed behind him to make sure the super strong Unit didn't destroy my garage door by pulling it up in his haste. I watched Wes carefully as the man groaned, stood, and began to head for the door as well. We paused long enough to grab boots and coats (China and America were already wearing boots, at least, and America had his bomber jacket) and then followed the Units, England behind us.

"You do realise," England muttered as he came up beside me, "That even if we reach the company at a time before Gilbert is deactivated, we still might not be able to save him."

I glared at him, and I guess it might've been a touch too intense because England's eyes widened and he stumbled. "I did not ask for pessimism right now, did I? Usually I feel like a pessimistic person, but right now I am TRYING not to think like that, so how about you let me do that for five minutes, okay with you, bub?"

England scowled and rolled his eyes. "Well, fine then! Surely there was a nicer way of saying that!"

I snorted, "Whatever." We reached the garage and I punched in the code to open it, striding into my front seat. Wes took shotgun, obviously, so he could direct me properly. America got one window seat, China quickly claimed the other, and England was left in the middle looking rather disgruntled. Since China was the shortest it would've been better if he was in the middle... but hell I'm not THAT picky. Long as it wasn't America, then I couldn't see over his head through the back window at all...

"So how far is your house from here, then?" I asked Wes as we got onto the road. I was thankful that there was only a light snow recently and that, while the driveway could use another shoveling, my car could still drive through the couple of centimeters easily enough. I noticed Canada waving at the car from the driveway and was surprised not to see Little Russia doing the same... oh well; there wasn't time to think about that at the time.

"Um, it's just outside of town, kind of the opposite direction of your house though so..."

"So... wait, thirty minutes away?" I scowled.

"More like forty-five, actually," Wes sighed. I groaned.

"Fuck. I'd speed but, you know, crappy roads and snow and shit. This blows."

"Dude, just speed anyway! If you skid into a ditch I can pull you out anyway, you know!" America laughed and I hummed.

"That's a good point," I admitted, my gas pedal sinking down further.

"AIYAH! B-but what if you hit a tree-aru! I-I mean we as Units would be fine but you wouldn't be!" China cried out. My foot jumped away from the pedal as if burned.

"That's a better point. Speed limit it is," I giggled nervously. We continued on.

"I, er, I kind of hope my roommate is home, he's better at working the time machine than I am..." Wes said after a while.

"Can't you bloody well call him, then?" England snapped, evidently grouchy. I was thankful for that; it meant I didn't have to do the snapping.

"Oh yeah," Wes pulled out a cell phone and starting typing out a text message. "I'm just going to tell him to go home before we need to fill an order or something, I don't think he'll go for it if I straight out tell him what we're doing... well maybe I'll tell him I'm bringing people over... um..."

"Do whatever you have to, then," I sighed, wondering why Wes felt we needed a commentary on his actions. Seriously, as long as his roommate was there when we got there, why should I care what had to be done to get him? Hell, if he had to hire some kidnappers it would be fine by me.

After a moment I heard the Final Fantasy victory music and glanced at Wes.

"That's your text message ring tone?" I asked.

"Um, yeah," Wes said as he played with his phone to read the message.

"I approve," I said, feeling just a tad more respect for Wes than what I'd had for him previously. Which was, of course, no respect at all.

"Yeah! Final Fantasy is cool!" America cheered unhelpfully from the back.

"Oh, um, my roommate wants to know if we can pick him up on the way to the house," Wes asked suddenly.

"Pick him up?" I groaned, "Damn, then we'll have to use the sixth seat... fine, where is he?"

"The liquor store, you know where that is, I guess?"

I clenched the steering wheel. "What, do I look like an alcoholic to you?"

"Well, you have... had... have... a Prussia Unit?" Wes said meekly, making it sound like a question. Um.

"Er... yeah I guess I... yeah okay I know where it is." I chuckled sheepishly as we entered town and I began heading toward the Wal-Mart and liquor store area. As it came into view, I asked Wes, "So what's he doing at the liquor store anyway? Planning on getting drunk tonight or...?"

"No, he works there," Wes explained, "Well, actually he owns it. Um, Unit Co doesn't really pay us that well, he does this on the side... plus we can't really put our earnings from Unit Co on a tax return or anything so this actually gives us deductible income and whatever..."

"Oh he owns... wait... WAIT A SECOND!" I gaped as I pulled up in front of the store, staring out my car window to the door. Wes opened the door beside him and waved out it.

"HEY DEREK, OVER HERE!"

The older man with the spectacles and goatee waved back with an amused expression. "I see you. Any particular reason you're in the car with a client and three of her Hetalia Units?"

Derek was Wes' boss/roommate. I... I suppose that's why he knows about Units then. Well. That... um. Um.

...

WHAT THE FUCK?!

"WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?" I screamed as Derek approached the car and Wes got out so we could start arranging for the middle front seat to be put down.

"You're being kind of loud, huh?" Derek observed as he played with the middle seat, "I'm right here you know."

"NO! _SERIOUSLY_!" I shook my head as Derek got himself in next to me and did up the seat belt. I was staring at him openly. "You work for Unit Co? And you never brought that up? WHY WOULDN'T YOU BRING THAT UP?!"

"Eh, I like pretending I'm not so that people don't come to me with their problems," Derek shrugged, "I'm not delivery so I can do that."

"Lucky bastard," Wes grumbled as he got back inside and shut the door.

"I had a boss like that once," I muttered as I started the car up again and shifted gears. Now don't get me wrong, I actually really liked that boss. She was a sweet woman, very understanding if you ever needed time off for anything, but she when she was in the store stocking shelves or whatever she'd never wear the uniform so that people wouldn't realise she worked there most of the time and therefore wouldn't ask her any questions about where stuff goes. It was downright clever. Made me wish I was in charge and had those kind of perks... phht. Well I'm my own boss now, kinda, so I never had to worry about that again anyway.

At any rate, I decided that this new revelation wasn't particularly important at the moment. As long as he helped us, there was nothing to worry about. And so it was in this way that I finished the long and arduous journey to Wes and Derek's small house out in the middle of nowhere on the other side of town from my own house. It was a single story just sitting on the side of the road without a garage and a tin roof.

"Wow. Unit Co really doesn't pay well, huh? Sucks to be you guys!" America laughed and I agreed with a snort as I parked in the tiny driveway.

"How do two people live in such a place? It's bloody ridiculous!" England shook his head as he got out of the car and folded his arms to survey the house.

"I don't see why sharing such a space should be strange-aru, saving space is important. Well, it is in China-aru," China said with a shrug.

Derek smirked as he headed to the front door, followed by myself and the Units with Wes trailing behind. "Well, feel free to think what you want, _I_ find it rather roomy."

We got into the house and it looked as run down and lame as it had on the outside. Then Derek pulled a book from the bookcase near the door and part of the floor slid aside to reveal some stairs that, upon taking them downwards, revealed a much large home beneath the house. Stupid future technology, making things awesome. Now it wasn't mansion sized or anything, but it was certainly a much nicer space than the house above. It had rounded edges and blue tints to the walls; very clean, very modern. It was divided into a living room, kitchen, bathroom and two bedrooms (Derek had insisted on given a brief tour for some bizarre reason), though most appliances and whatnot seemed mostly similar to what I had in my own house. They also had a nice work room that was a sterile white colour with a large and complicated looking pair of machines in the center of it, along with a very large and expensive looking computer.

"Nice place," I commented as we filed into this last room, "But why bother with the house above at all, then?"

"I was about to ask the same thing, actually, it seems rather redundant," England added for no reason I could discern. Well, he'd been absent for most of the weird Unit escapades so far so maybe he was just trying to make up for that.

...

Yeah that really doesn't make any sense. Well, I'm semi-hysterical right now apparently! I can't think through things properly! Fuck! Why the hell did Prussia have to be a doochy idiot, GOD!

"Eh, well," Wes stretched a little and scratched his arm, "Actually we were supposed to live in the house and it would just be this room that would be underground. But when they guys were in setting things up they got the dimensions wrong and the room was WAY too big, and to make less paperwork for themselves they just put in some dividing walls and since these floors are self cleaning we decided to just move most of our actual stuff down here."

"More soundproof down here too," Derek grinned, "If we want to partake in any... activities..."

Wes flushed and glared at Derek, hmm... "We don't do that!"

Derek snorted, "I _said_ 'if'. But you know if you ever wanted to..."

"NO! I mean, I don't have anything against it, but I'm STRAIGHT! Go fuck your liquor store co-worker already! He's still on the rebound, right?" Wes huffed, folding his arms.

"What?" I frowned, "You mean Corey? Okay as interesting as that might be, and as thrilling as your potential molestation misadventure is, I'd like to be sent to Unit Co to get my Prussia back before I have a freak out. Again. Seriously."

"Wait, THAT'S what you want to do?" Derek's eyes widened as he turned to stare at me, "I... I thought you were forcing Wes to bring you here so you could watch him order your Russia Unit for you properly to make sure he does it... you can't just go to Unit Co! It's in the... well..."

"The future, I know, I don't care. I just need to go and get back Prussia."

"Huh," Derek frowned and stroked his bearded chin for a moment, looking hard at my determined expression, "This is kind of weird... from what I'd seen, I thought you didn't like him?"

"I don't like him! I hate him! Now help me get him back, because he belongs to ME, and I don't want him to fucking DIE, okay? Okay!" I clenched my fists and narrowed my eyes. Derek looked at me a while longer before he snorted.

"Well... this is totally against procedure but... ah what the hell," Derek glanced at China, America and England. "You're taking them too?"

"Why the HELL would I bring them this far if I wasn't?" I asked in my most snotty manner. I mean... that's just obvious. Honestly, I appreciated that Derek was a laid back kind of guy. In this case at least, it was helping me get shit done. But now I'm wondering if he's just a dumbass. Maybe everyone Unit Co employs is a dumbass. That would explain why they can't get one simple fucking order right. But I digress again, and I apologise. Actually no I don't. I can digress all I fucking want because WHAT THE FUCK I'M EMOTIONAL; I AM A WOMAN HEAR ME CURSE AS I SHOOT BLOOD AROUND THE ROOM FROM MY CROTCH!

... yeah yeah, TMI, I'm on my period, IT HAPPENS. Not that I was going to mention it, but what the hell. Hopefully this emotional PMS state isn't the only reason I'm so upset over Prussia and I'll end up regretting this... oh god it probably **IS** the reason but... oh fuck it all I'm here now anyway, may as well go through with it.

"Alright, I am irritated with talking now as well, aru," China tapped his foot, hands on his hips like the woman he is, "Can we please get going?"

Derek scratched the back of his head, "Well, the machine needs to boot up first, and it's complicated stuff so it'll take about an hour to be fully ready to time travel..."

"What? An hour? Aw man, that's forever!" America whined. I had to concur, that was annoying. I had the fastest internet connection available for a good goddamn reason. Still... seeing as this was time travel I didn't... want a program to crash or something or... you know I really have no idea how this kind of technology operated but I figured I'd leave it to the ones that work with it on a day to day basis.

"Well, what are we going to do while we're waiting then?" I asked with a sigh.

"Well, I've got to run some system checks so... Wes will entertain you, right honey?" Derek smirked. Wes flushed red. Phht.

"Don't call me that! And, uh," he looked at myself and my irritated Units. Then he laughed nervously. "Um... anybody for pizza? We've got frozen pizza!"

Well, I am not one to turn down free pizza and going on a rescue mission on an empty stomach was probably not the best idea... probably... so I shrugged and followed Wes to the kitchen. I was relaxing somewhat now that things seemed to be heading on track and I would be able to get Prussia back easily enough. America ran ahead of us because obviously he loves the stuff and hell, even China seemed eager for it.

"I don't usually eat pizza-aru, but it's close enough to Christmas for it to be acceptable I think."

I snorted and glanced at England who seemed less than chipper as Wes pulled a couple of frozen pizzas from the fridge and shoved them in the oven while America jumped around him like an excited puppy.

"What; have something against pizza? You ate enough of it when we were in the hotel room in Toronto," I pointed out as I sat at the small kitchen table. England sighed and sank into the seat across from me. China and America were standing and staring at the oven as though it would somehow cook the pizza faster or something. I wish.

"It's not the pizza... though I'm not particularly fond of meat lover's..." The British Unit scowled and I chuckled.

"Yeah, me either, but pizza is pizza. So what's really the problem? I'm feeling pretty good about things at the moment, how hard can getting Prussia back be, since we've got a way to reach him?"

"Er, well, that's what the issue is, really," England nibbled his lip and I in turn sucked in mine. I can't say the look on his face gave me reason to do anything but start worrying again. "There's a lot that we might have to go through. Paperwork, verbal convincing... and even then those might not work. So what do we do? We'll have to break in. If this was Flying Mint Bunny Inc I could help more with that. I'm an expert at spying of course, but not knowing the layout of Unit Co... not to mention if they find out that I'm not a Unit from their company we might run into further troubles!"

"Fuck," I grumbled and set my hands on the table so I could cushion my chin down against them, "Well we've still got to do it. Maybe it'll be easier than you think."

"And how often has that been the case for you lately?" England frowned. I mirrored him. The British bastard had a point.

"Eh, well, still don't have much of a choice. We're here now, after all. Be a shame to waste all I effort I spent intimidating Wes into helping."

"Ah, right, good show with that by the way. You were quite terrifying," England smiled. Well... that sounded enough like a compliment to get a pass from me. I smirked back.

"Well, it was nice to have backup with that, too. So," I looked over at my other Units, "How's the pizza coming?"

"Should be done in a minute!" America said happily.

"Hooray-aru!"

"Great," I smirked at England, "Don't worry about it." My smirk fell into a glare, "No, seriously. If you worry, I'll worry. And when I worry, I freak out. And when I freak out, certain British Units might end up with their eyebrows pulled out."

"Leave my eyebrows alone!" England gasped, covering them defensively with his hands.

"I hope I can. I DID always love them. But if I freak out..." I left the sentence hanging as China and America cheered together, Wes hurrying over to withdraw the pizza from the oven.

Once pizza was consumed and time had passed we eventually assembled ourselves in the room with the time machine once again.

"Alright, so how does this thing work? And don't bother with science-y explanations, I just want to know where we stand when you push the buttons, as well as how I'm getting back here afterwards and most importantly, will it hurt and will I have the same number of body parts arranged in the same order when I come out on the other side of this thing?" I asked as I looked at the giant white cylinder that apparently allowed for space and time to be transversed.

"Well," Derek said as he stretched his arms above his head and spun around in his computer chair. His technique on the spinning was very good by the way; he clearly had much practice in the art. "You and your Units will stand inside the container there. You'll be zapped into a nearly identical container inside Unit Co. I'll give you a paper with co-ordinates back to this time and location so you can get someone there to help you get back home after, there isn't really a way to send yourself... it shouldn't hurt and anyway you'll be made to fall unconscious before the transition, it just makes the process smoother. On the note of the same number of body parts... well there hasn't been problems like that before, so it should be fine I guess."

"Y-you guess-aru?" China's eyes widened, "You should be doing more than guessing!"

"Okay," Derek said bluntly, "Then I know. It is fine."

"I-I don't trust you now-aru!"

"China, you've already gone through this thing once. All three of you... well you and Al have, Arthur might've used a different one but... the point being, it worked before," I sighed, "Anyway, let's get that paper. I'm not getting stuck in that creepy future you're going on about."

After Derek had scribbled this down, and then did it again in neater printing when I complained that a pharmacist couldn't read that level of chicken scratch, my Units and I entered the container- a tight squeeze even with us all standing with our arms at our sides- and waited for Wes to shut the door. The delivery man gave us all a rather morbid look before the door was shut, plunging us into blackness. Derek has mentioned as well that we should be arriving at approximately 15 minutes before when Prussia should have been scheduled to arrive at Unit Co to give us a chance to wake up after being knocked out for the trip.

"Er, lass, in the event we don't make it through to the other side... I would like to say that this was a bloody stupid idea."

"Well fuck you too!" I snapped, "And stop sounding like this is going to kill us!"

"Yeah Artie, we're the heroes, and the heroes never die before they save the damsel in distress!" At this I snorted. Damsel in distress indeed...

"But, judging by Derek's attitude thus far, and Wes' general incompetence, how do we know they will not mess up-aru?"

That was a... an interesting point. I was just starting to rethink this idea a bit when I heard a hissing noise that, judging by the loss of consciousness that followed, was likely the releasing of knock out gas. If I was going to change my mind, it was far too late at this stage.

...

The next thing I saw when my eyes opened was a bright fluorescent light shining directly into my eyes and trust me, that's the last thing you want to see after being in a comatose state for a while. As I rubbed my eyes to erase the blindness and tried to work out what the flying fuck was going on, I heard some scrambling around beside me and turned my head to see China scrambling to his feet with America and England groaning and lying on the floor as well. I blinked bleary-eyed and slowly sat up, taking a look around the room. It was a large, white chamber with a wide window at one end and a panel next to it that I assumed served as a door. Behind the window was a small room with a desk facing the white chamber. Three computer screens were lined up on the desk, and in a spinning chair was a girl in her early to mid twenties in a lab coat with long blonde pigtails and frame-less rectangular glasses reading something on some kind of flat tablet she was holding. When she spun in the chair I caught a glimpse of the screen and saw two anime-style dudes butt naked in panels making out.

Ooh, a fellow yaoist! Always a pleasure to find more of us lurking out there in the far reaches of time and space. Still, since she was the one there, it seemed I had to pull her out of her much-approved fantasizing. When I'd finished making sure all my body parts were in order and as my Units stretched and gained coherency, I staggered to my feet and cross the room to tap briskly on the glass of the window.

"HEY!" I screamed, my tapping quickly escalating to full out banging on the thing, that sound and my ensuing shouts echoing around the space, "YO! OPEN THE DOOR WILL YA?! SOME OF US HAVE SOME SHIT TO DO OTHER THAN LOOKING AT PORN! NOT THAT I'M JUDGING OR ANYTHING, BUT YEAH!"

I did this for what I think was almost a minute before the girl glanced up. Her eyes widened and her mouth opened in a silent yelp before she fell off her chair onto the floor. I snorted at that because... hey, pain is still hilarious when it's not your own. She seemed to groan, though I couldn't hear her, as she got to her feet and mouthed something while facing a computer screen. There was a click and whirling sound and the panel beside the winder depressed into the wall and slide to one side.

"Yeah, back at Unit Co again!" America laughed, but that quickly tapered off, "Well, I guess that isn't such a great thing, huh?"

"I would agree-aru," China frowned and England gave a small gulp, but all three still followed me through the door frame and into the room with the blonde girl.

"You..." the girl stood and walked to me slowly, pointing at me in a rather rude way but looking more shocked than anything, "What are you doing here? Where are you from? Who are you? How did you get here?"

"Um," I cleared my throat, "Well, I'm from Canada in the year 2020, I got here by having the local Unit delivery boys send me here, and I would be a disgruntled customer who has come here with a few of my Units for the purpose of collecting my other Unit that was picked up off the street last night... well what WAS last night when I left my time, but he was supposed to show up here about 15 minutes after the moment we appeared in the chamber here I think?"

The girl frowned and glanced behind me at my three Units. "Well, um, okay... but by 'pick up' do you mean for deactivation?"

"Yes..." I said, feeling uneasy.

"Okay well um..." the girl scratched the back of her head, "I'm not really sure about the procedure for this. I mean, I'm just a guard really, and this portal's only supposed to be used for delivery not recall, it's weird that you even came in this way and um... yeah this wasn't really in the training manual... I guess I should call a supervisor?"

I sighed, "Listen, uh, what's your name there, Hun?"

"Oh, um, R-Rachel? Rachel Spencer?" she asked, looking confused. My head jerked slightly in surprise.

"Huh, really? Rachel?" I smirked, "Odd I... would have expected something more... futuristic, I guess?"

Rachel shrugged, "Well, Rachel's been a name since the supposed Biblical times right? I don't see why it would ever go out of fashion completely."

"Very true. Okay Rach-el..." I flicked the name over my tongue, "Tell me, I know you're a guard but do you know how to put co-ordinates into this machine to send people across time?"

"Well yes, but-"

"Hush, hush, just a moment there kid," I laughed and she looked rather disgruntled. Oh well, she'd have to get over it, now that we were in the future we CERTAINLY had a deadline to meet. "So, all I want to do is have you tell me how to get from here to where they process the Units before... deactivation... and then when I come back here I would like you to send me back to the co-ordinates on this piece of paper." I pulled out the paper Derek had written on and showed it to Rachel. She took it into her hand and looked at it while nibbling her lip.

"I don't know if that's allowed but..." she shifted uncomfortably, "Well... okay, I know Zane's supposed to be watching cameras right now but he never does so... okay, I'll give you a map then? And you have to be quick though, my shift ends in forty minutes or so."

"Great! Thanks for the help, I'd question why but..."

"Oh it's just, I only started here a couple weeks ago and I don't really want to be seen as that one employee who calls the boss for everything, you know?" Rachel gave me a small, unsure smile and I laughed.

"Yeah I guess. Okay, let's get that map!"

"I'll print it off!" Rachel went to the computer and started fiddling with it. In the meantime I turned to my Units with a smirk, focusing attention on England.

"See, told you, everything's working out!"

"So far..." England said slowly, "There's still a lot that can go wrong!"

"Aw come on Iggy!" America pulled England into a headlock and ruffled his hair, "Lighten up!"

"QUIT THAT YOU WANKER!" England snapped, struggling to get out of America's grip as I chuckled and looked at China.

"So, are you ready for phase 2? Or 3 or... whatever it would be now?"

China sighed, "I suppose-aru, but being back here is a little... that is, I am not sure how I feel about it."

I was about question China on why that would be when Rachel tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a piece of oddly shiny, stiff paper with a diagram of a building on it. Then she reached forward and tapped the top left hand corner and to my shock the diagram glowed and stretched up from the page, creating a three dimensional image of a four story building.

"Wow, this IS the future," I said in a suitably impressed voice, "So this is Unit Co, huh?"

"Well, a section of it, printer paper doesn't have enough memory to download the entire floor plan and you shouldn't need the whole thing anyway," Rachel explained easily, "So yeah, right now we're here," she poked a position on the lowest level shown and the three dimensional room became highlighted in a soft green glow, "And the processing area for Units to be deactivated is here," her hand moved up four stories and tapped another room that glowed a soft blue. "Now just wait a second and..." Suddenly an orange ribbon left the green room and began winding down the hall in the diagram, twisting up a set of stairs and then going up an elevator and down a hall again to the blue room. "Easy, right?"

"Damn right," I said, looking closely at the route. I then turned to England. "Arthur, memorize this!"

"What? Why? She GAVE you the thing, didn't she?" England asked in a huff as he took the paper from me and began looking it over.

"Yes, but it's cumbersome to have to uh, fold it up and open all the time? Anyway, it'll probably go faster if you memorized it, and you wanted to know more about the interior of Unit Co anyway, right? In case things go wrong?"

"Ah, yes, quite right," England glanced at me for a moment before going back over the diagram.

"Well," I turned back to Rachel, "I guess we'll see you in a bit then. Out of curiosity, there ARE more future-y named out there than Rachel, right?"

"Technically, yes," the blonde smirked, "But I'm named after my great aunt, who taught me everything I know that's important in life."

"Ah," I snorted, "So she taught you the wonders of yaoi?"

"Oh, you saw that?" Rachel flushed. I winked. She smiled. Acceptance of perversion is a wonderful thing.

Anyway, once England announced that he believed the route had been successfully memorized, Rachel showed me how to tap the page to bring things back to two dimensions and we headed through another sliding door into a wide hallway resembling the sort one would find in a hospital complete with a sterile smell hanging in the air. It looked fairly deserted, other than a couple of people wearing white lab coats walking away from us at the far end of it. England led the way for us down towards a heavy looking set of doors that actually had to be pushed open and revealed a set of stairs that we began to climb.

About halfway up the unreasonably long set stairs I had to sit down.

"Why the FUCK are there so many STAIRS?!" I screamed in anger once I'd caught my breath, "SERIOUSLY! I swear we've gone up eighty by now and none of the landings have had so much as an emergency exit door on them!"

"Oh, get OVER it-aru! If we want to save Prussia then we have to keep moving! We can't afford to rest!" China huffed.

I got slowly to my feet, went up five more stairs and sat down again. "You know what? Fuck Prussia. He's a doochbag anyway."

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF TAOIST PRINCIPLES-ARU!" China grabbed America's arm, "CARRY HER!"

"Oh, ah ha ha! Sure thing bro!" America grinned down at me and before I could protest I was grabbed up and flung in a very uncomfortable fashion over America's shoulder.

"HEY! That bruised my ribs..." I whined as the group of us continued on our way... we were going faster now too, not that I'd openly admit it to them.

England shook his head at my pouting expression. They couldn't even carry me _gently_? Fuck this...

"You can hardly end the mission NOW you know," England pointed out. I flipped him the bird and he glared at me in return. Whatever.

At last, at LONG last, we reached another set of doors that we quickly headed through though this time the corridor was far from empty. To the contrary it was TEEMING with young persons holding book bags and following down the hallways like salmon, if the salmon were fighting to pass each other and... well the point being, it was a crowded mess.

"What is this, a school?" I asked in confusion from my vantage point of hanging off America's back.

"Er, kind of..." America said slowly as he looked up and down the hallways, "I think this is the grade school area, these guys don't look older than 11 or so. HEY! It's a little me!" America paused to high five a blond boy with a cowlick as he walked by. A... a little America? I looked around but couldn't outright recognise any other characters among the throng bustling around.

"This is very unusual," England said suddenly, "Flying Mint Bunny Inc isn't set up this way at all."

"Well yes, I always did find this rather disorganised-aru," China sighed as he grabbed England and America's arms and waded through the sea of small people, "Let's get to that elevator-aru."

After much pushing and shoving we managed to hit a stream of children heading the same way we were and were able to move along swiftly to the elevator and pushed the 'up' button. As the elevator doors opened however we became aware that the hall was suddenly empty as the children disappeared into various other doors scattered along the walls. In the creepy silence that followed I was able to squirm enough that America put me on the floor again.

"Well, uh, shall we?" I asked, gesturing to the waiting traveling box known as the elevator. We entered and took it up the two levels required.

The next hall we wandered into was quieter, but we still saw the occasional casually dressed person heading down the hallway. I saw a couple identical boys who looked to be Harry Potter Units by way of their glasses and lightning bolt scars, but otherwise I didn't recognise any in particular. These Units appeared to be in the 14-16 year old range as well.

As we headed down the hall, I heard a loud shriek from behind me and turned to see in my shocked line of vision a teenage boy with white hair and a long scarf grabbing an albino kid from behind and pulling him into an open closet.

"HEY!" I shouted, stomping toward the two, "What the hell is going on here?!"

"What? Who the hell are you? Th-the awesome me doesn't need help from random girls!" the albino snapped. Oh god. A Prussia...?

"I am only doing what I have a right to do to the nation I own, da?" the... the younger Russia Unit giggled and... oh my fucking god.

"Dude... dude no..." I shook my head and swallowed, "Dude, how old are you both? Like, in human years..."

"Uh, why does that matter?" Russia looked confused, "But I am sixteen! And little Gilbunny is fourteen!"

"NO!" I snapped, reaching out and despite the protesting yanked Prussia out of Russia's grip, "Okay kid, I am still iffy on how sexy rape is in fanfiction and possibly in my house but... the kid is fourteen!"

"But we must start now, da, because we do not live as long as nations do, so he must be tamed early!" Russia said patiently, "He has been chosen to be tamed into a Kaliningrad Unit after all!"

"Tamed into...?" I shivered, my eyes widening, "And they start at FOURTEEN?!"

Russia shrugged. "Well, they used to start at seventeen, but apparently it was discovered a Kaliningrad Unit was accidently shipped before his taming was finished and ended up causing some trouble. They are fixing that now, but they've decided that starting taming earlier would help stop the problem from happening in the future."

"WHICH IS TOTAL BULLSHIT!" Young Prussia screamed in my arms and then pulled away, "I'm out of here!" This shouted he took off running down the hall. Russia growled, glared up at me, and then turned the other direction and stomped away in a huff mumbling things under his breath that sounded remarkably like death threats... fuck. Now trust me, I do love Russia still... I do but... that Unit was off somehow. Maybe he was going through a... a more creepy phase but... he just had a dark aura. Man, what is all this?

"Lass, we'd better press on, you know? Time is running out," England reminded me and I nodded, still staring after the odd Russia for a moment before following my British Unit in the direction of the Young Prussia, though we made a different turn than he did, encountering fewer and fewer Units as we went.

When we rounded yet another corner at the end of a hall however there was no one, and it became dead silent. No doors lined this new hall as they had previously either. All there was at the end of the hall was a single dark blue door with the words 'DEACTIVATION PROCESSING' written in tall, black, block letters above it.

"Chilling," I murmured into the space, but the echo made it loud enough for the others to hear.

"You think it's chilling? Try looking at this as a Unit... I never thought I'd have to be here-aru! I-I... I want to go home!" China suddenly wailed and turned, but America and England grabbed his shoulders, making him thrash.

"Dude, no, you said you wanted to save Gilbert, right?" America reminded gently as he pulled China out in front of him toward the ominous blue door.

"I-I did but-"

"Lad," Arthur said carefully, "I realise that, given the past history of our Unit types you likely don't want to listen to what I have to say, but I truly think that if you leave now you will regret it."

"I-I," China swallowed and winced, glancing at the sign above the door and shivering, "I g-guess we don't have a choice..." Taking some deep breaths, the Unit looked at me, "S-so, um, are you going to go first, then?"

I grimaced. Sure I wasn't a Unit, but that didn't mean I had nothing to fear from... whatever was behind that door! Yet it seemed I had no choice. Taking a deep breath, I marched forward. I felt a little like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, going to see the fabled Wizard with the three other men marching behind me. I just hoped that the brains, heart and courage promised to them would be able to be delivered.

We reached the door and after a moment's hesitation I pushed it open. I didn't know what to expect on the other side, but I was immensely surprised to see what appeared to be a small reception area. There were some empty chairs that presumably one could sit and wait on to be called, and behind a neat looking desk was an older gentleman in a tweed suit with a salt and pepper mustache that matched the hair on his balding head. He looked more suited to a library or university rather than a reception area, but what did I know about how this strange new world of the future worked? Maybe this was just the new fashion now... or something.

"May I help you with something, Miss?" the man behind the counter asked pleasantly, his entire attention focused on me. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other in my discomfort.

"Erm, well, yes I guess um..." I laughed nervously, "Well, you wouldn't know if there's a Prussia Unit from the year 2020 scheduled for um... 'deactivation' in the next while? I'm his owner and this whole deactivation thing, it's a total mistake. I really want him back if you don't mind."

"Back? Oh! You mean the one we got in about half an hour ago?" the man asked, and I frowned. Had it been so long?

"Er, yeah, that one. He's around still, uh... r-right?" I asked, feeling a squeezing feeling in my stomach.

"Well, let's take a look, shall we?" the man said as he picked up a tablet similar to what Rachel had back in the delivery room. "Ah yes... yes, he hasn't gone through the process quite yet. Still filling out the paperwork for it. But even so, you really won't be able to take him back at this time. You have been sent a replacement Unit though, have you not?"

My jaw dropped open. "What? But... well I have but... it's not the same thing! Anyway, why can't I take him back if he's still alive?!"

"Still activated you mean?" the man seemed a little confused, but pressed on, "Well, normally you could fill out some forms and might be able to have him back, but this is an unusual circumstance. Now I find this ridiculous, but PETU-"

"PETU?" I interjected.

"People for the Ethical Treatment of Units," the man explained, "Yes, well, they made a law pass that states that should any Unit at any time desire to be deactivated they should have the ability to do that much. They were saying that since assisted suicide was legalized Units should have the same option though to be able to do it without owner consent? Completely defeats the purpose of Units."

"Wait, but..." I tried to understand this, "Are you saying... Gilbert WANTS to be deactivated? Why? I thought this was about him running off... or because he was acting weird? Something like that?"

The man coughed. "Well that's certainly part of it, but once he was collected he announced that we could not 'kill' him because he was 'too awesome for that' and he 'is dying by his own will and right'. This counts as verbal consent."

"But WHY?!" I snapped, throwing my hands down on the man's desk. He didn't bat an eye and that somehow made me angrier. How dare he not respond to my sudden emotion! "What the hell does he think gives him the right to... to just decide he can die! Why would he want to?"

"Are you joking-aru?"

I turned wide eyed to see China looking at me and... were his eyes wet? "What do you mean?"

"Why do you THINK he wants to die-aru?" China sniffed, "He told me... his boyfriend left him-aru! His owner did not pay attention to him or his needs-aru! None of us were really friendly to him... if he wanted this then... I cannot blame him for it."

I stood frozen for a good three seconds before glaring at my Unit. "Well _I_ can certainly blame him for it! And I do!" I turned back to the man. "Where is he now?"

"Oh, he's just behind that door, waiting for his turn," the man gestured to the door behind him, "Of course I can't let you through-"

He crumpled forward suddenly and I suddenly realised that England had snuck up behind the man and hit him hard with his fist in the back of the head. Well then. Sneaking spy skills are quite the success after all.

"Okay then! Let me in there to talk some goddamn sense into that dumbass!" I shouted and headed for the door. I tried the handle... it was locked. My eyes widened and I turned to America. "BE A BATTERING RAM!"

"What?" America asked.

"Knock the door down!" I explained, exasperated.

"AH HA HA! Oh," America ran to the door and pulled his fist back.

Here we are. We need to reach Prussia. I hope to god this works. America's fist is flying forward and then... yes! There's a huge crash and the door flies off its hinges into the room beyond. I step through the gap and gasp. The place we step into... it's bigger than anything I thought it would be- it's like a giant warehouse. There's a conveyer belt and... it goes into this big metal thing and the sound... there's a lot of metal scraping but... are those... are those SCREAMS I hear beneath it? My stomach churns and my wide eyes scan over to the left to see a row of guard forcing and/or leading a line of people... Units... onto that conveyer belt. They're in a line. And there... there's...

"GILBERT!" I scream as I run toward the line. Halfway down the albino's white head turns to me and his mouth drops open.

"THE... THE FUCK?!" he yells back as I run toward him. When we're close enough, China, England and America at my heels, I pull back my arm and PUNCH THAT IDIOT IN THE STOMACH!

... you'd think the guards would do something about my sudden entrance here, but they really don't...

"OW! What the fuck! What the actual fuck! I'm too awesome... you're just... WHAT THE FUCK!" Prussia writhes and massages his tummy as I seethe, breathing hard.

"You idiot! You fucking idiot! Why didn't you tell me about fucking deactivation?!"

Prussia groans and glares at me. The fucking hell, why is he doing that?! "I didn't think you'd care! Hell, why DO you care? Why and how are you even here?!"

"That's not even important right now, I'll yell at you later! Let's just GO, okay?" I snap, reaching out to grab Prussia's arm but he pulls away. WHAT THE HELL!

"Why should I go anywhere with you?!" Prussia's fists clench, "Why? I've already accepted this... anyway, what good would going back with you do? You don't even like me! Why should I bother living with you if you don't... don't even appreciate my awesomeness!"

I stamp my foot. "IDIOT! If I..." I shut my eyes, "IF I DIDN'T LIKE YOU, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I TRAVEL TO THE FUCKING FUTURE AND GO THROUGH ALL THIS CRAP TO FIND YOU? IF I DIDN'T 'APPRECIATE YOUR AWESOMENESS'..." I trail off a moment, but though my eyes open I stare at the ground, "W-well I still think you're an idiot but... you're WAY more awesome than that idiot other Prussia they replaced you with!"

"They... replaced me?" Prussia's voice sounds shaky, "So... why even bother..."

"BECAUSE!" My eyes snap up to Prussia's and his red eyes widen in response to my rather intense look if I do say so myself... god I feel like my chest is burning... and... ARE MY EYES WET?! GOD FUCK- "THAT IDIOT IS NOTHING LIKE YOU, YOU'RE FUCKING UNIQUE AND I DON'T NEED ANOTHER FUCKING PRUSSIA UNIT THAT ACTS LIKE THAT FUCKTARD IN HETALIA, I WANT _YOU_ TO BE THE ONE IN MY HOUSE ANNOYING ME, DAMN IT, SO **COME HOME WITH ME RIGHT NOW!**"

I stare at him, cheeks blazing with a fever and trembles shaking my entire body. In some part of my mind I know that every Unit in earshot is staring at me, but really I'm only seeing Prussia's white face.

"So you... you..." he trails off. I glare.

"YES! I fucking want you- AH!" I scream as Prussia suddenly launches at me and grabs me up in his arms. "HEY! PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN, ASSHOLE!"

"KESESESESE!" Oh god, the laugh that haunts my nightmares... "HEY GUYS!" he yells at my other Units, "MOM LOVES ME AFTER ALL!"

"I DON'T FUCKING LOVE YOU! LET GO!"

"Excuse me."

The one-sided (seriously) love-fest ends abruptly and I'm put down quick as one of the guards approach our little group.

"Y-yes, what do you want?" I ask hesitantly.

"Are you this Unit's owner?" the guard asks.

"Yes," I nod.

"Well, I'm afraid that he really IS scheduled for deactivation," the guard says simply, "So if you go to reception I'm sure arrangements for a replacement Unit can be made so-"

And then America punches the guard in the face. Within moments there is anarchy.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" I scream as America lifts me off the ground in the traditional 'bridal-style' position (I swear being carried over the shoulder like a sack of potatoes was less embarrassing) and we are all running for the door as the Units in the deactivation line make a break for it beside us and the guard start setting off sirens...

"Dude, well," America says as we run, "After everything you just said, that guard was going to let Gil get deactivated anyway? Totally not heroic, definitely villain, so..."

"Whatever, KEEP RUNNING!" I snap as we head for the door.

If nothing else, this was going to be an interesting escape... if we make it that is... o-of course we'll make it! Oh god, what'll happen if we don't... no I can't think that way! I won't sound like England, I won't!

ANYWAY, I'm leaving off for now, and I'll get back to you all when HOPEFULLY we've gotten out of this mess! FUCKING HELL, PRUSSIA YOU ASSHOLE GOT US INTO THIS... god I don't want to think if China had a point right now, and why does Prussia still look kind of upset and... GAH! STUPID HOROMONAL EMOTIONS RUINING EVERYTHING!

_((Joyful Note: Aaaand scene! For now. God. Fucking. Damn. WELL HERE IT IS. Took a while. Might not be perfect, but at least this throws us into the future. Note: we miiight be here for a while. Or not. If I change my mind. I'm kind of liking describing future technology so we might draw it out but... we'll see. I HOPE THIS WAS EVER SO SLIGHTLY SATISFACTORY. If not well... eeeeh it's my first dabbling in a sci-fi kind of setting. THERE WILL BE MORE THINGS TO COME. Not enough character development to go home yet anyway. I'm tired. Fuck. Posting and going to bed time! Yaaaaay.))_


	15. AND THE NAME IS REVEALED and it's boring

**I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.**

_((Joyful Note: I'm alive. School is over for the year. I'm sorry. I was doing 6 classes first semester and five the second. I was working 20 hours a week. I just didn't have time for writing, I was exhausted. Also... I'm kind of falling out of the Hetalia fandom. But luckily this story doesn't need to stay grounded in Hetalia due to the nature of Units. So do keep reading. I wish I could say another chapter will be coming out sooner, but I'm still working 25 hours a week until mid-June and then I'm excavating a Minoan palace at the Gournia site on Crete for 6 weeks. I'm a busy bee. But here it is, I hope it's okay. I haven't given up just yet.))_

**Chapter 15: YES I'M FINALLY REVEALING MY FUCKING NAME GOD YOU ALL WAITED LONG ENOUGH I GUESS, GOD YOU'RE IMPATIENT! But you'll have to keep reading to find out. So there.**

Oh god this situation... Maybe I can blame Derek and Wes for helping me time travel illegally, but I can't rely on that! Fuck fuck fuck... well, best back up because obviously things must have happened to get to this point but... damn it I do not like the look of things at all. I wish I'd taken the map instead of giving it to England, which was a terrible idea I might add. Well we have had a guide I guess but... not what I was expecting... aw hell let's just lead right the fuck up to it then.

So basically, once the units and I (still in America's grasp mind you) managed to escape the 'deactivation room' we took off into the hallways and I don't think anyone was paying close attention to where we were going. The sirens were still blaring around us and we passed several Units of varying ages cowering into the walls with confused expressions as we hurried past.

"Blast it!" England shrieked as from around a corner in front of us three women and two men in what looked like battle suits began racing toward us holding guns.

"HOLY FUCK THEY HAVE GUNS!" I screamed as Prussia grabbed America's arm and tugged us down a side corridor. England and China followed behind us and we were off again. I was pretty much clinging to America at this point.

"Why do they have guns? We didn't even fucking do anything!" I whined while... possibly choking America in my grip.

"Well, uh, technically I did punch a security guard," America said unhelpfully, "Also we kind of broke into the building if you want to be technical... and China knocked out that one guy. Oh! And since Prussia was recalled and you were sent a replacement, this is technically stealing property by taking him back."

"This is such bullshit!" I swore. "Well, how do we get back to 2020 and my house then?"

At this point, we managed to duck into a side room which appeared to be some sort of empty classroom with a big TV at the front and about twenty half-desks facing it. I hate those half desks, can't write anything on them, not enough space and my pen would keep rolling off if I tried to put it down because the damn desk was always too low and couldn't lie flat because it would just hit my thigh and... and I'm rambling.

The point is, we ducked inside and were able to rest for a moment while guards surged down the hall after us. Of course if there were security cameras we had just blocked ourselves in since I still hadn't seen a window since we got to this place but since even Units get winded we had little choice but to stop for everyone to catch their breath.

"Aiyah! America, you idiot-aru! Why did you have to resort to violence? We're in this mess because of you!" China snapped.

"Hey!" America gasped out after putting me down on the floor. I dusted myself off, or at least made the motions as if doing so, as America tried to defend his actions to the Asian Unit. I glanced at England whose giant eyebrow was raised.

I glared. "Don't say it."

England snorted. "But-"

I grabbed the collar of his shirt and his eyes widened. "I mean it. I know you were worried about it. But we are NOT caught yet. If I were you, instead of muttering about how you 'told me so' I'd start using that superior English wit and spy skills and _figure out how we're getting out of this._"

"With me alive!" Prussia piped up, his grin still plastered on his stupid albino face. Damn it, why did I try to save him again? He's pissing me off already just... just by smiling! Fuck! "No plans that involve handing over the awesome me to the authorities!"

"Even though we COULD consider this your fault, I wasn't going to hand you over!" England insisted, rolling his eyes and pulling out of my grip with a fair bit of ease. Curse my lack of strength... whatever. He looked at China and America with a glare. "Both of you need to get a grip, fighting about whose fault any of this is will get us nowhere. Now then, I would say our best option at the moment is to consult the map first and figure out where we are." This said, England fished around in his pocket and pulled out the printer paper, quickly getting the 3D diagram up for us to see. He stared at it for a moment and then frowned. "Er, I'm not entirely sure how this paper operates... can I just ask it for a location, does it even have a gps function?"

"How the hell should I know?" I growled, "And you're from the future aren't you? Shouldn't you be familiar with all this?"

"Well, they don't use any kind of print out paper at Flying Mint Bunny Inc. that I've seen!" England snapped, "It's all air holograms, I don't even know why the paper is required!"

America looked curious all of a sudden and looked over England's shoulder at the paper in his hands projecting the image. "Well, holograms need a base source don't they? They need to be resting on a platform, and having a movable surface is the only way to move a hologram manually."

There was America sounding intelligent again. I am officially freaking out about this. What was even going on; did this matter in the slightest?

"What do you mean it needs a movable platform to move it?" England frowned, "I thought everywhere these days had floors and walls outfitted to show holograms programmed to react to the electromagnetic field of a human, or even a Unit?"

Nope. This did not seem important, and those guards could be back soon. What the fuck. "Hey guys..."

America looked confused. "Huh? No, dude, that's just not possible... well, probably someday, I think that technology's still a few years off, or I guess Flying Mint Bunny is using prototypes? Oh man, that's cool!" He brightened up. I scowled.

"Guys. Seriously. We need a plan!" I was being ignored. They keep this up and I will be smacking someone! I looked at Prussia, but he seemed to have gone for the door, taking it upon himself to keep watch on things.

England's eyebrows rose. "Are you sure? I was led to believe that such technology has been common for at least forty years now."

America paused, then his eyes suddenly widened. "Dude... what year did you leave Flying Mint Bunny Inc?"

"THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT!" I yelled, but STILL was being ignored! I stomped over to the two idiot Units. Honestly, the shit I deal with...

England hesitated. "W-well to be honest I'm not sure. It's set up quite differently than here; you see I've noticed Unit Co seems to be using a more physical approach in its teaching, whereas Flying Mint Bunny mostly downloads memories and lessons straight into the mind of their Units..."

America's jaw dropped, and I'll admit even I gave pause to this information. Download memories? Sounds... creepy, really.

"DUDE!" America screamed, "I THINK YOU'RE FROM THE FUTURE!"

I twitched, and then took all my strength and SMACKED THAT BOY IN THE HEAD! "OBVIOUSLY he's from the goddamn future! You're ALL from the goddamn future from where I'm standing! And I'll be DAMNED if I let us get arrested because YOU TWO IDIOTS keep talking about irrelevant shit!"

"No no! I mean, like, what if Flying Mint Bunny Inc is even more futurer than this!"

England sputtered. "Th-that's not even a word!"

"Who cares?" Alfred laughed, "This is so cool! This means that all this time our competitor wasn't even in this time... oh wow, you guys might even be Unit Co in the future or something! Or maybe be the Mac to our PC or some shit like that! Oh man this is just awesome!"

"NO IT ISN'T AWESOME!" I shouted, "We seriously, SERIOUSLY, need to figure out how to get out of this situation! Yes, okay, this is clearly some kind of interesting news and if I were safe at home maybe I would react to it as such, but right now we need to actually get out of here before we get fucked!"

"Oh shit, they're coming back! Not awesome!" Prussia called from the doorway before pulling himself inside and shutting it again.

"And now we're fucked. Great," I muttered as the doorknob rattled a bit with Prussia holding the other side since it didn't seem to lock.

"Wait, not yet!" China said quickly, "Look, ventilation shafts-aru!" He pointed up to the top of the wall and I groaned.

"Oh god no. Ventilation shafts were all well and good in Toy Story 2, but have you seen 1408?" I asked the room. America yelped.

"Aw HELL no way are we going in there!" he whined, though not without reason this time. "The guy tries to escape the room through the vents and THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN THERE, only it's actually a ZOMBIE dead body and CHASED him and looks all FUCKED UP!"

"That it does," I nodded sagely.

China groaned and slapped his face having clearly not seen this movie or he'd know how legitimately freaky that scene was. "Aiyah, we do not have time for this! I will go first, and that way if there are any ghosts I can get rid of them, alright-aru?"

"And I'll travel behind, so if the ghosts try to sneak up from there Tinkerbelle can magic them away, alright?" England said gruffly, striding over to the wall and working quickly to push some desks toward it to make a way to get up there. After much scrambling, China went in first, then Prussia, I ending up with his butt in my face... what the fuck. Then there was Alfred, and England as promised bringing up the rear. It didn't help that the inside of the vent was slippery and my hand kept giving way in from of me and I had to struggle to stay on my hands and knees...

I swear we had gone all of three meters before Prussia farted in my face.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" I shouted, "THAT FUCKING STINKS!"

"HUSH-ARU!" I silenced as China reprimanded me. "Do you want them to know we're in here?!"

"Um, no, but he-!"

"Put up with it-aru!"

I whined and Prussia started laughing. I growled and pinched his ass, hard. Added bonus meant the surprise made Prussia skid in the tunnel and fall on his face a bit. I laughed.

"OW! What the fuck? Unawesome bitch!"

"Whose idea was it to come save you? Oh right, MINE, now crawl doochbag!" I snapped and we continued shuffling through the vents, albeit with Prussia muttering angrily to himself. Heh.

"Aiyah!" The cry came from ahead.

"Oh bloody... what is it?" England hissed from behind.

"The vent-aru, there's a vertical drop... and I can't seem to see the b-bottom-aru."

"Oh _wonderful_," I said with the most dripping sarcasm imaginable, truly. "Well in that case, I guess we'll have to go back and hope the guards have moved out of the room then."

"Well, we _could_ have done that, but, er..."

I swiveled my head to peer behind me in the darkness. "But _what_ Arthur? Go on; make my day better, _please_!"

"No need to get snippy!" England huffed, "I don't know if you've realised this, but let's say we get captured. If you are convicted of a felony, your right to own Units is revoked. Units cannot be reassigned to an owner. While you might be spending considerable time in prison for your actions, the rest of us will be deactivated. _Including_ Matthew and Ivan at home!"

This... admittedly... stopped me in my tracks. I swallowed hard. "W-what?"

"You... didn't know that?" Prussia's voice ahead of me suddenly sounded hollow, "You didn't know what you were risking coming to save me?"

"No!" I snapped, though more out of a sense of defensiveness. I mean, what do you _say_ to that? "Of course I didn't know- I didn't even know you guys were from the future till it was explained and I didn't know about deactivation and... fucking hell! No offense but if I'd known I'd be putting you all in- er... if I'd known I'd go to prison for this I wouldn't have come!"

"I heard that!" America chirped behind and suddenly I was left squeaking as a huge mass of American successfully glomped me from behind. "You didn't want us in danger! So you care about us! I knew you were secretly a HERO!"

"St-stop, no I'm not!" I barked and kicked out to push America off of me. "I am NOT a hero, I care about me and ONLY me and the only reason I came for Prussia is because... because he belongs to me and people shouldn't steal my shit! Now fucking get OFF!" I shouted, kicking away from America's grip successfully but the slick surface of the vent slid me forward into Prussia, who skidded forward as well.

"A-ARU! ST-AAAAAAH!" There was a scream from China, followed by a yell from Prussia and before I could figure out what had happened, the surface beneath me seemed to disappear. That was utterly terrifying. Luckily the surface returned a little not long after, but at an incredibly steep slope that sent myself, Prussia and China cascading down into the bowels of the building. In my mind it was only a stroke of the greatest luck that the slope started to lessen in incline and even out, but then China screeched and suddenly I was stopped by a blockade of flesh that groaned as my momentum suddenly ceased.

That's when I noticed a whirling noise. I shivered as Prussia pushed me upright, and all three of us gazed at a fan not 10 ft from us, ready to slice us to ribbons had us hit it. China had prevented this by pushing himself sideways and managing to wedge himself across two side passages that crossed with the one we were in, making a blockade in the slippery tunnel.

"... MOM? GILBERT? YAO?"

America's voice echoed faintly.

"WE'RE OKAY!" I screamed back, the echo making the other Units cover their ears and wince.

"Damn it, not so loud-aru!"

"Well sorry princess, they've got to hear me," I huffed.

"UH, SHOULD WE COME DOWN?" America's loud voice questioned. My eyes widened and I turned to the fan. That...

"NO! IT'S TOO RISKY, WE BARELY STOPPED IN TIME! GO BACK TO THE ROOM, TRY TO FIND THE GIRL WHO GOT US THE MAP, MAYBE SHE CAN HELP! WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO GET OUT OF THE VENT SOMEHOW!"

"OKAY!" America's voice chirped happily. "OW!"

"What?" I muttered.

"YOU GITS!"

"Oh," I sighed.

"YOU GITS! FALLING DOWN THE SHAFT... YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A BLOODY HEART ATTACK!"

"BLAME ALFRED! HE PUSHED ME!" I whined.

"ARG, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! BUT BE _CAREFUL_ AND DON'T FIGHT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

I rolled my eyes. "GET GOING!"

Some grumbling echoed and faded as I assumed England and America moved further away. I groaned softly as Prussia pulled myself and China into the side passage where we caught our breath properly.

"We can't go back the way we came," I said grimly.

"Well duh," Prussia snorted, "So what _do_ we do? Just follow this passage and hope for the best?"

"I don't see I better plan, do you?" I snipped, only to have China whack me in the head. "Ow! The fuck, China?" I was whacked again!

"Don't call me China-aru! I wish to be called Yao and that is that! Also, no fighting! I cannot stress enough that we need to navigate this maze and escape. We cannot hope Alfred and Arthur will rescue us, and yes following this passage is our best option-aru. But I will not deal with you two and your inability to co-operate without arguing! You're as bad as England and France-aru!"

"I resent that," I sniffed, "Fine. I guess we might as well get going then, ladies first." I gestured to China who looked confused for a moment, then glared darkly before crawling off down the gradually narrowing passage until once against the ceiling barely bypassed the top of his head. I followed with Prussia behind me, noticing the albino jerk-face was snickering. Well... at least he was snickering at something that was supposed to be funny...

We continued on through the darkness for what seemed like ages, occasionally making turns and choosing from a selection of passages based solely on whatever China deemed best at the time, even though that meant backtracking from a grated or vertical dead end a couple of times. As my stomach growled, I suddenly found myself struck with a certain claustrophobic fear. Because there was a possibility, a very real, very possible possibility, that we might be completely trapped down here. And if that were so, well, we could... you know... die. In the vents. Like that guy in 1408.

... mother of God...

"I don't want to be a zombie!" I moaned softly as China took us down a sharp left turn.

"A zombie?" Prussia asked.

"From 1408."

"When we get out of this, I think we need to watch that movie so I understand what the fuck you and Al are freaking about..." Prussia muttered and I grimaced.

"Okay, then YOU can deal with clingy American in your bed. Because I did not like being used as a security blanket, and he has TERRIBLE morning breath."

"Kesese, well since we have England now maybe he'll go running to him instead."

I frowned, "I never liked USUK..."

"Eh? Why not-aru? I saw some doujinshi the little Japan Units made; it looks cute for the most part." Oh sure, _now_ China becomes invested in this conversation.

"It's not cute," I attested. "It's... well... okay I don't HATE it, but I prefer England topping anyone save for France, and I NEVER see that in doujinshi! And like, a dominant top, not this switching it up crap... and also, there's just _SO MUCH _USUK out there that it seems to swallow up all other pairings!" I sighed. "I mean, it's not THAT great of a pairing, it's just... okay, and yet it has a MASSIVE fanbase for it! Of all the countries in the world, why do THEY get paired the most? I go down a page of Hetalia fics on a given website and half will be USUK and it's just ridiculous! I need more variety than that!"

"So if Arthur and Alfred wanted to get into a relationship, you'd forbid it then?" Prussia asked in a flat tone. I paused.

"Well..." I exhaled. "It's not like they're ACTUALLY England and America. They... might work out. I wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't stop it if they really wanted to."

"Hm," Prussia grunted, when suddenly China let out a triumphant gasp and hushed us. That was also around when I realised how much my knees were starting to hurt.

"I see light-aru! Perhaps that is our exit!"

"Oh god I hope so," I moaned as we continued on our path, slowing as we approached the lit grate that China had seen. He peered out carefully for a moment.

"I see no one-aru, just a dark hallway with some more doors, though... it reminds me of a prison-aru."

"Creepy," I stated before nudging China's backside, "Can we get the grate off?"

China frowned. "Er, perhaps-aru. But not quietly, and it would help if I could brace against something..." I noticed he had begun squirming in the tunnel, apparently trying to turn around so his feet were facing the grate. Eventually he succeeded and pressed his back into my front, his legs coiled and ready to spring. "Help me-aru, both you and Gilbert, press against the sides and try to be a brace, or else I'll just send myself backwards."

"Alright," I sighed, kneeling and pressing my hands to the slick sides of the vent, not certain I'd be able to help much. However, I then felt Prussia pressing up behind me. "Hey! Not so close, beer boy!" I hissed, wriggling slightly to get him to back off. Because seriously, I need my goddamn personal space and he was ALL UP IN IT. And I was feeling claustrophobic enough in this vent without someone breathing down my neck!

"Hey! As IF you can brace Yao by yourself!" Prussia snapped, pushing against me harder as if to SPITE me the little weasel...

"Look, you're just being a dick, if I-"

"QUIT FIGHTING-ARU!"

The noise echoed harshly and both Prussia and i let out long groaned.

"Totally not necessary..." I pouted as China got into position.

"Okay, one... two... THREE!" China shouted and kicked out. I let out a huff of air as his head hit my stomach, but hey, at least it was well padded? Anyway, there was a loud crash as the grate flew off the wall and across the hall, loudly clanging and falling to the floor. We all sat still for a few moments, not a sound leaving out mouths except for ragged breathing. But there was no sound to be heard it seemed, not even the sirens we'd heard on the upper level. I made a show of breathing in and out a few times to calm myself before nudging China forward with my hand.

"Well, let's go then, we can't just stay here now."

"Damn right! Kesese, let's go Yao!"

China slid from the vent and landed on the floor in a crouched stance easily with his martial arts training. I was significantly less graceful about it, trying to do the 'dangle and drop' method so the ground wouldn't be so far but I still managed to land on my ass. I only just managed to scoot away before Prussia leapt from the vent, slamming down with a hard echo where I had been seconds earlier. Seriously, was he TRYING to give me a heart attack?

However, as I growled and glared at the back of Prussia's head while China scolded him for the excess noise, I noticed something was missing. It took a moment to realise just what that was.

"Hey Gilbert..." I started slowly, "Where's Gilbird?"

Prussia went rather still all of a sudden. I shivered as he turned and looked me dead in the eyes, his face serious, more so than I'd ever seen it. "Dead."

My breathing quickened. "W-what?" The little guy... hell I didn't like him but I didn't want him... you know...

"Dead," Prussia repeated. "When the Unit Co guys came to collect us, they neutralized Gilbird on the scene. 'Pet accessory' Units aren't as hard to kill as a formally sold Unit. Just a needle with the right contents."

This... I never would've expected this. And I would've thought Prussia would be way more upset over this too! "You're... lying. You have to be! Why the hell are you acting so... calm about it?"

China placed a hand on my shoulder and I turned to him as he spoke. "It's not... uncommon-aru. Pet Accessory Units are often put down for one reason or another, sometimes as punishment or for showing too much loyalty to a Unit to the point of defending them..."

I ran a shaky hand through my hair. "Why is it... why is it the more I learn about you fucking Units the more MESSED UP it all gets?! I don't want to hear about this shit... let's move, where the fucks are we?"

Prussia coughed slightly and turned away before answered. "Um, I think we're in detention cells. Can't be sure since I was blindfolded the one time I was sent to one, but yeah it seems depressing enough. We're probably at least a few floors below where we were before, probably underground a level or two."

"Fine, that's something to start with," I sighed, "Let's go." I took the lead now, heading down the corridor and listening to the echoing footsteps myself and my Units made as we wandered down the hall and made a few sharp turns as the hall curved. Doors continued to line the walls with slits in them but I was too nervous to check into those slits. If I really paid attention I could hear soft muffled sounds coming from behind those doors but nothing distinguishable even in tone. It was creepy, and the lights overheard were very dim and flickered on rare occasions. There were no guards around either, which was strange to me but given that this was the future and all perhaps they had cameras watching...

My eyes immediately flicked to the walls and ceiling at this thought but I saw nothing that would be an obvious security camera. Weird, actually, if they really didn't have them. What the fuck was wrong with the future?! What happened to make this creepy torture house a reality?

Not that creepy torture houses were uncommon in the world depending on where you went. Still, it was disturbing that it would become so... accepted? Was it accepted?

Whatever. There wasn't time to think about shit like that, I had to focus on important matters. Mainly that I was starving and there wasn't much hope of finding mac and cheese down here.

Finally we reached a set of stairs heading upwards. I don't think it would take much to imagine the relief I felt on that discovery. We quickly headed up them, and even as my legs tired I persevered. I really, really wanted to see some damn sunlight after this mess let me tell you.

We reached a landing with a door and a set of stairs continuing upward. I glanced back at China who pointed to the stairs. Giving a sigh, I kept ascending. Much as I wanted to see the sun, stairs are exhausting. I wish America was still here to carry me around... that's totally his new use, my personal... carrying... person... Unit... thing... oh whatever he's super strong so it's not like I'm putting him out or anything by making him carry my places!

Anyway, at last China motioned us to stop at a landing with a door and he quietly approached it, opening it up just a sliver to peer out. I muttered about him taking too long until he finally motioned for Prussia and I to follow him out into a narrow white hallway. Why were all the hallways in this place so bland? Seriously, this was my adventure in the future and the scenery was fucking BORING.

We'd walked approximately three feet when a cough sounded behind us. We whirled around and China looked ready to attack, but I let out a shriek and grabbed him, pulling him back.

"HOLY FUCKING HOT MALES, THAT'S LOKI!" I shrieked. I mean you guys. I love Russia. I do. But fuck. I'm a woman. I have ovaries. And those CHEEKBONES. And that GIANT GOLD HELMET WITH HORNS. And the GREEN.

It was Loki in all his hot glory. Obviously a Unit. But fuck.

"Hello there," he smirked and I died in happiness. Oh fuck. Loki. Oh fuck.

"Hello. You are amazingly attractive. Did you know that? I hope you do. Also, I think my brain will be going offline in a second so if I just stand mindlessly drooling over here, please ignore me for a while, m'kay?" I then proceeded to grab China's hand perhaps a bit too tightly and let out a low whine as he struggled for my releasing of said hand. He was not succeeding.

Prussia gave me a look that seemed to express many shades of unimpressed before looking at the sexy god of mischief. How did he find his way into this adventure? How did he find his way all the fuck over my tumblr dashboard every time I glanced it over? It was Loki's way. Bitch did what he wanted. I was okay with that.

China finally shook me off and glared at Loki's smirking face. "Who are you-aru?"

"I could say the same to you. I've never seen your sort of Units on this floor before," Loki said casually, "Too close to the dungeons for pretty girls like you."

China's eyes widened and I was shook out of my gloriously revelry to laugh. "I-I AM NOT A GIRL-ARU!"

Loki frowned briefly, and then sighed. "Ah, anime characters then, I presume?"

"Your voice is hot too. Has that been mentioned to you?"

Prussia took this chance to elbow me in the side and I glared up at him, though his attention was already back on Loki. "Yeah, we're anime characters. Hetalia characters, personifications of countries. I'm Prussia, that's China."

"And this?" Loki nodded, gesturing to me. I blinked.

"Um... I'm not a Unit," I said bluntly, confused thoroughly on how anyone could make a mistake like that. Did I LOOK like I was hot enough to be a Unit? I don't think so.

"Oh? You're their master then?" Loki's eyes glanced from Prussia to China and then back at me. "So young and already in possession of two countries. You're quite the conqueror, aren't you?"

I swallowed. NO HANDS! STAY DOWN! NO BOOB GRABBING! "I uh... well I was actually going to Russia you know, but things um... yeah. So. You're Loki, from Thor and the Avengers. Nice to see you. Nice cheekbones. You don't quite look like Tom Hiddleston by the way, you're close, but I see a few differences, and I guess it's to blend in with the comics but I didn't read the comics so..."

"You seem to speak a lot, mortal," Loki said in a bored voice. I felt like swooning. "What brings you down here?"

"None of your business-aru!"

"Saving people, him mostly," I pointed at Prussia, "He was going to be deactivated so I came and saved him and yeah. Do you always dress like that? Because I wouldn't mind getting a Unit from a different fandom and you're- OW GILBERT KNOCK IT OFF!" I rubbed my side where I'd been elbowed again. Seriously. Fucking hell.

Loki's eyes flashed in a... dare I say mischievous way? I would need to work hard to contain my squeals.

"Saving a Unit from deactivation hmm? How very... heroic. Tell me, how has the rescue mission been going thus far?" Loki hummed as he strolled closer to us, his eyes locked dead on mine. I took deep breaths as China and Prussia closed ranks on either side of me, seeming ready to strike out harshly if Loki decided to do more that stop two meters from my person and raise his eyebrows in a mocking fashion. Honestly, the protective aspect was flattering, but death via Loki was on my top 10 ways to be murdered. Which is odd, I mean, I didn't want Russia to kill me with his water pipe but somehow Loki using magic to rip my flesh apart...

Yeah okay I'm starting to think there might be something wrong with me. I'm going to ignore my inner monologue for a minute here.

"It uh... it could be going better," I admitted casually.

Loki snorted softly, his eyes narrowing. "Let me guess... would you happen to be lost?"

I grimaced slightly. China winced as well, though Prussia only huffed and glanced away. Loki chuckled. God he's hot.

"Well, what are you going to do, report us?" the albino Unit growled and Loki hummed again, rocking on his heels slightly. He knew he was in power here, obviously. Even if as a Unit he didn't exactly have magic (I would assume anyway. I'm not sure how science would duplicate that skill for even a genetically altered clone) I imagined that Loki would know where we should go and how to alert authorities that we were here. Furthermore, even if the magic couldn't be duplicated, super strength could be as displayed in America and a Norse god would definitely have a dose of that. As strong as Prussia and China might be, I'd say Unit Co would have scaled Loki up a bit further. In the world of Hetalia, I'd estimate only America and Russia would give him any real trouble. Though until proven, it's only head-canon.

"Well, I likely _should_ report you," Loki said after a moment, smirking slightly. "After all, you're here illegally. I could get into _serious_ trouble if I didn't tell. Then again, as a villain Unit, they would expect it of me so I'd hardly be deactivated. But what is the point of suffering for random travellers down these halls?"

China frowned. "Don't dance around the subject, what do you want-aru?"

Loki chuckled. "All I want to know is, should I keep my silver tongue silent, what's in it for me?"

"A lifetime supply of good feelings for having done something nice for no reason?" I piped in suddenly. I don't even know where that came from to be honest. Loki's eyebrows rose, then he snorted and shook his head. I shrugged, it was worth a try. "I don't have anything on offer, was there something specific you'd like?"

Loki grinned brightly. It looked lovely on him, but I didn't trust it in the slightest. "Oh that's easy darling, I'd like you to take me along for the ride. These walls can get a bit, ah, dull over time you know."

"Oh no, no no NO!" Prussia snapped, glaring fiercely, "We've already got a psychopath being delivered to her house," he pointed at me angrily here, "We do NOT need another one!"

Loki shrugged. "Well, that's a shame. I suppose I'll simply have to call for help then, nothing else for it..." he turned on his heel and began walking away.

"AIYAH!" China shrieked and smacked Prussia. Good on him. "Don't make him angry! WAIT! Er, what was his name... Lo-key? LOKI!" China shouted and Loki paused, glancing back over his shoulder.

"Yes?" He asked with a soft, innocent, wide eyed expression. Cute. Very cute indeed.

China looked at me and I sighed. "Yes. You are along for the ride. Even if I have to shell out another several grand for your purchase I'll get you out of Unit Co. Please don't wreck my house later."

Loki hummed, "No promises."

I groaned. "Whatever. Now, how do we get up to the floor with the time travel... room... things?"

Loki's eyebrow rose for a moment before he seemed to understand my statement. "The departure rooms, of course. Follow me, quickly. I doubt we have much time."

Turning abruptly, Loki began walking briskly down the hall away from us and with a wide eyed glance to each of my Units we all shrugged and finally jogged to catch up to our new guide. What he was doing helping us just for the sake of living with me I have no clue. God knows my life, while fine for me, isn't really that interesting. Although all things considered, Unit Co HQ was freaky as fuck, maybe even too much for a psychopathic villain character. So any sure way out would be a good thing, I suppose. I really don't know. Nor did I care at that point. I'd had enough of trying to get out of this mess, I wanted to go home and work things out from there.

We had just about reached a stairwell the end of the hall when Loki suddenly froze and then turned to us with a wide eyed expression. "Quickly! In there!" He pointed to a door next to Prussia and the albino looked at him skeptically.

"Why should we-"

"Aiyah! Don't question it, aru!" China huffed, pulling the door open to reveal a supply closet. I peered inside and frowned at the smell of chemicals just before Loki pushed me inside, followed quickly by my Units and the door was swiftly shut behind us. I gaped as I pressed on the door and found it blocked.

"HEY! LET US OUT, ASSHOLE!" I shrieked.

"HUSH!" Loki's voice sounded just outside the door. Well, he hadn't left us. "Just stay quiet, will you?"

I frowned, but quieted. It was dark in there. I heard a muffled yelp from Prussia as apparently he stepped on something and almost fell. Then we heard footsteps and talking approaching from outside. Did Loki know someone was coming or something? I guess Asgardians... or Jotuns? Well, whichever, I guess they have better hearing than humans and nations. Or these Unit Co people decided they did anyway.

The voices approached the door and I held my breath.

"You there! Loki, isn't it?" a crisp female voice rang out.

"Yes, of course," Loki drawled, sounding rather bored if I had to name the emotion.

"Intruding Units have been spotted at upper levels, it seemed that they've convinced a staff member to help them with finding their mistress and fellow Units that fell down a ventilation shaft. We can't detect any life forms inside it now, but chemical traces saw they exited on this level. Have you seen anyone unusual down here in the last hour?"

Loki let out a loud hum before answering. "You'll have to be a bit more specific. This is where you keep villains after all, they _do_ tend to get weird rather quickly..."

"You know what I mean! Damn it, I hate villain units... you're probably hiding them, aren't you?"

Loki scoffed. "Honestly, I don't know why I'm categorized as a villain to begin with. From what I can tell from the media I've been shown, my character has done nothing but try to claim the throne. Alright, perhaps killing Baldir in cold blood was a little harsh, but really it seems like I was under stress. I have _motivation_, I'm _complex,_ I hardly deserve to be stuck here in this windowless _dungeon_ with brainless serial killers who just think blood looks pretty."

"Which is why you're allowed look out duty while they are kept snug in cells. Now, are you hiding the intruders, have you seen them? Out with it!"

"I have not seen any intruders."

"... damn it. Well, fine, come on Cliff." There was a heavy, grunting sigh and the footsteps continued.

"Um, kesesese, can we get out yet?" Prussia hissed.

"I don't think so," I muttered back, "Just wait."

And so we waited. It seemed like at least ten minutes before the door cracked open and I had to blink hard to get used to the florescent lights again.

"Come on, we don't have much time!" Loki snapped, gesturing us out and toward the stairs again. I'll admit after his display I did feel significantly safer and more sure of escape... marginally so. Mostly I was just feeling giddy to be this close to yet another fandom character that I adored. Sure, the Avengers and Thor weren't anime, but tastes can be diverse! And HOT DAMN Loki is attractive. And a psycho. Okay, so I have a specific set of perverted tastes. Sue me.

We ran up the stairs two at a time, which is incredibly exhausting by the way, and I was well out of breath by the time I reached the level just above us. I heaved as we turned the corner to keep going up the stairs.

"... god you're fat," Prussia snorted. I flipped him off, but was tasting blood in my mouth and couldn't find words to throw at him at that moment. I'm not fat! I'm squishy! God fucking...

Loki glanced back at me. "We have to move faster than this, get your unit to carry you."

China frowned. "I... do not have the physical strength to do that when not in a rage, aru." He looked at Prussia. I glanced at Prussia.

Prussia's face suddenly turned red, likely in anger. "A-ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! She's like, 2000 pounds, I'm not carrying her! You carry her!" He glared at Loki.

"I cannot," Loki said simply, "I need to be able to react quickly if we run into trouble and holding someone would be cumbersome. And I hardly think she weighs that much."

"I don't!" I managed to gasp out, "I'm only 190!"

Prussia winced, "A-anyway, like I want to touch her..."

I growled, then shouted, "LOOK ASSHOLE, I'M SAVING YOUR ASS AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU CAN LIFT ME SINCE YOU DID WELL ENOUGH WHEN YOU WERE SQUEEZING ME TO DEATH AND SPINNING ME AROUND WHEN YOU FOUND OUT I CAME BACK FOR YOU!"

Prussia's eyes widened and he actually, for a moment, looked a bit uncomfortable. Then it was gone and he rolled his eyes. "Fine, whatever." Then I was abruptly charged and lifted up onto a boney shoulder, nailed right in the stomach. I wheezed as Prussia started running up the stairs, complaining that I was heavy and needed a diet or physical training or something. For some unexplained reason that made me crave cupcakes. I don't know where the thought came from, but there it was, and it distracted me pretty well until we finished stair climbing and Loki sent us out into another hallway. Honestly, all the halls looked the same in this weird ass building, but Loki insisted that it was where the time travel rooms were located.

"How can you even _tell_?" I grumbled.

Prussia looked at Loki suspiciously, having put me down once we were out of the stairwell. "Actually, I'd like to know that too. The building was designed specifically to make all the halls look the same, so it's harder for Units to escape or for intruders to find their way around."

China sighed. "Yes, aru, I remember when I was very young, I got separated from my class and wandered down a staircase and got lost for hours before a handler found me and brought me back. I never wanted to get lost alone again after that."

"Well, lucky for me, I am slightly... mutated... from other Loki Units," Loki chuckled and my eyebrow quirked up. "My hearing is extremely good, much better than other clones, even though their hearing is better than a human's. I could hear you three from the other side of the floor. I could hear Claudia and Cliff from three floors above us heading down... trust me, it's enough to give one quite the headache but I've gotten used to it. But, most importantly to us now, I can hear the specific frequency sound that the time portals give off. Usually it's sort of a white noise in this building, but I can still hear it if I pay attention."

"Interesting," I nodded as we walked quickly down the hall, "So are we safe, there's no one else on this floor, right?"

"Oh there is," Loki said simply, "But no one out to arrest us, I would have heard that kind of conversation."

We continued walking, and finally Loki stopped outside of one door, opened it, and we found ourselves in a white room identical to the one we got here in. I sighed in relief.

"Great, so... oh." I looked at Prussia and China. "We still need to find Arthur and Al..."

Prussia rolled his eyes. "What, can't we just ditch them? I want to get home!"

"No," I said firmly. Hell, Arthur was one of my only nearly-sane units! "You and Chi- oh FINE! You and YAO will go back now, and..." I paused and glanced at Loki, "Would you help me find my other Units?"

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" Prussia waved his hands, looking shocked, "You want us to leave _without you_? Are you fucking nuts? If you get captured WE ALL DIE!"

"Then go into hiding or something!" I snarled, "You aren't staying, go home!"

"GOD MOM, QUIT BOSSING ME AROUND!"

"I'M NOT YOUR GODDAMN MOTHER! MY NAME IS FUCKING _**RACHEL!**_"

"OH GOD!"

We all froze and turned to see in the doorway... well... Rachel. And America and England, which was a plus there. But Rachel looked fucking _ecstatic_ which was weird as she ran into the room and glomped me. What the hell. Apparently name-sharing is an exciting thing in the future?

"I KNEW YOU LOOKED FAMILIAR!"

"What? You... okay?" I said in confusion as Rachel continued to choke me with an iron tight embrace. "Familiar because why?"

"You're Rachel... your last name is White, right?"

"Yesssss... oh snap! Am I famous in the future? Did I drop my pen names? Have you read my books?" I brightened considerably. I had always hoped my books would get mega-popular.

"Oh no, no, you give up writing," Rachel shook her head and my smile fell. I... do? "But anyway, no! You're my great aunt! You know, the one I'm named after!"

I blinked. "That... gaaaaah what?"

"Yeah! I mean, your sister's my grandma! But she's kind of boring, I really always liked you more. Um... but I remembered her showing me pictures of when she was younger and yeah that's why you're familiar! That's so cool!"

"Is it?" I looked at my units, who were gaping at us now.

"Er, well, can we get this machine up and running? Merely escaping from this building won't be the end of our troubles, but I'm sure it will be more difficult to track us down if we're away from here, yes?" England coughed slightly, then noticed Loki. "Who the bloody hell is this?"

"OH SHOOT I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE THOR'S BRO FROM ANOTHER HOE!" America laughed gleefully and Loki sighed.

"You do realise we're all clones so blood relations mean nothing really, right?"

Prussia's gaze snapped to Loki, then. "Wait... you believe that too? I mean, I've never met another Unit who-"

"ENOUGH, ARU!" China wailed, "We don't have time for this!"

"Right," I said, "Okay Rachel, you need to send us home. I swear I'll leave every yaoi related thing I own to you in my will if you can stop us getting arrested."

"I'll do my best, aunty Rach," Rachel saluted. I smiled back, but unfortunately got a glimpse of Loki out of the corner of my eye and turned to see him looking rather petrified.

"Um... are you okay?" I asked with a frown.

"The... hum from the room. It's getting louder." He said this cryptically and we all fell silent. There was indeed a hum, we could hear it and... it was getting louder.

"What... what does that mean?" I asked softly. Then there was a brightening of light.

"Oh shit," Rachel muttered, "Um... shit. I hope you have a good lawyer."

I whined as the light blinded me and tingling flooded my body. When the light died down we were in a new, equally white room. We face the glass separating us for the controls. A bunch of people in hazard suits were pointing guns our way. The door opened and a tall woman with red hair strode out, looking at us coldly, a small smile on her lips but not in her eyes.

"As if we would believe the clone of the God of Lies," she snorted, "We tracked your movements the moment we left you." Loki winced hard, and I shivered. "You two," she pointed at myself and Rachel, my _great niece_ what the fuck was up with that? "Are under arrest. The rest of you will be deactivated at earliest convenience."

Here I am. This situation... I did not expect. At all. We are all so fucked. So very, very fucked. If I'd known ordering online merchandise would lead to this... this moment... how could this happen?

"Hey, um, Rachel?" America suddenly asks softly, barely a whisper.

"What?" Rachel and I hiss that at the same time and glance at each other.

"Mom," America clarifies and I let out a sigh.

"What?"

"You're still a hero."

I swear to god I am not going to cry.

_((Joyful Note: I know. More cliffhangers. You all hate me. Also, congrats on 3R15UK0UM31 for guessing my oc's name... ages and ages ago. Now I will work on your one shot some more. It's like, half done. It's fluffy. But it's coming.))_


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